Cycles of depression after Awakening experience while meditating

[Batzon]

It's been 7 months since my first and profound awakening experience. After meditation, I was in this state for about 5-6 days with 3 peak experiences of bliss and profound realizations through non-attachment. I thought to myself in tears "How could I have forgotten this?".

It was so profound and different yet so natural,  that my mind started to question my experience (it came back when I repressed tears of bliss because the third peak happened after I went jogging with friends, didn't want to make things complicated). Anxiety came up because of the repression of the upcoming bliss, with it my mind. The thought loop of "Am I going bipolar?" threw me into 7 days of anxiety and insomnia. The first night was the hardest. Signs of psychosis rose up, paired with hypnagogic hallucinations (auditory, basically thoughts that were not mine, like many different movies that are playing at the same time)

(I've never done any psychedelics, but states that came close to that anxiety were kinda trippy experiences with edibles)

Integrating this one might think, that I had 2-3 symptoms of a really grounded hypomania, but in this experience my mind was way less involved than in Maniac states. I knew no one would understand my situation and I just enjoyed the moment. My friend just told me that I appear much more happy and confident (I felt the most authentic, most alive and most peaceful for the first time, yet I knew this state would pass). It was more than an experience one would pathologize. I deeply wished this state/experience to every being, even the "worst" beings.

Now I've gone through months of depression cycles, and since 3 days, I'm slipping into my next one. I feel there's resistance, the first times I could work it out with faith. Now the depression feels different, it's not getting more painful (still can feel like an open wound tho), but I tend to have less faith since it's so exhausting and I can't see the end. I know in these states you can feel worries and despair creeping up, I can't help it, but I know it's only my ego kicking.

 

To my questions:

How does one cope with these cycles? I can't bear thinking about potential next cycles, I feel that I'm still in the beginning, I feel that I still have a lot to process. But it is getting really exhausting. Last time I didn't have stuff to do and could focus only on processing it, but now my university is calling me and I want to finish my degree so I can start my life.

How do you cope with unconscious resistance?   I agree with "surrendering is key", but I feel that everytime I cycle into darker phases again, something in me will kick and scream again. This is more of a background theme. Yet I think this is making it so much harder.

Why can't I convince myself that everything will turn out fine?  I still have the fear of becoming crazy, especially after some "psychotic" like states. (Had some dreams after my awakening where I literally lost my mind) There's a fear in me where I think about becoming crazy, like where I will be lost in my own depression with no way out.

 I'm certain most of the questions I can only answer myself (or I already know them), still if somehow had some similar of this experience himself, what would be your advice?

Edited January 5, 2021 by Batzon

[Moksha]

My best advice is to learn to discipline your conditioned mind. Do not trust it, and do not identify with it. It is relentless, and it will always try to pull you back into suffering, which it misportrays as reality.

Has your conditioned mind ever delivered on its promises? Has it ever actually given you enduring peace and happiness? If not, why would you believe it can do so now?

Peace goes infinitely deeper than your conditioning. It is only found in unconditional acceptance of who you are.

[Batzon]

Thanks for your answer Moksha.

Just watched the ego backlash video by Leo, I feel way more grounded now.

That's the thing, in the depth of suffering, doubt is always coming back. And I deeply know that too. It's just so hard not to get attached to it.

2-3 weeks before my awakening I had a dream where a voice told me that I would get sick but I would be healed. That's giving me much faith actually. I have to learn to accept and be mindful about the suffering.

 

[Nyseto]

What Moksha said. I'm going to elaborate, however. Do not resist or attempt to embrace your depression cycles. Just become more interested in that which is AWARE of them, that's all. All this crazy shit is going through your head but you're still here right? That's all there is to it. If you feel guilty realizing this, it's the same old shit. Be more interested in the awareness than the guilt itself. All these psychological terms you're using are only terms to help classify disorders. Identification with the mind comes with a slew of disorders. 

The cycles come and go. Fuck it, what remains? Focus on THAT. And then you'll find that even in the midst of the worst cycle, that awareness is still there. It is never affected, always free, always at peace. That is you. 

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Nyseto

[VeganAwake]

Be the Watcher of these emotions... no need to identify with them.

Everything you said is completely normal.

[lmfao]

@Batzon I've been unprepared or am blown away by what I experience through meditation as well. I think it's because if you experience a state very different from your normal waking consciousness abruptly, contextualising it is something which will fuck with your head since you experience very fundamental aspects of reality being different. 

But perhaps there is no "gentle way" with these things. When the floor you're standing on gets pulled away, well then you're in free fall. 

I think maybe the only thing to do is to learn from these cycles or whatever experiences. Slowly you might get better at not getting so volatile from meditation experiences and various shadow forces. I'm trying to learn and get better. 

[Batzon]

11 hours ago, Nyseto said:

 Do not resist or attempt to embrace your depression cycles. Just become more interested in that which is AWARE of them, that's all.

 

 

What do you exactly mean with not embracing the depression?

Isn't embracing the depression just fully accepting it and being aware of it?

 

Otherwise thanks for your answers guys

[Moksha]

I agree with Nyseto that it is important to allow whatever thoughts or feelings arise, without actively resisting them. Whatever you resist, you strengthen. 

Instead, simply observe them, without being defined by them. It is like sitting by yourself on the back row of a dark theater, and from that distance, casually watching any thoughts or feelings flow across the screen of your mind.

It's even better if you are able to let feelings come and go, without labeling them. For example, notice what "depression" feels like in your body, then drop the label. The next time it happens, hmm...there's that feeling again. Allow it to enter, notice it without being drawn into it, and notice when it leaves. Don't give it any more attention than that. Focus most of your attention on the space around the feeling. You are sitting way back in a dark theater, all by yourself, with that little feeling making is way across the screen. You are not the feeling. You are the moviegoer.

Also, don't fall into the trap of chasing the bliss that you felt earlier. Anything that you run toward, or run away from, is an attachment that will ultimately make you miserable. Your natural, unconditioned state is inherently peaceful and joyful. There is no need to seek anything, because you already are infinitely abundant.

The more you practice this, the easier it will become. This is why meditation and mental discipline are critical, even after you have awakened. The Buddha compared it to swimming upstream. The mind has tremendous gravitational pull, but the more you exercise vigilance, the better you will be at swimming against the current. Be the Michael Phelps of meditation ?‍♀️

[Batzon]

2 hours ago, Moksha said:

 

Instead, simply observe them, without being defined by them. It is like sitting by yourself on the back row of a dark theater, and from that distance, casually watching any thoughts or feelings flow across the screen of your mind.

 

I like that analogy.

About chasing the bliss, are there any ego traps one should be aware of? I was more into shadow work and about to embrace the dark and depression to work myself through, could this be a desire to feel the bliss again too?

[Moksha]

2 hours ago, Batzon said:

About chasing the bliss, are there any ego traps one should be aware of? I was more into shadow work and about to embrace the dark and depression to work myself through, could this be a desire to feel the bliss again too?

The ego trap of chasing bliss is that it distracts from who you really are. It is a fool's gold promise that never delivers. Anything you chase will inevitably disappoint, because by its nature it will never last. The only way to sustain peace and happiness is by realizing who you are: changeless Consciousness.

Dark night of the soul is common for people when they first awaken. Just because you see clearly, doesn't mean all of your attachments magically dissolve. You still have to develop the discipline not to be fooled by your conditioned mind. The ego desperately needs your attention in order to exist, and the closer you get to killing it, the fiercer it will fight for survival. It is a sneaky bastard that will even play dead for a while, until your attention is momentarily diverted, and then it springs back to life with a knife at your back.

If you find yourself desiring bliss, that is a red flag that you have already fallen back asleep. Your natural state as Consciousness is already here and now, you just have to open your eyes to it again.

[kag101]

That does sound like a hypomaniac episode. 

On 04/01/2021 at 9:42 PM, Batzon said:

Why can't I convince myself that everything will turn out fine?

Because they might not turn out fine. Bipolar is a very serious illness. If you don't take any action (that is, going to a competent psychiatrist), then chances are, your mood swings are only going to get worse over time. 

[Bodhitree]

14 hours ago, kag101 said:

That does sound like a hypomaniac episode. 

Because they might not turn out fine. Bipolar is a very serious illness. If you don't take any action (that is, going to a competent psychiatrist), then chances are, your mood swings are only going to get worse over time. 

Beware that going to a psychiatrist will likely cause them to label you as someone who has experienced drug-induced psychosis, and they will prescribe antipsychotics, which you can refuse. Most psychiatrists are just pill-pushers.

That said, if symptoms persist then six months of peace and quiet on antipsychotics may be a better option than wrestling your way through. Just beware that coming off antipsychotics is not always easy either.