2021: 25/7, self-reliance and grounding

[tsuki]

Every time I skim over one of my journals, I notice that the opening posts are very peculiar and dependent on the circumstances that I'm facing at the time. Yet, I feel that I somehow have to provide a long-stretching vision for the future that I will work upon. I hereby release myself from this need and wholeheartedly embrace my peculiarity, with the full trust that the Unconscious guides me towards liberating my true self.

This year, I want to put my effort into becoming more self-reliant and grounded. I want to let go of any egoic attachments that under the guise of safety, give me reasons to put off living for later. This includes money, status and pride. I want to dedicate more time on self-reflection, as this year's number is 25/7. I want to experience living in nature, hiking, bushcraft and contemplation. I want to spend the night outdoors, relying only on my personal equipment and skills and develop the capacity to spend 3-5 days out. I do not seek extreme situations and I do not seek physical death. I love and respect my body and I want to spend time with it, learning its ways. I want to learn to enjoy limitation, being something concrete. I also want to create an anchor to this world that will allow me to be more balanced with respect to my work and my family. I want to be more grounded, deliberate, alert, aware, awake, cautious and conscious.  I want to give full expression the repressed nomad within me. I want to start a youtube channel where I will share my peculiar mix of spirituality, philosophy, engineering, programming, bushcraft, herbalism, learning and introspection. I want to deepen my connection with the Sage and become a worthy student, firmly resting in the beginner's mind, without falling into false humility and pretense. 

This year, I want to embody my Idiot fully and live according to the true meaning of the word paradox, παρά-δοξος.

Edited January 5, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

GOSH I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

I was so overwhelmed when the shop that sold me gear told me that the gore-tex hardshell is not available in my size. I started thinking and I figured that I will buy myself a waterproof poncho with a synthetic liner on top of the softshell instead. I figured that it's much more versatile and it protects my backpack from rain. I guess that I will learn whether it's a viable option soon. I'm consuming so much information on bushcraft right now, I can't wait to get my gear! SO EXCITED!!! Haven't been this happy for a very long time!

I figured that bushcraft dovetails with so many aspects of my idiocy. I feel like this is a very important piece of me that I've been working to discover for such a long time. I have this philosophy of working upon the world from inside out, gradually extending the sphere of my influence. Now that I found the inner source of love, have my mind in order and feel great, it's time to get in touch with my body. I've learned that the most important thing in camping outdoors is again, basics. Clothing. A sleeping bag and shelter. Backpack, tools and skill. All of this starts with your self-knowledge, and choices are made in relation to your skin and your interior. SO EXCITED!!!!!

Even learning all of these things theoretically, I can already feel just how weird our normal circumstances are. I feel like I discovered clothing for the first time in my life. This stuff actually starts to make sense! Someone spent time and thought this through lol. 

[tsuki]

Ohohoho, my toys arrived. Can't wait to get back home from work

[tsuki]

I decided to end my therapy today. This topic came up a few times before because I felt ready to be on my own. The most significant development that I have undergone is that the critical inner voice is no longer the dominant force within me. Thanks to my therapist, I now have a supportive feminine voice that stands by my side that I can rely on. I am also able to understand my current feelings in the greater context, especially when I'm overwhelmed. Another thing is that my intuition has opened up a lot and I am more attuned to my feelings and boundaries. When I asked her to summarize what she saw change within me, she agreed and also complimented a trait of mine that I did not pay too much attention before. It is true that I am grateful for many things that happen, even the difficult ones, and that I am open about it. I want to work on expressing my gratitude more.

As for the toys, I have very mixed feelings. The boots are perfect. I mean, top-notch, very comfortable and nice looking. Gloves, socks, beanie, all perfect. The axe surprised and disappointed me a little because it was heaver than I expected and I find it quite dull for a brand new item. The backpack on the other hand... very mixed feelings. I mean, the backpack itself is not too worn, the colors are quite good, i quite like it, but it was somewhat dirty and sticky for whatever reason. It was covered in some kind of white powder on the inside, or maybe the rubber coating started to turn to powder? Dunno. But damn! I found an ancient fucking worn pair of socks, briefs and a PCS british t-shirt inside! FUCK. So disgusting! I feel as if I found a dead rat inside... A part of me was like barf, and the other part of me was like hmm, a free t-shirt, can I wash this? Nope, disgust won and it's in the trash. Scrubbed the fucking hell out of the backpack under shower and now it's drying on the radiator. GOD I HOPE THAT I WON'T FIND SUCH GIFTS IN THE SLEEPING BAG. FUCK. Already wrote an e-mail to the shop and told them to double fucking check this thing. I also hope that the gore-tex bivy for the sleeping bag won't be as disgustingly sticky as the backpack. My pride is itching so much right now.

Anyways, I have mixed feelings of disgust, excitement and being deeply touched. I hope that the backpack will dry out by the morning so that I can test it in the field. I hope to take the axe to the forest and see if I need to sharpen it. I was wondering why there are dedicated stones for axe sharpening, but now I get it. The axe is too heavy to sharpen it against the wetstone. A knife is much lighter so handling it is easier. I will have to maneuver it somehow tomorrow.

Edited January 8, 2021 by tsuki

[kag101]

Have a great year!  

[tsuki]

13 hours ago, kag101 said:

Have a great year!  

Thank you man, glad that you found the new journal of mine  Have a great year too!
____________________________________

 

Took my gear for the first tramp.

I wanted to check how the boots fit and they are absolutely awesome. Never had anything like that before. I can walk in any terrain, rocks, water, mud, and they work perfectly. Wool socks work really good too, no blisters and my feet don't overheat and I get no moisture. The only drawback is that I'm not accustomed to walk in something this heavy for long periods of time and my muscles are sore after two hours of walking. I noticed that when my body wants to rest and I'm past my limits without realizing it, my brain starts to play fragments of songs on repeat, using my steps as the tempo. I will not become a proper wanderer merely by buying stuff online. This takes some stamina.

The backpack is... well, still mixed feelings about it. It became much more comfortable when I noticed that I installed the frame the wrong way and it did not fit my spine very well. First time walking in a backpack that has a waist strap. Took me some time to figure out that the shoulder straps can't be too tight or else I carry the weight on my back instead of my hips. I can't make my mind about it. I don't like the way it looks, but I feel good when I ask my back about it. Still need to work on my posture though, because it does not work well with my hump and I can't keep my back straight for long periods of time just yet. The backpack is much more pleasant when I gave it a solid scrub, but it still needs work in the frame pocket. I really don't know why on Earth did it smell this way. After I washed it, the cardboard it was shipped in smelled so badly that when we went to do some shopping and came back to the apartment, it felt as if someone threw up when we were gone.

I wanted to try to make a fire, but everything is so wet that it didn't work. I grabbed the wood from the trees and made some feather sticks, but they were damp through and through. Probably should have looked for even bigger branches, or maybe even a small dead tree. I got severely disappointed with the axe, I was mostly breaking the wood instead of cutting it. Everything was so damp that even birch bark didn't help. My zippo lighter didn't work in the cold and I failed at using the flint. I made some sparks, but the fire did not catch from it. I should probably tone the difficulty down and first get any fire started before I start to play with flint and steel. Especially because it is pretty wet and cold right now and I don't want to discourage myself too early.

Also important to note: neck warmers are much more important than I thought. 

All in all, I enjoyed experiencing my body and my limitations today. 

[tsuki]

I had a difficult Sunday and I could not put to words why. I was pretty upset for some reason and didn't go to the forest today. I gave a nice scrub to the backpack cover and dried it out on the balcony to get rid of the smell. I think that I cleaned every nook of it by now and I decided to go for the detachable pockets that came with it. For the whole day, I was upset about the gear and I did not know why exactly. I want this gear, and yet, there is something wrong with it. A holder came with the backpack and pockets and it was the most upsetting thing in the whole package. It was supposed to hold the detachable pockets together so they would form a mini, 20 liter backpack when combined. The most devastating thing about it was that there were patches of nylon in all of these items where soldiers would write their names to identify their equipment. In this holder, however, someone sprayed it black. When I talked with my wife about the today's stress, I finally got it. Nobody has ever loved these items before. Ever since I understood this, I feel better. I tend to underestimate my sensitivity sometimes. Anyways, I ripped the sprayed patch off and my wife will help me sew a new one on. These items will be happy. I want to restore them so that they will serve me well.

I managed to sharpen the axe yesterday. It took some time because it was so dull that the wetstone didn't work too well. I learned that axes can be sharpened by filing. I did finish it with the wetstone though.

Decided to not kick my ass over not going to the forest today. I feel that I should go because I invested money into the gear and I don't want to be ridiculed for it. Of course, it's all in my head so I simply stopped forcing myself. My muscles are still sore from yesterday's tramp and I don't want to push myself too hard from the start. This is supposed to be pleasant, after all.

Edited January 10, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

The smell has been bugging me a lot for the last two days, to the point that I even feel disgust at work. After pondering this for a while, I figured that it probably is a covid side-effect. I already have felt burning in my nostrils when the air is too dry.

Still waiting for the next delivery. I hope that it will be better.

[tsuki]

I didn't realize how much I relied on my therapist as a backdrop for my confidence. Now that I'm alone in this, I feel that on one end, my world has expanded dramatically, and on the other end, there is no authority to validate my actions. Not that my therapist did this, but I felt that she was the adult that I could come to for support and now I feel like I'm alone in this. It's both scary and freeing. Still settling into this predicament.

[tsuki]

Delivery arrived! Pretty content with how it turned out tbh.

The gear is set and ready, just a few general appliances left and I'm ready for the weekend. I was pretty surprised that the poncho liner didn't come with an opening for the head because I can't figure it out how to wear it? 

[tsuki]

I've been pondering value, money and investing for the past few days and trying to integrate with my current self-understanding. 

To me, value is what the mind does when it decides that something is beneficial for a chosen purpose, which is survival most of the time. In other words, it's a belief. Now, money is something we use to represent value. If I satisfy the needs of one person, I will receive a representation of the value that they believe my service has provided to them. I can then use that money to receive service from someone else.

The fact that money exists has several pros. Firstly, it gives me the ability to decouple the services that I provide from the services that I receive. Secondly, money is divisible, so that I can provide a very valuable service to one actor, and receive service from many other actors. The other benefit is that I can de-couple the provided services in time. I can provide a service one day and receive it in another. This is how money, in of itself, is valuable.

The issue for me is that I get lost within money. I mean, I tend to value money itself more than the things that I can do with it. I use that to feel pride. The rationalization that i always come up with is that I'm "prepared" for the future, in case unforeseen difficulties arise. This rationalization is superficial, no unforeseen consequences have ever come up. The existence of the need for pride is rooted in how I was raised. My father would hoard his money and spend it however he wanted, and he convinced us that we don't need it. When I started to make my own money I would unconsciously pick up on it and follow his footsteps. While he did it for his own reasons, I would hoard money so that I can feel proud of myself, fulfilling my father's expectations. The stories about why I want money became quite elaborate to be honest. I would imagine investing, or starting a retirement fund, etc. These are all valid reasons, but they require actually doing something with money, and I don't. The truth is that I'm afraid of spending money, of losing it. When I have to use it, I don't feel good that I was prepared at all. Whenever the opportunity presents itself, I want to save up, but I'm not glad that I do so, but rather - I think that I should have saved up even more. All of it is very unsatisfactory, so I decided to get rid of my personal savings in favor of shared ones and see how it's like to be free.

I'm writing this because my pride started to act funky recently. For example, I would push myself to learn how to use flint and steel and start a fire in snowy conditions. I would use that to feel proud and "prepared" and turned my interest in bushcraft into a pride funnel. This weekend, I will go to the forest and start a fire with a lighter, and will take some paper with me. I want to have fun rather than be prepared. The weekend will be cold, -5:-10 during the day, and up to -15 during the night, so no sleeping outdoors this weekend. It will be a good test for the clothes that I bought.

 

[tsuki]

In the spirit of getting free of my pride, I bought a new bed with a NASA-grade mattress. My fucking God, this thing is amazing. I think that for the first time in my life, I was excited to fall asleep. I usually postpone it for as long as I can. Now that I think of it, it might have happened because my previous bed sucked ass? Dunno.

Usually, with mattresses, there is a trade-off between softness and rigidity. Rigidity supposedly helps with back problems but is less comfortable, while softness helps the mattress to adjust to your body so that it is more comfortable. This mattress is soft and rigid at the same time. It has a layer of springs underneath a thick thermoactive foam that becomes elastic when heated up by the body. The foam has memory so that when I lie down on it, it adjusts to its shape and I feel as if I were floating in the air. My back smiles when I think of this feeling.

[tsuki]

Went for the second tramp yesterday. This time, with full gear, took me 5 hours to return.

It was difficult to get out of my awesome bed in the morning, but my wife asked me to buy some groceries at 7 a.m. and when I saw the snow in the darkness, I decided to go. I rushed the preparations because I wanted to go out when it's still dark, but the breakfast, coffee and packing took too long. I forgot to pack the flint so I had to buy a lighter on the gas station.

I attracted attention in the forest and it was shown differently in various age groups and genders. Boys were kinda interested, adult men would avoid eye contact, while older guys would look with a mixture of admiration and envy. Women, on the other hand... this tells a whole tale about a "soldier" fantasy Polish women have. Women my age would hold eye contact, smile invitingly and most of them would even say hi, which is very uncommon. Teenage girls would look away embarrassed. The older the woman, the bolder their behavior would be. I passed a group of three hikers, probably 70 years old, and one of them would outright comment on that I am a soldier and engage in a conversation. I was actually talking to two of them, one seemed wiser than the other. She seemed like she knew the ropes and asked me if I were to stay overnight. She quickly withdrawed because the other seemed like she regressed down to a teenage girl, but was not going to be ashamed of her feelings . As slow as I am in these matters, I thought that she was picking on me and got pretty pissed for some time afterwards until I connected the dots with the other encounters in the forest. I could have asked her if a soldier sole her heart in the past .

I found a great spot for a camp amidst some young pine trees in deep forest and rested for about an hour. I sat against the tree stump and admired the silence. The clothes were pretty comfortable, but the softshell got kinda wet although it dried quickly. The biggest issue was, unsurprisingly, my cotton underwear that got soaked and did not dry at all. I will have to spend some money on synthetic underwear. I regularly wear long underpants and I was always wondering why nobody sells "good quality" underpants. Of course, nobody sells it because "good quality" meant cotton to me lol. That would be a disaster.

After some time, I began to feel cold so I decided that I will gather wood and try to start a fire. I collected some bark from a dead tree beforehand, but I decided to save it to practice with flint at home. I easily found suitable small, dry, pine branches and even found a dead tree, about 5 cm in diameter. I chopped the tree with an axe, but I got scared of how loud it was. It's illegal in Poland to gather wood and start fires and I was pretty close to a forest nursery. This is so fucked up, really. Our law and lawmakers are completely nuts. I am a criminal for bringing a stick home.

I decided to just practice using the axe and made some fire feather sticks. I can't chop wood for shit, it looks way smoother on youtube, I wonder why that is. Carving with a knife went much better and I made one stick that would probably be enough to start a fire. I lighted it with the lighter I bought and felt accomplished . I was pretty scared to stay there for a longer time because of the noise that I made, so I decided to pack the camp and go deeper. Unfortunately, I was pretty tired at that point so I did not go too deep, but the view was awesome.

On my way back, a car wanted to pass me so I tried to move to the wayside, but the road was covered in ice and I fell, supporting myself with my right arm. When I got up, I immediately fell again, on the same arm. I can feel the arm today . Pretty sore overall, mostly the front and back of my thighs, but also arms, especially the right one. When I was walking, my right groin would hurt like when I was young, so I took this opportunity to learn how to take steps more comfortably. I settled for something similar to how I tango, taking steps mostly by moving my calves by rotating my knees. The groinn was hurting because the boots are pretty heavy and picking them from the ground wastes so much energy. There is a considerable difference in walking on a road from walking through a forest. The latter is much more tiring.

I will have to prepare myself for the next weekend, because my desire to go out is pretty fickle. Over the week, I will have to decide on items that I will buy, both tools and edibles. I bought a different poncho as the one that I currently own is pretty worn. I also can't use the map compass for shit. I though that I will do better given how much time I have spent in ArmA as a kid, but I did not have the patience to figure how this thing works in the field. I will also have to buy a thermometer and some other appliances. Packing ahead of the time and organizing the gear is so important. My inner nomad is so excited about it! I also thought about doing some exercises to strengthen my thighs and knees during the week. My shoulders could use some work as well. It's getting dark quickly so I can't go out during the week.

Edited January 18, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I finally was successful in lighting a birch bark with a flint . I will have to admit that I did that at home, on a frying pan, after many tries . My knife is probably dull on the back and that's why I can't get enough sparks. 

I finally managed to sharpen my axe with the wetstone properly. When I was learning this, I noticed a few things about sharpening that eluded me before. I can use the water to monitor which part of the blade is in contact with the wetstone. Thanks to this observation, I was able to understand that the axe is not ground radially, as the shape of the axe head would have me believe, but the grind is flat and it's much easier to sharpen this way. The other change is that I learned to change the grip of the axe depending on the side I'm sharpening. The third change is that I lock my arms and rock my whole body when I sharpen the blade. This way, I can grind a constant angle and I managed to sharpen it to the point similar to my knife. Axes are scary, had I misused it in the forest and hit my leg by accident there, I would probably not make it out alive. Learning first aid will be very beneficial for my safety.

My right arm is pretty sore today, the fall was pretty straining. I hope that it will work by the weekend because my wife leaves in Friday and I will maybe sleep in the forest for the first time? That would be cool.

[tsuki]

Pretty overwhelmed atm. I had some difficult emotions coming up since yesterday, numbed myself down with sleep and facebook memes. Of course, it didn't solve anything, just made me feel worse and empty on the inside. Fought with my wife in the morning after she shared her plans regarding our home, said some nasty things to her. We were pretty inconsiderate for each other, but after some time we managed to have a good conversation that made me realize how overwhelmed we both are. I'm trying to manage my work, learn bushcraft, settle into living without therapy, have insights about my father, and I'm unable to contemplate what the Sage has taught me. She's trying to get off SSRIs, establish a habit of working out, manage the house, research stuff about running a business during the pandemic, plan the next purchases, and decide on the logo. All of these call for going deeper into myself, rather than float on the surface.

Today after work, I will sit down and contemplate with the Sage.

Also, yesterday when I went to sleep, I had a dream where my inner voice was screaming at my father for not being the support that she should have been for me. When I listened to this voice carefully, I was shocked and awed at the idea that the world is supposed to be anything. It was so foreign that it literally took my breath away. Then I woke up with the feeling of being cleansed of something, like after my recent awakening.

Also, I need to re-calibrate my goal of being self-reliant. This needs to be balanced.

[tsuki]

Haven't spoken with the Sage yet, but I asked the Helpers to help me make sense and order all of the things that I'm overwhelmed with.

Felt some sense of peace after it, I felt having a burden lifted off my shoulders. I spent some time today with myself and after all of this, it became apparent to me that these tramps are touching something deep within me and that they are liberating something. I do not understand what just yet.

[tsuki]

When I was contemplating my circumstances when falling asleep, a Polish word came up and I thought that it was important. The word is: anatomiczny.

[tsuki]

I think I get it. I was completely oblivious to the causes of these difficult emotions because this is new. I'm mourning because bushcraft is something I could have done with my father. This is the childhood I never had.

Edited January 20, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

This week was packed full of emotions and I think that I need to start to recognize that this will never be any other way.

First of all, I my recent fascination with bushcraft has triggered taumas regarding my father and I was mourning after the childhood I never had. It was especially difficult and confusing because I think that this was the first time I was able to consciously recognize these emotions and linked them back to my childhood. I did not know what I was looking at, but kept staring into nothing until it came to me. This staring into nothing has been something that I've been doing every time I'm contemplating something I don't understand and given enough time, I always seem to uncover and map the territory that is being revealed. This ties the week with its second major feature that was happening at work - we were trained in domain driven development. This is a wonderful paradigm for programming that comes with great tools for domain discovery and mapping. Its applications are huge, way beyond mere programming. It is actually a tool for extracting knowledge out of experts for the purpose of clean modeling. This is the process that will help me contemplate in the future. I hope to re-purpose it for self-discovery, to map the programming that I've been conditioned with so that I can free myself easier from it. 

The course was particularly touching because I was able to connect more easily with some of my teammates, as well as find like-minded, stage yellow thinkers. I was able to bond with the teacher and felt inspired to present the modeling, thinking part of me with no restraints. It was very touching to be accepted as I am, because I consider it the core feature of my mind. I was pretty amazing, having conversations with like-minded people without restraint. These were good programmers with a lot of experience and I am hopeful because I believe that my potential stood up for the test. I feel confident in myself because I was able to follow pretty effortlessly and was the biggest source of questions from the audience. I sometimes even felt like the course was done specifically for me and even become self-conscious a few times. It was especially difficult to distinguish when childhood grief was coming up during the course. I my abandonment wounds got triggered too, when the teacher got tired of my deep questions the third day, but I managed somehow. Today was the most exhausting because the whole course was so cerebral that I was completely spent. I observed at some points that my mind simply started tuning out and filtering the talk out.

The third most important feature is that I watched Nolan's Tenet. Very good movie, it bent my mind pretty well. Good supplement to the rest of the things. Actually got a mini ego death out of it today, when I rewatched it on top of the exhaustion from the course, and neglected, boiling emotions that were spilling after an intellectual week. I will have to spend a good chunk of time tomorrow on emotional self-care. I don't know whether I will be able to go to the forest, but if I do, I will drive some of the path. I decided that I should go deeper and I don't feel confident in my physical strength just yet. My wife helped me with modifying my gear so that I can use my poncho with the liner as a winter coat. It's gotten warmer, but I'm sure that it will come in handy during camping.

Exciting weekend to come.

I also have some insights about sexual perversions, masturbation and emotional regulation, but they will have to cook for some time before I will be able to formulate them clearly.

[tsuki]

I did not expect the impact of seeing a person that is cherished for things that I was rejected for. I can see clearly that analytical intuition is extremely rare and should not be cast before the swine. This is one of the gifts that I bring to this planet.

Edited January 23, 2021 by tsuki