Why do I always attract to depressed girls?

[SamC]

Okey, this is starting to look like a really bad tragic comedy. Every single girl I attract is basically depressed and borderline suicidal.

What is this?? How can I solve this?

I know that it has to do with me having a strong inseceure ego which wants to get super loved and be super needed by the girl, but I still don't get it. Any insights about why this is and how to go about it would be greatly appreciated. 

[Rilles]

Look into your childhood and family history deeply. Also do some Shadow Work.

[flowboy]

6 minutes ago, SamC said:

I know that it has to do with me having a strong inseceure ego which wants to get super loved and be super needed by the girl, but I still don't get it.

Don't get what? Seems you've got it nailed.

If you don't have healthy self-worth, you don't believe that you just 'being there' is not enough. You believe your mere presence is worthless, so you need to do something to be worthy of love. Such as provide unhealthy levels of emotional support.

When you get healthy self-esteem, mentally unhealthy people will turn you off, and you will want nothing to do with them. This is not coming from a harshness, rather from a knowing that people can't be fixed by anyone but themselves.

 

I agree that it could have its roots in childhood. Was your mother emotionally needy or unstable? Was your dad unavailable to her, and so you took it upon yourself to make her feel better?

Many things could be going on.

I had a similar issue. For me it was not a dynamic between me and my parents, I just inherited/copied lack of self-worth from them. I didn't feel attractive and the only way for me to get girls to pay attention to me (or so I thought) was to listen to their problems.

Edited January 7, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

19 minutes ago, SamC said:

how to go about it

Just continue your journey and do whatever work necessary to feel great about yourself.

This could include life purpose work, different kinds of therapy, possibly pickup, shadow work, take up hobbies that you've always wanted to try. LSD helped me. Primal therapy really did a lot for my self esteem. I know a good week-long retreat that did wonders for me. Will run you about 2000 though.

Just do what your intuition tells you that you need, and go explore things that you feel uncomfortable with. Learn to distinguish the different types of uncomfortable. There's a kind that scares you but you intuit that you could learn a lot. And a different kind that's useless and a step down for you. Experiment.

[LordFall]

I mean you can read books like "no more Mr. Nice guy" or stuff on codependence which you definitely suffer from it you attract and are attracted to depressed girls.

Many layers here: have you not worked on your value enough that you can attract girls with high self-esteem? If you think of an attractive, ambitious, well put together woman; what would she think about you? What would you think about her? 

I used to have this problem and these questions helped me. My ex was literally BPD with hardcore addiction issues and I had this fantasy of being the perfect boyfriend that rescued her and we'd love happily ever after.

 

Life ripped that away from me quite brutally but I would now thank god for it ?

[SamC]

19 hours ago, Rilles said:

Look into your childhood and family history deeply. Also do some Shadow Work.

Yeah, Will do

 

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

Don't get what? Seems you've got it nailed.

If you don't have healthy self-worth, you don't believe that you just 'being there' is not enough. You believe your mere presence is worthless, so you need to do something to be worthy of love. Such as provide unhealthy levels of emotional support.

When you get healthy self-esteem, mentally unhealthy people will turn you off, and you will want nothing to do with them. This is not coming from a harshness, rather from a knowing that people can't be fixed by anyone but themselves.

 

I agree that it could have its roots in childhood. Was your mother emotionally needy or unstable? Was your dad unavailable to her, and so you took it upon yourself to make her feel better?

Many things could be going on.

I had a similar issue. For me it was not a dynamic between me and my parents, I just inherited/copied lack of self-worth from them. I didn't feel attractive and the only way for me to get girls to pay attention to me (or so I thought) was to listen to their problems.

Wow, This is Gold. This comes from my dad, he has low self esteem and perfectionism. 

When I'm thinking about it.. yeah, actually. I'm the supporting voice in the family and that supporting/ solving of emotional problems have given me love.

Never thought about it that way before, but fuck it's true. Being needed is my way of getting love, even in my family dynamic. ( atleast for my dad...,)

Wow, I get it more now but at the same time, this made me even more confused with more " ????". Thank you bro, I appreciate it.

@flowboy

19 hours ago, flowboy said:

Just continue your journey and do whatever work necessary to feel great about yourself.

This could include life purpose work, different kinds of therapy, possibly pickup, shadow work, take up hobbies that you've always wanted to try. LSD helped me. Primal therapy really did a lot for my self esteem. I know a good week-long retreat that did wonders for me. Will run you about 2000 though.

Just do what your intuition tells you that you need, and go explore things that you feel uncomfortable with. Learn to distinguish the different types of uncomfortable. There's a kind that scares you but you intuit that you could learn a lot. And a different kind that's useless and a step down for you. Experiment.

???????? thank you 

 

 

 

[SamC]

5 hours ago, LordFall said:

I mean you can read books like "no more Mr. Nice guy" or stuff on codependence which you definitely suffer from it you attract and are attracted to depressed girls.

100%. I should really research this more.

5 hours ago, LordFall said:

Many layers here: have you not worked on your value enough that you can attract girls with high self-esteem? If you think of an attractive, ambitious, well put together woman; what would she think about you? What would you think about her? 

 

You want radical honesty? @LordFalldefinitly not lolz.  I would feel TERRIFIED.

Right now I don't feel worthy of that or even a relationship at all. Therefor, I don't think I would even 1:  Be able to attract a girl like that and 2: Be able to handle such a relationship. 

I don't think I even have a friendship that is not based on codependency. Having a romantic intimate relationship seems right now impossible. ( I know it's not, but that's what my subconscious belive)

I could tell you, sure man that would be possible to do, but that would just be me lying to myself and avoiding the fact that I have low self esteem.

[xxxx]

@SamC

Read about the Broken Bird Syndrome / Broken Wing Syndrome.

There’s books, articles, etc.

It may be of help. 

Edited January 8, 2021 by xxxx

[SamC]

16 minutes ago, xxxx said:

@SamC

Read about the Broken Bird Syndrome / Broken Wing Syndrome.

There’s books, articles, etc.

It may be of help. 

Thank you, I appreciate it!

[Leo Gura]

23 hours ago, SamC said:

Every single girl I attract is basically depressed and borderline suicidal.

How many?

State the actual number.

[hyruga]

23 hours ago, SamC said:

Okey, this is starting to look like a really bad tragic comedy. Every single girl I attract is basically depressed and borderline suicidal.

What is this?? How can I solve this?

I know that it has to do with me having a strong inseceure ego which wants to get super loved and be super needed by the girl, but I still don't get it. Any insights about why this is and how to go about it would be greatly appreciated. 

Because you like to help girls?

[SamC]

31 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

How many?

State the actual number.

@Leo Gura 7

+ almost all of my friends are pretty fucked up aswell. ( 3-6 peeps idk)

Seems like I am drawn to people who need a lot of emotional support.

Edited January 8, 2021 by SamC

[SamC]

57 minutes ago, neutralempty said:

Maybe it's to learn to help them?

 

I can't help them and I know that, yet those are the girls that get attracted to me.

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by SamC

[SamC]

31 minutes ago, hyruga said:

Because you like to help girls?

Well in some ways yeah. It makes me feel loved but I can't really help them and it is super unhealthy.

I just met another girl through instagram who is depressed and shit and I had to stop myself from trying to attract her, cause even if I would have succeeded - that wouldn't be good for my life or her.... but I so desperately want the love.

I'm Neddy for love, I know, I know. I'm working on it

[SamC]

2 minutes ago, neutralempty said:

@SamC

Yeah, but maybe you can learn someday? Unless you don't like to, then it's probably better to stay away.. or work on why you dislike?

I'm not in a relationship to be a therapist. That's not a relationship, that's codependency.

My problem is that they are the girls that get attracted to me, probably cause they get what they want ( security) and I get what I want ( their unconditional love, cause they need me so so so much)

 

[flowboy]

People attract people with a comparable level of mental issues. Not the same issues, but complementary ones. If one is heavily avoidantly attached, the other will be heavily anxiously attached. If one is moderately depressed and needy, the other will have a moderate need to be needed. If one is a narcissistic abuser, the other will have a traumatic imprint that makes him/her feel most at home in an abusive relationship.

That's why you can tell how developed you really are by looking at who you attract. And why you attract better and better people as you do more personal development and healing. It's all under your control.

Edited January 8, 2021 by flowboy

[Yamak9889]

Just now, SamC said:

I'm Neddy for love, I know, I know. I'm working on it

Don't work on it, man. That's okay I am just like you. Each human being is different, be yourself whatever the hell that is. 

In your case (and mine) we like being loved. So, be patient and find a girl that suits your ideals, enlighten her and then both of u will communicate on how each likes to be loved.

Also, Leo has a book on the love languages, I think you should give that a try.

But, do not make the mistake that I did. Which is to try to find happiness from a girl. That will never work. Find your inner peace and happiness first and then go get urself a girl.

If she's not open-minded enough to let u show her HER inner peace then move on and find someone else. You should be smart about and quickly read if she is going to be open-minded enough or not.

Hope this helps brother 

#WeWantToBeLoved LOL

[SamC]

35 minutes ago, flowboy said:

People attract people with a comparable level of mental issues. Not the same issues, but complementary ones. If one is heavily avoidantly attached, the other will be heavily anxiously attached. If one is moderately depressed and needy, the other will have a moderate need to be needed. If one is a narcissistic abuser, the other will have a traumatic imprint that makes him/her feel most at home in an abusive relationship.

That's why you can tell how developed you really are by looking at who you attract. And why you attract better and better people as you do more personal development and healing. It's all under your control.

Guess I am more fucked up than I thought I was. I have started noticing this more and more, and fuck man - I kinda like it lmao.

You're spitting some super high quality knowledge bombs lolz.  Mind sharing where and how you attain and build your knowledge? What do you do?

[SamC]

1 minute ago, neutralempty said:

@SamC

You don't have to. You can just be a helping friend.

What are your reasons for a relationship?

Sex

And a partner who can develop with me towards self actualization and self transcendence.

I want to be there for people but I can't really " help"/ save someone. I realize people need to develop in their own time

[SamC]

41 minutes ago, Yamak9889 said:

Don't work on it, man. That's okay I am just like you. Each human being is different, be yourself whatever the hell that is. 

In your case (and mine) we like being loved. So, be patient and find a girl that suits your ideals, enlighten her and then both of u will communicate on how each likes to be loved.

Also, Leo has a book on the love languages, I think you should give that a try.

But, do not make the mistake that I did. Which is to try to find happiness from a girl. That will never work. Find your inner peace and happiness first and then go get urself a girl.

If she's not open-minded enough to let u show her HER inner peace then move on and find someone else. You should be smart about and quickly read if she is going to be open-minded enough or not.

Hope this helps brother 

#WeWantToBeLoved LOL

You're too kind. The same love and support is coming right back at ya.

It's true, we need to work on ourselves and than find a woman who is compatible to that person we are yet to become ( and at the same time we already are). It's important to note though, a loving girl is not = a girl who is desperatly needs us. I need to make that distinction.

Yeah man, I know - openmindness for the girl is one of the keys. I'm always scanning for that. What is a bit sad however is that, some girls can be super openminded but at the sametime super depressed. 

Good luck to you and in your journy. I hope you will get all that you want - you seem like a great guy, who deserves the best.

 

#wewantpussyaswellthough