I feel lost.

[LostStudent]

My family and the people around me have always preached "no pain no gain" and "bitter before the sweet". All my life I've worked hard to excel and overachieve in school, hobbies, and other facets of my life. I've always been able to self-motivate myself to perform well for things like school by convincing myself that even if I don't enjoy the course, I'll definitely enjoy the result as well as the praise from my family and peers. These past few years I've found myself numb to that praise and affirmation, it's been my drug of choice for all my life and now it feels like I've built a tolerance to it, I can't get enough for a "high" anymore. I recently graduated at the top of my university program and I have a job lined up that most people would consider high paying and sought after. I'm just wondering when I'll experience the "sweet" because it doesn't feel like I've achieved anything. Do I just have a messed up temperament? All my peers and family look up to me but it's honestly so laughable, if they felt what I felt I doubt they'd feel this way. It honestly pisses me off when people are envious of me because there's no way they'd want what I have. I've never had thoughts of suicide in the past but lately right before I fall asleep I have a thought that I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up the next day. The idea seems so peaceful to me, it would be like before you were born, no pain, no suffering. I guess I'm just on here to see what kind of perspectives people have of my life. I realize that I'm the one causing this as well as the one suffering from this but I struggle to even envision a better version of myself, beyond that she would be happier. 

[AdamDiC]

This is because your whole life you've been living someone else's dreams.

Have you ever asked yourself? What do I want from life? What makes me happy? What hobbies am I really passionate about? Could I turn that hobby into a career? How can I change/impact the world?

At least you have a job now so I'm guessing you can be independent. But if you want to be happy you gotta start thinking for yourself. Radically.

Buy Leo's Life Purpose Course. It is a must if you really want to solve this problem. I've done it and it is 10x the value of the cost.

Good Luck!

[aurum]

@LostStudent

You're waking up. It's not a pretty process, but this is what it looks like. Especially in the early stages.

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

Do I just have a messed up temperament?

No, you've just lived your life for others.

It's a normal thing. We all crave love from those around us growing up. And our society isn't exactly setup in a healthy way for you to meet that need. So this is the result.

Now that you're an adult, you're starting to break that pattern as it no longer serves you.

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

I've never had thoughts of suicide in the past but lately right before I fall asleep I have a thought that I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up the next day. The idea seems so peaceful to me, it would be like before you were born, no pain, no suffering.

This is you wanting to awaken. You're seeking the peace that comes with spiritual growth.

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

I guess I'm just on here to see what kind of perspectives people have of my life.

You've come to the right place .

If you don't have a spiritual practice already, I'd look into starting one.

[Thought Art]

I relate to this. Trust that these feelings are a guidance towards a new light!

[Gesundheit]

Welcome to Green: https://spiraldynamicsintegral.nl/en/green/

[LostStudent]

22 hours ago, AdamDiC said:

Have you ever asked yourself? What do I want from life? What makes me happy? What hobbies am I really passionate about? Could I turn that hobby into a career? How can I change/impact the world?

I just want to live a happy life. I have these hazy memories from when I was around 2 years old, they're the earliest memories I have but I remember waking up and feeling bliss. Somewhere along the line I lost that feeling but I guess I want to experience that again. I don't know how to answer the second question because to me, happiness was that feeling when I was 2 and all my "positive" experiences since then are stark in comparison. I really enjoy traveling and playing instruments but I don't see I could turn that into a career. I have no clue how to answer the last question in my current state.

22 hours ago, AdamDiC said:

Buy Leo's Life Purpose Course. It is a must if you really want to solve this problem. I've done it and it is 10x the value of the cost.

Good Luck!

I'll check that out, thanks for the tips.

@AdamDiC

Edited January 7, 2021 by LostStudent

[LostStudent]

19 hours ago, aurum said:

@LostStudent

You're waking up. It's not a pretty process, but this is what it looks like. Especially in the early stages.

This is you wanting to awaken. You're seeking the peace that comes with spiritual growth.

You've come to the right place .

If you don't have a spiritual practice already, I'd look into starting one.

What does it mean to wake up? Do you have any good resources for beginners?

@aurum

[LostStudent]

10 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I relate to this. Trust that these feelings are a guidance towards a new light!

Thanks for your kind words.

@Thought Art  

[LostStudent]

8 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

Welcome to Green: https://spiraldynamicsintegral.nl/en/green/

Thanks for the interesting read.

@Gesundheit

[ertopolice]

19 hours ago, aurum said:

@LostStudent

You're waking up. It's not a pretty process, but this is what it looks like. Especially in the early stages.

No, you've just lived your life for others.

It's a normal thing. We all crave love from those around us growing up. And our society isn't exactly setup in a healthy way for you to meet that need. So this is the result.

Now that you're an adult, you're starting to break that pattern as it no longer serves you.

This is you wanting to awaken. You're seeking the peace that comes with spiritual growth.

You've come to the right place .

If you don't have a spiritual practice already, I'd look into starting one.

I feel reflected on that

Mega succueful career that when achieved i felt SO unhappy and lost

Till today

I still struggle with that and with my LP

Didn't think of this as an awakening though

 

[aurum]

4 hours ago, LostStudent said:

What does it mean to wake up? Do you have any good resources for beginners?

@aurum

I do coincidentally  click the link below in my signature.

Really everything Leo talks about on the Actualized.org YT channel is about waking up. So if you're familiar with his content then you should have an idea.

4 hours ago, ertopolice said:

I feel reflected on that

Mega succueful career that when achieved i felt SO unhappy and lost

Till today

I still struggle with that and with my LP

Didn't think of this as an awakening though

It's all an awakening that's what we're doing here.

[xxxx]

@LostStudent

Hey, the others here have given great advice. However, I’d like to offer another, different perspective.

Read about the maximizer and satisficer categories.

You feeling unhappy may be either because you’re a maximizer who heavily relies on external sources for evaluation- on a basis of lot of factors.

Or, you could actually, inherently, be a satisficer, who is being pushed by the society to be a maximizer. 

 

A very interesting research article that you may want to take a look at:

They have chosen three distinct cultural groups and analyse how different societies behave. 

Title: The Tyranny of Choice : A Cross - Cultural Investigation of Maximizing-Satisficing Effects on Well-Being

https://works.swarthmore.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=1002&context=fac-psychology

All the best! May you find your answers.

Best,

Edited January 8, 2021 by xxxx

[Guest EmptyVase]

Connecting back to what is happening right now might be an aid. Especially in modern times, with all the achievements we can accomplish, the focus should be about being happy now. Not in the future and not because of someone or something - but because you feel whole inside, regardless of the external world. You got a love-factory within you. Oh, and there's no need to be neurotic about it, if you don't find yourself 'happy in the now'. It's all part of the process. 

 

[LostStudent]

@xxxx Thanks for the interesting article!

[LostStudent]

@EmptyVase

5 hours ago, EmptyVase said:

Connecting back to what is happening right now might be an aid. Especially in modern times, with all the achievements we can accomplish, the focus should be about being happy now. Not in the future and not because of someone or something - but because you feel whole inside, regardless of the external world. You got a love-factory within you. Oh, and there's no need to be neurotic about it, if you don't find yourself 'happy in the now'. It's all part of the process. 

 

That's very insightful, thank you. I think the majority of my daily focus is either in the past/future or on someone/something.

[Guest EmptyVase]

3 hours ago, LostStudent said:

I think the majority of my daily focus is either in the past/future or on someone/something.

I'd like to give you something practical on the way, so that you can actually apply what is being written. Getting lost in ideas and concepts about self-development and spirituality happens rather quickly. Maybe it's inevitable to some degree, but it's best to stay cautious of it.

Reflecting and learning from the past is very useful, as it shapes your experience of now. But it also distorts your perception of now. Distortion, in the sense of additional thoughts and emotions, which come on top of the present moment. For example, if there's a person you dislike, you most likely have preconceived notions about that person. You can watch, how these judgements shape your interaction with that person. You can also watch, how these thoughts and emotions make you feel. When you are conscious of this, you can also try to deal with the situation, as if it would be your first time ever. A helpful analogy would be: Your thoughts and emotions about any situation are a written sheet of paper, full of accumulated memories. Becoming conscious of these thought- and emotion dynamics gives you the opportunity, to drop preconceived notions and look at the situation you find yourself in with new eyes. Now you have the chance to really feel the situation (and there's a whole lot to feel, I won't spoiler you). That would be a blank page - unwritten, fresh and new, every moment.

Envisioning your future is also very useful, as it also shapes your experience of now. Fears may come up, but also motivation on what you want to do with your life. It's the same dynamic as with the past: Thoughts about your future can distort your perception of now.  Say you have a specific goal and there are certain things you can do about that. This opens the gates to a lot of thoughts and emotions, which you can make use of, as long as they do not distract you. They become a distraction when you want to focus on the task at hand. Working, with fear in the back of the mind, can lessen the quality of your work. A wise thing to do would be to first recognize and notice everything, which gets added on top of the present moment. Then you can feel into these aspects, and feel how they shape your behavior. This opens up the possibility to drop the 'additional stuff' and reconnect to the present moment. Not only can this improve your quality of work, but it will also open up a dimension within you, which feels very pleasant. Makes ya feel light and wakeful. Of course, this is easier said than done. But as long as you keep feeling into the present moment, regardless of how unpleasant it may feel, you will succeed.

As there is nothing but the present moment, everything above is applicable to every single aspect of life and every single moment, 'including' the one where you are reading this. Hope this helps.

If you want to look further into such 'techniques', check this bomb-ass website out: https://www.actualityofbeing.com/meditations

It's really good.

Edited January 9, 2021 by EmptyVase

[LostStudent]

@EmptyVase
That makes a lot of sense. I think the root of all my misery is worrying about the future and reliving my past mistakes. A lot of the times I'll do that without realizing and I'll be caught in negative thoughts for the whole day. It's hard to put into words but I'll feel shame or embarassment and it'll keep spiraling until I get this sense of helplessness. I'm going to try to meditate regularly, I'm hoping that this practice will help me stay in the present more. Thanks for the link!

 

[Guest EmptyVase]

@LostStudent

The recognition of this alone is already curing, so you've got the ball rolling. No worries. Wish you well on your journey. ??