2021: 25/7, self-reliance and grounding

[tsuki]

I think I understand now why Tenet made it into this week's highlights. It taught me what determinism feels like, how it's like to actually experience it.

[tsuki]

On 14.01.2021 at 2:54 AM, Guru Fat Bastard said:

Truth is beyond the mind just as the mirror is beyond the reflected images that appear in it. The reality of the images is the mirror, but the reality of the mirror is not an image. The mirror exists independently from any of the reflected images. In other words, this Presence is both immanent in the perceptions and transcendent in their absence. The belief that it is only immanent is ignorance, the experience that it transcends the mind is enlightenment, and the actual continuous experience of both its transcendence and its immanence is self-realization.

Amazing quote!!!

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

For the past week I've been grieving. Not able to gush out any creative energy at work, just barely making it through, crying in my car on my way back home. Honestly, the pain I'm connecting with is so deep within me that I basically thought that it is me. I am able to cry it out for the first time in my life.

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

IT TOOK ME 4679 POSTS TO GIVE MYSELF THE PERMISSION TO BELONG HERE

[tsuki]

I found an interesting use for the song auto-repeat feature that my mind comes with.

 

[tsuki]

Hi, it's been a while.

My mind found a way back here to this journal after I finally landed a visit with a rheumatologist. Not sure if I ever shared this here, but a lot of painful memories from my childhood have to do with many hospitalizations I had due to a mysterious disease in the ballpark of juvenilie idiopathic arthritis. After I came of age and was discharged from hospitals, I decided that I needed no medical care and started living as if nothing was wrong. Looking back, it was a necessary period to take care of my mental health and get my life in order, or rather: to allow myself to be messy. Now, I feel strong enough to go back and tackle this issue again because I've grown to understand that mind is not, in fact, over matter.

The visit to the hospital was pretty taxing on my psychology because it revived all sorts of mental states dating way back. Walking the hallways felt strangely home-ish, but at the same time, triggered abandonment fears and all sorts of helplessnesses. I walked into the office pretty broken down and regressed, and the doctor seemed distant and detached, which felt familiar and strangely reassuring. Facing her conjured a mix of fear of my symptoms being ridiculed, with feelings of deep dependency upon her. Now that I'm writing this, I realize that I must have tried to form attachment to doctors when I was alone in hospitals. I think so because the feelings I had towards the doctor are very reminiscent of what I feel towards my mother. Thankfully, she wasn't my mother and she was gradually opening up as I was describing my history and symptoms. The most difficult part was plainly speaking about the connections I saw between my psychological state and the pain in my body afterwards. I was sure that she would dismiss it as me being a hypochondriac, so I made sure to stress beforehand that I was 6 years in therapy after I left hospitals. Thankfully, she didn't ridicule it and I felt brave enough to tactfully share my suspicions about fibromyalgia. When I said it, she opened up even more and said that it was also her first instinct, but we need to run tests to rule out other diseases first. I know that there are no tests for fibro and this is the standard way of proceeding. I even opened up enough to share that I used to do LSD but had to stop once I learned experimentally that it aggravates autoimmune disorders.

The following days were pretty difficult because the stress increased inflammation in my body so I'm in pain as I'm writing this post. My wife accompanied me to the hospital because she knew how difficult it was for me, but failed to consider her own traumas. She learned to be codependent on her mother and took a hard hit when her mother was hospitalized with kidney problems when she was about 10. Back then, she sympathetically fell very sick with fever and her father whom she hated had to take care of her. The hospital visit was the first time when she was fully exposed to the extent of my illness and went through several panic attacks during night. I did my best to support her, and after some convincing, she finally gave in to call her mother during the night so that she would soothe her. We only understood the connection between her childhood trauma and my visit to rheumatologist today morning, so this story is linear only in retrospect. As it was happening, it was very chaotic, but I'm proud that we did not jump to each other's throats in times of stress, but supported each other.

Yesterday I decided to ask the Sage to cure my illness and I developed hexagram 47/33 changing lines 2,3,6. As usual, it points to my father as being the source of autoimmune disorders in my family and his materialistic thinking that demonizes the body. This time, however, I'm starting to see the programs that I inherited in this regard, but it's still very murky. Will introspect with RTCM for the next few days.

-------------------

I would like to thank @Preety_India for pointing me towards the right direction. Your input in the other thread was invaluable. Thank you!

[tsuki]

Super important 

https://youtube.com/channel/UCR3yCTTgjOOHVyx0NGdfmVQ

 

 

 

[tsuki]

Yesterday, I did a 14-km round-trip with a 12 kg backpack. Pretty interesting and intense tbh. Unfortunately, I was not able to sleep out because my sleeping bag was too warm. I was also concerned that I will not have the strength to go back home if things got dangerous. I think I will have to sleep someplace closer and perhaps venture out later into the day so that I don't second-guess myself after I set the camp up. Anyways, my concerns about strength were not confirmed because I woke up well-rested, with sore muscles.

This is the first time I was able to set a proper camp and I learned that good setups are modular and easily modifiable. First, I set a mat and a pillow, then, I clean the leaves and set the poncho underneath. After that, I set the tarp up, and only then I get the sleeping bag. This process took at least and hour because I'm pretty tired after the walk, and I need to feel the area for the proper camp placement. Also, what is very important is the order of items in the backpack. Stuff needs to be packed as if I were disassembling the camp: first the sleeping gear, then the tarp and lines, then the clothes and poncho, then the food and water. This way, there is minimal awkwardness when accessing items. I bought a new backpack, Karrimor Sabre 45 and I'm very glad I did. I don't have to convince myself that I like it and it packs very well. It is also modular so that I can buy side pouches and extend it capacity for longer trips. I will have to buy a summer sleeping bag though, preferably a British military one so that it combines with my current to form a winter variant.

I also started reading "The Fibro Manual" by Ginevra Liptan, M.D. Fascinating book about fibromyalgia. As it turns out, this is a hypothalamus disease that locks the sympathetic autonomous nervous system into a constant fight-or-flight response. The symptoms have two primary causes, which are deep sleep deprivation, and digestion problems. The pain comes from lack of proper muscle detox during deep sleep which causes the immune system to flair up and aggravate the fascia, which has a lot of pain receptors. During the trip, I was afraid that the labor would cause a lot of pain so that I would not be able to make it back home, but thankfully I had no issues today. 

The rheumatologist gave me some vitamin B and D and I started helping my sleep with some valerian root extract. I will probably start supplementing GABA with glycine, and maybe some form of magnesium to help with RLS.

Also had a date with my wife. I think we've got commitment down for the time being and I'm finally starting to grasp what seduction and passion are. It was pretty successful.

[tsuki]

 

For the longest time, I wanted to pinpoint something within my experience that would be a good indicator of the fact that I am experiencing stress. Unfortunately, I was not able to find it, but yesterday's date, relaxation techniques, and my recent re-introduction of a stress-measuring smartband taught me the feeling of being relaxed. This is a very welcome feeling that I rarely experience. Relaxation has a dream-like quality to it, as if reality was a good dream, in which I anticipate future with openness and hope. The visual field is different, as if it had a filter that makes colors more vivid and has some sort of woven quality to it, as if edges were accentuated with threads of various colors - mostly blue and red. The face of my wife has a crystalline quality to it, perhaps even god-like. Sigh, I'm in love head over heels. The date was a huge success. 

Anyways, when I was contemplating in the forest, I was able to access appreciation for fibromyalgia. The Sage has confirmed that this so-called disease is supposed to teach me to appreciate viewing reality through various perspectives, which has been my goal ever since I remember. In order to master it, I have to practically understand many areas of life such as: stress, sleep, digestion, brain anatomy, the autonomous nervous system, the lymphatic system, hormones, psychology and many more that I'm currently not aware of. It basically requires me to live a healthy, balanced life, or else I will be in pain. This is the perfect teacher for a person raised by a single-minded father that pretends to be a purely rational disembodied mind controlling a flesh-puppet. I am genuinely grateful for this guidance because I would not be otherwise able to get out of this frame of mind. The craziest thing is that many of the things that I pursued in life are in alignment with what I should be doing to alleviate my symptoms. There are things that I avoided because I lacked proper motivation such as regular formal meditation sittings, or analyzing my food intake, but now I'm excited for them. The biggest thing that reduces fibromyalgia symptoms is proper sleep quality, so I established a helpful routine last week and I already see measurable improvement. The garmin smartband I bought last year proves invaluable because I can finally see that the big stress I'm experiencing, as well as rapid body energy drop are actually symptoms of fibro. I can also compare my sleep patterns to my wife's as a control group and I can tell the difference from today's comparison. Despite having twice as much stress during sleep, my wife had twice as much deep sleep as I did (her 45 min vs 25 mine). A coworker shared his sleep patterns today and he was complaining about lack of deep sleep despite having like two hours! He did have a different device though so his milage may vary. It's pretty interesting that I discarded this device last year because I thought that I was way too inaccurate, but I accepted it given a new theory.

As for the sleep routine, I went for:

• going to sleep at 21:00
• electronic device curfew at 20:00 (phone, tv, pc)
• vitamins, supplements
• handling the dishwasher and locking the apartament
• for one hour total: deep breathing, aum chanting, journaling on my remarkable 2

I especially like the aum chanting because it combines deep belly breaths with vagus nerve stimulation. Vagus nerve is connected to parasympathetic nervous system and it governs, among many other things, speech-related muscles and coils around my voice-tube. Parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for relaxation and stimulating it is pretty damn effective. I was able to lower my smartband stress measurement down to 5 yesterday, which is remarkable given that I usually idle at 50-60. I could also incorporate inducing the gag reflex with my toothbrush into the routine, but my bisexuality shame is holding me back for the time being.

Very exciting times indeed...

Edited July 5, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

 OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY AND HOPEFUL FOR THE FUTURE.

NOT BEING IN CONSTANT PAIN IS AMAZING

Ignoring pain TOOK SO MUCH ENERGY. 

Edited July 6, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

For whatever reason, number 7 is associated with legal issues and right now, legal issues are plenty. The owner of the company I'm working for has been arrested, as well as some people that I work with. Few weeks ago, the police entered our office and took hard drives of most employees, but not mine, thankfully. It's been a rollercoaster here and my psyche was all over the place yesterday. I had a chat with a few coworkers and it calmed me down a bit but I need to consider my options and probably make myself available on the market again.

The relaxation routine was very important for the past few days and it is working very well. Apart from yesterday, I was able to consistently lower my stress levels during the day, and my sleep has noticeably improved. I don't feel pain after I wake up, but I noticed that as soon as I get out of bed, my stress skyrockets. I decided to implement some relaxation right after I wake up.

The pace of the projects that I'm working on has picked up recently and I'm developing some interesting things. I really love modularity and the program that I'm working on is exactly the kind of problem that needs a modular solution. As a team, we're steadily transitioning to the second set of problems that our project hinges upon. We had enough time to consider the solutions and the only thing that is left, is to implement them.

I also bought a light sleeping bag. As usual, it is a used model, but hopefully it will be in good condition. It fits with my medium sleeping bag to form a winter variant, so I will be set for the whole year . I think I will have to consider entertainment during this weekend's trip because I may not be able to hold it together for the whole day in the forest. Perhaps, I should go later into the day so that I don't have the time to get cold feet? Will ponder this more.

[tsuki]

This place is so depressing.

Desperately shouting at the void and hoping to hear the echo.

[tsuki]

For the past week or so, I've been working on improving my condition with varying success.

I mostly stuck to my routine, but I gave in to TV (just to finish that one last episode) and of course, it showed up on my energy and pain levels. Been trying to rest in the weekend - even took a day off, but the weather is so hot and moist that it only ended up frustrating me even more. To rest, I basically have to lie on my bed and do ABSOLUTELY nothing. Not even write in my journal or read. Just breathe. Even that is not enough sometimes. I feel like I fail at the absolutely most basic task that human can do. I know that I'm not SUPPOSED to TRY to rest, but I can't help it!

Also been to talk to my parents about fibro and we ended up having a fruitful conversation. I feel that they understood me to some degree. They still don't want to hear why I was irritated and angry all the time, so I did not even try to touch upon this subject. I was confronted with just how limited my father is. Having my childhood fantasies be torn down is... I don't know how to describe this. Both liberating and sad, perhaps?

Me and my wife decided to have a truce and ended up acknowledging that the basis of a relationship, apart from personal sovergnity, is the willingness to do what the partner wants or desires, and trust that the partner will provide what I want. Thanks to this understanding, we're able to seduce each other like in the beginning of our relationship, by explicitly showing that we know what the other person dreams of. It was a difficult and emotional conversation, but I think we're on the right track. The fact that I acknowledged my disease helps me to understand her better. Having illness in my shadow created tons of judgement of rest.

I've also been writing in my personal journal because this year's experience started to condense into drips of wisdom. I am finally starting to grasp what are the qualities of awareness, what is perspective and how it relates to consciousness. I am very pleased with what I wrote and I constantly surprise myself how well put it is. Maybe I will try to send this to my Buddhist acquaintance that is interested in philosophy to give his opinions?

Edited July 19, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

https://bigfive-test.com/result/60fd3b5c70bbad0007136dbf

[tsuki]

 

Came to share recent events in my life with regards to enlightenment and other personal matters.

Took a week off work and did some contemplation. I was writing an essay on limitation and contemplating what it is in my direct experience. This has led me to a question "do things that cannot be experienced, exist?" which obliterated me. I made this thread to gain some insight into the matter and all the big boys came to help. I understood that I lost ground in my contemplation and started asking questions about things I have not experience of. In the process of tackling this question, I became conscious of the nature of abstraction and became acutely aware of how it dominates my experience. I understood experientially that every existence is unique and abstractions are a mode of thinking that is ultimately unsatisfying.

After some more contemplation, I started reading "the book of not knowing" with hope to gain more insight into limitation. I read it once in the past and gained insight that I am the absolute truth from the first few chapters of the book that outlined the principles of contemplation. With every book, I start by glancing over the index and seeing which topics resonate with me. For the longest time I thought that this particular book is ought to be read from back to back. I mustered the courage and went straight to the last chapter about the true nature of existence because it sparked the connection with the relativity and limitation. With Peter's written guidance, I started contemplating what difference is, and I realized that it is not a thing and it does not exist. Yet, at the same time, I became aware that difference gives existence to "things". I became conscious that the true nature of existence is emptiness. I also became aware that it is impossible to understand it and it makes no sense whatsoever. Whoever claims to know infinity is full of shit. The intellect is entirely relative and it cannot grasp Nothing. Only not-knowing can bring about consciousness of nothingness.

I was experiencing a lot of fibro-related pain at the time and I used this opportunity to contemplate what pain is. I quickly became aware that pain is an emotion and that true nature of emotion is survival and that survival is love, which is absolute. Again, only genuine, shocking, not-knowing can bring about this realization. I am Love, I am Existence, I am Nothing, I am Absolute. There is no such thing as a mind.

As of yet, I was not able to properly shock myself into seeing the true nature of time. Today, in a dream, I understood that I have a belief that the present moment is beyond and around reality and contains it like a box. I know intellectually that it is a belief, but I am not currently able to access genuine not-knowing in this matter.

On a more personal ground, my relationship with my sister rekindled after we spoke about numerology. I offered to show her more about it thanks to the books that were suggested to me by my friend @Zigzag Idiot. For the past two weeks, we've been meeting and I started teaching her I-Ching and showing how to consult the Sage. I am very happy that we are able to connect again and I will not let the ego appropriate this Cosmic Gift.

[tsuki]

With regards to my contemplation of change, I became conscious that change is an illusion. Change is when something is, and isn't itself. Since existence is an appearance, so is change. This is obvious when one is conscious that the present moment is not "something".

For the past few days, I was bugged by the question of perspective: "How is it possible that I perceive reality through my eyes, and not through eyes of anybody else?". This question was especially disturbing since I am conscious that my existence is an appearance. After I rejected solipsistic thoughts about me being God and creating everyone else, the mind gave in and I considered that I do not, in fact, perceive anything at all. Neither does anybody else. I thought that whatever is in front of my head, is less nothing than what is in the back of my head. It isn't. It is the same nothing that I don't perceive through your eyes.

Also, I understood that is this forum is not a platform for learning, but a social media for sages. @Leo Gura is an influencer.

 

[tsuki]

I kept contemplating the fact that I only perceive reality through my own eyes, and I realized that knowledge, perception and emotions are constructed purely for the sake of self-survival as a body. This is why "I" don't perceive anything through the eyes of others. There is also nothing specific about being this particular body, it is just that knowledge is local to it, and is essential to its survival. I am no less everybody else despite the fact that I don't know what they do. Knowledge is entirely relative.

When I contemplated what else I can survive as, I pondered the possibility of surviving as humanity, or as life itself and I would have to find it in my direct experience. For the time being, survival as humanity is somehow centered around language. I will keep hammering at it.

Also, Gurdjieffian idea of Biospheric symbiosis came up. I seem to be conscious of the origins of this knowledge, as complete understanding of the Self. Enneagram is truly a magnificent tool. I wonder whose survival it facilitates. 

I-Ching is also a very potent tool for expanding my identification as a Self. I always had issues with the belief systems it passed on, but I can now see why they were necessary. Very, very clever.

[tsuki]

kingwen.pdf

Interesting exploration of relationships between hexagrams.

Edited August 16, 2021 by tsuki