Road To Success & The Obstacles

[Striving for more]

Did 2 hours straight of complex meta learning today. 

That's the easy part, reading shit that makes u FEEL like a genius, BUT Learning = Multi - Step Process & real learning is about personal transformation, not absorbing information once. 

But how do I actually remember it, internalize it, get it to change my behavior & utimately become the knowledge as well as ruthless apply it?

And how do I avoid the self deception mechanism of over conceptualization & addiction to knowledge, over thinking VS Action 90-95% action & direct experience, this is how life should be anyway. 

I dunno, these questions somewhat represent an art form, like a golf swing or balancing on ice skates,  I probably just gradually get better (or I don't if I don't have awareness & intention then I'll just stay mediocre, awareness is everything ultimately, I do believe awareness heals all wounds, but it takes time to get the compound interest from it(. 

Reading about meta - learning, but the mind just wants irony & not doing anything meta with that information & just go read something else, like a leaky bath tub & it can't fill up, can't catch the water cos it keeps leaking out & u keep the water going but nothing sticks. 

Made that mistake many times before, fuck that. Ruthless Application & cognitive & psychological humility forever, my mind always wants to take the lazy addictive path. 

Read book> Assimilate > Double check I assimilated > connect dots > Reflective questions > Rapid Implementation plan > Implement > record results > Feedback > Iteration.

Scientific method is pretty powerful applied to self help > observation, technique experiment feedback iteration, & observe variables). 

I Read couple hours & then did some responsibilities for an hour or 2, then I got back into a fucking rut, had a little chocolate, was DURPING around, obsessing over food & distraction, listened to some owen cook, then a Leo clip about asking questions, had to remind myself 

Then I googled about being in a rut, & boom I was sorta outa the rut > Make goals & focus on them > This primes delayed gratification & there's a silent power to Anticipation, Anticipation is energizing 

Reminder of techniques to implement /Increase consistency :

1. G cal schedulling on micro & macro 
2. Goal Setting Across every domain (micro & macro) - (small + big picture)
3. Plans 
4. Pre mortem 
5. Pre schedulling / Time blocking basically every day for the entire week 
6. Sunday life architect day (TOMORROW WILL I DO IT)
7. Goals > Vision Board > Visualization (I realized more powerful than just visualization alone, intensifies & specifies the focus of the visualization session)

Edited March 14, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I've made decision to remarry No Fap. 

I've done 6 month streaks, multiple month streaks, I know the feeling & I like it. 

Recently I've been dabbling in & out & this week it's just being awful, daily & even 2 times a day once. 

I'm not saying I'll never fap again, but it will be random & uncommon. 

From now on, I'll will just not fap. If the urge becomes REALLY strong, What i'll do is satisfy the pleasure urge in another way, like go to a resteruants or eat a little cake, heard this tip recently. 

Not for minor urges, but say after a week or 2, I'll just satisfy myself with a cheat meal, because for me a beer now & then or a little cake here & there, u brush that off with a walk, sleep gym ect.. 

But Masturbating even just once for me, it certainly takes a lot out of you & it's not like u just recover after a day, a lot longer especially psychologically. Ruins cognitive capacities. 

I'm open minded, I do think it's ok to perhaps masturbate sometimes if the urge is just too much, but my experience is telling me it's a fucking important habit, every time my overall drive & discipline starts to go, it's always after fapping regularly, every time. 

And I mean who the fuck doesn't just love the feeling of being out or in the gym & u see that girl, you just know that if something happened your ready to fuck, bools full & your ready to just oomph, gotta have that oomph.

Right now If I got laid it would be insulting to the girl, I doubt I'd even be able to get it up. 

I feel weak & tired like a prey ... limp shrivelled dick lolz. 

I noticed usually fappers aren't successful or happy, they're broke, they're bitter. There are rare exceptions.  

No fap is coming back, it's not everything, but a it's major catalyst 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Feeling a constant battle within myself. I have an internet addiction. They say the 1st step to change is admitting it. 

Even when I'm getting productive, this satanic devil creeps back in. Even after a week of hard focused work, it comes back & keeps me up at night, I get in to a trance state. 

I know I can't handle it, I can't handle youtube or even google, even this forum.

A long battle that has gone on for too long now, I never solved it at the root I guess. 

I am setting harder boundaries with myself, right now my brain is not able to handle youtube this forum or even most google use. 

I need the internet though so it's not so simple, but I am detoxing as much as I can until I feel I can handle it, even though I get value from this forum & I appreciate it a lot, it can just become a tool of self - decay so easily, the line is so thin ... although YouTube is the worst for me, YouTube is the devil (especially since you can learn so much with YouTube, but u can also "learn" so much, before u know it ur like a junky at the casino machine, & honestly lets be humble here, what's the fucking difference? There's no difference & I feel ashamed & weak to admit it).

Internet addiction scares me the most. Imagine if you took heroin but except ur brain feels the heroin is good for you sometimes, u trick urself into seing this as "minor", "harmless" or even "I'm learning" ,this is the internet, just a lot more insidious than heroin.

Besides, both blowing ur potential & missing out on the experience & beauty of real life are a form of death, there isn't really so much difference between internet addiction & heroin. 

I chose to live a life of Presence, to make internet an enhancement to real life, but be detached to it. I chose to rebel from mainstream culture. 

I chose to be the guy who, when at the resteruants with the girl, I'm 100% there, 100% of the time, the meal out is a form of meditation, I don't check the phone once & neither does she, because she's entranced & infected by my presence & attention, & becomes that herself. 

I chose a different life, the present life, the real life. I chose no more of the sad life. 

This starts with awareness & admittance, but add some quick dopamine detox & Stricter boundaries  and meditation +  clarity on worthwhile goals & a sense of urgency 

These are temporary emergency solutions & they are necessary, but I doubt it solves the root issue

The problem will come back to bite me ..  of running away from reality, getting lost in my endless curiosity, retreating into another world. 

But with this awareness, with this awareness I set the intention to solve the root issue for good, I don't know how, but I side with the humility to admit that it is a persistent problem that will require something else, maybe coaching, maybe a mushroom trip, maybe many things. 

Quote

Sunday life architect day (TOMORROW WILL I DO IT)

I did not do this. The problem began when I watched that very 1st youtube video, "Just one video, just one video.

Sunday is my precious life architect day, Sunday is my peace.

Fight for my Sundays & the lord will bless my life with victory. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Found this video very clarifying, I already knew deep down this is what I need, but good to hear it articulated this way. 

What clicked with me the most with this video : 

• I should take a week off all internet use Blocking all internet use that is not work, goal related or personal journalling. 
• THIS. Spend more time doing chores ect... without listening to any audio, without any audiobook, YouTube video, music, self - help > Because I need to get back in touch with my own natural intuitions, emotions, ideas as well just learn to enjoy the present moment, without external stimulation. It's crazy actually, the main problem with education & self help & the internet for me is getting so entangled constantly looking to others to absorb more & more information, to be told how to think & this is so addictive. 
• Having a separate user account on my digital devices for work & the things I want, gotta be real if the distraction is an option, I'll normally take it 
• Pre schedulling internet usage e.g this forum or youtube, which I'll start doing after my 1 week break.
• But the most important person to listen to & focus on is myself. 

This is the last youtube video I will watch this entire week, that is 1 metric of my detox goal, I already know what I need to do.

Edited March 14, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Yesterday Evening : 

I just got entangled in endless mid life crisis esque thought loops of regret & rumination & delusional hubris for several hours, I have somehow broken out of it. My forehead is still scrunched. 

3-5 Hours today : 

• Got lost in negativity & apathy & "being low energy", "I have brain fog, I can't change, I have energy depletion". 
• Ate a huge amount of sugar with the inention of using that as fuel to work
• Did it work? yes... ]
• Is it sustainable or holistic > No? 
• Worth the side effects? > No because I care about looking my best & not needless fat, age skin 

intense energy 2-2.5 hours, but already crashed after 3 hours. Therefore inferior strategy. 

I know this anyway this is childish baby shit, no regrets though momentum has kicked in. 

Never underestimate older videos, or "simple" concepts. This was exactly what I needed to listen to. I can't let this video go, it's very simple to grasp, but must seep into subconscious, I must become law of attraction, become the knowledge. 

Posting the summary of this on my wall & reading it every day until it sticks. Applying it everyday & reminding myself every time I forget & do the inverse, but must not forget to remind myself because the mind becomes so enmeshed in it's shit so u forget to remind yourself that's its edge so my edge premortem constant default g cal reminders there in place to counter this but also building the counter habit in the moment  reactive awareness too (if even possible), literally lost so much time & oppurtunities in my life merely to inversing this principle, everything was in reverse, my mind was in reverse. 

Thoughts + Visions > Emotions > Actions > Results > Emotions & Thoughts > Actions > Results .... Results. 

Why ... Why did I not take this seriously enough right from the start? If I just nailed this 1 thing at 15? Lol crazy bro. 

Yes I have "broken my no forum time rule or youtube rule", but I am not listening to any other youtube from here, high vib, not even another video of leos. I drill this 1 in, I drill it day after day from here after. 

 

Edited March 16, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Failing at life again, too disorganized. Not lazy, just not strategic nor organized enough. Keep underestimating how much time something requires, not even talking career stuff. Making it to a social event ect.. 

I keep living my life day to day & week by week. URh, fuck my biggest regret is not building the habit of planning my year in advance, if I'd started that habit at 16?

My brain isn't designed to think like that, I need humility & honesty to remember life takes a lot of planning, not merely intuition or willpower. 

Every year of my life in the last 6 years has oscillated between hollow & disappointing & traumatizing, but mostly just hollow & disappointing. Some of this was down to depression, but even more so a lack of planning. 

Plan to the end. Plan to the end. 

The problem is though, I don't even have time to plan to the end! Because I don't want to give up on my short to mid term goals & acitivities this year, but Ideally i'd have planned for them a year ago ... & It's like I have to improvise on the spot, but that's fucking horrible, then I try do so much at once, that ultimatley I end up doing nothing. 

Really I should just double down on income, energy & health until that's somewhat fixed at least to the point of stability, then move on to the next ... But I'm so arrogant, I think I'm a god. What if I'm not? What I'm just a loser, a clown. NO FUCK OFF NOO I AINT MAN NOO URH SO COMPETITIVE, IT'S LIKE I'M COMPETING WITH GOD HIMSELF, THE OWN VOICES IN MY HEAD, RHHRL ARHEEHRHR. ERRHHH EWW. 

I need to slow down & focus on Essentialism & Minimalism. 

I just realistically will not be able to simultaenously work & be doing regular pickup until 2-4am & plan for important events, I can barely even do 2 of those things. 

For me I don't like late night pick up, (well sometimes it's cool "everything in moderation including moderation", but only if the context is perfect & it's maybe summer) I prefer day game & even then I can't do long hourly sessions 

UKHSDAKUJFHGKUASDF I DONT EVEN HAVE TIME TO JOURNAL MY THOUGHTS RN WTF AM I DOING LIFE SLOW DOWN GO BACK 5 YEARS FUCK YOU.

AND I'M GONNA DELETE THIS JOURNAL PROBABLY COZ I'M SO PERFECTIONIST, EVEN MY THOUGHTS MUST BE PERFECTED. 

Is this journal just another repitition of my thoughts? They say we have the same thoughts like X hundred times per day over & over, running the program. 

If so better delete this shit. Going to meditate now, going round in circles

I drank yesterday, I did not plan to, I did not have fun & I wasted so much time like a headless chicken, I understimated environmental cues & willpower depletion & social matrix & I drank, today I feel shit, I also fucked up sleep this week why am I journalling still? STFU STUFU. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Ah I had to start writing again, I should stop & release all this friction, I forgot how im so sensitive to chemicals, alcohol, certain foods. 

I thought it was innocent eating fried sugary food & drinking , no I can almost feel myself entering a deep depression already. 

I become too self - reflective & it hurts, too much guilt & shame.. Just wrote out a journal but deleted it, too personal, keep & bury it to myself, , we all fucking experience pain regret shame trauma Im just normal person, save it for those who got real problems, man the fuck up & get on with my life. 

I gotta chase extreme success, in all areas, runaway from myself, no more thoughts, regrets. 

Everything goes into the work, the artform, not 1 thing but the work of life, whtether it's learning piano, pickup, personal skills, persuasion, leadership, it all goes to the work.

I was born to be a workaholic, but difference between me & Warren buffet is my workaholism is more inclusive creative & holistics, his is very narrowed down, I see my entire life as an artform, I get too bored of just 1 thing, I'd love to learn piano but I couldn't play it 8 hours a day, more like 1 hour. 

I always had this innate drive, passion, since I was 14, whether it was sports or playing piano for the first time, trying to attract a cute girl, it was inutively always art for me, life is art, life is mastery. I reconnect with this. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Everytime I wrote out a journal post on weekends I always go back & rewrite it, I remove unecessary filler words adverbs ect... 

I do this to train myself to be as concise & to the point as possible, I hate over explaining, needless repittions  or just innacurate descriptions. 

I'm not tryna be a writer, but why the fuck wouldn't you have good communication ability, this is thinking, persuasion, this is influence, this power, verbal acuity.

I will get better over time, slowly, it is not my core priority, but I think even with mindfulness doing this 20 minutes a week I'd be shocked at my results in 3 - 6 months, It's amazing no one does this, go and watch any youtube video, with the Exception of someone like Leo, most youtubers articulation sucks, even if they provide valuable points, they're basically stealing minutes away and also diluting the value into a sea of incoherence & over - description (or under). 

+ Conisder all the needless umms & urhhs & other shit, bad posture, weak voice, low conviction. 

Fucking mediocre, not me. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Life Insights, Pick up, Self - Sabotage & Doing less not more : 

life isn't about hard work, doing more, saying more. 

Good life is doing less, saying less & staying out of your own way.

Social skills = removing trauma energy & bad conditioning that you were never meant to have but almost everyone has because we live in a social matrix. 

Pickup boils down to : Instantly approaching girl touch her eye contact, not half heartedly but with full conviction & intention, not speaking a lot saying some convoluted joke to impress her, & in doing so much, you just turn her off at worse, & at best dilute the sexual tension into confusion. 

Pickup is deceptively simple, but so difficult  to embody for most of us, unless your lucky; type of guy who's brain acts in alignment with his feelings. This my insight yesterday, it hooked in seconds, she was available, I touched her, she liked that but I didn't hold the tension, didn't let it land, forgot even proper eye contact!, I immediately retracted & verbalized some convoluted joke to "flirt somehow", but all I needed was a firmer touch, strong sexual eye contact,  hello & 1 simple line, then hold in that tension & own it & let an interaction just unfold. But I did too much. Gotta just focus on main, core theme & own that (energetic) theme, "I am a sexual man & you are hot, I am touching you without shame & looking at your eyes & I want you & I am entitled to you, hello, take it or leave it", nothing to prove, don't need a convoluted joke, ta dah. 

I always say too much, do it half heartedly or eject too early. Remove these self sabotaging habits that prevent me from just going after my desires. 

Questioning Effectiveness LOA & Visualization :

• I did 10 minute LAO Visualization session before I went out visualizing being a player & getting the girls, but then when I went out the same self - sabotaging mechanisms kicked in & prevented me from success, I still ultimately feel unconfident & getting an attractive woman feels either impossible or just not worth the effort 
• So I question effectiveness of visualization to truly modify subconscious & deep habits.  
• But I haven't tried enough time  & must stay open minded, probs brain takes long to rewire, problem is my socializing & approaching isn't consistent enough because I need more money logistics time
• Logistics is KING 

The priority isn't finding esoteric opportunities or magic hacks, it's noticing what's hiding in plain sight & allowing yourself to notice & capitalize in the moment & hone your selective focus on that & blurr out all the b.s 

Toxicity Rant : 

Urh ... can't keep writing, I can't use my brain right now, I exposed to too much pollutants yesterday, should have been wiser, I probably a ton of additional plastics & metals & pollutants in my body now. I hope can detox this exposure, don't want to end up like that Brian guy, I'm already half way there. Fucking irritaing, I know I had great insights to share withmyhself &* the world but my brain isn't functioning right now, I'm not sure if II'll recover, how did I not consider how toxic that exposure would be, this might be the end of me, I'll see how I feel in several days, I have lost all my energy & capacity to think right now. 

... Tbh I did just eat rice > DUMB IDEA, so that probably contributed to my brain deadness. Nothing kills my brain more than grains, I'd chose sugar over grains every time. Still I don't feel good about this exposure either way.

Edited March 20, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

life isn't about "hard work" but timing, proactiveness, getting out your own way & boldness. 

• Guy A (Most guys) > Goes to club with his loser friends, they stand around dancing for a while, occasionally glancing over at some girl they might wanna talk to, then glancing away, pretending to have fun with their friends, Guy A considers approaching woman, but hesitates & then that knocks his confidence subtly by 10%, he then dancings another 20 minutes, gradually feeling more awkward. 
• Then Guy A. (because he has an unhealthy resistance to tension & wants a coping mechanism) Decides to go to the bar, he goes there sees a girl & hesistates again, then pretends to care about buying a drink, orders the drink but the drink is quite expensive, guy A knows he should save money, but his resistance to tension is stronger than his personal boundaries
• Guy A. spends too much on a drink & loses 10% more confidence, walks back to his loser friends & dances, this same pattern goes on an on until eventually it's 3AM now & he hasn't approached, he finally takes up the courage to approach but then gets blown out because the hesitation knocked his confidence & the timing is off, "you had 3 hours to approach me & now you do it?  
• Guy A. interprets this event negatively & then buys another 2 or 3 drinks, spending a couple hours wages & gets drunk now Guy A. full of energy & stays at club until 5AM, Drunk, 2 hours wage on a taxi & an hour to get home, wakes up hungover, dehydrated & poor.
• Now guy A. is behind on his bills, guy A. now has to work extra hard now, with all this energy depletion too, even more willpower required. 

Guy B. goes into club, sees what he wants, instant blown out but interprets it as just a warm up, builds momentum quickly, sober. Guy B. entered the club free & early because he didn't hesitate like guy A, his timing good because the women approachable still & with his fast initiative he appears super confident. After 40 minutes of approaching guy B. finally hooks & starts dancing with the right girl, they dance & make out, guy B builds rapport & then suggests his home. Excellent logistics so it's effortless persuasion ("just a quick drink we'll find your friends later"), they walk 5 minutes to his home & have sex. Guy B. by 2AM already had great sex & is ready to sleep now. Guy b. wakes up fucks her again for an hour, asks her to leave because he has boundaries & an abundance mindset, this attractive & she wants reconnect. Because of the multiple orgasms' she is hooked like a junky, Guy B. now owns this girl & the power is in his hands. 

His brain flooded with dopamine & confidence & an impetus for creative work now, it's 11AM & Guy B knocks out 4 hours of deliberate practice & is in flow . He even finds some time to reflect on how his game could've been even better & smoother,  

4PM Guy B already had awesome sex & done creative work. He's free now to do whatever he wants, maybe he'll take a stroll on the beach & effortlessly game another , with all this momentum, Guy B discovers she plays piano so they join his crib & improv juntos his grand piano, lower & higher octaves in perfect synchrony, 2 equal talents in perfect musical harmony, foreshadowing the sex. Fireworks outside because it's a celebration every day in victory city. Normal reality doesn't exist because Guy B  transcended to higher levels, to paradigms of a god. Guy B doesn't experience bad trips anymore, every mushroom trip elates & elevates his mind to function higher in normal reality, but his life is so epic that it is unfathomable for the ordinary Joe, stuck in lower paradigms.  

Guy A. meanwhile is busting his ass to make up for all the money he wasted at his endless crappy job, his life ihard & the more hard he works, the more is taken from him. 

To guy B. everything will be given, to guy A. everything will be taken. Unless guy A. finds a MENTOR ...

But guy Bs are rare & elusive, Guy A. may catch him incidentally if one applies the principles of Law of Attraction 

 

Edited March 20, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I fucking hate my name "striving for more", this gives the impression that I'm a serious guy like that but that doesn't do justice my sense of humour. 

I wanted to change my name but when leo messaged me I froze up, I couldn't let it land that a guru would contact me at that point, now I'm stuck with this name I suppose. It sucks.

I'm immature focusing on my name like this/

[Striving for more]

I've tried to do too much & ask too much of myself this week & generally this year so far & this caused sleep disruptions, complete lack of daily structure & decision fatigue. 

The worst mistake I've made though : Doubling down on my mistakes. 

I was tired & forgot to apply law of attraction, I focused on the fact I was tired & how hard it was to do work, (still an excuse ), so I desperately wanted a solution but was looking from a neurotic, uncentered place ... somehow rationalized to myself gauging on sugar. 

The sugar binge "worked" : productive for 30-60 minutes (had insight that maybe I could've just done the work all along, it was merely the placebo idea of it working that got me in motion), then I crashed & slept terribly, I also fapped 3 times in that day. 

What I recall now is that ... As I was walking to shop in the rain after buying the sugar, I had this thought "Why don't I just go run in the rain instead & listen to music, that might energize me, that's quite beautiful"

But I was too committed to the sugar. 

"Do what's hard & you make life easy, do what's easy & u make life hard". 

I woke up feeling as though I had smoked 5 big joints before bed. You see I was thinking too immaturely, there's a compounding negative effect to these actions, it's not merely "Oh a sugar crash for an hour oh no", it leads to an entire chain of negative karma. 

The root problem is the habit of doubling down on my mistakes, the sleep loss was not in my control, but in those days it's best to do what you can, prioritize & aim for 50% productivity but prioritize recovery & not compensate sugar & coffee. 

Lately I have noticed way more un resourceful ruminating thoughts, the things I could've done 3 years ago, the opportunities I wasted, why didn't I started socializing & pickup years ago? Ah, pain in the stomach. 

I can't afford to allow these thought patterns to even occur, meditation & law of attraction is my solution, but also productivity & building an epic life is equally valid, I need both. when my life is great, busy successful & social I won't be regretting what I didn't do, I'll be too busy enjoying myself & winning. 

I just can't, can't live with low self esteem anymore, therefore I will prioritize both these solutions religiously : Meditate & Visualize, ruthless positive action + Strong  boundaries against negative Actions & Thoughts

It's time to rebuild, again ... 

Edited March 22, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I had some very creative thoughts earlier & wanted to share them on here, then I realized I can't, those thoughts are too unique & valuable, ant no one copying me, content creation & insight sharing is big business these days. No one would be able to compete with me ... If I just fucking started, it's been 3 or 4 years since I told myself I would start creating content. 

[Striving for more]

My plan going forward : 

Next 8 weeks will be spent doubling down on finances, going to try and earn 20K, Averaging 5 - 10K / Month. 

I will be waking up early, interacting with no one & no cheat meals in the week 

No sugar, no fapping, no internet surfing. 

gradually from 8 to 12 weeks I will start shifting my focus to pick up. 

I want to get some really hot girls this summer, I wanted it so bad last summer, I just didn't have enough theory or encouragement, I was doing it hopelessly like a headless chicken, going to the wrong places, hanging out with the wrong people. 

I am wiser now, I can propel my will on to the world now. 

Masculinity goes after what he wants, without shame. 

I want money & pretty women in my life... Is that so much to ask for?

Edited March 23, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Man I just keep coming back to listening to Owen's program   this shit was so good even passive listening on repeat has changed my mind, upgraded my brain, not merely in compiling facts or tips, but just my mindset & how I think, even better ... How I feel about life has changed. 

I still got more notes & exercises to do. 

started 1 ongoing exercize : Auditing my life, I'll gradually habituate this habit until it's part of me. Gotta audit everything. Gotta see the negative & oppurtunity cost in even good things & either optimize, eliminate or replace it. 

E.g Gym? Yeah but how much time does it take from you? how much time walking there & back ect... ? Maybe get a bench press in my room? Boom, can do other tasks in between sets too, nothing wasted, instantly upon waking > shower, money saved & u can sell it back online. 

Basic example but .. I build the habit, developing a proactively evaluative & prioritizing mind, an optimizing mind. 

There's something about Owen, like he figured out how to connect the left & right hemisphere, & really doubled down on the right one. That's his main USP. Not all his thoughts unique & esoteric, but even with mainstream ideas his conveyance is potent. 

I need my ego, ego is powerful, it's a hidden force, hidden secret, it's raw fuel that gets the motor going. I love my ego, I don't ever wanna lose it, I need it, not always. But sometimes it's what u gotta pull out, it can really fuel you into motion.  

Integrating all aspects of myself, including the dark, vengeful, competitive, desire to prove others , all of these can be harnessed just like higher purpose can

Urrrh I'm feeling soo fucking inspired every day now, so much fire inside of me, I'm not happy, I'm terrified ... terrified of the potential I wasted, I just hope life gives me another chance before it's too late.

 

Edited March 25, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

General Brain Recycling : 

• Shadow side article - Interesting > too much to process right now > Bookmark >  defo consider later
• I have noticed within myself the shadow side coming out specifically in social interactions, my buried aspects still there, alive & waiting to be activated, I've realized (like sometimes months later) > that sometimes my shadow would just get triggered & this would be off putting to people, aspects of me I need to let go, at least maintain awareness of when they arrive  
• ... I hope awareness alone is curative with this stuff, I don't have time for shadow work, blow my head off cos I can deal with so much. 
• I must improve at writing, so my journals are 80/20 thoughts & easy to navigate & go back on. I want a more structured mind, I am naturally creative, but I believe a structured organized mind & life enhances creativity, I think it's a weakness I should take responsibility for, not a strength I'm denying, there's no benefit to unstructured thoughts & life.
• All I want for a while is just deliberate fucking practice, deliberately practicing sex, pickup, networking, music, foreign language, communication skills, marketing persuasion, investing trading. Just lvl the fuck up, XP to the fucking moon ... Eventually I'll chill out & smell the roses, but I just want that XP, that's why it makes me SICK how I took the social matrix for granted for so long, for so long I wanted to explore all these things, books, sports, piano, foreign language, pick up, but Ah the social matrix, temptation here, bad influence there, discouragement there, fucking sucks man that 14 year old kid really had the fire & the fucking flame was doused ... I just can't let it go, I just can't, I have to accept that reality is brutal, I have to remember how much worse the social matrix can be, I have to imagine being a Iranian woman & of course I don't take it for granted now, I just can never catch up, that's the darkest thing, the growth I could've got if I was just encouraged to go with my fire, how powerful i'd already be, it just angers me. 

The Social Matrix is a powerful force, gravity is a bad analogy, gravity only pushes you downwards, this force is omnipotent, omnidirectional, omnipresent. The only solution is STRONG boundaries & environmental barriers to others.  

I should develop mindful eating.  

Mindless eating of today : 

1. I fried 10 eggs (intended for 2-3 days use) >> I start eating them, as I'm eating them instantly enmeshed in random thought loops & within seconds forget that I'm even eating ... many seconds later, I look at the almost empty bowl of eggs & I'm like "WHAT DA FUCK DAWG!?" WHAT? It's like I didn't even remember eating the eggs
2. I intended to eat 1 slice of pizza > BOOM HAPPENS AGAIN, I forget i'm even eating & then, it's almost gone, this time wasn't as extreme as the eggs though, I did have some awareness & memories of the process, I noticed how my brain kept rationalizing the next step (slice 1 done > "just a 2nd slice, it won't make a difference" > "ok now just half a slice" > boom boom & then I'm enmeshed & just eat the entire pizza

• It's frustrating because I had no intention nor desire to eat anything like that, especially in the late evening ... but then my mum came & said "Hey I'm getting pizzas do you want one?" 
• From here was my brain's initial  BSrationalization : "Just say yes because u can leave it in the fridge & eat it another day as a "cheat meal" on a sunday (This rationalization appeared & was accepted instantly)

Social Matrix Part 2 : 

• Mum knocks on door "Your pizzas going cold!" (As I'm trying to focus & upgrade my brain, my reading timeblock intercepted & then boom I'm suddenly in the kitchen eating the pizza)
• Yes .. Logically I could've just said "I'll eat it tomorrow!" > But I didn't & I never do, jus something triggered a pattenr in my brain 
• I don't understand it's like every time this situation occurs, something just happens to my brain, & I just don't say no, I've been through this situation many times before, whether it's Christmas dinner or some other shit & my mum just says "Here look" & my brain just switches off, I almost feel powerless like this. 
• I need a stronger boundary because I will be staying with my mum at the moment, It's tough, I've told her to never offer me food about 2 or 3 times in the past but she just forgot my requests, I can't hate her for it because she just simply ... doesn't understand & I rather let her just be her at htis point than even try & explain, this is the social matrix. 
• Anyway stronger boundaries it is, I'll do whatever it takes, I'm going to write a note on my inside door "ALWAYS SAY NO TO JUNK FOOD, MAKE AN EXCUSE DON'T LISTEN TO UR BRAIN, NO!. 

 

• I coudln't care less about being fat, I just need mental sharpness & energy, it's so important for me right now, I don't want to work 24/7 all summer with all these gaps & frustrations no time for pickup & I need money fulfilment a cool lifestyle a nice car a house ...  pizza won't accelerate that. 

25/03/2022 : 21:41 

• I don't regret journalling here but i just noticed how Im taking it too seriously again, re reading it & then getting lost in the internal stories of my own petty frustrations, "Just let it go bro let it go" "The present moment is all there is" blahbblah, Awareness, screen time needs it's limits, every tool can become a distraction. 

Edited March 25, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

26/03/2022 : 12PM 

I'm considering never eating gluten again, EVER... I've finally realized that gluten FUCKS up my brain. 

How I feel after eating Gluten (For at least a day after, maybe several) : 

• Anger
• Impulsiveness
• Worse vision 
• Poor concentration 
• Judgemental of others 
• Stuck in thought loops

Gluten for me is anti - spiritual, I feel dark energy inside me, like a negative Karama wave came through me, I feel unlucky, this may be woo-woo but It's a physiological feeling I couldn't fabricate.

Before I ate the pizza I felt the opposite; physically empty (in a good way, like after an Intermittent Fast), fulfilled, focused & was deriving pleasure form effort, mind was positive & seeing relevant solutions, both mundane & creative, to get to my goals faster. 

I would actually compare this pizza with the feeling I'd get after smoking some low quality unregulated weed, a dark, dizzy & toxic feeling. 

I have shit to do, I don't even have time to journal like this right now, BUT ... I want to learn the lesson, I want to never feel this way again. 

*Probably the other ingredients are guilty too, e.g : cheap fish or the bad cheese (assuming they'd use the cheapest ingredients).

I'll probably eat an ice cream or chocolate sundae sometimes , a little can be worth the enjoyment, but gluten ... No way, I never want these mood consequences again. 

 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

On 12/03/2022 at 9:41 PM, Striving for more said:

Make goals & focus on them > This primes delayed gratification & there's a silent power to Anticipation, Anticipation is energizing 

Focus on the goals, focus on what I want ... focus. 

[Striving for more]

Perspectives ... Perspectives. 

I'm acknowledging now the depth of the void in my world view. 

I think I've listened to too many self help & pick up guys now, nothing negative about them, just somethings lacking. 

let's drink the self help juice from other places ; the successful criminal, warrior, psychologist, or just any type of person u completely overlooked. 

Psychologist ... It's been so long that I actually just ... listened to an actual psychologist.  

I think a good psychologist has something unique to offer, even a certain charm. 

And I think warriors & gangsters, they are good for brute force, they're attitude is as extreme as it gets for when u know you're just being weak little b**** & you need to step up & cut out the sleep & grind & fight your way to a better position in life ... Just a perspective, but it has it's place. Sometimes self help isn't enough, sometimes I feel like I need to listen to the most extreme & sociopathic people out there to see through my own bullshit ... I'm sure the "softer side" of personal development also has it's place, maybe, but I haven't had much success with it, the self acceptance video exercize didn't resonate with me, although the letting go stuff does & I suppose they're 2 sides same coin. 

I fapped 2 times today & there was a fork in the road between continuing to focus & getting distracted & I got distracted. 

• what happened is I chose to listen to Leo instead of focus on my own life, it's my Problem of 1. Conceptual Shiny object syndrome 2. Impatience >> I went for a walk & was relistening to some of Tyler's program & he was talking about paradigms & how some advice or obvious truths u need some reason u just can't let it land, it doesn't click until months or years later when in hindsight it becomes so fucking obvious, then I was like shitt I see what he means, the solution was childishly simple & basic & I didn't realize or acknolwedge, the guy who offered help but I just filtered it out, the advice I couldn't allow myself to resonate with that I needed ... this is a problem & hindsights a bitch, then saying how some things u just won't be ready to realize until u beared enough pain (although apparently some release work can accelerate the process), but I didn't wanna accept this, I thought surely u can train urself to realize the obvious quicker, surely? So then I started realizing simultaneously within myself how for so long there were all these simple, obvious fucking solutions hiding in plain sight, that I sort of knew but didn't acknowledge & lost years .. years & years of my life due to my lack of firm acknowledgment & then simultanouesly holding anxiety & frustration over my slow ability to akcnolwedge & adopt but + this impulsive urge clawing at me to investigate these concepts, & I noticed owen use the word paradigm within this talk too > So then I decided to watch leos paradigms video > BUT I Chose to do this as I was getting in to work flow & doing my important tasks, shit, but my brain said "hey this video might be groundbreaking dude" Well I couldn't wait & the video was boring & dissapointing, too much about science & philosphy & impractical & actually had little to do with my question, I need to get better at specifying my questions & what I'm tryna work out, (I'll do a google search of my question because there's somehting niche about it & enver heard it mentioned recently or maybe theres a related cognitive bias)maybe to some but didn't resonate, then after that I spiralled into bad habits, too much youtube, I fapped twice in a row & ate protien foods quite late (my new eating plan = daytime = protien & fats, early evening = carbs & leave several hours)

 

• So it sucks because I lost my Commitment esque Weekly planning / Life - architect sunday. I had a decent start but lost the momentum. 
• I've been trying so hard to wake up early recently but still my body woke up at 10AM Today, I don't know if I'm just a massive night owl genetics or something, I desire to wake up very early for the next 2 or 3 months, I like being a night owl but with my current environment it works to be up early, or I get no sunlight. 
• Im probably writing too much 

ESSENCE : Warrior Discipline, grindset & brute force perspective, No B.s No distractions. 

No more Leo >> I have 2 exercize sheets to implement (This is what he'd want from me anyway, "95% of the results come from the exercizes" Otherwise listening to leo = Netflix.)

So no youtube books or leo during work & strategy hours >> Premortem & questions exercises, life architect sunday & Brute force fucking work. 

It's warrior time, no emotions, warrior grindset time. 2-3 Months, then soft flowery me can sparkle into a rainbow, a rainbow of pretty women & flowers

** Maybe all this writing & thinking even is "feminine energy". I get it, I will not post much the next 3 months. 

Sociopathic Warrior Masculine energy  > Life archiector > lay out the goals > visualize > go after ruthleslly until mission complete. I HAVE A DUTY NOW. IMAGINE I END UP BEING A FRAUD, ALL THESE JOURNALS COMMENTS FOR WHAT? FOR NOTHING? TO PISS MY 20'S AWAY? 

No. Young, rich & powerful > I decide the combination, Not old & powerful. I decide, to go after it, without apology NOW. 

* Now side note about why I bang on about communication, my ability to think & practically journal is mostly bound my communication ability, which is extremely patheitcally weak, I could've probably written that journal with 3X less words & yet still said more & explained what I meant better, it aint easy I guess I didn't value this growing up no one showed me how so just like I had to catch up with technology so, slow start 

Edited March 28, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

On 12/03/2022 at 9:41 PM, Striving for more said:

Make goals & focus on them > This primes delayed gratification & there's a silent power to Anticipation, Anticipation is energizing 

Reminder of techniques to implement /Increase consistency :

1. G cal schedulling on micro & macro 
2. Goal Setting Across every domain (micro & macro) - (small + big picture)
3. Plans 
4. Pre mortem 
5. Pre schedulling / Time blocking basically every day for the entire week 
6. Sunday life architect day (TOMORROW WILL I DO IT)
7. Goals > Vision Board > Visualization (I realized more powerful than just visualization alone, intensifies & specifies the focus of the visualization session)

Sociopathic Ruthless Money Making , Selfish, Fucking Robot. 3 Months, 100 hour weeks. 

Last post. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vg_4tpX3EQ

(Add some lyrics to music like this ... less isn't more; multiplier effect, add high pitched female voice, acoustic guitar, the kinda trance like music I wanna hear when I'm at my eyes wide shut esque fuck fests, those rich people tuxedo orgasms that I'm attending every month, ... dark esoteric high echelon fuck fests.)

Edited March 29, 2022 by Striving for more