Beating Myself Up About Women

[lukmi]

Hello fellow self-actualizers,

I've come across a mental problem that has to do with dating. I am currently working on getting better with women. Sadly I face approach anxiety and almost every time I don't manage to approach when I go out to public places to meet girls, I begin to beat myself up about how everyone is capable of seducing girls but me.

The thing is that I never had a girlfriend or anything alike before cause I've been addicted to video games from the age of 11 to 16. (I am 18 now.) Hence I didn't socialize in that time and have hardly any experience with women. I worked out my social issues with friendships but this women thing is still nagging me.

That's just for my background, the actual issue here is the beating up. It also occurs when I read or hear that someone lost his or her virginity at the age of 14, or that people have had sex with X amount of girls/boys, or gossiping that he or she had sex on with whomever on whatever party, and so on. Actually many sex related topics disturb me, even though talking about this is totally accepted where I live. And I don't like that it disturbs me as it hampers my success with women and I really like black and disturbing humor.

So what can I do about that?
I know that many of these things that other people talk about are wrong and or boasting but my emotional mind doesn't care, it gets offended and starts to intimidate me.

So the ever-lasting cycle for me is:

1. I go out
2. I don't approach most of the times
3. I get upset or even angry about it
4. I go home
5. My desire for women comes back up at least one day later (mostly in the evening whyever)
6. Repeat

Yet I really want to tackle this women issue, I don't want to stay a virgin forever. Nor I want to have to deal with this again when my first relationship ends. And I'm going to college now so I have all the external resources I need. Perfect time.

What can I do to stop beating myself up?
Tips regarding dating are also welcome!

 

Thank you in advance and greetings from Germany!

[mikeyy]

Work on self acceptance and meditate alot realize that getting girls is like a gam that doesnt matter really and u always have this beautiful present moment

[kurt]

@lukmi

I think it's really important to get this handled because it's obviously important to you, and nobody can really self actualize until they have been there done that in most avenues of life.

Too many unresolved issues can lead to depression and then attempts to solve the issue through spirituality when all else fails. The thing is, trying to get these issues handled through spirituality is not going to work and only going to make the problem worse.

So you are right about wanting to get this handled asap and get it out the way so that you understand for yourself that ultimate fulfillment lies already inside you.  But like I say, that kind of journey within only really happens when the world is seen as a zero-sum situation.

For now, if you have not already, try to figure out your own values.

What are your top ten values for your immediate life goals?  What kind of person do you envisage being?  

Take your time with that, because it's important!

Look at your values regularly, update them, let your mind roam around what might be possible for you, something you really want from life.  Keep writing it in your journal and get a real picture in your mind of the kind of guy you think you have a right to be. This is your life were talking about, and you only get one life, one shot, so pencil in whatever you like.

Next you want to programme your mind with these values.  I suggest you take up a meditation habit first and get good at it.  Get good at relaxing your body with a 2 minute body scan, a pranayama technique, and sitting in the present moment resting as awareness.

If you get good at meditation you won't believe how quickly your problems will go away.  Sit in meditation and watch your thoughts.  Look at the thought, and hold it up in light of your highest values and ask yourself if this thought is something that is conducive to your highest purpose?

Accept that the thought is there, don't fight it, but don't agree with it either.  Just look at it.  Then pick another thought that you believe in and fits your purpose perfectly and burn that thought into your mind for 10-30 seconds.

Do this every time you get the feeling come back, just relax into your meditation and let your mind remind you of your values. Eventually with time your mind will just serve you thoughts related to your purpose automatically without you needing to do anything.

Lastly, offer your actions to life itself before you go out.  Offer them with the intention of serving the needs of the people in your environment instead of wanting to take something.  Then let go of the results.  Take whatever result comes as an opportunity to learn from the interaction.  95% of the time, if you offered the action with the right intention you will not offend anyone, but just incase you get a bad result you still wont feel bad because you offered it with the right intention.

If you get good at this you will succeed!

[lukmi]

@kurt

To be honest, most of what you wrote is unintelligible to me. Please explain!

 

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I suggest you take up a meditation habit first and get good at it.

What means being good at meditation? Where is the threshold to "bad" meditation?

I've been meditating for 4 months with leaving out 7 days. Still I got much mental fog going on and I realize how my ego is fighting the torment like a stubborn toddler that defiantly spits out his soother and rages around.

 

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If you get good at meditation you won't believe how quickly your problems will go away.

By problems you refer to my beating-up problems and not my dating problems, right?

 

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Lastly, offer your actions to life itself before you go out.  Offer them with the intention of serving the needs of the people in your environment instead of wanting to take something.  Then let go of the results.  Take whatever result comes as an opportunity to learn from the interaction.  95% of the time, if you offered the action with the right intention you will not offend anyone, but just incase you get a bad result you still wont feel bad because you offered it with the right intention.

For me, dating has nothing to do with serving needs of other people and not taking something. To the contrary! It has to do with creating a pleasurable situation for myself.

But I'm also not really taking something either. It feels more like I do an incremental change in the world by participating in the dating game. Yes, this involves giving, but it's purely motivated by my own desires.

Additionally, I'm learning that offending people is OK cause leaving the people-pleaser mentality is part of reaching my dating goals for me.

What would you advice me on that world view? I think it's appropriate.

Edited October 4, 2016 by lukmi