Road To Success & The Obstacles

[Striving for more]

I shouldn't keep writing because I have to go & be productive ... 

But I just suddenly felt something in my chest, intense almost painful sensation of desire. 

I want it so bad, to be at the airport, to be on that plane, looking out into the horizon, to feel challenged, to feel engaged, to be in the present moment, a sense of wonder, novelty, excitement for the unknown & unpredictable future, with no limits & no certainty. 

I wanna see that hot air hostess & I want her to feel that look in my eye, a young guy who's finally on the path, the path of discovery, going after his dreams, making bold moves.

The look will communicate 0 degree of resignation,  0 degree of apathy but a 100 fucking degrees of fire, call me Celsius. 

I command thy subconscious mind to get spiritual, to keep sparking the flame... Persistence & Relentless action all I need at this stage. 

Persistence, Relentlessness, forward thinking, no more rumination & no more distraction with base desires & hollow pleasures. 

There is really nothing more to say, I go now & carry the spirit with me, the spirit of a spartan, the spirit of the Greek gods with large eagle eyes who see in to the future. 

I will be decisive & make bold sudden moves, yet I will plan to the end. 

[Striving for more]

In spite of the empowering journals I have been held back by distractions today. I broke some integrity with myself ... I wasted time. 

I don't feel shame or guilt I  just feel ... Foggy, Docile & apathetic. 

This is not good ^ apathy is the worst energy field for success, even lower than negative emotions. 

 

Today I half completed sub steps to my Goal, but instead I got distracted by food & sexual impulse. 

I spent too much time eating, thinking about food & cooking. 

I binged on some Musueli containing Sulphur Dioxide (Probs not great) 

Then I got back to tidying & preparing items to sell. 

... But then I masturbated to porn for 20 + Minutes. 

By this point I the task of tidying & listing items slipped away from me & not long after I already felt too tired... 

IT IS ESPECIALLY CRUCIAL I WASTE AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE WHEN MY ENERGY IS HIGH ... 10PM 12PM 3PM 4PM ...ETC. THESE HOURS ARE PRECIOUS. STOP FUCKING ABOUT.

 

Tomorrow I will just have to get going straight away. No morning routine or mediation this time > PUshing that to the afternoon because I have to prove to myself again that I'm productive straight away 

The first 2 hours of the day will be instant productivity > I will complete my highest priorities 6-8AM 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Today was a better day... I did 20-30% better than yesterday, no porn today either. I did some check points. 

I chose to allow myself to be proud of the small wins, tomorrow I aim for 10% higher. 

Gradual progress, playing the patient game now. 

Now I go watch leo's new vid, interesting ... juicy. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

This evening I wasted 20-40 minutes thinking about food. 

Healthy food, unhealthy food, sweet food, salty food. 

Ice cream, sugar, Almond milk, honey, burritos, fish in a creamy source in a pie ... mmm can't let it goo ... ah

This all occured ironically after watching Leo's new marketing vid. I will need to work on detachment a lot. 

I have attachments to food still, even though I am eating decent, the long, long decade long attachment doesn't disappear overnight. It's very very easy for me to lapse. Extremely easy. And I did lapse with alcohol last week ... & it costs me 3 days of productivity ... just from 1 decision. 

 

Moreover, I have many unmet needs, real worthwhile needs, so my brain tries to distract myself by chasing lower needs to avoid the lack, the hole. 

 

I realize, I am at war with my mind, especially in this time, where I am very deficient & not where I want to be, I AM AT WAR WITH MY MIND. 

I can not get complacent & I see my mind as the enemy, a very capable, sneaky, cunning foe. 

I must be 10X stronger, more creative & more tactical than that foe ... & even then I must never lose sight on the foes ability to catch me off guard ... at any moment, from any angle. 

The foe could catch me when I'm down, the foe could catch me when I win, "time to celebrate now, look I had a small win here ... & already by the inception of that thought, I have already lost. The mind then takes me even lower than where I started, & it becomes 1 step forward, 3 step back. 

 

I feel like there's a massive split in my psyche. I thought I'd grown, but I have a long, long way to go.

And as for who I am? There's a strong force that wants power & respect, sometimes even "revenge" on society, through being better than everyone else, I want all the money & the women & the status, & the resources I want to soak it all  up & bathe in it for eternity, & take anti aging pills & limitless drugs & bathe in this power for 100's of fucking years. I want to laugh at everyone who doubted me, I want to make envious those who I envied.  

But there's another side of me, equally powerful, but more balanced. The side of me who wants to win at life to inspire others, to show that you can go from nobody to something, to express creativity & authenticity. 

& I'm done. I'm exhausting myself with thoughts. Enough. la piensa tiene limitationes, Puta, eh eheh. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Deep sense of hollow emptiness arose within me.  

I get this feeling every day. It's ok, I accept it. 

I won't avoid it, I go outside & observe the feeling, meditate on it. 

 

[Striving for more]

Only got about 4 hours of sleep last night & it has cost me. 

I have done some stuff but only operated at about 30% of capability max

I have this tendency to try and nap every time I have a rough night, but it's sooo frustrating.  THE NAP NEVER WORKS.

I try to nap for "20 minutes" with good intention, then I end up just laying there nearly an hour, often masturbating. 

I must not break my rule of no caffiene after 10 AM, I am too sensitive. 

Sleep is important but ... I want to have the discipline & focus to still do everything in spite of fatigue, as we can't always sleep well, sometimes it's out of our control. I often rationalize to myself laziness because "I'm too tired there's no point" ... but it's better to push through & sleep it off the next day. 

It's pretty tough seeing the whether & people outside socializing, exercising & my body still hasn't healed yet, I just can't wait to feel athletic & agile.

Not exercising or socializing too makes me think about food & sex more I think, harder to focus with all that pent up energy & boredom. 

The only tool I have rn though is meditation, I have to harness gratitude too because truthfully my situation is peanuts compared to a convict, especially a falsely accused convict, thousands of those guys must sit in a cell today, so I am so so grateful, I just have to remind myself of what I have, instead of whining that everything isn't perfect. 

 

 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

strong force pulling me to procrastinate on my goals and tasks. 

I have been thinking about food & sex for the last 2 hours. 

Normally I would go & buy a "cheat meal" or order something, & waste money. 

This time I will meditate for 10 to 20 minutes, & I hope the addictive feeling & urge to procrastinate dissipates & is replaced by an urge to work hard & achieve. 

[Striving for more]

Meditation didn't work. 

I feel like total shit. 

It could be the low sleep quality, or the sun scream I applied over my body today, I believe I have multiple chemical sensitivity, (last time I used herbal essences shampoo - I had insomnina & this insanse head rash, was insanely unpleasant & painful). 

I'm trying to be productive but I just feel like Total shit, 0 mental energy. 

I ate tinned salmon today & I feel guilty about it. Didn't give me any energy, just poison. 

This sucks. I'm just sitting here suffering in the heat. NO energy, I have a headache. 

I used polyester bedding my whole fucking life, had insomnia most of my fucking life & I didn't even know this factor. 

I hate not having energy. Many people just don't have the energy. It's not laziness, it's a lack of health. I feel like total fucking shit nothings going to get done today it's too much. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS GOD FUCK YOU FOR TAKING MY POWER AWAY I NEED ENERGY BACK I PREY I GET AWAY FROM THIS PROBLEM

Edited June 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I must have chemical sensitivity because I feel fucking terrible. 

I spent money on takeaway to take away the pain ( No pun intended).

But fuck, I need to act anyway, I need to remind myself of my goal, I need to just get out of this fucking miserable place. 

[Striving for more]

Sub optimal day today... It's fine. 

I will forgive & accept myself. 

I will do 1 or 2 useful things & then listen to some positive podcast or read book. 

I will then sleep & command subconscious mind deep rest 

up at 6am & then killing it. 

I am not my past, no need to revert back into old negative beliefs. 

I drown out negativity with faith & self love. 

I love myself, I will act in accordance with that fact. Everything I desire is within reach. I am "so close". 

I am getting so much smarter every day. Keep growing & maintain patience & faith. 

[Striving for more]

Keep remembering the guys stuck in prison. 

Poor guys, stuck in a cell for a bit of sativa. 

10 years for weed smuggling, they would kill to be free, free to live 

DON'T EVER FUCKING BE NEGATIVE OR CONSIDER WASTING THE SHOT YOU HAVE. THIS IS A GIFT! 

RECONNECT WITH THE MAGIC OF LIFE, HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE FREE. 

Yeah I got problems, health problems, mental problems & bad habits  but I have the FREEDOM to fix them. 

THose prisoners would killl to have my place, so DON'T waste it. 

[Striving for more]

I forgive myself today. 

Something biological happened & I don't understand it. 

Somrthing made me feel weird as fuck for hours, still put off. 

Tomorrow god will give me more luck & I will be able to work. 

[Striving for more]

I'm fighting back.  I felt some fire within me. 

I'm going to some useful stuff now, I don't want to, I want to masturbate to a photo of that girl I met like a creep, but no I won't do it. 

I'll text her instead, & I won't expect a response & I couldn't care less cos I'm moving country baby. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get my shit together & go back to my to do lists & sort my fucking life out again. 

The urge to masturbate & go get more food is stronnng, very strong. But I make the the other urge stronger, the desire for life, real life. 

Goodbye forum, I'm out for a week, If I return sooner, I probably fucked up. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I'm back. I need to clarify with myself. 

I seek happiness in a curry today

I spent £16 on a curry. 

It tasted good, it lasted 10 minutes. 

If I did that every day that would be ... £212 per week 

thats 848 per month 

.... that's just over 10K Per year 

Of course I don't buy takeaways that often. 

But this is the slippery slope of wasteful spending. 

& imagine the investing oppurtunity cost of blowing away 10K on curry...

a 10X Investment is pretty common these days, that's 100K !
 

This year I spent months & months  of pretty solid saving, I had broken my spending urges, I worked non stop, saved & invested non stop. 

Now I have fallen back into bad habits these few months, spending, gambling even. 

Like I said, the mind is one hell of a sneaky, powerful enemy. 

I haven't grown enough yet, but a big part of it is the "structure" (content vs structure) I'm sure if my make big structural changes, I won't even have the desire to eat shitty food, I'll be too busy learning, socializing, fucking a real person, exercizing ... 

that's real pleasure ... slow pleasure that requires work. A curry is fake pleasure. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I listen to Daniel Schmathenberger, I love he speaks. 

This guy is a genius. 

Why? Because he says the most important relevant thing in the most simple concise & persuasive manner possible in the exact way you need to hear it. He is a masterful articulator of concepts, problems & systems. 

Tomorrow I go again, I fight back against the perpetual backlashes & I prey for a restul nights sleep.

[Striving for more]

"Wisdom is the ability to bypass the short term reward circuit in order to get to something deeper & better"

Delayed gratification = self love. 

[Jai]

Looks like you're setting a high standard for yourself which is good! I'm trying to do the same thing. Really improve every area of my life and be consistent. Got to take life seriously... nobody will build the sweet future I want except for me. Keep at it, it looks like you're serious about making progress.

[Striving for more]

Thanks a lot, same with you man ! @Jai

Yeah, my journey has been pretty frustrating, there's been a ton of backlashes. 

Sometimes I've worked hard for weeks & months & actually blown it all away in days or hours.

I've also done many things in the wrong order, then I realized that structural problems (where I live) were severly limiting me & I wish I fixed it earlier, I'm getting there though. 

This video really helps (It's not about Andrew Kirby)

Summary : 

• Progress is very choppy - it is only Linear in the long run 
• Progress is faster ... with less intense down swing,  IF you do not hate yourself on your mistakes, lapses
• It's the hate & neuroticism that turns a micro mistake or micro backlash into a longer lasting one. 

 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

18 hours ago, Jai said:

Looks like you're setting a high standard for yourself which is good! I'm trying to do the same thing. Really improve every area of my life and be consistent. Got to take life seriously... nobody will build the sweet future I want except for me. Keep at it, it looks like you're serious about making progress.

I'm dead fucking serious. 

& I'm not settling for just one area either. 

Money, pussy, social life, happiness, physical health, intelligence enhancement, biohacking, building Infrastrucutre, building charisma, social intelligence, abundance of beautiful women

Live in a beautiful country, all the infrastructure, travelling, experiences, friends, 

& Being a leader, & being a creative genius, & being multi lingual 

& That isn't even an exhaustive list. No one will take away my ambition

I am serious because I have undergone a lot of pain & mistakes, but even more so because the greatest pain is regret. 

I'm terrified of more regret. Trying to fail faster everyday, be less & less stupid & neurotic every day. 

By the end of the year, who knows maybe I'll be a genius, a fucking immortal super being. Maybe you will too 

Yeah I really fell in love with the idea of ambition, many people will think I'm a narcissist & you know what i am. I Like it. 

But I'm gonna help a lot of people too, in a twisted way, my narcissistic drive will lead to serious advancement to society. But even if it doesn't, I don't give a fuck, beacuse Im gonna die anyway.