Nowhere To Go

[Domwik]

Hello Everyone, 

Here i would like to share one of my pages from my journal i have wrote recently:

I dont even know what to say, i feel like whatever i do, it goes nowhere and starts nowhere. I could explain where i have started or what have i experienced, but its not important at all.

 

Now, the biggest paradoxon in this whole self-actualization thing is, that there is no way, to achieve something here, there is no way to get to that point where I realise, that there is no me, because i am already there. I just cannot see it. I can understand it, i can logically understand, even talk about it for hours if it would be necessarry.  Now, it would be a concept,( in case it is already) if we would just talk about it, or even just to think about it, because we have to experience it.  

 

 Here comes the problem. I cannot  get to the point where I experience it, because I am already it. I am already there. I am already experiencing it but i feel like im just not aware about it.  Its like a running competition, where the start and the finish, is the same point. You have nowhere to  go. You cannot go anywhere.

It feels like im stuck.

 If i sit down, and im trying to be mindfulness, and completely relaxed. I realize, that im actually trying to achieve something here. See, the trying and the idea of getting somewhere is already makes it impossible to just be. I see, that there is nowhere to go. Im trying not to try. Which is completely stupid. If im going deeper, i try to let go the desire of trying not to desire to desire. And this goes on, until i kind of feel it goes into the infinite. So there is no way for me to even get deeper, because there is no such thing as deeper. What is deeper anyway... its just an illusion what i created for myself. Im like a dog chasing his own tail. Im watching myself, watching that i am watching myself.... and so on. 

Here is an example for the problem:

I know, that if i sit down to meditate, im actually fooling myself, since: If i say, allright, im gonna meditate,  just to let go the desire , then im controlling it. If i meditate, for letting go the desire to desire...i want to let go again. If i say, im not gonna meditate, just because i dont wanna control it, then...it's the same thing, controlling again.  If i sit down to meditate, and i say, im just doing it for the meditation itself, then im doing it because i want to do for itself.  The wanting is still in the process. Im totally confused. By the way, its not just with meditation. It's with everything. I can even sit days without doing anything, nothing, and laughing on it, since its not gonna end. There is no end.  There is absolutely no way. You are at the beginning and at the end and everthing.

 

I feel like i have no idea, what the hell is going on. Like i cannot even do anything, because im just watching myself, and i'm questioning, what am i doing actually? And why do i do it. Do i want to achieve something here? And why am I even questioning this? And why do i even question this question? And this one? And this one?  And this goes on and on and on...

 

It truly feels like, i am my own biggest and worst enemy. I am fighting against myself, an illusion, that i think i have to fight with. I see, that if i would just let go the fight, because its totally idiotic then i shouldnt fight at all.  You know, when you are at karate class, and you are practicing shadow fight. An imaginary enemy against you. Thats exactly how it feels. You know that you will never beat him, because you cannot be better than yourself. And there is it again, the willing of the fight is the key. And not the fight itself.  But....somehow i just don't understand how can you just give up, because giving up somehow also like a decision.

You know what, this whole thing... that i understand, that i DON'T understand, makes me feel like i understand nothing. Im nowhere with this, i didnt get better or worse, nothing actually changed, there is nowhere to go, you cannot get better in this. Either way you see that you are the experience, or you dont.

 

With this, that i have wrote this whole "chapter" im trying to control again, because im trying to understand it.

Again a stupid thing, because im doing again something, instead of just being it. But actually im already it, even if i say im not being it. I mean what the fuck, what is this. I could go on, analyzing it for months...years...it leads nowhere. Its like telling someone to start to "live". This person would look at you, without moving and doing anything, and he would do exactly what you have just asked from him. He cannot do it. Because he is already alive...living.  You cannot do it actively, you are it already. And it happens in the now. Start to live, ye he was born at some point, but... its actually also the now. He is not doing it. He is it. Like everyone..., and everything.

 

Feel free to write your opinions, and thanks for reading.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Domwik

[cirkussmile]

You are doing it too much! Thinking.... All that text is thinking and if you feel like you are loosing your mind that is a good thing. 

Meditate is really powerful! Do as you want but I would recommend that you meditate everyday no matter what. Expect nothing and give it time!

[Shin]

Stop expecting anything, it will happen sooner or later if you keep meditating and practising mindfulness and self-inquiry everyday.

Your wall of text is about the want of being enlightened faster, maybe you don't realize it or accept it, but that's what it is about.

The want should go, the conceptualization should go, and the expectation of doing or pursuing something should go, otherwise, yes, you will never be enlightened.

[Domwik]

Both of you are talking about things what makes no sense for me. How can you do something to much. Either way you do something, or you dont. You can say, you are trying to much, but thats actually just only trying, because you are always comparing the trying itself to something else, for example not trying at all. Just as your eyes cannot be too much blue, or your hair cannot be too much black, you cannot do something too much. Have you ever tried to live too much? . So if you say you are trying to do something, compared to do nothing, its endless times doing it more than doing nothing. So just a question, how much you actually try compared to  doing nothing? I cannot find an answer other then endless times more...

 Another thing, there is no such thing as should go. It goes or not. Second, You cannot become enlightened. There is no such thing as become enlightened faster.... you cannot become it, because you are it already. There is no faster, or slower. You are it, every moment, from the beginning, to the end.  For example, You cannot become a living individual, you are it already right now. If we are the Truth , you cannot become it, you can only be aware about it or not.

[Shin]

Do you realize that you're only rambling here ? It's just thinking for the sake of thinking, you're literally filling your head with questions that can't be answered just for the sake of asking yourself something.

That's compulsive thinking, you're litterally filling your head with thoughts, because otherwise your ego would feel empty.

Keep meditating, at some point you'll stop having compulsive thoughts, do it on a daily basis, otherwise it's pointless and inefficient.

If you don't see any improvement in 3 months, seek a professional, it could be some serious mental issue.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Shin

[Domwik]

Your ego cannot be empty, because it doesnt exists. Cant you see, that whatever you are doing, is actually leading nowhere. There is no doing, what can lead you anywhere. There is no way, literally you have to die, to see that there is no meditation, or teacher what leads you to the enlightment. Its not a state, or a way of being....it's all that is. You are already there. We are all it.  You just have to be aware of that. There is no 3 months, or even a lifetime i would say, that can teach you how to go there. Because theres is no path, just the Now, the pure existence. You can think about it as you want, or we or the whole universe, but its just a concept. We are just playing with our egos. Just like we are talking to each other right now. It doesnt mean antyhing. Nothing. Right now, that im writing this to you, means nothing. You can see or understand what i write, just the way i understand what you write, but even the fact that you understand something, is actually keeping your ego alive. 

With this, we can actually delete this whole conversation, even the forum, because it doesnt matter. Nothing can lead you anywhere. You are it and there, and everything. The question is not what to do... the question is how to not to do.

[DoubleYou]

1 hour ago, Domwik said:

Your ego cannot be empty, because it doesnt exists. Cant you see, that whatever you are doing, is actually leading nowhere. There is no doing, what can lead you anywhere. There is no way, literally you have to die, to see that there is no meditation, or teacher what leads you to the enlightment. Its not a state, or a way of being....it's all that is. You are already there. We are all it.  You just have to be aware of that. There is no 3 months, or even a lifetime i would say, that can teach you how to go there. Because theres is no path, just the Now, the pure existence. You can think about it as you want, or we or the whole universe, but its just a concept. We are just playing with our egos. Just like we are talking to each other right now. It doesnt mean antyhing. Nothing. Right now, that im writing this to you, means nothing. You can see or understand what i write, just the way i understand what you write, but even the fact that you understand something, is actually keeping your ego alive. 

With this, we can actually delete this whole conversation, even the forum, because it doesnt matter. Nothing can lead you anywhere. You are it and there, and everything. The question is not what to do... the question is how to not to do.

It seems like you're very strongly judging the ego as something wrong. It's also part of the now. 
We are indeed playing with our ego's. Let the play unfold is what I would suggest. 

You say that the forum doesn't matter, but that's also a judgement from ego. With that statement we could just delete entire existence because it doesn't matter. Fact is, even if it matters or not, it's there all the same. Why fight it?

Acceptance is what you're looking for. Start by accepting/loving the ego as a part of the human experience. Not as a broken mechanism that needs to be gone.
 

23 hours ago, Domwik said:

I know, that if i sit down to meditate, im actually fooling myself, since: If i say, allright, im gonna meditate,  just to let go the desire , then im controlling it. If i meditate, for letting go the desire to desire...i want to let go again. If i say, im not gonna meditate, just because i dont wanna control it, then...it's the same thing, controlling again.

See how you are judging everything the ego does. That's the ego itself. Observe the fooling of yourself. Observe the controlling. It will keep on doing these things. Accept that. Don't fight it. Or if you can't do that, accept the fighting against it. Always take a step back. This way you keep disidentifying from it.  

23 hours ago, Domwik said:

It truly feels like, i am my own biggest and worst enemy. I am fighting against myself, an illusion, that i think i have to fight with.

You are your biggest enemy. But that can be observed and therefor accepted. Love it, laugh about it. Eventually that fight won't last. Because how can anything fight something it doesn't mind?

23 hours ago, Domwik said:

With this, that i have wrote this whole "chapter" im trying to control again, because im trying to understand it.

Again, accept that there is an ego that is trying to take control. Don't try to stop controlling. This is such a subtle thing. 

I've been exactly where you're at after I had my first awakening experience. I was getting so damn aware of all these things my ego is doing. Everything became so damn obvious. This is a great step. You've become aware of the mechanism. Now it's time to disidentify with it, yet still allow it to be what it is. You can't expect ego to die off just like that. It's a slow learner, eventually it'll calm itself. But in the meantime, become friends with it.

Hope this helps. 

Edited September 29, 2016 by DoubleYou

[Christian]

I have an exercise from the book called "the book of undoing" that may help you. Pick an object, it could be a lamp, a tree, whatever and look at it with your full awareness for a period of maybe 5 minutes and ask these questions: 

 Is there actually a self looking at the object? Is there any division in reality between you and that object in reality? Is there even an object and a perceiver? Who is aware of the object? Sit and ponder these questions.

I could give you the answers, but that will not help you much in your search because all answers are by definition more beliefs. What counts is your experience as it will reveal the truth to you.

[Domwik]

I know this exercise. Practicing it.

Ok i will also give you an exercise, here it is:

Go to a taxi driver, and tell him to bring you always there, wherever you are. 

Easy as it sounds. He will either way bring you anywhere, or he is not gonna move at all, and he is going to do the exact thing what you have actually asked. You could travel for a "lifetime" without realising, that you cannot arrive. You are there, always, being. 

Then you realise, that you are the driver itself. In fact, there is no driver, everything is what is. And the whole asking is totally useless, and keeps your self focusing, instead of being, just being aware.

About the lamp or tree techniq: Which answers you want to hear? That there is no lamp, or that you are the lamp, or that the lamp is not a lamp for itself, because its not aware of it or that in reality there are no objects, everything you see is created in your mind. Whatever you want. We can try to explain a nondimensional experience, with a linear way, (our language) but its simply not possible.

Have you ever realized, that nothing is real without awereness? Awareness is all what is. You cannot find yourself, ever. Its like seeing your own eyes. Leo once gave a nice example for it, with a cave and the  flashlight. How do you shine on the flashlight with itself. How do you cut a knife with the knife itself. How do you quench fire with the fire. You want a way, a method for it? Try not to want the wanting. Want the not wanting, or dont want the wanting. Whatever you like...

Only awareness can be aware of itself. Nothing else exists without it. 

Edited September 29, 2016 by Domwik