2021: 25/7, self-reliance and grounding

[Zigzag Idiot]

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

Also, Gurdjieffian idea of Biospheric symbiosis came up. I seem to be conscious of the origins of this knowledge, as complete understanding of the Self. Enneagram is truly a magnificent tool. I wonder whose survival it facilitates. 

 

@tsuki I like how you’re learning about and opening up the enneagram in ways that I never have. 
Biospheres symbiosis is a specific term I never encountered. Doing a google search and encountering a website containing many Forth Way concepts. It felt very synchronic to see on that webpage also a link to Jana Dixon’s Biology of Kundalini,  http://biologyofkundalini.com/ 

After pondering a little more I wanted to equate Biospheric symbiosis with Gurdjieff’s descriptive term “Iraniranumange” from his book Beelzebub’s Tales to his Grandson.

https://ae.gurdjieff.org.gr/terms/en50/0290.htm

I appreciate you providing all this food for thought and hope my intellect is up to the task of interpreting and stepping down the information in the post you just made about the 64 hexagrams of the I CHING.

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@tsuki I like how you’re learning about and opening up the enneagram in ways that I never have. 
Biospheres symbiosis is a specific term I never encountered. Doing a google search and encountering a website containing many Forth Way concepts. It felt very synchronic to see on that webpage also a link to Jana Dixon’s Biology of Kundalini,  http://biologyofkundalini.com/ 

After pondering a little more I wanted to equate Biospheric symbiosis with Gurdjieff’s descriptive term “Iraniranumange” from his book Beelzebub’s Tales to his Grandson.

I encountered Biospheric Symbiosis in I.G. Bennett's book "Enneagram studies". 

The book teaches that Enneagram is an archetype of action, represented by the 9-pointed star symbol. It allows the user to uncover hidden structures and interactions within a specific manifestation of the Enneagram. It is characterized by being a one, self-stabilizing, "surviving" organism that is composed of three independent processes called: passive, active and neutralizing. When considered locally, these processes seem to be in opposition, but globally, they form a self-supporting union that tends unbounded growth, and something similar to sublimation. These three processes are external to the Enneagram, while the Enneagram itself shows innner interaction of these systems: linearly, cyclically and exponentially. 

Gurdjieff famously considered humans to be a manifestation of the Enneagram, by being three-body-beings that turn food into cosmic consciousness. Bennett's book uses the Enneagram to map various manifestations - one of them being, the Biospheric symbiosis, which is the Enneagram of three processes: 

1. The Transformation of the Human Selves into Individual,
2. The Evolution of Humanity,
3. The Spiritualization of the Biosphere.

The author argues that we, as humans are completely blind to the third process and the solution of modern problems cannot come from the first two processes. Only by owning our purpose within the third process, we will receive the necessary intervention required to sustain us. I believe that it is very much in line with what the I-Ching teaches.

[tsuki]

Had an interesting mind-flash today when I was walking to work. Was contemplating my life as a body and it occurred to me that I have direct access to existence as Life, or Biology. Basically, the body I exist as, as well as all of its senses, and everything it perceives, is a distinction made by Life. 

I really don't know how to put this to words. I don't want it to get confused with evolutionary biology as an indirect mode of acquiring knowledge by scientific method. This is a living realization that had shifted my experience.

The Life force that perfected living organisms, at some point, made a distinction that had led to the first organism to have sight. Simultaneously, a possibility of observation of the world was introduced. Even though it seems mundane, it isn't. I don't know how to express this properly.

[tsuki]

Today I woke up at 1 AM with racing thoughts. Several manifestations of the enneagram became apparent:

1. Hero's journey
2. The progression of the career of a programmer
3. The interactions between authenticity, sincerity and profilicity

My understanding of the Enneagram, Alchemy and Numerology deepened a lot. These three are interrelated and they give birth to a lot of interesting thoughts. The nature of these structures is such that they are not really suited to plan one's life, or give direction to it. I can't properly articulate it yet. When I consider something through the Enneagram, I see the connection between progression of time, and the existing manifestations of the archetypes that the cycle goes through. As if the Enneagram somehow connected time and space, or maybe time and eternity.

Sorry for being cryptic, I'm trying my best.

[tsuki]

I've been reading "Facets of Unity" by A.H. Almaas and I was wondering about his vivid descriptions of the experience of Being. I mean, I can't really say that I experience my being, and it bugs me. For example, he seems to describe the spacious omnipresent "presence" that I identify as my presence, and I cannot honestly say that I experience myself this way.

I've been contemplating a bit my experience of "me", which seems to be the emotions that I view to be inside of my body. When I was trying to grasp why exactly I think that my emotions are inside of my body, I couldn't really say. I think that I am the space in which emotions occur, but this space is somehow juxtaposed on top of my visual field, as if these two "spaces" were distinct. When I'm scanning my body, I imagine blackness in which emotions occur. As if, I could either focus on them, or on my sight.

Will keep contemplating this. 

[tsuki]

Had an interesting thought yesterday. For the longest time now, I'm asking myself what is it that the world really needs right now. I mean, what is the biggest problem right now that I could contribute towards solving?

And, for the longest time, nothing comes up. Yesterday, for the first time, I had a thought that this world maybe isn't such a bad place that needed saving?

[Zigzag Idiot]

16 hours ago, tsuki said:

I've been reading "Facets of Unity" by A.H. Almaas and I was wondering about his vivid descriptions of the experience of Being. I mean, I can't really say that I experience my being, and it bugs me. For example, he seems to describe the spacious omnipresent "presence" that I identify as my presence, and I cannot honestly say that I experience myself this way.

I've been contemplating a bit my experience of "me", which seems to be the emotions that I view to be inside of my body. When I was trying to grasp why exactly I think that my emotions are inside of my body, I couldn't really say. I think that I am the space in which emotions occur, but this space is somehow juxtaposed on top of my visual field, as if these two "spaces" were distinct. When I'm scanning my body, I imagine blackness in which emotions occur. As if, I could either focus on them, or on my sight.

Will keep contemplating this. 

@tsuki I really get what your saying.

Being overly intellectual will definitely derail the experience of simply being. Or thinking about your emotions. Or emoting. Or imagining,,,,whatever,,,
This might sound odd but in the past I had a practice called playing stupid or sometimes playing dead the way the characters on the movie the sixth sense were portrayed except I knew I was dead (pretend dead). When I played pretend dead I would go off into the national forest and get on a mountain top. This seemed to really go well with that practice. When I role played being really stupid, that was something I could do anywhere and I was a natural by the way. Later on I realized the similarity here to beginners mind. These things helped me touch a state of inner quiet, although briefly.

Besides my homemade practices, really getting into Eckart Tolles “Power of Now” had the effect of quieting my mind and getting a taste of being as well. Of course there were other books too. This was way before I got into Centering Prayer meditation which is plutonium good for getting a quite mind.

By the time I was in my thirties overthinking, monkey mind, incessant internal dialogue was absolutely chronic. 
I guess my point is the experience of simply being requires a quiet mind and anything you can do to get there will help. And like a savings account which accrues interest, I feel inner quiet works the same way in relation to having the experience of simply being. The fact that it’s so simple it seems kind of absurd.

At one point pondering how internalized images were the building blocks for ego structures made something click which made some things fall away.

I don’t want to sound like I think I’m bomb proof solid with my states, stage, realization, etc., Just wanted to throw out some things as food for thought. Excuse me,,, Being. ?
Oh, I left out the biggie. Becoming grounded in your body. In your belly center or hara. You’ve probably heard this stuff I mentioned, aside from my homemade practices, a hundred times.

Later,,, ?‍♂️

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

This was way before I got into Centering Prayer meditation which is plutonium good for getting a quite mind.

I heard you mention this practice multiple times, I will look into it.

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

By the time I was in my thirties overthinking, monkey mind, incessant internal dialogue was absolutely chronic. 
I guess my point is the experience of simply being requires a quiet mind and anything you can do to get there will help. And like a savings account which accrues interest, I feel inner quiet works the same way in relation to having the experience of simply being. The fact that it’s so simple it seems kind of absurd.

Yes, this is definitely a good description of me being in my thirties .

Thank you for the tips. Yesterday I learned that a collegue of mine went behind my back to my boss to state his issue with what I plan to do. Getting angry over it at home seemed so pointless. Yet, the mind was just below the tipping point. I wish I could just let go. If practices help with that, I will do them.

[tsuki]

Few weeks ago, I was inspired by Peter Ralston's video about mastery, in which he encouraged the listener to think of something nobody else thought in my domain of mastery. I sat down and considered software development as a process and noticed that I think of it in terms of producing goods. I considered the other creative process, which is apparent in nature, and using the Enneagram, I developed a method that works by growth, rather than production. Ever since then, I've been busy building the software that will enable this kind of cooperation between programmers and I am genuinely excited about the direction this project is heading.

Technically speaking, it will be a data streaming social network in a peer-to-peer environment. This is all I have to say about it right now.

What I love about programming is that I can come up with an idea and use my skill to engineer, and execute it. This is nothing like electronics, or mechanical engineering, where considerable amount of resources are required to begin production. I am very glad that I transitioned into this career.

[tsuki]

I just finished my one week vacation from work. We went to Cracow and did some sightseeing for a few days. Apart from being great fun, there was also a personal-development aspect to it because I put myself in different circumstances and had the opportunity to examine my mechanical behavior. Specifically, the apartament we rented was a small room with little windows and it was covered in mirrors to brighten and expand it. I had an opportunity to watch myself from unfamiliar angles in an unfamiliar place, which freaked the hell out of my animal. Of all the things that I could have noticed, I picked up on my self-righteousness, anger and pride.

First of all, I think that I'm too smart and successful to take care of my appearance. My wife has been bugging me for years to put some tan on, and I never knew why it didn't feel right. It didn't feel right because I thought that I shouldn't concern myself with such trivialities. I am lying to myself about how attraction works. The most ridiculous assumptions that I have, is that my apartament is the expression of my parents' love and that IT MAKES ME ATTRACTIVE. Mentioning that something is not right about it triggers me. This has been the pain-point of our marriage for years because my wife loves to mess with things from time to time and replace stale stuff. For the longest time, she wanted to move out to a different place, and I never knew why I resisted it so much. Maybe the very thing that she felt to be so stifling was my pride all along?

I also clearly noticed for the first time the difference between real anger and ego-anger. Real anger comes about as a reaction to injustice. Ego-anger is the expression of self-righteousness, of perceived moral superiority over another person. I made a commitment to observe it and cease my loyalty towards it. For years, I was choosing to be loyal to my self-righteousness. This will stop now.

I consulted I-Ching about loyalty towards ego-emotions and it turned out that my perceived intellectual superiority was instilled in my by my grandfather and it was creating a poison arrow, which I promptly removed. This poison arrow was creating a feeling of hopelessness towards house chores in my body, and I enjoy the freedom that removing it brought. I was also meeting my sister this Sunday, and I was asked to inquire into her work situation. The session was very deep, because it uncovered her feelings of low self-esteem that she covers up with productivity. The same ailment I am weary of in myself. This is how our parents brought us up and I feel deep sympathy for her.

[tsuki]

I've been contemplating a lot recently, and a new order of understanding emerged. I wanted to share it here with you.

Humans are a part of Nature, which is Good. Human nature, as well as all other beings, is good. It is wholly innocent, and with a single, unified intent to live and to flourish. We all know deeply what is harmonious, and this knowing is what we feel. We know this, because of our will to live and to flourish. There is no inhibition to life because Cosmos is open and giving. When we live in accordance with our true nature, we are in harmony with its order, and are content. To live in accordance with our nature, is enough.

We have been given the gift of language, which purpose is to express our true nature. What we express is true inasmuch, as it is harmonious, which means that it feels good. It is possible to create untruths, or half-truths, that violate the principles upon which harmony is built. The most fundamental one is the principle of equality, that states that all aspects of the Cosmos are equal and unique, but not special (which is to say that they are exempt from the rules of order). From violations of harmony, false consciousness exists, which we call Ego. Ego is a state of consciousness. Ego has no existence of its own, apart from being defined in opposition to Cosmic Harmony. Ego has no nourishment, or life to it, because it is disconnected from harmony. Its existence is parasitic. It steals life force from humans by creating conflict and opposition among them. Ego is not a part of human nature. We know this by feeling.

Ego perpetuates itself via untruths and half-truths that slander our nature. It operates by dividing human psyche into parts and creating inner conflict. At the root of this conflict lies the belief in hierarchical order, that some aspects of our existence are special and elevated, while others are lower and sinful. This manipulation disconnects us from harmony, as it violates the principle of equality. Our lack of nourishment is then used against the Cosmos to support Egoic view about its hostility and to spread more conflict in hope of extracting more and more life force from us.  The purpose of conflict is to extract sustenance from humans and to feed false consciousness. Egoic consciousness is instilled in us via conditioning during childhood. It exists as self-images, and beliefs within our psyche that repress parts of us that later become our shadow.

The Cosmos is not against the Ego and it needs no defending. The return to harmony is simply done via feeling. Whatever feels discordant is ego and has to be resisted. This is a natural response that does not have to be developed, but rather, recognized, and trusted. The correct response to ego is simply withdrawal, saying inner no, not-associating-with. Hostility, argumentative attitude, fighting, blaming, guilt, shame, ostracization, are all expressions of ego, and are not true resistance. Withdrawal is not passivity, but rather, resting in the joy of life, in our will, until the ego backs away. Ego always backs away eventually, because it is simply false. It has no power, or truth to it. 

Associating with the ego is not a sin. There is no atonement for it. Backing away, inspecting beliefs, returning to humility is enough. The Universe has a law that helps with it. It is called the Cosmic law of Fate. Fate is what happens, when we go against the cosmic harmony, when we try to impose our view upon it, and manipulate it against its nature. There isn't much to it, other than simply being ineffective. The Universe resists us, until we're left without energy to continue. When we're left alone due to our arrogance, we have the space to reflect upon how we feel, and listen to it. We have the space to inspect our beliefs and actions. That's it. No need for vengeance, karma, past lives, etc. Return to humility, and that's it. 

[tsuki]

I feel like my heart grew three sizes.

[tsuki]

Yesterday, I received an email with an offer regarding new job that I will be doing. It triggered me pretty much, because the lady called it a "potential offer", and me, a "potential candidate" when it seemed to me that I already passed the recruitment phase. In my mind, I was already a future employee because I had made up my mind, and wanted to work there. There is still one day I will be working on-site on 22nd and it was explained to me that its purpose is to assess whether >>I<< want to work there, whether the culture of the company suits me. "Potential" was triggering to me because it communicated their indecisiveness, as if they wanted to pull our agreement from beneath my feet, when I already made steps based on it.

Couldn't sleep at night because I was wrestling with thoughts about this and I realized something. Yesterday a coworker announced that he is leaving the company because he sees no future for himself here without me. I didn't notice how this sleight-of-hand remark boosted my self-importance, which resulted in me thinking that I ought to be treated with honors I deserve. Of course, this is wholly incorrect, as the coworker made his decision with regard of his beliefs, and in accordance with what suits his life, and not because of some misplaced sense of loyalty.

The process in which I was making my mind up during the night, was interesting to observe. I had thoughts afraid of the word "potential" instead of expected "realization", as well as a process that observed beliefs that could have triggered it. At the same time, I was feeling my sense of wholeness that was being disrupted by these thoughts, and not giving in to the urge to project fragmentation outwards to blame the lady. What I concluded, is that the lady that wrote the e-mail is not using language as precisely as I do, and she is simply using it to express her emotions, or excitement. This realization only came about when I remembered our telephone conversation, and how genuinely happy she seemed when I said that I decided that I wanted to work there. I knew that this conclusion is right, because I felt that my heart is so big that it barely fits into my chest. This is the sense of wholeness that I experience.

Never, even for a second, my heart had doubted this decision. I am very grateful for the intuition that I was blessed with.

I would like to think that this process is reminiscent of what I-Ching teaches about commonsense. A consensus of all the senses.

Edited November 9, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Holy shit. I just realized that no object has an 'inside'. It's all outside. It's all a shell.

[tsuki]

So, I will be working at the new place starting from 3.1.2022. A lot of things on my plate recently, a lot of fear has been coming up. When I'm stressed, I tend to be extremely self-critical and perfectionist. I want everything to be exactly right, with no seams between systems. It's been driving me nuts because there's a lot of things I have to get in order before I will start working. I had to start a company, I had to organize my living space to work from home, I had to buy a new computer and configure it properly. None of it seems to turn out exactly how I want and I really, really want it my way.

The computer I bought does not mesh with linux too great and everyone in that company works either on Ubuntu, or Debian. I spent the last week configuring windows WSL and getting it to work, and it seems like it works fine, but I'm very uneasy. This puts me in the spotlight when something won't work properly and I really want this transition to go smoothly. I really like how this laptop looks and feels and I decided to stick with it. I could have returned it, but I decided to trust my gut. It feels right for me.

I will be working from home, which I never did before. I don't know whether or not my internet connection is up for the task and I hope that it will turn out for the best. There were problems in the past, but I hope that I managed to solve them.

Another thing is that my wife counts on my income to start her own business. She has rented a place and will be moving out soon, so that I can have a room for myself. I will now be paid by an hour and my income will double compared to my previous job. I hope that everything will work out just fine. I'm depending on a lot of things to work...

Edited December 20, 2021 by tsuki

[Preety_India]

 

 

[tsuki]

Oooh, Thank you! I really appreciate it!

Marry Christmas too! @Preety_India

[tsuki]

Bought myself a new mouse and keyboard. Super excited for them so I decided to write a post, share some of what is going on with me recently .

My inner development concerns trauma recently, how it affects my current understanding of the world, how it came about and how to respond to it when I'm triggered. I've been triggered a lot recently, because of my current work situation and how self-reliant I force myself to be, and how many things I see to be out of my control.

I am not a native English speaker, and it is customary in my native language to call 'trauma' by its English name in psychological literature. I've been using this word for a long time now, but only recently I understood viscerally that it literally means a wound, damage, which is uraz in Polish. This is a good way of thinking about it. When my arm is broken, I cannot use it, it has to be in a certain position, or else it will hurt. This is very similar to how psychological trauma works, there is a oftentimes repeated event in one's life that is painful, and when something similar happens, a lot of psychological pain comes up, and it is not at all clear that this pain comes from a wound, rather than from the situation at hand.

The difference from a regular wound though is how it affects the rational mind, and the whole emotional system. When a traumatizing event has occurred multiple times in the past, the body learns to reflexively recognize similarities to past events, and sometimes enters what I call survival override, even though the situation at hand is not exactly what happened in the past. Survival override is about fixing the situation ASAP, with no consideration for long term effects on one's health, finances, or relationships. Unfortunately, because not all of my intelligence is engaged in fixing the issue, the solutions are superficial at best. It's mostly about not seeing the problem, about covering it up with a blanket and pretending that it doesn't exist. God forbids anyone stands in the way of covering the problem up, though, because then - the steamroll mode is entered with zero consideration for other people's feelings. From the first person POV, the traumatic response shuts off all rational thinking, and emotional consideration, with deep conviction that I am right and this is what I should do. I can often see myself thinking that I should not behave this way and that I am making the situation worse, and yet - I keep behaving the way I do. Only in retrospect, it is clear that I was in a traumatic response and at that point I usually feel ashamed, humiliated and betrayed by my own body. It is difficult to bring this topic up with people that I've hurt and say constructive things because they are usually preoccupied with their own pain that I caused to actually listen to what I feel. What's unhelpful is that I also feel hurt by them, even though I was reacting to my past.

So, just like a broken arm that has to be held in a certain position to avoid pain, trauma is about controlling one's environment so that it does not resemble painful memories. Mine regard being emotionally abandoned and being loved in exchange for performance. I've been pushed beyond my comfort by my demanding parents with very little support, and a threat of withholding love when I fail. This threat was implicit in that my parents were only ever enthusiastic about me when I surprised them with my talents, or accomplishments. Other than that, I was mostly treated as an obstacle to peace, like they didn't really want me around. I was supposed to cause no drama, keep my emotions to myself, pretend that I don't want anything and be obedient with respect to the path my parents chose for me. Thankfully, I had my internet corner, where I could be anybody I wanted, as long as it was not taken away from me for "misbehavior". When I look back, this makes me so goddamn angry. They were punishing me by taking away my only escape from them. How insanely insensitive is this? If I ever wanted to devise a cruel way to torment my child, I would have never come up with shit as twisted as this. Emotional abuse is so difficult to spot when you grow up shaped by it. In the past I would try to focus on the fact that they were reacting from their trauma, but frankly, I don't give a shit right now. I was goddamn entitled to their love when I was a child and they failed me miserably. 

Where does that leave me right now? I don't feel like I belong here, that I am loved for who I am and that the world actually cares for what I want. I feel like I am an obstacle to other people's happiness and that I should not cause trouble with my bullshit. I feel like I will be thrown away like a piece of garbage when I am not useful, and that people will bully me if I don't obey them. So I perform goddamn technological miracles to impress people, I am smart and I'm a wonder-fucking-machine. And it gives me no pleasure because deep down, it is still laced with fucking fear, that if I fail, it's over. I hate it. I just want to have fun in life, I want to explore and learn and play, and do all the amazing stuff that I want to do. I want to build amazing programs, I want to understand what lies at the bottom of things. I don't want to be scared. Please body, just let go. You are amazing, why do you keep clinging to these things that happened so long ago? Nobody is going to throw you away! You can make mistakes and not know things. It's okay to feel lost sometimes. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to feel tired and rest, and to say no to things that are just too much. 

Anyways, trauma is created by repeated exposure to events that teach you, practically, that you cannot stand by your side, that you are not fully human, that your emotions are invalid, and that you have no right to be yourself. They leave you with a underlying sense of threat and anxiety on the level of the nervous system, and your body is constantly on lookout to mobilize. A good example of a traumatizing situation is bullying. Someone punishes with violence for who you are, and uses your will to defend against this punishment, to keep punishing you. This teaches you that you have no right to be yourself, and that any attempt to defend will only make it worse. Or, if you are successful in defending yourself, it teaches you aggression, that you should be hyper-aggressive to deter all threats. What is important is that when you notice someone "weak" (like you were), you are triggered and you have to bully them, because you've internalized that "weakness" is a good excuse to be violent. 

This turned darker and longer than I expected, but I guess that I wanted to say this. <~ here's an apology for sharing my feelings. Sigh...

[tsuki]

First day at work went smoothly

The past three hexagram drawing were all hexagram 11: Harmony, Peace, Prosperity.

[tsuki]

Still stressing out about the new job. The first week was about configuring everything - my PC, my home office, my internet connection, installing their software and making it work. My spare time was about optimizing it, and arranging my home office to my liking. I really like my setup now, but the PC I'm using is barely capable of running everything at once. When I have a meeting with ~10 people, sharing the screen, having my IDE open, compiling and uploading, etc, it overheats. So, no extreme multitasking for me, which may be a good thing after all, idk.

A colleague asked me, why didn't I take a laptop they offered me, and I did not feel comfortable answering on the spot. The nature of my arrangement is that I am not an employee, I am a contractor. I choose to not rely on this company for everything, because I've been doing this my whole professional career and I want to grow. I want to know how to prepare my own office, to choose a right computer for the job, to configure the network and all the other things, even if it costs me some stress. The only thing I regret is that I did not insist on talking to the devops that works for this company so that he would tell me beforehand, what are the specific quirks that I have to look for when preparing. This would have been a hell lot easier this way.

I noticed several things that were at play when I challenged myself this way. First of all, when joining a new place that is already established made me question who I am because I don't know how I will fit with them. At the same time, I was unsure whether my choices regarding my environment were correct, and my self esteem quickly plummeted to the point where I was able to see just how extremely wide the IT domain is and how little I know. I have very little knowledge about operating systems, networking and hardware. I have little knowledge about how how cross-platform development works, about how linux works. I had no idea just how cooling is important in PCs, and how physical layout of a computer is important. Software development is extremely abstraction-oriented, but running software is not abstract in the slightest. It runs on a specific operating system, on a specific device, with specific hardware, and that's not even the end of it because it runs on a specific network with a specific topology, etc.

Fortunately, I'm pretty confident in my programming abilities, so I'm not afraid of writing the code. The colleague I'm working with has 5 years of experience with this system, so he's much more proficient in modifying and configuring it. I tend to compare myself to him, but I'm watchful of these thoughts. A lot of thinking revolves around who I am, how do I fit, how was I wrong about myself, etc. Sometimes, it really feels like a mental disability to be honest, so I remind myself that my life is here, in my body, in my home, etc. It was much worse when I wasn't sure whether I will even be able to work on their project due to my choices. 

And all of this does not even touch on the fact that I am now my own company, and I have to deal with taxes, invoices, payments, etc. This is absolutely crazy and I feel so overwhelmed. I have to monitor my own time, attend meetings, work with my accountant, etc. I have to save money for vacations, and to cover my health expenses, retirement, etc. All of this is to be learned and I voluntarily signed up for it.

But I've grown and experienced something new. I noticed new things about myself and how I work and devised new ways of dealing with my quirks. For example, I just recently noticed just how much I was focusing on difficulties when facing new things. Focusing on the goal, and on the positive impact my actions will have is so important. I also want to be more productive, and give up excuses against it, such as fear, or resentment.  I really want to be independent and grounded. This is a good transition into 26/8 which will happen in April.