My Journal

[LostStudent]

I've read a few journals by others here and I can see some value in having one. I'm not in a very good place mentally right and I've been feeling really depressed these past few months. I think having a place where I can record and reflect on my thoughts and feelings can do me some good. Maybe someday I'll look back at this journal and laugh because I'll be in a much better place. I'm not too sure how often I'll post on here but I'm aiming for a few times a week. If you're reading this please feel free to comment and add your perspective to my thoughts!

I woke up at around 7 AM today and the first thing I did was facetime with my sister who's living out of the country at the moment so I started the day feeling quite lonely. After that I did some cardio on my treadmill for around 45 minutes and followed that up with some breakfast, that made me feel a little better but that feeling didn't really last too long. I didn't have much planned today besides grocery shopping and some household chores so it was a pretty uneventful day. I finished grocery shopping and my chores before noon so I spent the rest of my afternoon browsing this website and reading. After I finished dinner my friend called me and we had a pretty lengthy chat about life and her plans for the future.  We've been friends for a long time but I really wonder what value she finds in our friendship. She seems like she has her life together and meanwhile mine is a trainwreck haha. I'm really envious of her but I'm glad to have her as a friend because it gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be happy. I've noticed lately that when it starts getting dark outside I start getting anxious and depressed, everything just feels heavy. Is this a common thing? I usually only drink a glass of wine or something like that when I'm at a restauarant but lately I've been drinking more when I'm alone, I find it helps calm my nerves. I like this feeling because it helps me relax and things slow down a bit. I just need to be more mindful of how much I drink because I think I've had enough to consider myself drunk tonight. It's taken me a rediculous amount of time to write this whole thing out and I'm pretty sure I don't normally type this slow haha. I realize that it's probably not the best idea to treat my mood with alcohol but for now it's kind of a band-aid fix. I will have to deal with all my issues at some point but I just don't know where to start and I feel like I don't have the energy. I recently discovered discovered this website and the youtube channel so I'm hoping the content on here will be insightful and provide me with different perspectives. My head is spinning a bit and I want to lie down so I think I'll end it here. Good night!

[Gesundheit]

Hey, and welcome! And good on you for starting your journaling journey. It is one of the best habits I've ever done personally; A great place for exploring the contents of the mind and bringing unconscious thoughts to the light, and for getting a better understanding of the relationship between thoughts and emotions.

I've read that you want this to be a space for exploring new ideas and perspectives. For that, I would suggest that you start a daily meditation practice of 20-30 minutes if you haven't already. This one practice can change your whole life. There are plenty of information about meditation everywhere. Yet, the practice is very simple and does not require a lot of research. You just sit down quietly and watch what happens. That's it. Whatever happens, you observe, notice, and not react. The purpose of the practice is to learn more about yourself, by yourself, through self-observation. The benefits of meditation are plenty, you can read about them anywhere.

The content of the forum and YouTube channel is deeply insightful, that's for sure. But some of it is also pretty radical (not for me tbh, but it feels so for most people, so I assume you will find it radical too), especially the newer videos. Actualized.org is not an ordinary self-help site, keep that in mind while browsing. Nothing to be worried about, of course, but it is something that should be taken into account.

Feel free to ask any questions. There are plenty of amazing people here who have plenty of information and experiences with self-help, self-actualization, enlightenment, etc...

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[LostStudent]

@Gesundheit
Sorry I just saw your post. I've been trying to meditate for the last 2 days, I had a hard time sitting still for 30 minutes but hopefully I get better at that. I appreciate the tips though.

On 1/8/2021 at 1:15 AM, Gesundheit said:

The content of the forum and YouTube channel is deeply insightful, that's for sure. But some of it is also pretty radical (not for me tbh, but it feels so for most people, so I assume you will find it radical too), especially the newer videos. Actualized.org is not an ordinary self-help site, keep that in mind while browsing. Nothing to be worried about, of course, but it is something that should be taken into account.

I'm not too sure what you mean by this but I've noticed that I don't understand a lot of what people talk about on here, sometimes it sounds like riddles to me haha.

[LostStudent]

Today was not my best day. I woke up at around 8 with a strong sense of loneliness so I struggled to get out of bed to start the day. I ended up staying in bed for another 4 hours alternating between crying and feeling sad. I got out of bed to shower and have a quick meal at around noon. I tried to meditate for 30 minutes and I had a hard time sitting still, I also noticed that a lot of my thoughts involved me being intimate with someone. I didn't try to supress my thoughts but I didn't feel I was able to fully focus on my breath. My mom called me several times during the afternoon, I didn't feel like I was in a good mental state to talk to her so I just texted her to tell her that I wasn't feeling well. Today wasn't a very productive day, I didn't do much aside from making dinner. I wrestled with the idea of installing tinder to get some kind of physical interaction but I decided against it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

[Gesundheit]

@LostStudent Hey! If you're struggling with meditation, try to develop a genuine curiosity for understanding your mind & self. Understanding yourself is so powerful. It empowers every movement you make down to the core of your being.

"Know thyself".

[LostStudent]

Pretty solid last few days. I changed my schedule around and started meditating after I wake up, it feels better meditating at the start of my day rather than in the middle. I'm still having trouble sitting still for 30 minutes but some days are easier than others. Not sure about the significance of this but something I've noticed is that my thoughts during meditation correlate to how I'm feeling in that moment, when I'm hungry I think of food, when I'm bored I think of my hobbies, when I'm lonely I think of my friends, when I'm horny I think of sex, etc. I haven't noticed any benefits post meditation but for now I'm glad that I have the 30 minutes to relax after I wake up. I ran into one of my old classmates while I was out for a run, we were pretty close when we shared that class but we didn't talk much outside of school, I remember finding him quite attractive and charming. We talked for a bit to catch up and he was just as charming as I remembered, I was delighted when he asked me for my number so we could hang out sometime. I feel good chemistry between us and I also see this as a win-win scenario, I'll be happy whether we remain friends or if something more meaningful developes between us. I think he's quite attractive and I hope he feels the same way about me because this could be a good opportunity for me to experience some intimacy. For now I'm just glad I have a great guy to talk to when I'm lonely.

[LostStudent]

@Gesundheit

On 1/11/2021 at 3:37 AM, Gesundheit said:

@LostStudent Hey! If you're struggling with meditation, try to develop a genuine curiosity for understanding your mind & self. Understanding yourself is so powerful. It empowers every movement you make down to the core of your being.

"Know thyself".

Thanks for the tip. I've been trying to do this more lately and I can see why it might help. Some days are better than others but I'm gradually getting used to sitting still for so long. 

Edited January 15, 2021 by LostStudent

[Gesundheit]

@LostStudent Hey there! I'm following your updates and I'm glad that everything is improving. I hope you'll get lucky with that guy 

The further you go with meditation, the better you'll get at it. Eventually, you will be able to carry a calm meditative state with you all the time. That's the ultimate goal, to have a layer of awareness that filters in and out all of your thoughts and emotions, and not only during the session.

I noticed that you may be struggling with the feeling of loneliness. Have you contemplated why that might be the case? During meditation, when that feeling comes up, how do you deal with it? I find it really helpful to question the feelings that arise spontaneously. Ideally, what you want to do is to reach a point of relative equanimity and clarity during meditation (little to almost no mind chatter), and then from there start contemplating. This trick will make contemplation much better and easier. You'll get very profound insights about yourself, especially if you ask high quality questions. For example, regarding loneliness, you can ask yourself;

• Why do I feel lonely sometimes?
• What is the value that I am seeking with trying not to be alone?
• Can being alone have value?
• What does the feeling of loneliness tell me? What is the deeper message it's trying to signal to me?
• Is this feeling good or bad or neutral?
• What are the exact thoughts that accompany the feelings? What is my subconscious mind trying to communicate to me? How can I be friends with my subconscious mind?
• Can I accept this feeling or even be happy with it?
• What do others have to say about this topic?
• Who is a good example of someone who is comfortable with being alone and at the same time has relationships? What can I learn from them?
• How can I use my time alone more wisely?

Your answers to these questions will be unique to you. The point is to know yourself better, on a moment-to-moment basis, by shedding the layers of false conditioning that you may have been programmed with. And from there, you will be able to meet your most authentic self and live according to your highest values and deepest desires, and in full harmony with your mind, body, and spirit.

Good luck.

Edited January 15, 2021 by Gesundheit

[LostStudent]

@Gesundheit

On 1/15/2021 at 4:43 AM, Gesundheit said:

I noticed that you may be struggling with the feeling of loneliness. Have you contemplated why that might be the case? During meditation, when that feeling comes up, how do you deal with it?

I've tried but I haven't reached any clear answer. It depends how intense the feeling is during meditation, if it's not that intense I can just bring my attention back to my breath, if it's more intense I may end up crying and cutting my meditation session short.

On 1/15/2021 at 4:43 AM, Gesundheit said:

Ideally, what you want to do is to reach a point of relative equanimity and clarity during meditation (little to almost no mind chatter), and then from there start contemplating. This trick will make contemplation much better and easier. You'll get very profound insights about yourself, especially if you ask high quality questions. For example, regarding loneliness, you can ask yourself;

• Why do I feel lonely sometimes?
• What is the value that I am seeking with trying not to be alone?
• Can being alone have value?
• What does the feeling of loneliness tell me? What is the deeper message it's trying to signal to me?
• Is this feeling good or bad or neutral?
• What are the exact thoughts that accompany the feelings? What is my subconscious mind trying to communicate to me? How can I be friends with my subconscious mind?
• Can I accept this feeling or even be happy with it?
• What do others have to say about this topic?
• Who is a good example of someone who is comfortable with being alone and at the same time has relationships? What can I learn from them?
• How can I use my time alone more wisely?

That sounds interesting, I haven't been able to reach those levels of clarity yet. I don't have good answers to most of these questions right now, loneliness feels bad to me and it feels like most of my actions are attempts to do what I think feels good. Things like cuddling my cat, talking to my friends, eating food, sex, and listening to music, make me feel good so I use them to try and tip my loneliness scale.

[LostStudent]

I've gotten a bit better at sitting still during meditation, my mind still wanders like crazy sometimes but I try my best to bring my attention back to my breath when this happens. I enjoy the brief moments of silence even though my meditation sessions is chaotic the majority of the time. One thing that's helped me with my loneliness these past few days is spending more time with my cat. My cat usually hates it when I hold him for too long but he's been tolerating it more lately, maybe he can sense that I'm lonely. Sometimes when I meditate my cat will lay on my lap, he's probably just resting but I like to believe that he's also focusing on his breath and staying in the present moment in his cat consciousness.

Things have been going great with the friend that I met last week, we chat quite often and it's really nice having someone to talk to, I couldn't ask for a better friend. He hasn't shown any physical interest in me yet and I was considering making the first move, ultimately I decided against it because he genuinely seems interested in me and I don't want to ruin a good friendship if he doesn't feel the same way.

Lately I've also tried to schedule my days better to keep myself busier. I noticed that my feelings of loneliness come more frequently when I have a lot of free time so I'm trying to pack my days full of productive activities. Things like exercising, cooking, and cleaning help keep me busy and it feels nice to unwind after a busy day.

[LostStudent]

I am an awful human being. 

[Gesundheit]

@LostStudent Hey, what's going on?

[LostStudent]

@Gesundheit

I'm struggling. I've been pretty down these past few days and it feels like I'm spiraling down further and further into a pit of sadness. I feel like I have no energy and I spent all day in bed today. Hopefully things will get better, I don't know what's wrong with me. 

[Gesundheit]

@LostStudent We all have our bad moments. But that doesn't make us awful humans. I wonder about this judgement you made about yourself. It feels like you're being hard on yourself when in fact all you need is a little comforting and support.

There's also something that I think could help you here:

"What You Resist, Persists. What You Accept, Transforms You. You've probably heard it before– the notion that life isn't about what happens to you, but rather about how you respond to it. It's been my favourite motto for over a decade now, and it's given me a sense of agency over the circumstances of my life."

https://www.soulaia.com/self-soul/what-you-resist-persists/

Hope this helps. Take care.

[LostStudent]

@Gesundheit

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

[LostStudent]

Lately I've been in a pretty dark place, I've spent the last 3 months drinking, doing drugs, and hooking up with people on tinder. I did these things because I wanted the instant gratification but at this point I don't even feel that good doing these things anymore. I tried to end my life 2 weeks ago, I felt confident that I could follow through with it but I felt this intense feeling of fear and uncertainty right before and I ultimately backed out. I guess  part of me still wants to live, or maybe I'm just a fearful person who can't take the final leap of faith. 

I think this is rock bottom and maybe I can only go up from here, that's an encouraging thought. I'm going to try and get back to the basics, no drugs, alcohol, or sex. I'm also going to meditate and exercise every day and try to eat more regularly.

[RendHeaven]

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

Lately I've been in a pretty dark place, I've spent the last 3 months drinking, doing drugs, and hooking up with people on tinder. I did these things because I wanted the instant gratification but at this point I don't even feel that good doing these things anymore. I tried to end my life 2 weeks ago, I felt confident that I could follow through with it but I felt this intense feeling of fear and uncertainty right before and I ultimately backed out. I guess  part of me still wants to live, or maybe I'm just a fearful person who can't take the final leap of faith. 

I think this is rock bottom and maybe I can only go up from here, that's an encouraging thought. I'm going to try and get back to the basics, no drugs, alcohol, or sex. I'm also going to meditate and exercise every day and try to eat more regularly.

Self-Made Prison 

[LostStudent]

@RendHeaven

Yeah well, I'm sorry for letting me down I guess. 

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, LostStudent said:

Yeah well, I'm sorry for letting me down I guess. 

You will rise up one day, I know you will.

[LostStudent]

@RendHeaven 

Thank you.