Seeking Guidance

[Ensho]

Hey all,

I've been a lurker on this forum for a while now and often felt too pathetic to post anything here, but I'm desperate enough now to do it anyway. I want to get others' perspective on my current situation because in real life I have no-one who could understand what I'm going through, they'd probably think I'm crazy. I don't even quite know where to begin here, so apologies if this is messy to read. I guess I also want to get this out of my system because I feel so much energy bottled up inside that I can't release.

Since mid 2020 I've been going through a deep depression/dark night of the soul (constant anxiety, nearing panic attacks, emptiness, dull ache in my heart and constant low mood). I've had similar experiences in the past but this time it was way worse, I could not get out of it or talk myself out of it this time. In the deepest experiences of emptiness and suffering I realized that nothing in this life can make me happy. I've never even taken psychedelics but the experiences I've had, some during meditation, have shifted my perspective of reality and really shocked and scared the shit out of me (also binge reading on this forum has sent my INTJ mind into overdrive). I also wonder if the constant anxiety I feel could be related to a health condition or if it's all in my mind. I've been a vegetarian all my life and recently have started eating healthier, but could lack of meat be contributing to this?

I've had intense suicidal feelings, hopelessness and strong fear that I'm going insane/psychotic. I'm 26, no real friends and live with my girlfriend who I've been with for over 3 years now, we had lots of plans together and I always thought she would be my partner for life. But now I feel I'll never be the same and that maybe I need to isolate myself from everyone, that enlightenment is my only way out. I work for a family member, so I'm dependent on them financially. I've contacted a shaman to receive healing soon (is this a good idea?), and I've also got talking therapy arranged, but of course I can't really go into my experiences too deep with a normal therapist. Overall, I'm terrified of having a total mental breakdown and ending up in a psych ward. Since my peak experience so far when I realized I'm not human and the world is an illusion, my mind completely freaked out and it seems like I keep gradually descending further into lower consciousness and like I can't crawl out of it. I wonder if this is a trick of the ego. My overall fear is that I end up killing myself because I feel so numb. I don't want to leave that suffering for my family and girlfriend, even if they're imaginary.

I guess deep down this whole post is a cry from my ego that wants validation, but I just feel so fucking lost and don't want to do something stupid in a moment of panic. If anyone here can offer any advice I'd appreciate it.

Edited January 11, 2021 by Ensho

[mandyjw]

Anxiety and having a lot of thoughts about yourself that aren't true, (feelings of inadequacy, self judgement, etc) go hand in hand. Thought will move back and forth between the two, trying to find resolution. There's no resolution in thought trying to solve itself as a problem. You do not need to isolate yourself from your girlfriend or anyone else to get enlightened (at least not long term or anything like that). You want to stop believing these thoughts that feel awful, and pick thoughts to focus on that feel better. If a thought feels bad, it's not true. Don't resist the thought, see that it isn't true. 

The realization that you're not human and the world is an illusion is a stunningly, beautiful, freeing realization. Our mind will color over this clarity by making it subject to all kinds of judgements and imaginations of what emptiness is. The mind cannot comprehend nothing or emptiness, so its best guess is that nothing must be pretty awful. All the time thinking these thoughts feels awful because the guidance of feeling is saying, (uhmm, no, just no.) Thought just can't go there. Feeling can. Listen to feeling. Drop the thought, and choose one that feels better. 

3 hours ago, Ensho said:

I guess deep down this whole post is a cry from my ego that wants validation, 

No. That's self-judgment, let it go. You did something loving and intelligent for yourself. Keep going in that direction. 

The ego is not something you can conceptualize like that, again it's actually thought, trying to solve itself as a problem using more thought. It's only in moments of love, appreciation and beauty that there's no one thinking of anyone else. This is the true egoless state. You know by how it feels. You want to feel better, and feeling better, feeling cleared, (bringing in awareness) and feeling better (happiness) go hand in hand. I know, right? It's fucking brilliant. So all your thoughts about judging yourself for having ego are actually judgement, which is ironically what we call ego. A good way to remember this, and bring it to light is, the thought that smelt it, dealt it. Don't mistake thought (judgment) for pure awareness OF thought or anything else. Thinking AND believing you can't or that you aren't adequate is a fatal error, because that thought is actually coming from what we call "ego". 

Highly suggest https://www.actualityofbeing.com/ @Nahm here on the forum if you want one on one help. He has really helped pull me out of believing some stupid painful crap about enlightenment and other stuff several times in the past couple years. Still can't believe how lucky I was to have that. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

 

Edited January 11, 2021 by mandyjw

[allislove]

12 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Highly suggest https://www.actualityofbeing.com/ @Nahm here on the forum if you want one on one help. He has really helped pull me out of believing some stupid painful crap about enlightenment and other stuff several times in the past couple years. Still can't believe how lucky I was to have that.

Indeed, how lucky we are ??

[Nahm]

@Ensho

Been there, it is horrible, and I feel for ya.

Could be diet related. We all respond differently to different foods. The Loophole Shake is the staple of my diet and works really well for me. Give it a try. It’s inexpensive, easy to make, and is packed with nutrition. You might also consider getting a blood work up done at the doctor, and or taking basic vitamins. The definition of vitamin is that which is essential to the optimal functioning of the body mind, but which the body does not produce. Lack of meat would not necessarily cause this, but lack of something in meat like iron, etc could play a role. 

I don’t get the feeling it’s very diet related though, as you sound pretty diet conscious. I think it is perspective / outlook related, and an understanding of how thoughts, emotions and feeling align would change your life experience for the better even more than you might be able to currently imagine. Expressing how you feel, such as you are now with this thread, is ‘doing the work’, and you should feel good about that. It is going to get better. The mentioning of isolation & enlightenment as a way out is an indicator of long repeated thoughts which are in discord with being. Bringing understanding to this is synonymous with bringing clarity, peace, joy & happiness to experience. 

In working for a family member, it’s important to recognize you are presently dependent on them financially, this very much can, and likely will at some point change. It’s important, and resonates, to be as open minded about opportunities as possible. In utilizing a Dreamboard, opportunities just...show up, and not necessarily in ways you might have expected. 

The Shaman can be helpful. Like anything, there is a broad range of quality, and you can only know it’s helpfulness in clarifying experience, by experiencing it. I hope it is very helpful. Talk therapy can also be very, very helpful. I would not limit your expression to their understanding. I would ‘empty both barrels’ expression wise with every session you have. Get it all out. Maybe mention to the therapist “you might not understand all of where I’m coming from, but I gotta express and get stuff out”. I am not a clinical therapist. My wife has a master’s in it, and many of our friends re from that industry. I can appreciate the help it provides and agree with you that it does have it’s limits. I am very familiar beyond those limits, and also offer what usually gets called healing energy, long distance reiki, shaktipah, or RASA. I am more interested in you reaching your own discovery of this within yourself, and my direct experience with this transmission of energy has proven to be exceptional to psychological limitations. 

I feel that I understand where you’re at on your path in regard to the defending and not being able to crawl out of it. I have been there myself, and have not been there in over twenty years. You can align with your source such that even becomes hard to grasp or imagine. I have the upmost compassion and empathy for what you’re going through and hope the notion of that comment is encouraging and hopeful. 

Someone who is feeling numb as you mentioned is really my sweet spot, my specialty, the center of my wheelhouse, the ‘why’ I am doing these sessions at all. I was there long ago, and resources like Leo’s videos & forum, and “sessions” were not even a thing. Naturally, this became my calling, or life purpose. If you want to schedule a session here is a link  to my website. It’s the same link as below all my posts. Also, I have put together a list of meditations which are oriented exactly to what you want, to how you want to feel, here’s a link. 

 

I feel I’m at risk of overwhelming you with information...so maybe consider this post something you can digest a bit, and come back to anytime. 

Here is a link to a version of The Emotional Scale that I feel adds an important distinction in regard to the benefit of talking with someone. It might helpful with putting what you’re experiencing into perspective, with self-understanding. This page has an explanation as an example of how using the scale plays out that might be refreshing and helpful as well. 

I hear you on the ‘cry for validation’ and the ego. We could say that it is, but that wouldn’t bring any understanding, clarity, peace of mind, joy, enthusiasm, nor alleviation of your suffering, and I favor those very much and desire to help. When I went through depression etc, my eyes were opened to utilizing every resource available. Though this is not a perspective everyone shares, I imagine a world in which it is. 

Keep expressing, letting it out. I wish you the best. 

 

@mandyjw @allislove

Appreciate you guys very much. Thank you. ?

[LostSoul]

@mandyjw appreciate your comment, thanks. I can relate to almost all words of @Ensho. I feel conected to you in that way. Love.

[Ensho]

@mandyjw First of all, thank you for reading my post and for the compassion you've shown me, I'm very grateful. You're right about self-judgement, it is almost constant for me right now, which is something to be mindful of even at times when I feel like beating myself up when sliding back to lower levels of consciousness (that's how it feels anyway). I'm going to keep my meditation practice going regardless, but be patient in my process.

@Nahm thank you for your thoughtful reply, I will get my blood checked soon and try to clean up my diet even more. In the meantime I will go ahead with the talk and healing therapy, and as you suggested to express everything I can. I already feel a little better today having voiced my problems here and your comments have been reassuring. Over the next days I'll take a look at the links you've provided. Also feel a one-to-one session could be beneficial some time.

[Nani]

Hey please listen to me.

I have seen Leo talking about FREE WILL VS DETERMINISM. 

I was so confused.

Iam a porn addict since 2016.

Ok ,If i have no free will  ,will I ever be breaking my porn addiction?

I wanted it to be over now. Should I have to leave it to the nature until it acts?

I can't leave it.

Like I lost my life purpose . I feel like death is my only option.

 

I feel like I got nothing to do.

 

Please help me on this topic.

 

I want to directly talk to Leo and get my doubts clarified.

Man I can't bear this pain ? .

 

[Nani]

@LostSoul @Ensho @mandyjw @allislove Hey please listen to me.

I have seen Leo talking about FREE WILL VS DETERMINISM. 

I was so confused.

Iam a porn addict since 2016.

Ok ,If i have no free will  ,will I ever be breaking my porn addiction?

I wanted it to be over now. Should I have to leave it to the nature until it acts?

I can't leave it.

Like I lost my life purpose . I feel like death is my only option.

 

I feel like I got nothing to do.

 

Please help me on this topic.

 

I want to directly talk to Leo and get my doubts clarified.

Man I can't bear this pain ? .

 

[allislove]

@Nani

Do it right now to feel better ??

 

[Mu_]

On 1/13/2021 at 8:04 AM, Nani said:

@LostSoul @Ensho @mandyjw @allislove Hey please listen to me.

I have seen Leo talking about FREE WILL VS DETERMINISM. 

I was so confused.

Iam a porn addict since 2016.

Ok ,If i have no free will  ,will I ever be breaking my porn addiction?

I wanted it to be over now. Should I have to leave it to the nature until it acts?

I can't leave it.

Like I lost my life purpose . I feel like death is my only option.

 

I feel like I got nothing to do.

 

Please help me on this topic.

 

I want to directly talk to Leo and get my doubts clarified.

Man I can't bear this pain ? .

 

If you feel like you have free will, use it.  Try and stop, or do less.  Then once you've done less for a week or two, do less the next weeks.  Then again the nex few weeks.  Keep doing less until it feels like you can't do any less and then stay with that for a while, like months. Masturbating some is fine. 

Maybe eventually you'll do less again.  Then less again.  Trying to stop all at once can be very hard and cause you to stop and not want to try at all.