Who says, "Sexual Incompatibility is Real?"

[RobertZ]

Why have I never heard anyone say, “Do not marry anyone who does not want sex as often as you do."?

[RobertZ]

No one answered before me.

I adjure you in the spirit of joy: Do not get married unless you have talked to your partner about how often you need or want to have sex. At least ask the other person about this matter.

When I got married, I had no idea about “sexual compatibility.”

For example, I took a graduate course on married love and sexuality some five years before marriage. The class said, “Communication is essential in marriage.” Astounding! However, no one advised communicating about sexual frequency in advance of marriage.

When I vowed, “I will love you for the rest of my life…” I assumed its sexual meaning. I failed to ask, “Sex every day? Twice a week? Two times a year? Six times a year?”

I gradually found out about my situation, starting a few days after the marriage. The second day after the wedding, I was wondering whether we were going to have sex again? Nope. A marriage miracle: turns out, she was pregnant from the day before! No sex during pregnancy. Ouch. Postpartum depression: no sex after pregnancy. Double-ouch. Maybe things will change? How about another baby?

I can only blame myself for my lonely disappointment. Presumably, I am getting a fair deal out of this family relationship; otherwise, would I not leave my wife and kids for a woman who wants to share this love with me frequently? Perhaps. However, I was sexually celibate for many years before my sexless marriage. So, I am slow to judge. ‘In great pleasure, a person forgets past pain; but in great sorrow, a person forgets joy.’

I have had my moments of happiness with my wife and my two kids. I still hope to serve humanity with the message that ‘Existence is good.’ I still hope to improve my physique, my intellect, my leadership, and my spirit. I asked God to take away my bitterness regarding this lonely wound.

At least have a conversation with your prospective partner about how frequently you want/need/hope for sex. Further, I would generally suggest avoiding marriage with anyone who does not want sex as often as you.

[Preety_India]

I'm just wondering how women cope with men who only keep demanding

 

Such men even cheat in marriages. 

Best advice - not to marry such men. Get to know them way before waiting for that ring. Because life sucks, and for some people, they just aren't marriage material. 

It takes a shit ton of effort to make a marriage work and teenagey needs dont have much space in that. 

If someone wants marriage then be fully prepared for what comes with it. 

Or else go for one night stands. Much better than throwing a pregnant woman or a single mother in pain. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I'm suspecting that the actual problem here is some sort of sexual repression affecting your wife. Perhaps cultural? Perhaps she has gotten some ill informed female health advice or disempowering beliefs somewhere along the line? Maybe you can help her find some resources to heal it if she's open to it? 

[Emerald]

Just popping in to say that sex during pregnancy is totally normal and healthy... in case you were under the impression that sex during pregnancy is unsafe. 

 

[RobertZ]

Thanks for your responses.

@mandyjw, your understanding is most kind and thoughtful. I especially appreciate your assumption that I am committed to healing. You must be the kind of person who brings out the best in others.

I will consider your suggestion, @mandyjw, that the sexual discrepancy may have informational roots. I may have overlooked this possibility of misinformation because my wife and I are very privileged, educationally. My wife also enjoys pop culture and shows like Sex in the City and the Bachelor. I assume that her relative disinterest in sex is not ideological, but I never considered the role of information.

Emotional constellations may have caused the sexual discrepancy (e.g., my own missing need for attention as a child; her childhood exposure to an abusive parent; the decisions she made to escape a relationship with a psychopathic individual). Counselling provided us with some assistance. However, I believe the issue is more likely to be hormonal. My understanding is that testosterone insensitivity or low levels of testosterone can cause sexual disinterest in females.

@Emerald, thanks for mentioning the ordinary health safety of sex during pregnancy, in case. My understanding is that we did not have sex during pregnancy because my wife was disinterested. However, her health [i.e., post-partum depression] was also a factor in why we did not have sex for some years.

@Preety_India, thanks for your perspective. Several online articles describe both partners’ emotional struggles—trying to help both partners understand one another. As you said, “marriage takes a shit ton of work”. However, I note the tragic dearth of available information on variance in sexual interest in the game of ‘no-cheating.’

It also makes sense that people who demand sex would often cheat on their spouses. Demanding sex—ever—appears to indicate immature arrogance and disrespect.

You might be right that one-night stands are better for a person who would disrespectfully demand sex. Such an arrogant person may lack the maturity required to commit to life-long sexual love, respect, and honour. However, one night's advisability stands is beyond me because I have only had sex with one person. I am ignorant of whether sex with various people or sex with only one person is “better.”

Edited January 18, 2021 by RobertZ

[Michal__]

Great topic. If you want to get married & don't have a good sex life yet I can see how that could be a big problem down the road. 

Will remember this if I get married.

Edited January 18, 2021 by Michal__