Why do I always attract to depressed girls?

[SamC]

Just now, neutralempty said:

@SamC Well then there is your condition that you need to convey clearly before relationship, in whichever way you do.

@neutralempty Super true! (:

What do you want? Just curios.

[Yamak9889]

Just now, SamC said:

a loving girl is not = a girl who is desperatly needs us.

I agree ^

Just now, SamC said:

#wewantpussyaswellthough 

LOL - don't let it drive u man hahaha.

 

Just now, SamC said:

Good luck to you and in your journy. I hope you will get all that you want - you seem like a great guy, who deserves the best.

 

U 2 bro <3

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, SamC said:

Guess I am more fucked up than I thought I was. I have started noticing this more and more, and fuck man - I kinda like it lmao.

You're spitting some super high quality knowledge bombs lolz.  Mind sharing where and how you attain and build your knowledge? What do you do?

@SamC Just a few years ahead in the journey I suppose. Always been curious and interested in psychology and a variety of topics around that.

Inherited low self-esteem and trauma energy from my parents. I always had the attitude that I can fix/overcome anything. I've been extremely willing to try things by recommendation, even though they were out of my comfort zone.

My journey took me through:

• Meditation
• Psychedelics
• TNT (Tantra and spirituality workshops)
• Some pickup
• Improv comedy
• Primal therapy
• Actualized.org of course

And more. But I think the important part is not the specific stops, but how you make decisions on which roads to take:

• Curiosity stronger than need to confirm existing beliefs (willing to be proven wrong)
• Driven to fix and improve
• Willing to try things that are uncomfortable
• Value listening to intuition and choosing activities based on that
• Learn to see what is uncomfortable because it's a step up, and distinguish it from discomfort because it is a step down
• Willing to follow advice from people I trust, even (or especially) if it makes no sense to me, and just seeing what happens

Hope that helps!

[SamC]

23 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

What if the girl is depressed, but is also high quality?
What then?

A suicidal depressed girl is not high quality, in the same way as a alcoholic or drug addict guy is not high quality.

It's not about the value or quality in that sense though, it's more about - will this be healthy.

I know many woman and men who got attracted to eachoter and one was a total freak. It's not about attraction or love - it's about if the relationship is based on codependency/ dependency or not.

Quote

People don't fall into such simple either or categories.
And why should someone who isn't perfect not be loved?

Why shouldn't an Incel who isn't perfect not be loved?

Cause it's about survival, not unconditional love.

( and unconditional does not include becoming codependent btw, codependent relationships = fear and ego. Not love.

Quote

It all comes down to your personal ability.  Can you do it?  If not, then you should find healthier people, and it is not your fault for not being able to.
Just be mindful of it.

If so, some benefits: Many times, gifted people have issues, if you can work through it then they are yours, the sex is better - for some a crazier style and much more open and for others more emotional and absorptive, good luck finding the level of love and loyalty from normies - completely different ballpark.

One should have nothing to do with trying to fix someone. Sure, you could want to help but not fix someone from scratch. That's A impossible and B super unloving towards yourself. The relationship will be toxic.

Quote

Most advice here comes from folks who simply don't have the ability to love someone like that.  Or they don't visualize being in the same place at some point in their lives, or they were and did not get the same support they needed and want to carry that bitterness over to others, perhaps even ablism, lack of empathy, ect, ect.

timestamped

 

Again, It's not about not loving someone. It's about loving yourself enough to understand that a codependent relationship - is not good for you, or the other person in the long run.

 

[SamC]

15 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@SamC Just a few years ahead in the journey I suppose. Always been curious and interested in psychology and a variety of topics around that.

Inherited low self-esteem and trauma energy from my parents. I always had the attitude that I can fix/overcome anything. I've been extremely willing to try things by recommendation, even though they were out of my comfort zone.

My journey took me through:

• Meditation
• Psychedelics
• TNT (Tantra and spirituality workshops)
• Some pickup
• Improv comedy
• Primal therapy
• Actualized.org of course

And more. But I think the important part is not the specific stops, but how you make decisions on which roads to take:

• Curiosity stronger than need to confirm existing beliefs (willing to be proven wrong)
• Driven to fix and improve
• Willing to try things that are uncomfortable
• Value listening to intuition and choosing activities based on that
• Learn to see what is uncomfortable because it's a step up, and distinguish it from discomfort because it is a step down
• Willing to follow advice from people I trust, even (or especially) if it makes no sense to me, and just seeing what happens

Hope that helps!

My man, you're spiral dynamics stage Yellow. That's what I thought! Lol. One can legit sense that! Thanks for the info. @flowboy

[flowboy]

6 minutes ago, SamC said:

My man, you're spiral dynamics stage Yellow. That's what I thought! Lol. One can legit sense that! Thanks for the info. @flowboy

Happy to help! I can tell we think similarly. With your curiosity and attitude, you'll develop yourself quickly!

[SamC]

37 minutes ago, neutralempty said:

@SamC

“One should have nothing to do with trying to fix someone. Sure, you could want to help but not fix someone from scratch. That's A impossible and B super unloving towards yourself. The relationship will be toxic..“

Just to set a relation, and I might be taking something upfront which I should not have, but this is a higher form of love towards yourself, not in what you describe but to what this quote is directed at.

 

Not sure what you mean. feel free to elaborate and explain (:

If you mean that the highest form of self love in this case is to not go into a Codependent relationship, I agree. Thats my whole point 

 

 

 

 

[LordFall]

On 1/7/2021 at 7:47 AM, flowboy said:

Primal therapy really did a lot for my self esteem. I know a good week-long retreat that did wonders for me. Will run you about 2000 though.

Definitely curious about this, what is that about? 

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, SamC said:

@Leo Gura 7

+ almost all of my friends are pretty fucked up aswell. ( 3-6 peeps idk)

Seems like I am drawn to people who need a lot of emotional support.

And how do you meet these girls? Via social circle?

That might be your problem. You need to look for girls far beyond your social circle because your social circle is gonna reflect you. You need to diversify your portfolio, so to speak

You should also develop a basic method for screening girls for mental issues. Do it early on and reject those who don't have good mental health. You can design some screening questions to suss out history of mental issues without the girl even knowing that you're screening her.

[hyruga]

Check out the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman! Remember, Men are from mars, women are from Venus!

Edited January 9, 2021 by hyruga

[SamC]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

And how do you meet these girls? Via social circle?

That might be your problem. You need to look for girls far beyond your social circle because your social circle is gonna reflect you. You need to diversify your portfolio, so to speak

You should also develop a basic method for screening girls for mental issues. Do it early on and reject those who don't have good mental health. You can design some screening questions to suss out history of mental issues without the girl even knowing that you're screening her.

 

This might very well be the case! What gets me thinking however is if this dynamic is because of me and that I therefor simply can't attract a girl who is not depressed. ( because of my inner game)

I am aware this sounds like a limiting belifef but on the other hand, the inner game is most certainly the root cause to this problem in some way...

But you know what, maybe it's a paradox. Maybe it is my inner game but if I choose consciously and get out and pick up some high quality girls, that will help me to heal/ reprogram my mind? What do you say about this theory?@Leo Gura

Anyway I certainly should try going outside my social circle before drawing any more conclusions about this. Experience is king, only than I will now what is true.

 

[SamC]

15 hours ago, neutralempty said:

@SamC

No. You have to have sufficient love and understanding to be able to direct someone out of codependency via a relationship. The “reward“ through sharing and realizating it in form is a greater and more stable fulfilment, than a bond on agreed terms like marriage for example. But you can't just go around doing it, it's an intuitive and selfless/loving process although not unconditional, but without expectations ( or rather without strong emotional attachment to judgement that arises from expectations ). And you have to gather and put information together of different topics.

It is not contradictory to use a bond to help someone out of a desperate need for a bond. If anything an avoidance of a bond may leave the person with more resent or hatred towards their own needs.

We use this bond to set boundaries writhin the relationship that help overcome a desperate neediness, while also giving authentic love to not make the person feel left. 

Or better yet, we direct a person towards realizing their obsolete craving by empathic love sharing. Via empathy you “share“ your mind with the other making it easier for them to let go, if your mind holds a strong enough emotional state that can let a person leave their need.

 

 

@neutralempty This is the most interesting thing ever. Thank you so much for sharing.

Where have you learned this? Do you have any recommended recorses to learn more about this?

I don't think this can be created if the other one is in fear mode aswell though ( if the motivation to do it, is selfish). Besides that - this is not about fixing someone in that way right? This to me sounds more like some sage level loving shit and just accepting the person as they are and giving love.

Maybe this is what they mean by the quote, " love can heal". Hmmmm. Again thanks for sharing, if there is anymore you want to add aswell, feel free to do so (:

Edited January 9, 2021 by SamC

[hyruga]

Probably means you have the ability to take care of the girl so the girl come to you. Maybe you have a friendly look so girls are not afraid of you.

[Yali]

22 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You can design some screening questions to suss out history of mental issues without the girl even knowing that you're screening her.

@Leo Gura

What questions would you ask without sounding invasive?