Road To Success & The Obstacles

[Striving for more]

Sleep pattern is still fucked up again. Don't feel like I'm in control, my brain just isn't shutting down until 2-3AM, even though I feel tired. 

10 Days on no fap now, after couple weeks of relapsing. 

Soul feels better, desire for life is strong.

Started edging tonight, but I jumped outa bed & put on some good music.  

Starting to set up my room up more, building my "infrastructure for success". Still could be tidied some more. 

Focus muscle is improving a bit, but still struggling with distractions. Still need to be waay more productive. 

At least on no fap I feel passionate, but not necessarily discipline, not in the right areas. 

I just need to gradually build up. But I feel so fucking impatient, I'm just so fucking ambitious, don't just mean money. I got to make it to the 1%, 1% most charismatic, 1% in technical skills, polyglot, 1% womaniser, 1% wealthiest, 1% most influential, authentic, 1 fucking percent. 

I'm so fucking competitive, I can't take this shit out of me. But I'm not yet disciplined. No point being competitive without discipline, completely pointless & I'll kill myself if I don't live up to my goals. 

Have to go back to the pain, maybe watch some fucked TV About kids in Johannesburg all trapped, so I appreciate my freedom & stop being a pussy not running towards my goals. 

Have to go back to my own pain too, remember how my life was - 6, mental torture, completely nihilistically self - destructive, completely lost the plot, go back to my old pain, how do I connect that to my present self? Cos my present self i'm like a 4-5 right now, & although that's fucking shit, I'm still getting too complacent. 

I almost want people to beat the shit out of me now, spit on my face. I fucking want it again, I need more strength, I need people to laugh at me again, tell me I aint good enough, I need the fucking spark. 

Because sometimes it's only when someone you know tells you you're nothing - you wake up, you have no choice but to prove the world wrong. 

Ahh fuck this waflling man what the fuck who the fuck am I doing just be fucking dicisplined hombre  piece de mierda puta madre hombre. 

 

 

[Striving for more]

Officially now can't sleep until 2-4 AM

Something is wrong with me, physically. 

Have a constant headache & I my body is very tense.

Could be that my cracked phone is leaking mercury, I need to get rid of it. 

Could be strong reaction to gluten. Will need to cut out all foods like brown pasta, only eat rice & oats. 

But I feel really weird physically, something is off. I hope I didn't permanently mess up my neurotransmitters because I abused modafinil this month, but I haven't taken it recently & every day I can't sleep until 2-4am, & when I do sleep & wake up it feels weird like I'm on some strange laced weed even though i'm not smoking.

It's frustrating because I finally had an ok sleep patter for a few weeks, & it's as bas as it could be & I can't control it. 

Going to take more rishi mushrooms as hopefully that will help my body go to normal, need to get rid of the phone though because It could be leaking mercury, who knows. 

[Striving for more]

Taking a break from this forum for a week to try to fix my health. 

[Striving for more]

Brain fog & fatigue severely bad now, was physically impossible for me to sleep before 4AM yesterday. 

Weird tingling sensation in my face & I have a headache all the time. 

Very hard to be productive in this state, stuff I want to do but i'm so out of it. 

I hope there's a solution.  

[Striving for more]

Tried to scheme hard to make money fast today & I lost. Didn't lose money but I didn't win. 

Had about 1K profits in my account but I was too indecisive, lost the investing profits as I took too long to sell & was greedy. 

The main reason I lost is i " felt as if I lost" - opposite of the winner effect. If you think you lost : you really lost. 

The mental fatigue I used as excuse to binge on biscuits & ice cream. 

 

Feeling impatient in life & like I keep letting myself down: too slow, still a bit too lazy, but even when I work hard, it's all to no avail because I blow it all away by being self destructive at the end

(e.g work had for 9 hours, then invalidate the work on hour 10 by fucking up sleep, make a bunch off money quick but then blow it away by being greedy)

 

Going to go for a run with music & hopefully I'll develop some presence, maybe try meditating in the park. I would wish to interreact with a cute girl but it's dark & cold so It would be most likely just creepy. 

Feel like I'm stuck in the same patterns every day, always working hard in the wrong way, ignoring the 80/20 rule, always leaving out important stuff. 

FUCK I just need more money & I want to move somewhere more exciting & enjoy life. 

Try & stay grateful I tell myself, others are dead, in jail & third world countries. Easier said than done, I only feel bitter. 

[Striving for more]

I need 2 things : 

1 EXTREME (EMOTIONAL) DRIVE

2 REQUISITE VARIETY 

 

1. I want it bad but I do not want it badly enough. I still use too many excuses (ill health & bad cognition) to not be creative & productive. 

- I need to keep going even when I'm tired, which is often

- I need to be emotionally charged to see the change I want in my life. 

 

2. I need to start CREATIVELY JOURNALLING 

- This form of creative journaling involves asking questions as to how I could solve my problem, what are the blind spots I'm missing? 

- Maybe there's another route? Maybe I'm thinking too narrow? 

- Cut out the limiting beliefs & self defeating mindsets. Too long has this gone on & costed me so much of my life. No more. 

[Striving for more]

After binging on ice cream. I just worked out like crazy. 

I have no problem working out, but I really couldn't care less, it does nothing for me, besides a big chest. 

I need discipline, meditation, focus.

Working out is easy because it it not discipline, it's an obsessive animalistic act, I became an animal. 

It;s easy to be an animal, but I need to be a post human 2021 focus freak

[Striving for more]

Ok I got it i just figured it out its so simple : SMALL STEPS BIG DREAMS.

JUST DO 1 LITTLE TINY THING THATS EASY, JUST MOVE THE DESK THEN JUST LOAD UP THE TABS FOR STUDY, THEN Learn then apply then whalah bank account can increase, but be patient young wizzard .

[Striving for more]

I hit my head (the top part) on a hard object earlier about 4PM  EST 

Have had a light headed feeling & headache since. & Disrupted sleep with extreme paranoia upon awakening :

Went to bed & prematurely woke up hour later, stuck in repetitive incoherent thought loops,  then my mum went to the bathroom & I thought there was a kidnapper & grabbed my scissors & waited there for 10 minutes, even after I said who's there & she replied, I thought that maybe a kidnapper/burgular had forced her to say that so I waited then calmed down then when I saw no one else was there.

Still feel weird hopefully this is nothing serious. 

I am clumsy so I hit my head fairly often unfortunately.  

 

I am sure there's a chance it will pass & I'll be fine tomorrow. But the night time paranoia has always came & go without hitting my head but it was particularly worse today. 

I do not expect to sleep tonight. Will try my best. 

The headache is particuarly noticeable in the right side of my head & is unpleasant, I feel pretty tense physically & its not in my control

 I'm hoping this reaction is common & not indicative of something serious. 

 

I have to add that I do have a long history of "midnight psychosis" before, & the exact scenarios described used to happen regularly when I lived on my own & do always happen now & then although. it hadn't happened in recent weeks & I still have a headache so I drew the connection that the head collision cause it or brought it back I don't know life complex

[Striving for more]

I've always been particuarly terrified of "head problems" & so hitting my head even lightly on an  object leaves me with an unnerving feeling for days. 

I just hope it didn't make my mental problems 10,5 or even 1% worse, because OCD & Anxiety went through the roof tonight & I don't want to go back to severe mental problems. 

It's going to just set me back another year or 2 & I will have no chance of self actualizing, maybe I'll even get Alzheimer's disease from hitting my head so many dam times. Such a clumsy fucker.

[Striving for more]

As much as I hate having mental problems/sleep disorders ect... it does ground me back to reality in a way.

As much as I fucking hate that stuff, it does take me out of my narcissism.

Dreams of hot women & lux lifestyle, drinking fine wine in tailored linen suits feeling all validated, all this disperses into thin air when you have health issues & suddenly you develop a deep sense of compassion for others who suffer, & consider how much worse your conditions could be, reminding oneself of all the others out there with sever symptoms like PTSD from being raped & abused by their own father, or those with dwarfism or gigantism, or just any extreme unfortunate outlier within this infinitely diverse spinning ball called planet fucking earth. 

Writing is feeling good right now, helping me forget my tension, some what oh no there goes the tension, well at least I'm occupied, maybe I'll listen to something funny, can't always take life seriously I guess, time to surrender tonight. 

Edited February 4, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Ok thank you " The Alchemist" you funny fuck I didn't even need youtube giggles because you just cracked me up mate ! 

LOOOOL TAI LOPEZ MASTERY MEGA HAHDHFDMDMUMDUAMADFHD

[Striving for more]

67 STEPS HAHAHAHAHAHMUAHFADHDAHSFSFASDHFADSJFH S,E VHFLKDSNX

[Striving for more]

Headache is now even worse & gut problems continue. Probably should seek medical care tomorrow if it persists, but I really don't want this shit going on I want to focus on making money.

My stomach keeps sorta vibrating & it feels like I always need to take a dump even when I don't 

Feel very tired but trying to push myself to be energetic, I will die for energy, give me energy god, god grace I need energy in this time I don't feel young anymore feel like a dying old guy.

[Striving for more]

I'm writing this message as a potential goodbye to everyone. 

If I live, I intend to stay on this forum. 

My kneck feels really bad, kneck problems are bad. 

I remain stearn & won't fear death or die in vain, but I could have something bad here. I can barely move my kneck. 

In case my kneck kills me, if you suddenly never here me again on this forum, then wish me well in Peace RIP me. 

Lets pray to the lord that I survive this. 

[Striving for more]

I have been procrastinating a lot lately & giving in to addictive, compulsive behaviours that stray me away from my goals.

There are people to reach out to, bills to pay, pragmatic things that need being done. 

I devote the next 3 months to raw logic & pragmatism, with the exception of improving my EQ (Self control, awareness, Intuition) which has pragmatic benefits anyway. 

But I just need this leverage & more action. 

I am studying productivity advice on this forum which is helpful, but i'm wise enough to spot that it could turn into mental masturbation :

I must take notes & apply this specific advice & follow through until it becomes a habit : 

Setting goals across different time frames & making a plan to achieve these goals. 

I want to be able to enjoy my life a bit for once this summer , that will require me to be more patient & strategic from now, focusing on building my income, educating myself, becoming more strategic & building habits. 

Also making detailed action plans short term vs long term for personal vs business life.

A life of vision & strategy.

No more over complicated bullshit, small specific steps, & remember patience is key, nothing will happen as quickly as I wanted, time to accept that.

 

A healthy blend of raw pragmatism & life optimization mixed with strengthening intuition is the potent cocktail that I need, I Call that sex on a beach ! ; ) 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I'm too tired to fix my problem, or just my problem can't be fixed. 

One day I wake up at 5am get 5 hours sleep, then next day falll asleep 2am. 

Just for this reason i feel like a zombie. 

I can barely be bothered to type this.

Good diet cold showers sun blah blah fuck off doesnt even help u useless fucking CUNTTTTTTTT

Just give me good sleep pattern god, I am only young once, please give me my life back. 

All I need is normal sleep. FUCK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ YIOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HFUFUFUOFADKLHSADFIOSDHASDFASDFFDHKLGASDvghklasdfBQSDFANBKLAcsbml;eqwrg;sdfb

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSAIUDFHSADIUOSDFAIUHSDFAHUIDSFAHUIDSFHFSDAHOIUFASDJHASDFJHKSDFAJKHSFDAJHSFDAHJSFADADPHOSAFDHIUOPSADFHUSADFIHGSADFIYGSFADIGOUSADFIGUSFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIFDGIUO

[Striving for more]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

WHATSSSSSSSSS THE FUCKING POINTTTTTTTTTTT.

 

WE ARE ALL JUST DEALTH EITHER GOOD OR BAD CARDS, ITS LUCK. 

JUST FUCKING KILL MYSELF

[Striving for more]

Mental health really bad today. 

Frustration eating me alive, feeling like i'm too old already, or i'm getting too old 

Just feeling so much regret that I didn't start enjoying life young, like 19, at least 21 fuck sake. 

Not that far away from 30. 

I just want to live in a cool place, socialize, bang hot chicks. It's not a lot to fucking want, but we can't even do that now maybe another year this will last, god knows 2 years what the fuck. 

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frustated ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I STILL LIVE WITH MY DAD HE'S SUCH AFUCKING LOSERRRRRRRRRR AHHHHHHHH FUCKING NERDDDDDDDD YOU FUCKING PEACE OF SHIT I DON'T WANT TO BE LIK EYOU BUT U RUB OFF ON ME YOU ANGRY BITTER FUCKING LOSER AHFKJLSADFHJKLASDFKLHJSFADHLKJASFDHKLSADFKLHASFDUKLHASDF KLASHF ASFSDFHIL

I NEED A FUCKING PUNCH BAG EXERCIZE DOES NOT CUT IT I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT EXERCISE. RAW SIMULATION OF FIGHTING CALMES THE NERVES & RELEASES THE FUCKING TENSION

Cider is all I have right now WHY THE FUCKS MY DAD ALWAYS SLAMMING DOORS MAN FUCKKKKKKK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT. FUCKINGLOSER,. 

AH I NEED MY OWN PLACE SO I CAN SMASH SHIT UP

I left my parents at 17-22 but I had to live with this fucking bitch, ugly personality, but at least then i could smash my fucking room up when I wanted. Now i got to keep it inside cos I live at home again fuck 

[Striving for more]

I want to punch the bed it's therepeutic but I can't because my parents don't fucking understand that it's really fucking healthy they should actually try sometime.

It hurts fucking no one. 

I want to elliot hulse (yes I know he's a luny now talking about the old him) .. elliot hulse tension release but I can't because my parents will think i'm a freak (i honstely don't care) however they';;  litterally start slamming doors because of it. 

 

Fuck this shit so fucking desperate to change fuck OCD wont stop dufkjdvhl;k sfadsfj[plassa