My Journal

[LostStudent]

I meditate in silence but my mind is loud. I focus on my breath but my focus shifts to my insecurities.

I made soup the other day, I used too much kale and the soup was bitter. I remember being happy and cheery when I was a kid, I often wonder where I messed up for it to be bitter now.

My childhood dog was in my dream last night, it was a really pleasant dream and I was disappointed when I woke up. Is it sad that I'm happier in my dreams than in real life? I've been sleeping better lately, maybe I'll get more happy dreams.

Edited May 23, 2021 by LostStudent

[LostStudent]

I've been working out daily which has had a positive effect on my sleep, I've been sleeping well these past few days and I don't feel the the urge to lay in bed after I wake up. 

I've been struggling with loneliness again lately and I'm not sure what to do, none of my solutions in the past were very effective and I just got past that phase after a while. I'm trying to accept that it's something I'll have to ride out again but it's tough. I don't have a lot of meaningful human contact throughout the day so that seems like the obvious cause of my loneliness but part of me wonders if there's something deeper, I'm not too sure. 

I've been trying to connect with my family better lately. I talk with my immediate family occasionally but I'm not very open with them and it's really sad the more I think about it, our conversations feel formal and they're similar to how I'd talk with my apartment neighbors when we share an elevator. I called my brother to see how he was doing and he sounded glad to hear from me, we used to be really close but we've drifted apart over the years. I realized lately that I've never been 100% open and honest with anyone in my life, that doesn't sound very healthy when I write it down like this. I want to open up to my brother about my recent struggles and my thoughts of suicide, I feel like it would be nice to tell someone but at the same time I'm hesitant because I don't want to offload my emotional problems on him and overwhelm him.

 

[RendHeaven]

4 hours ago, LostStudent said:

I've been working out daily which has had a positive effect on my sleep, I've been sleeping well these past few days and I don't feel the the urge to lay in bed after I wake up. 

I've been struggling with loneliness again lately and I'm not sure what to do, none of my solutions in the past were very effective and I just got past that phase after a while. I'm trying to accept that it's something I'll have to ride out again but it's tough. I don't have a lot of meaningful human contact throughout the day so that seems like the obvious cause of my loneliness but part of me wonders if there's something deeper, I'm not too sure. 

I've been trying to connect with my family better lately. I talk with my immediate family occasionally but I'm not very open with them and it's really sad the more I think about it, our conversations feel formal and they're similar to how I'd talk with my apartment neighbors when we share an elevator. I called my brother to see how he was doing and he sounded glad to hear from me, we used to be really close but we've drifted apart over the years. I realized lately that I've never been 100% open and honest with anyone in my life, that doesn't sound very healthy when I write it down like this. I want to open up to my brother about my recent struggles and my thoughts of suicide, I feel like it would be nice to tell someone but at the same time I'm hesitant because I don't want to offload my emotional problems on him and overwhelm him.

 Beautiful soul-searching ^.^

I can relate to each struggle and emotion you've painted here.

 

[Raptorsin7]

@LostStudent Do you have a therapist or someone like that?

When I had suicidal thoughts I remember one time I went to talk to a friend who I thought would be open to that kind of talk. I opened up to him about a bunch of stuff and It was the best I had felt in months. I was still kinda fucked after the conversation, but it felt good to just open up to someone. Especially if you used to be close to your brother maybe you can try and re-develop that relationship

[LostStudent]

@Raptorsin7

No I don't have a therapist or anything like that. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea for me to find one, I'm hesistant because I have an irrational stigma against that kind of thing. I feel like having a therapist would be me admitting that I'm messed up, I guess I'm just in denial haha.

I talked to my brother and told him I've been struggling lately and he was pretty receptive. I just feel bad because my brother works a lot of hours and he has a wife and kid so I feel like I'm adding more to his plate. 

[LostStudent]

Today I'm feeling thankful. I read a post where someone was asking how to escape poverty in a third world country and it made me cry. There's so much in my life I take for granted. If I wanted to, I could stop working tomorrow and live the rest of my life off my parents wealth. I did nothing to deserve this situation, life is so brutal sometimes. It's kind of pathetic, I'm over here worrying about my self worth and emotions while that guy is fighting to survive. 

[Raptorsin7]

4 hours ago, LostStudent said:

Today I'm feeling thankful. I read a post where someone was asking how to escape poverty in a third world country and it made me cry. There's so much in my life I take for granted. If I wanted to, I could stop working tomorrow and live the rest of my life off my parents wealth. I did nothing to deserve this situation, life is so brutal sometimes. It's kind of pathetic, I'm over here worrying about my self worth and emotions while that guy is fighting to survive. 

Everything is relative. Don't beat up on yourself because you got lucky with your family situation. I take a lot for granted like you, but reminding yourself that you have rich parents isn't going to bring about what you want in the long run haha

What is your plan to deal with your unhappiness? Do you have any sense of what success would look like for you?

[LostStudent]

On 6/2/2021 at 4:28 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

What is your plan to deal with your unhappiness? Do you have any sense of what success would look like for you?

I don't really have any immediate plans, I'm going to spend a significant amount of time traveling once everything opens up, I hoping something will change when I get out of my comfort zone. Success would be finding higher purpose in my life, I wouldn't necessarily need to profit off this.

[Raptorsin7]

11 minutes ago, LostStudent said:

I don't really have any immediate plans, I'm going to spend a significant amount of time traveling once everything opens up, I hoping something will change when I get out of my comfort zone. Success would be finding higher purpose in my life, I wouldn't necessarily need to profit off this.

Ahh cool. I'm planning on doing that too once everything's opens up.

I think spending a lot of time alone in a foreign place can be really valuable. How long are you planning on travelling? I'm thinking 3-6 months 

[LostStudent]

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think spending a lot of time alone in a foreign place can be really valuable. How long are you planning on travelling? I'm thinking 3-6 months 

Yeah I agree. I don't have a time frame in mind yet, I don't want to limit how long I can stay in a place if I'm really enjoying my time there. I haven't done much research yet but I'm definitely going to visit Asia for part of my trip, I've never been to Asia and I think it would be a nice culture shock. I'll visit China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, and India for sure. I think getting one way tickets to each country would be a flexible way to explore without any time constraints.

Where do you want to travel to?

 

[Raptorsin7]

On 6/4/2021 at 4:04 PM, LostStudent said:

Yeah I agree. I don't have a time frame in mind yet, I don't want to limit how long I can stay in a place if I'm really enjoying my time there. I haven't done much research yet but I'm definitely going to visit Asia for part of my trip, I've never been to Asia and I think it would be a nice culture shock. I'll visit China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, and India for sure. I think getting one way tickets to each country would be a flexible way to explore without any time constraints.

Where do you want to travel to?

 

Ahh nice. I went to Japan a few summer's ago, it's the only country in Asia i've been too, and I thought Japan was a really interesting country. I would definitely want to back to Japan, but I think If I travel on a budget it would eat up a big chunk compared to other countries in Asia. 

I don't have a set list of countries, but I'll probably go through India, Thailand, Nepal, and a bunch others. I want to check out some holy sites and monasteries too. I don't know what it's like to be a spiritual seeker in Asia now, but I've heard some pretty interesting stories from people who travelled to Asia in the 60, 70's etc. 

Do you have any ideas about what you want to do while travelling?

[LostStudent]

On 6/6/2021 at 5:21 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you have any ideas about what you want to do while travelling?

I enjoy art and nature so I'm probably going to visit a bunch of art galleries and spend a considerable time in nature. I think visiting holy sites and monasteries could be a cool experience so I may do that too. I want to spend time interacting with people of different cultures but I don't know what the best way to do this is. 

[LostStudent]

The last few weeks have been very pleasant. I've kept myself busy with the gym, yoga, meditation, cooking, hanging out with my friends, and I've even had the time to meet a some new people. I think what I'm craving the most is a relationship, someone I could open up to and share every aspect of my life. I've made an effort to meet new people lately and I've got a few dates lined up, I haven't been on a date for a while so I'm nervous but also excited.