My experience of 'physical' death

[ivankiss]

I die and am reborn faster than I can blink.

But that's not what I want to touch upon here.

I aim to point at actual physical death. More precisely; the experience of it. Not an ego death. Not a psychological death. The kind of death when you're ran over by a bus. 

I don't want to go too deep into it in this post, nor do I want to claim with 100% certainty that my view on this is 'true'. I just want to share how I experienced this and maybe see if anyone else here can relate. 

So in short; a few years ago I overdosed on a couple of different drugs at once and I died in my room. It was extremely painful, slow and messy. I had a heart attack and that was it. Game over. The world shut down. 

It was not consciously 'planned' on my behalf. I was not suicidal. What I was though, was incredibly irresponsible and stupid. So needless to say; when I realized that I overdosed and that I'm actually dying I resisted it as if...well...my life depended on it. The terror I felt is beyond any description. 

While I was dying; the entire structure of reality was revealed to me. Layer by layer. I saw it all and knew it all in an instance. More precisely; I remembered it all. The closer I was to actual death; the more I was conscious of everything. And I mean every fucking thing. All the why's, how's and what's. I was everything.

My senses completely dissolved and eventually my heart stopped. It was as real as real gets. And then; nothing. And I mean absolutely nothing. The kind of nothing where there is no notion of nothing. Imagine infinite pitch blackness. Even that is more than the nothing I speak of. 

And then - after an infinite amount of timeless nothingness - something that I can only describe as 'the big bang' happened. Out of nothing; everything was born. At once. And it was done out of sheer will. Infinite Will. God's Will. My Will. It was deliberate and on purpose. 

I was back in my room. Back in my body. Lying on the floor where I died. As if nothing has ever happened. My senses razor-sharp. Everything was the same and nothing was the same. I was completely conscious of what went down and it all made perfect sense. I had no doubt and no question in my mind. The overall vibe of it all was like I was experiencing the afterlife. Heaven. 

I knew I was back in the game and for the first time ever saw it all for what it is. It was my Will. The rest of the story is irrelevant at this time.

Since that experience; I am on a journey of integration, healing and also learning how to articulate what I went through more clearly and precisely.

My theory here is that I died in one reality and then 'reincarnated' into a slightly different/altered version of it. Hypothetically; in the reality where I died; someone found my dead body, my family buried me and all that... But because from my point of view death is an illusion and I am actually immortal; life continued and I'm still breathing. All because of my Will. When you die; you actually die relative to that reality in which you've died. You move on to 'a new level' and from your perspective it's as if nothing has ever happened.

Of course this is all just a complex of memories/ideas I have in my mind right now.. Nevertheless; there might be something to this experience of mine. I'm curious if anyone can relate? 

I have also experienced 'physical' death on 1 or 2 more occasions. But that was not nearly as raw and intense as my first experience. One could say the main difference was that in those later experiences death was kind of anticipated. I knew it was coming and kind of what to expect. Nevertheless; it was still terrifying. Such is death; imo.

No matter how illusory or unreal it is; I don't see how death could actually be a pleasant experience. It goes against everything you are. The mind/body complex is an intricate system and it is wired to fight for its preservation. Survival. You may think you are ready to surrender... But when the moment comes; it's a different story. 

Nevertheless; if anyone here has had a nice experience of dying... I'd be more than happy to read your story and consider your views.

Peace.

 

 

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by ivankiss

[Visionary]

I always love reading your posts my Friend. When you spoke of Will it brough tears to my eyes. 

I never physically died though i have been in hell. I once dove deep in one of my core wounds and understood it was hell. A collective hell of shame. All prana/energy left my body, i become cold as ice. But it was beautiful and terrifying.

But death? Physically? No, never. But as you said death is illusory. So its not one specific point. We're dying already, right? Isn't that what is meant by death? Not just the body totally shutting down, but the whole shebang? 

But i understand, one must experience it before you can understand.

[seeking_brilliance]

Much love. We're glad Ivan was resurrected. Be safe ?

[ivankiss]

@Visionary Thank you.

I myself am quite familiar with hell. One could say I'm venturing into it quite often these days. For the purposes of releasing some trauma and reaching a deeper understanding of my shadow. Not pleasant at all haha. But it's relevant, I imagine.

Death is necessary and only natural. Still; I struggle to make peace with it. It seems to me that that's simply a part of the whole process of transformation. It's uncomfortable. And sometimes very painful and terrifying. It's life. 

Much love.

@seeking_brilliance I'm not dying so easily ?❤

 

[Guest SirVladimir]

Extremely interesting, I humbly thank you for expanding our horizons. 

By the way...

Is this the second coming of Ivankiss? Will it result in new music? New albums? "Chimes From Beyond The Grave"? 

Edited January 8, 2021 by SirVladimir

[Mu_]

Cool moment.  I can almost relate, although not as dramatically, but perhaps just as altering. 

My wife and I were on shrooms one time and it was amazing, however just towards the last hour or so as I was seeing god in her and telling me it was time for it to leave, I broke down crying pleading not to go, don't leave me here alone.  This kicked off a wanting to die within and not be around anymore.  My wife began to become scared because i just started to blank out and fade away.  She called my dad to come over since she didnt know what to do (He's a Shaman btw).  And she didn't see what was going on as a medical emergency (which it wasn't).  I remember this was this deep down letting go in which I could feel if I just faded a little further I may have never come back, like there's this thin membrane were bliss/peace was just on the other side and nothing in this realm would be held together if fully breached.  But something in me held on.  After my dad came over I felt a link to something I could not explain that had been communicating with my wife and I the whole mushroom trip.  It revealed itself to be an ascended master which I dont recall the name of atm, I have it written down somewhere.  It said something along the lines of being a function of connection and love and that this was at the backbone of this universe. 

But ya I'm crying again now that I type this, hadn't thought about it in a while.

To your reincarnated idea, ya I've wondered this to at one point and see no reason that at any moment we could be in different actual timelines/or identical universes after sleeping or just blinking.  This really made sense to me after I saw the movie Tank Girl for the first time in like 20 years and I was like wait, Gwen Stefanni is the lead in this movie, which after spending hours looking into isn't the case.

I have memories of seeing the movie when it came out in theaters, my friends and I talking about how it was so strange Gwen Stefani got the role, since she was a popular no doubt singer at the time.  I also have memories of the media saying the same thing and it being in the paper.  Also have later memories of talking about this years down the road to people.  But NOPE, during covid I wanted to watch this with my wife, and I'm like wait, who's this actress, is this tank girl, it seems so familiar but where's Gwen.  Lol man was such a trip.  Totally reminded me of the movie "Yesterday" about a guy who has an accident and wakes up were a world doesn't know the Beatles existed and goes on to make their music.

Reality is lit as fuck and its so mysterious.  Although I don't share a lot of this with others since its so easy to dismiss as a mental condition or your just crazy.

[mmKay]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near-death_experience

[abrakamowse]

@ivankiss Thanks for sharing! Awesome experience!

 

[Moksha]

@ivankiss Thanks for sharing such a personally profound experience. If you haven't seen this yet, you might find the near death experience of the first two people in this video to be helpful in processing your own experience.

 

 

[Visionary]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

@Visionary Thank you.

I myself am quite familiar with hell. One could say I'm venturing into it quite often these days. For the purposes of releasing some trauma and reaching a deeper understanding of my shadow. Not pleasant at all haha. But it's relevant, I imagine.

Death is necessary and only natural. Still; I struggle to make peace with it. It seems to me that that's simply a part of the whole process of transformation. It's uncomfortable. And sometimes very painful and terrifying. It's life. 

Much love.

 

Yeah same man. I realize more and more that "I" can never heal myself. I have never healed myself. So I pray. And god will not respond to my liking. Only when i realize the depths of my hopelesness and i appear naked before him. And he won't give me what's not already there. My uncertainty turns into Faith. Only by Grace. It's so cruel haha. 

❤

 

[ivankiss]

3 hours ago, SirVladimir said:

Extremely interesting, I humbly thank you for expanding our horizons. 

By the way...

Is this the second coming of Ivankiss? Will it result in new music? New albums? "Chimes From Beyond The Grave"? 

Thank you. And haha, well... that is the idea - in a way. Still; I find that there are some 'more important' things that are currently unfolding for me. As much as I'd like to; I cannot skip ahead. 

@Mu_ That was an awesome read. Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts.

Regarding parallel realities/timelines; I kinda lean towards the idea because it is the most accurate way I can describe what I became conscious of that night (and on several other occasions). It was as if I have ascended above time-space and was able to see multiple timelines at once. Multiple variations, configurations, possibilities. All happening at once. What I concluded is that it is merely a matter of which version of reality I was tuned in to. A timeline is just like a stream of thoughts - I'd say.

Totally hear ya regarding sounding crazy to other people with stuff like this haha. I don't speak to folks about my meta experiences outside of this forum. Especially not as in depth as here. But I sure hope one day this stuff will become something we all can talk about openly and casually.

 @Moksha Thank you. Will check out the video asap. Much love.

@Visionary That's great. Prayer is beautiful and even necessary - imo. Even if one has realized themselves to be God; I'd say having a relationship with God is very important. Oscillations are to be expected and in times of struggle; reaching out to the Heavens and asking for guidance and strength can help alot. Also - in times of joy and fulfilment; expressing gratitude for all the blessings is beautiful and empowering. I'm sure God hears us.

Thanks for the vid - will check. Bless ya.

[ivankiss]

18 hours ago, Keyhole said:

What was it like when the layers melted away and what did you learn about reality when they did?  How did it look and feel?

It might be difficult for me to describe it all precisely from my current state of consciousness, and there's a lot to be said... but I'll try to summarise;

First I lost the sense of self. I could not tell left from right, up from down. Did not know who or where I was. It was literally as if someone clicked the delete button. My senses started dissolving. Melting into this giant sea of information. There was no difference between seeing or hearing, touching or smelling. It was all one and the same. At a certain point there was no possibility for me to do anything that I did not see happen beforehand. It's very tricky to describe since my perception of time was long gone at this point. I can only describe it as zooming out and being simultaneously conscious of many different parallel realities. Seeing them all clear as day. As clearly as I see this very moment. I felt it all at once. I literally was all of it at once. 

Felt like I was popping in and out of existence at the speed of light. I was and I was not, simultaneously. It's one thing to know it; but experiencing it is something totally different. Do you know how white feels? Everything was pure white. It's funny when I say it now, but that's what I experienced.

It was all happening to itself, through itself and for itself. I'd describe it as some sort of a self-correcting code. I cannot emphasize enough how precise it was. The biggest trip about it is that I was conscious of it all being my will, but I could not change anything. It was all meant to be. I had no full access to the Source. That is; until everything shut down completely.

Hope you can extract anything valuable from that. 

15 hours ago, AMTO said:

I’m a bit confused. You say you believe we switch timelines at death. So you for example switched to a similar but different timeline, which makes sense given your age, but what about old age death? Would you then start over from birth or would you switch to an entirely new experience? 

I'm not saying that's how it is for sure. It's just how I experienced it. Someone else who had a similar experience might articulate it differently.

Ime; after death you have the absolute freedom to do whatever the heck. But since you're infinitely conscious and intelligent at that point; you must likely will not 'return' to something that has served its purpose. Unless there's some 'unfinished business'. Feel me?

14 hours ago, Tim Ho said:

Thanks, very interesting.

I believe you.  This is now on my bucket list  ?

Please don't believe me haha. And don't harm yourself. I would not like to repeat this experience of mine ever again. It was not pleasant at all - to say the least.

Go slow, step by step. Respect your boundaries.

[Muhammad Jawad]

Hi @ivankiss!

I hope you are doing well.

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience of Death.

I found a lot of common things in your and my Trip.

Someone at this forum read your Trip report and then read my trip report and he told me that there is a lot common in both of your trips. 

So He gave me the link to your trip report which I read and found a lot in common.

If you are interested then you can read my trip report from the following link:

Thanks a lot :-)

[abrakamowse]

@ivankiss it was me who read @Muhammad Jawad post and I saw many similarities. What I see similar is the fact that both lived in different versions of your lives, both died in one of those realities... it seems that this is how consciousness really work.

I was a bit sceptic about that, it sound to me like Science Fiction hahaha... but now that you  are sharing this experiences and I'm finding also similarities in the experiences of other psychonauts... I am beginning to be open to this idea.

 

(I already said this, but here it goes again hehehe... )

Thanks both for sharing!

Edited January 16, 2021 by abrakamowse

[wesyasz]

That's interesting what you write. Once my ex told me she wondered if they found her body in another parallel reality as she had death experience without any drugs or anything. But to me, it would be more relevant if you would experience it with no drugs involved to call it physical death, do you know what I mean? I too experienced dissolution of everything and death - after mushrooms - yet I do not remember any pitch black darkness. Rather formless divine stream of love and the place where you can either merge with it, come back to imagine this lifetime or get on, forget idea of this lifetime and imagine another one. Attachment brought me back into this, so this reality has been recreated. What's commong with your experience, it happened on "my will" so to speak.

[TheSource]

Wow, @ivankiss, thank you for sharing this intense experience.

You said that you came back on your own will. Is there any way to describe how the will felt like? How can there be will in this infinite nothingness as you describe it? Also you wrote:

On 15.1.2021 at 11:38 PM, ivankiss said:

Ime; after death you have the absolute freedom to do whatever the heck. But since you're infinitely conscious and intelligent at that point; you must likely will not 'return' to something that has served its purpose. Unless there's some 'unfinished business'. Feel me?

This resonates very much with me. But also here, how can you express your freedom when you in this infinite nothingness? I mean there was no thought process happening, right?

[ivankiss]

@Muhammad Jawad That was an awesome read. Thank you for sharing. And thank you @abrakamowse for connecting the dots ❤

Definitely can relate. Especially regarding instant manifestation. Thinking reality into existence - in real time. 

Every single thought I had materialized instantly. It's something that sounds like a true superpower... But it freakin' scared the crap out of me. I was not able to handle that kind of a power and freedom. My fears got the best of me. Hence my 'terrifying' experience. I look at it as a major purification. A lesson. A blessing.

Thanks again. Much love and respect to you.

@wesyasz That's very cool. Thanks. To be honest; was not expecting others to relate to this experience. It's great to see that some can.

Well, I did experience complete disintegration without drugs as well. But as I mentioned - that was not as intense and mind-blowing as my first experience. I merged with infinite Love and Bliss too, but not before facing my biggest fears. Those were the barriers. I call them 'the guardians of exits'.

8 minutes ago, TheSource said:

Wow, @ivankiss, thank you for sharing this intense experience.

You said that you came back on your own will. Is there any way to describe how the will felt like? How can there be will in this infinite nothingness as you describe it? Also you wrote:

This resonates very much with me. But also here, how can you express your freedom when you in this infinite nothingness? I mean there was no thought process happening, right?

Thank you! Glad you find the I information valuable.

Infinite Nothingness is Infinite Will itself. The 're-emergence' was like a massive explosion of Source-energy. Felt like I literally was 'the big bang'. It was a pulse of Will.

Pure Nothingness is a frequency singularity. No distortion whatsoever. There was no thought processing, or any other processing for that matter. Only stillness and silence. That is exactly what infinite freedom is. Out of nothing anything can be born.

Love.

[TheSource]

@ivankiss again thank you, super interesting! So, the infinite Will is an instantaneous phenomenon without any prior "I want X so I have to do Y"? It just happens immediately, right? But how were you able to construct/reconstruct your "new" reality? And how did you know that you were willing to come back? For me it's a miracle that the Nothingness is Infinite Will itself.

[ivankiss]

 

4 hours ago, TheSource said:

So, the infinite Will is an instantaneous phenomenon without any prior "I want X so I have to do Y"? It just happens immediately, right? 

Exactly.

Nothing... 'and then' BAM.

4 hours ago, TheSource said:

But how were you able to construct/reconstruct your "new" reality? 

Again; Infinite Will. There is no real 'how'. From the how's point of view; it happens backwards. (@nahm?)

4 hours ago, TheSource said:

And how did you know that you were willing to come back? 

Retrospectively. I can retrace my steps, so to speak. And it was undeniably obvious when I took the first step - if you know what I mean.

To put it bluntly; I just really, really wanted to be here and go through this journey.

4 hours ago, TheSource said:

For me it's a miracle that the Nothingness is Infinite Will itself.

A true miracle indeed

Edited January 17, 2021 by ivankiss

[Muhammad Jawad]

On 1/17/2021 at 5:47 AM, ivankiss said:

That was an awesome read. Thank you for sharing. And thank you @abrakamowse for connecting the dots ❤

Thanks a lot :-)