Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

As for my ex, I remember everything like it was yesterday, even though most of it happened back in 2020. I don't know where to start, maybe I'll start from the end where she broke up with me. As I look back now, it's clear and obvious why that happened. She had two main concerns before breaking up: 1) She comes from a Christian family and was afraid that I might return to being a Muslim. 2) She was afraid that I might be manipulating her and that everything I was doing and saying was just some cunning scheme that I was running on her.

Of course, the autistic idiot at that time did not know how to handle that situation. He was not sharp/educated enough to understand what's going on, what to say, or how she was feeling and thinking. Both concerns were legit, and the answer was very simple. She was asking questions on one level but really her concerns were on another level entirely. Here's how I replied to her: I told her that it is possible that I could return to being a Muslim, even though it's unlikely but who knows? That's for the first question, which was about a couple of weeks prior to break up. She was not really satisfied with the answer, but apparently somehow managed to force herself to. She probably thought we could work it out later on. As for her second question, she asked me if I was manipulating her, and I said that it is possible and that she does not/cannot really know. That was the fatal mistake. It's clear to me now that her question was not really about what she was asking. It was about trust. "Can I trust you?" That was her question, but the autistic idiot did not understand. The truth is that I did use some manipulation techniques on her. But that does not mean I was a predator. I simply was needy and just wanted some love. Well, partially. I've come to realize a harsh truth about myself being a predator later on, which I might elaborate on in another post.

So after me failing to provide her with groundedness, trust, and safety that she craved the most, she told me that she needs some time alone to think, ponder, and re-evaluate. I thought that was a manipulation tactic to keep me on the hook or whatever, so I posted a question on this forum and got some replies. Keyhole told me to give her some space and let go of expectations, which I did. A week later or so, she texted me with a perfectly respectful and decent breakup message. She said that she's just one page in my life's book, and that I should forget about her. Broke my heart, but I didn't reply or act on anything. I just absorbed the pain, and it felt terrible, like falling from a skyscraper, until I hit the ground.

That was supposed to be the end of it, but it didn't actually end there. A few months later, on a Friday morning my phone rings. It was her. At 8 am she is calling me. I thought it was weird. I picked up the phone and started talking. It was what I wanted to hear, but not completely. She missed me and called to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was alright and that I was just glad that she's okay. Then things started to get weird. First she started talking very quickly as if words were escaping away from her (flight of ideas, classical sign of psychosis). I told her to calm down, and she did. I asked her how is her studying going and if she was prepared, she said it was fine. Her exams were to start two days after. Then she told me that a certain person was my godfather (delusional thinking), I did not even catch the guy's name. Then she started telling me that she experienced ego-death and that her family took her to some person that gave her psychedelics (they took her to a psychiatrist and gave her psychosis medications). I started asking for details, and she said here take the person who gives me the psychedelics (it was her cousin, and he was giving her the meds back then). He took over from her and immediately started threatening me as if it was my fault or something. I was shocked, and started shouting back at him. I did not know what was happening. He cursed me then hung up. The first thing that came to my mind was that she was kidnapped by some terrorist group or something, so I was worried about her. I know it's very dramatic of me, but sue me. Maybe I was psychotic too. I tried to call her back for an hour or so. She did not pick up until finally. And when she did I told her to go to her aunt or someone that she trusts. She told me that it's okay and that she's happy with that person. I asked her do you trust him. She said yes. I was like okay, just be careful. Then apparently he took the phone away from her and hung up again. I did not know what to do. I was still thinking she was kidnapped, so I reached out to her best friend. Apparently, she was as clueless as I was. I stayed on alert for a couple of days not knowing what happened or if she's okay. Her phone was off the entire time. Then some stranger contacted me on Facebook and said he wanted to discuss her situation. I talked to him and he explained the entire situation for me. He was a psychiatrist who lived abroad, a friend of her father's, and wanted to tell me kindly to back off. I was like, what the fuck dude?! She contacted me after we were broken up for at least five months and you're telling me to back off?! Turns out he was misinformed about the facts. He thought that we were secretly talking the whole time and now we got caught. So I explained to him, and he seemed to believe me. He said that regardless of that, I might be the reason why she became psychotic in the first place, and that in order to help her recover I must stay away. I was not convinced, as I have some medical background and am somewhat familiar with the basics of psychology and psychiatry. He finally confessed that it's her father's desire for us to let go. I told him to give me her father's contact, and thanked him for his time and sincerity. Later that day, I talked to her father. He's a doctor who works/lives abroad in Saudi Arabia the whole time and only comes back home for one month every year. We talked for some time, and he seemed like a jerk. I did not like him at all. He wanted to blame me (and Actualized) for what happened to his daughter, even though it was entirely his mistake. The amount of pressure he put on her to ace school was crazy. I'm sure he still does the same till this day when she's in college (pharmaceutical). Anyway, we talked back and forth and I asked him why he was opposed to our relationship. He said religious differences were the main reason, and then he went as far as to threatening me with the police if I didn't back off. I told him to go fuck himself, as I hadn't done anything illegal. Apparently, he was just trying to scare me off. Eventually, I realized that this whole thing is simply going to cause me headache on the long run even if things worked out in my favor. After all, it's not going to be easy dealing with a person with a history of mental illness, let alone the familial differences, and other stuff. I realized that it was not worth it. And some part of me even gave up the whole idea and accepted the fact that she might never return back to normal. I accepted the possibility that her soul might have just disappeared forever while her body is still stuck here.

It literally totally destroyed me. This whole messy event, and everything related to it. It was a total nightmare for two complete days and nights. It felt extremely terrible, even worse than the original breakup, and for what? I still felt terrible for a couple more months until I went on that vacation/retreat in Tortoise city where I finally had my closure and final resolution. I buried the past in the ground and sealed it with magic in the form of music, in order to protect myself from it for the rest of my life. It worked, and I was finally healed. I don't feel anything for her anymore. It all stopped back then. And I was a free man once again. I don't regret any part of what happened, even though it crushed me, because getting my ego crushed made me better and stronger, as it always proved to do.

If you are reading this and you recognize me, I'm sorry that you had to go through that psychosis experience. And I'm sorry that you had to grow up without parents, with your father always abroad and your mother dead since you were little. But I can't take the blame for what I didn't do or directly cause. I realize how much of a needy scumbag idiot I was back then. But we were happy together, and we had a great time. It was wonderful being with you, cuz you are wonderful. But life goes on. I grew up a lot. And learned. I learned while I was with you and after that. Life does not stop for one person. Like you said, it's just one page of our lives, but the story goes on. I don't currently have the time or energy for relationships at the time. But even if I did, I would not want to get back together, cuz we are clearly on different paths. I know you didn't ask to get back together, but I can read you like an open book (or maybe I'm just crazy and hallucinating). I'm sorry that I can't be your friend, either. I simply don't want to, cuz I know it won't work. I hope you will have a great future ahead of you, and that you will find all that you seek outside of me. Good luck on your journey. You were nothing but good to me, but we are simply not meant to be together. Take care.

[Loba]

@Gesundheit2 I read this story and I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that.  Mental illness is really hard to handle, most people can't deal with it.  It's confusing, chaotic and can really take a lot of the other person's energy and time to have to deal with consistently.  It's a shame, because these vulnerable people are the ones who need it most, but we don't live in a world that has the proper structures put in place to nurture everyone who needs care to the degree that they deserve.

I'm sorry this happened to your girlfriend and to you, it sounds like it was really confusing.  You were probably so worried about her, and to have people make this your fault and to blame and push you away must have been very hard to hear.  I hope she is doing well in her life, and I hope that you do manage to open yourself up to another relationship again.  I get this feeling that you are nervous about opening up again, as I remember someone coming here to offer you love or to come to get to know you a bit better and you got anxious.  I don't know if you remember.  It clued me in to the fact that maybe there might still be some trauma there that you could look into when and if you feel ready to take up that task.

It's sad that just one bad/hurtful/stressful relationship can bring this in us.  As for your "predator" qualities - I know this about you, too, and as a friend I accept this side of yourself.  I think, being human, that we all have this to varying degrees and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.  The best you can do is be aware of it, and once you are, it kind of negates that part of you, as it is in the open.  What makes it worse is hiding it and not letting it air out.  I think some things are also integral in the personalities of men and of trauma victims.  That it just manifests in a certain way, but I wouldn't let any sense of shame overtake you for that side.

I'm in the same boat when it comes to relationships, I don't have the time or the energy, and I'm too insecure and damaged to be a reliable partner for anyone.  Sometimes I feel defensive about it, because I put my heart out there and I feel like people could take it the wrong way, that I'm looking for something, but it's more to just "open up", and I have this deeply romantic side to me that I've never gotten to explore and I wanted to see what I could make of it, what was underneath all of it in a controlled setting.  On top of that, I read stories like this and it gives me some insight into how the person on the other side would feel in dealing with my problems.  If I put that into someone and hurt them in the process, I would feel a strong sense of guilt that I would carry with me for a while.  I am respectful of people's time in that sense.  But a part of me does wish that there was more of an open place for people with problems, as they need the healing touch of love more than most, and yet in order to mitigate damages in a poorly structured society, they often get it the least.

A part of me thinks that God puts these vulnerable people here as a way to teach humanity how to love, but in some great sense, most of the world is failing.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba Thank you. I really appreciate your support and understanding.

I think for me it would not have been as severe if I was informed beforehand about the situation. But since I was completely in the dark, I could not make sense of what was happening, which was very confusing to me that I had to guess and make assumptions. Otherwise, I think I would have handled it differently (but still at that time not perfectly). I think I know how to maneuver such situations much better now, given the situation I had to go through with my sister not so long ago. I had to deal with mental illness directly, and was able to handle it correctly. My sister is now completely normal, without meds, and back to work. I myself have developed various degrees of mental illnesses that lasted with me for quite some time, and I might still have some more that I'm not even aware of. I don't think all mental illnesses are the same. I think it's a spectrum when they're untriggered (at rest), and some are easier to manage than others, especially with the proper preparation and education. It just takes a little bit of time, effort, and selflessness to deal with them effectively. As you can see, I don't have any resentment for the time we were together, and I don't even blame her for what her family did to me. It was not her fault. I was hurt because they were stupid and managed the situation poorly, and I'm sure she felt guilty, too, even though she didn't have to. I always admired her morality and decency.

That being said, I really have other reasons for not wanting to get back together with her, most of them have to do with my current financial situation (which is preventing me from wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm almost sure I will get back on the market as soon as that's dealt with), and others that have to do with compatibility. You may remember that I thought she was "The One" or my "Twin Flame", now I realize that these were mostly her ideas that I somehow adopted out of my extreme neediness at the time.

As for that person who offered love, I will do as you suggested and look for possible trauma triggers there. But as far as I remember, the main reason why I shut them off was because they were coming at me in a creepy way, reading all my journal entries, and thinking that they know me or that they have somehow "figured me out" just from reading some random thoughts of mine.

As for my predator qualities, I think I have learned to accept myself as I am to some degree. But what I'm not comfortable with at all is sharing that truth with others. I don't think that I should tell anyone any specifics because it would hurt my image. So the shame is basically working in my favor, and I'm not sure if it's the wisest thing to let it go. People automatically assume that being a predator is a bad thing, and it is to some extent, but maybe it also can be tamed. Thank you for accepting me without judgement. Most of the times, that's all what anyone wants to receive, just some unconditional understanding. It always astounds me your ability to understand others, and to put yourself out there like that in the open. It takes a lot of courage, and I might just not have enough, so I keep hiding.

Edited September 27, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Loba]

29 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I think for me it would not have been as severe if I was informed beforehand about the situation. But since I was completely in the dark, I could not make sense of what was happening, which was very confusing to me that I had to guess and make assumptions. Otherwise, I think I would have handled it differently (but still at that time not perfectly). I think I know how to maneuver such situations much better now, given the situation I had to go through with my sister not so long ago. I had to deal with mental illness directly, and was able to handle it correctly. My sister is now completely normal, without meds, and back to work. I myself have developed various degrees of mental illnesses that lasted with me for quite some time, and I might still have some more that I'm not even aware of. I don't think all mental illnesses are the same. I think it's a spectrum when they're untriggered (at rest), and some are easier to manage than others, especially with the proper preparation and education. It just takes a little bit of time, effort, and selflessness to deal with them effectively. As you can see, I don't have any resentment for the time we were together, and I don't even blame her for what her family did to me. It was not her fault. I was hurt because they were stupid and managed the situation poorly, and I'm sure she felt guilty, too, even though she didn't have to. I always admired her morality and decency.

Oh yeah, I remember that now your sister had some troubles surface for a while.  I was so proud of you with the way that you handled that whole situation, and her too for being able to come out of it.  I was worried for a little while that your sister would get very sick and would not recover and it was a joy to hear that she pulled through with the help of you and your family.  I agree with your points on mental illness, that it is on a spectrum and with it comes the duty of developing self awareness into one's troubles and once you do, the illness tends to sluff away in layers.  I'm glad that you were able to let go of the situation in a healthy way and move on without resentment.  Sometimes these things are a learning process, maybe this was your first step into that kind of world and if you don't know how to handle something and people are keeping you in the dark about the specifics then your reactions are completely justified and even still, you did your best.

32 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

That being said, I really have other reasons for not wanting to get back together with her, most of them have to do with my current financial situation (which is preventing me from wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm almost sure I will get back on the market as soon as that's dealt with), and others that have to do with compatibility. You may remember that I thought she was "The One" or my "Twin Flame", now I realize that these were mostly her ideas that I somehow adopted out of my extreme neediness at the time.

I hope you are able to pull through and work on your financial situation.  I am sure you will think of something, and I have high hopes that you will find a really nice woman, or two, if you choose that route.  I remember you mentioning that you felt polyamorous at times.
Oooh, haha, the twin flame connection - that's a real thing, I've felt it before, but I don't think it means what people think it means.  When I felt my twin flame years ago, and have connected to the source of that again recently, it wasn't a specific person that I could pinpoint, it was just a wave of "the masculine" and within that wave included all of the lives that the entity moving towards me had lived.  I imagine from the other side of that, I include all of my varying lives as well.  I think, the higher up you go, the more connected it becomes where it is literally just "man" and "woman" together in harmony.  These are the two souls split, the Adam and Eve, and so I don't think it is just one person, but that the energy of it moves through everyone.  When people find their twin flame, they are finding a part of that wave at just the right moment to wake them up and they pair bond to that person, but it is in no way just one person.  That single human makes up many more souls.  And I think, that once these primordial energies combine that they make up the One, which is God.  That is, of course, just my take on it.  When I got into the twin flame thing and put it onto a person, this caused problems.  It humanized something which should be a universal phenomenon.  I should have been looking for it from within and bringing it out into the atmosphere, rather than projecting it onto a person, this was my mistake.
So, to be honest, you probably have many "Ones" out there.

41 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

As for that person who offered love, I will do as you suggested and look for possible trauma triggers there. But as far as I remember, the main reason why I shut them off was because they were coming at me in a creepy way, reading all my journal entries, and thinking that they know me or that they have somehow "figured me out" just from reading some random thoughts of mine.

Oh, I see.  I didn't know that as I had just seen the one post and thought "pretty girl, maybe he would like her" and that's about all I really noticed.  To her benefit, I notice that I do that with people, too.  If I don't know them or they are inaccessible I might start projecting certain ideas about them.  This doesn't happen with people that I speak to organically, but it is something that I have become more and more aware of over the years.  When I do this, I tend to do so consciously, at least.  With the understanding that it might be unwanted or creepy, and I have a barrier that I can put in place to stop the behaviour on a dime if I end up being obsessive in that manner.  I will often do it for myself, where I tend to come to understand the attraction in the hopes of ultimately just resolving it in some way so that it doesn't come up again, with the understanding that I am projecting an image.  Maybe she just needed to go through that process, but didn't know that.  I can see from the other side, too, that if you are the one dealing with that behaviour that it can be annoying/creepy and unwanted.  How can someone offer you love, genuinely, if they don't know you?  It's interesting to me, as I look into my own assumptions, all the ways in which we can damage our connections to people through them.  Even as I write to people on this forum, I become more and more aware of how that plays out and feel a desire to let all of mine go - or at least relegate them to something of my own construct away from the world at large, if that makes sense.

47 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

As for my predator qualities, I think I have learned to accept myself as I am to some degree. But what I'm not comfortable with at all is sharing that truth with others. I don't think that I should tell anyone any specifics because it would hurt my image. So the shame is basically working in my favor, and I'm not sure if it's the wisest thing to let it go. People automatically assume that being a predator is a bad thing, and it is to some extent, but maybe it also can be tamed. Thank you for accepting me without judgement. Most of the times, that's all what anyone wants to receive, just some unconditional understanding. It always astounds me your ability to understand others, and to put yourself out there like that in the open. It takes a lot of courage, and I might just not have enough, so I keep hiding.

That's fine, if you don't feel comfortable sharing due to what people might think or assume that's completely valid.  I think one can let go of the shame, but also protect themselves against judgement/pitchforking from others by keeping it a secret.  You can know yourself well and still keep your secrets to yourself.  I've noticed, yeah, that people who think being a predator is bad generally they have only delt with ones who were not honest about it or working on it.  I've met a few who were open and honest, and they worked through it pretty well without needing to really act on it.  Or some of them did, but within consensual settings.
I totally get it - the energy that I work with from the masculine side of things is actually that very same energy that runs through men.  It's like an ancestral, primal part of humanity.  The energy is upfront about what it is, but that aspect of it isn't relegated to me as a person - it says it is simply the by-product of the collective of people's negative actions taken on one another and that it propagates and moves through humanity in that manner.  Almost like chaos, or a dark ancestral wound in the hearts of men.  But it isn't evil.  It's just a part of what's there, what keeps things in balance, you know?
It's okay to hide.  I put myself out there... for some underlying selfish reasons as well as positive ones.  The selfish one is that I have a desire to be "seen", but once that happens, it doesn't really fix the wanting, so I realize it's a craving that is similar to a hamster on a wheel, and the other one is that I like how things line up while using this format of the journal section, it really makes it easy for me to see my personal progress.  What I try to do to mitigate my egoic needs for being seen/exhibitionism is to get better and just focusing on my project as if I were the only one there, to really do my best to do it just for me even though it's public.  I'm not a narcissist, but due to everyone having a bit of that in them, the need to be understood/seen/heard is what ticks off my personal box for that trait.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba Thanks for the encouraging words and the interesting perspective. I am sure that my financial struggle will come to an end soon, it's even more certain than the sun rising tomorrow. Just "how soon?", I don't know. I was planning on pulling that feat off before the end of 2022, but it seems like my plan was not quite accurate, and that it's going to take some more time. I've come a long ways, and it won't hurt to have some more patience. Thank you again, and I hope that you have a great day/night.

[Loba]

@Gesundheit2 You're welcome, any time.  

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba I relate so much with your latest entry. How do you write with so much accuracy?! I want to have this skill! Like, most of the times, my intuition is on point, and I see most of this stuff that you described. But when I try to convert that intuition into words in order to point it out to others, suddenly my mind goes full Zen-mode haha. No words to describe what's happening, which ironically results in shooting myself in the other foot. I've been in that position a lot, especially here on this forum, actually mostly here and only with certain individuals. They keep repeating the same pattern with everyone, not just me. It seems that certain people have this pattern that is generally hard to deal with, and what makes it even harder is the social pressure that comes from the flying monkeys (especially when they're in power) that are completely disconnected from reality, for whatever reasons. Most people in real life get along just fine without much drama. It's just this specific type of people that is really problematic, and luckily they're really rare. Well, maybe not as rare as the word "really" might infer, but certainly rare (though maybe it's more common among women). The reason for that, I think, is that real life is a lot more complex than just an online platform where the real abusers get all the leeway and benefit of the doubt but none of the responsibility. In real life, you are a person with a story, an image, a pride, a tribe, a status, etc. Whereas online, you are mostly just a block of text, which is very easy to attack. Clearly, the internet has enabled and empowered a lot of vampires that are otherwise in real life mostly wimps and docile housecats (but not in a positive way, i.e. they're mostly suppressed by the undeniable truth that most people can see, collective justice if you will). I have thought about this many times before, and every time I arrive at the same answer as you, that I tend to keep forgetting. Just ignore those people, they are the problem, period. Let them dry out and their drama will eventually die out. As long as they don't get their kick from you, they will get bored and then leave you alone. Honestly, I would not put so much pressure on myself and try to take even more responsibility with them. I take all the responsibility in the world, but without them. I value truth, and don't want to lose my integrity in order to show some devil something that they already know but want to disturb just for the sake of disturbance. It's always a losing dynamic with those people. Either, win for them, lose for me. Or lose for both. When it comes to them, I haven't won, not even once. I haven't won with them, nor against them. It's never been anything else other than a complete waste of time, every time. And the focus and energy that they suck out of you, I just learned to value myself deeper than to waste my resources so carelessly on such fruitless entities. Taking responsibility started taking another shape for me. Instead of looking at the situation and trying to learn something, I learned to skip, as there's rarely anything there to learn. At least, that's what I would want to do, ideally. The reason for that, I think, is that often these people don't reflect a reality, but rather a delusion. It's quite tragic that they can even gaslight you into thinking that you're somehow the problem and that you need to take even more responsibility in order just to feel normal and fit in. I certainly have fallen into this trap. I thought I was the problem, and I tried to learn something, take responsibility, and even surrender my will to theirs. It just never panned out positively. The lessons that I forced myself to learn decreased my authenticity and turned out to be delusional even. Taking responsibility took from my sense of self and in turn decreased my self-esteem (or perpetuated/furthered my already low self-esteem). And surrendering my will made them feel correct. For them, it was the ultimate assurance and testimony that they were not the problem, so they felt even more comfortable not taking any responsibility at all, so in result they never have look back at what they have done or will do. Finally, I think it is healthy to care about what other people think to some degree, just not those people or their flying monkeys. Those are really irrelevant. Most people will have you become more sane and reasonable if you look into their opinions, because they often reflect a reality of some sorts, even though mostly mundane/material. So I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. There's value to what people think, maybe not necessarily a spiritual value, but they keep you on track with the mundane life so you don't fall off into scams, cults, delusions, etc. They keep you in alignment with common sense. Anyway, that's just my two cents. I hope you're doing great and that you will find a final resolution that none of this will bother you again (me too). Reading your posts gives me a huge mental boost and clarity. I guess that's one way to develop my writing skills. Thank you!

Edited September 29, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Loba]

6 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I relate so much with your latest entry. How do you write with so much accuracy?! I want to have this skill! Like, most of the times, my intuition is on point, and I see most of this stuff that you described. But when I try to convert that intuition into words in order to point it out to others, suddenly my mind goes full Zen-mode haha. No words to describe what's happening, which ironically results in shooting myself in the other foot. I've been in that position a lot, especially here on this forum, actually mostly here and only with certain individuals. They keep repeating the same pattern with everyone, not just me. It seems that certain people have this pattern that is generally hard to deal with, and what makes it even harder is the social pressure that comes from the flying monkeys (especially when they're in power) that are completely disconnected from reality, for whatever reasons.

Haha, I wouldn't say that I write with accuracy, but maybe just from thinking about certain things and coming to some well rounded conclusions on them.  I also have this really good intuition about these things, but don't always follow it, or I try and give people the benefit of the doubt or I let them mess with my boundaries until I flip out.  Happens more often than I would like to admit, but it does.
Yeah dude.  I have experienced this a lot here, too.  Even when in the worst situation of my life, about a year ago - around the time that you met me I was going through it.  I'm unsure if I want to discuss what happened fully or if I should let it go - like if opening up what happened to me during that time, if it will even fix anything, but the bulk of it happened during a moment where, if anyone had seen me in real life, it would have been determined an emergency situation - and instead I got parasites sucking on and feeding on my delusions, egging them on and then running when I am now healthy and seeking answers for that behaviour.  Instead of getting honesty, the truth of what happened is getting more convoluted in an attempt to avoid accountability for what was, basically, stirring the pot between a lot of different people, where none of those people were talking to each other and the only denominator was this one person's influence in the whole thing.

But beyond that, this website, I had sought help offsite from a trauma expert and I was paranoid and didn't trust him, and so he spent a literal year with his friend tearing down my psychology in public and it tortured me.  It might have been the thing that drove me over the edge.  As this was happening, I began to take every little thing from other people as a threat, because I had become unhinged.

Let me paint a picture.  Imagine losing your sanity and your health, having repressed memories come up and having no support system in place.  Imagine going to the doctor, to psychologists, trying to seek support from your family and your ex and your friends only to be blamed and abandoned and told that there is nothing anyone can do.  You, then, finally, find some relief in spirituality after accepting your death.  Now imagine, you reach out to someone online hoping they can give you the answer that will fix your state of being, only to be humiliated for it.  This ends up eating at you.  There's no where to go.  It's just you, your psychosis, and death looming in the background.  Every day.  For seven years.  You go to hospitals, your heart pounding out of your chest, your feet and hands turning blue, getting weak and numb, your mind can't think straight anymore.  There is literally no other option ahead of you other than to accept that you will die at some point.  Alone.

You spend your time on a forum, you make a journal and you write.  Your whole process, everything.  You find solace in the spirits who come to your aid, to try to give you some sense of peace with your situation.  They're your only friends.  You write, write, write - and the further you go into your own psychology, the more fuel these offsite bullies have.  They literally get into the very core of who you are as a person and turn you inside out, just for kicks.  Someone makes a comment about you, but you don't really pay them much notice.  It happens again.  You start to get paranoid.  Are they doing this to you, too?  Is this how it's going to be, from everywhere, with the only option being to go through this process?

You're stuck in between life and death - it's the only solution - to dig into the very fabric of who you are as a person, but the only option that you have is maligned and you're told you're wrong.  So not only are you told that it is your fault that you're sick, diseased, and traumatized, but that your death experience is something of a "bothersome quality".  You start to fight.  Everything begins to look like a slight to you.  You think everyone hates you at this point, you start to attack random people.  Then some person defends you and tells you that your delusions are correct.  You question them and this person attacks you for not following suit.  You are a person who is literally falling apart and being torn at from all sides, and told that you have to conform, that your problems aren't real, but you feel them every day, piling up, destroying you.

Eventually, you get bitter, you start to find slight in random things and this lasts for a long while.  It doesn't just go away on a dime, it takes a year after getting through this.  After going to a hospital, seeing many doctors, living with family and finally getting stable, only a year later do you have the chance to make any sense out of what happened to you.  Only to once again, be silenced for your experience.  That is gaslighting, and that is the quality of people that this forum represents.

And that is not to say that I don't feel like a shit head for my reactions in that state, and the following reactions as I wormed my way out of it.  It's taken a long time to be able to get to the point where I can crack this egg.  And I want to do so truthfully.  What happened to me was not okay.  There should have been someone there.  And there was.  Two people.  Just you, and my friend "Jake", who I have not talked to in a long time.  So I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there.  For not being weird, or judging my strange behaviour, for just sitting with me and talking with me and trying to understand me when no one else would take the time.

6 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Most people in real life get along just fine without much drama. It's just this specific type of people that is really problematic, and luckily they're really rare. Well, maybe not as rare as the word "really" might infer, but certainly rare (though maybe it's more common among women). The reason for that, I think, is that real life is a lot more complex than just an online platform where the real abusers get all the leeway and benefit of the doubt but none of the responsibility. In real life, you are a person with a story, an image, a pride, a tribe, a status, etc. Whereas online, you are mostly just a block of text, which is very easy to attack. Clearly, the internet has enabled and empowered a lot of vampires that are otherwise in real life mostly wimps and docile housecats (but not in a positive way, i.e. they're mostly suppressed by the undeniable truth that most people can see, collective justice if you will). I have thought about this many times before, and every time I arrive at the same answer as you, that I tend to keep forgetting. Just ignore those people, they are the problem, period. Let them dry out and their drama will eventually die out. As long as they don't get their kick from you, they will get bored and then leave you alone.

That's the conclusion that I have come to at this point, is that - I want to rehash what happened during that period of time when it feels right.  It doesn't feel right quite yet, and I am embarrassed as to how bad it got.  People that came to my house when I sought treatment were like... "What... the... fuck... is going on... here?  Holy shit."
Because online I am just a block of text, no amount of expression as to what was happening would get through.  My journal entries just got deeper and more detailed the more I tried to work through my death, but it was all a plea, ultimately.
I think the solution will have to be to ignore conflict as much as possible.  I come across as more conflict oriented online because I express myself here, that I feel more vulnerable when I share myself, so things slap a little harder, yeah.

I wish we could all have some sort of method for sharing our stories, the whole gamut, so people just "knew" who they were dealing with, I've fucking tried this - and it never comes out the way that it was, it just can't be reproduced.

7 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Honestly, I would not put so much pressure on myself and try to take even more responsibility with them. I take all the responsibility in the world, but without them. I value truth, and don't want to lose my integrity in order to show some devil something that they already know but want to disturb just for the sake of disturbance. It's always a losing dynamic with those people. Either, win for them, lose for me. Or lose for both. When it comes to them, I haven't won, not even once. I haven't won with them, nor against them. It's never been anything else other than a complete waste of time, every time. And the focus and energy that they suck out of you, I just learned to value myself deeper than to waste my resources so carelessly on such fruitless entities. Taking responsibility started taking another shape for me. Instead of looking at the situation and trying to learn something, I learned to skip, as there's rarely anything there to learn. At least, that's what I would want to do, ideally. The reason for that, I think, is that often these people don't reflect a reality, but rather a delusion. It's quite tragic that they can even gaslight you into thinking that you're somehow the problem and that you need to take even more responsibility in order just to feel normal and fit in. I certainly have fallen into this trap. I thought I was the problem, and I tried to learn something, take responsibility, and even surrender my will to theirs. It just never panned out positively. The lessons that I forced myself to learn decreased my authenticity and turned out to be delusional even.

You have no idea how much I understand this.  Taking responsibility and having it push you in a completely different direction.  It's like, when I fuck up - I might look away for a while, but I will certainly come back to it and try to understand why I was that way and I will take responsibility for it once I am in a place where I can do that.  Just skip - I am starting to learn to do this, but I find that my sense of self can sometimes start to move away from myself with people that aren't authentic.  And yeah, sometimes trying to change for the people around me - dude that's it - it was a vehicle for more disease within myself in a very serious way.  I really took it all into me and made myself to be such the problem that I thought, and still on some level, do think that I don't deserve to be here.  That, because people couldn't see where I was at, that it was my fault for being a burden.  And I experience this even to this day, if I work on trauma - which I don't do just to "tout my problems", but I have a general direction and purpose with myself, that I will sometimes be castigated and misunderstood.  And not even because it is a misunderstanding, but simply because it puts me in a more vulnerable role - it takes away - so I am then forced, even just through working in my own space - to become invisible for someone who is for the most part, living a comfortable and healthy life.  But because I am behind a screen, it's much easier to reduce me.

You literally can't win.  The more you explain yourself, the more you try to express the truth of the situation, the more they adapt at avoiding it.  They don't learn from you, dude, they learn how to hide better.  That's a fact.

And you will be the one paying the price in the long run.  I get it.  So much.

7 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Taking responsibility took from my sense of self and in turn decreased my self-esteem (or perpetuated/furthered my already low self-esteem). And surrendering my will made them feel correct. For them, it was the ultimate assurance and testimony that they were not the problem, so they felt even more comfortable not taking any responsibility at all, so in result they never have look back at what they have done or will do. Finally, I think it is healthy to care about what other people think to some degree, just not those people or their flying monkeys. Those are really irrelevant. Most people will have you become more sane and reasonable if you look into their opinions, because they often reflect a reality of some sorts, even though mostly mundane/material. So I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. There's value to what people think, maybe not necessarily a spiritual value, but they keep you on track with the mundane life so you don't fall off into scams, cults, delusions, etc. They keep you in alignment with common sense. Anyway, that's just my two cents. I hope you're doing great and that you will find a final resolution that none of this will bother you again (me too). Reading your posts gives me a huge mental boost and clarity. I guess that's one way to develop my writing skills. Thank you!

Yes, same here.  It messed with my self esteem.  I didn't want to admit I was wrong when I wasn't.  If I am, I will.  Like... I have a confession.  I have been mean on here sometimes.  Every time this has happened, I was in a state of delusion or drinking heavily to deal with symptoms.  If it was repetitive and against random people - it was due to delusions of persecution.  I wasn't trying to "go after" these people - I was actually trying to say the most aggressive thing, the most forceful and angry action to get what felt like bullying to stop.  If I had not run into that "trauma expert" and dealt with his offsite stalking - I would not have transferred that paranoia to this website.  All of this never would have happened if I never met that person.  They made me sick with that behaviour in a weird way.  But I take responsibility.  The truth is, if I didn't care what people thought - then even further down the line, not even the bullies would have had any traction.  I've said some pretty gnarly things before, to be fair.  Things that were said to me, things that I felt about myself, but still quite over the top.  I hate that, when pushed into a corner, that I have this instinct to gnash and fight to break free, to push people as far away from me as I can - in fear, shame, delusion and self hatred.

The cure to this is to not care what people think - at least - people who are harmful.  But I can't always discern that.  Not anymore.  I'd like to think that I can, but I'm not so sure.

I've had these weird "ego breakdowns" that are to a lesser degree, where it only happens once and I am done - but I freak out over something that is an issue from my past projected into a current scenario and it leaves the person confused.  I might feel so right in the moment, only to completely question why that reaction was ever there.

My resolution/solution is to work on not caring what people think.  To the point where I can integrate new ideas/viewpoints, but that they don't rule my life to an insane degree.  If I'm to take complete responsibility, then this is the answer.  Ultimately, I just want resolution and a continuously forward moving process, where I know it is mine.

Thanks for writing all of this, it allowed me to express some things that happened, to give some sense of resolution to it - I think I can let go.  I've explained myself as best I can.  If I could have transferred the state of being I was in directly via osmosis, it would not be some unhinged bitter asshole, but someone who was in a crisis on every level and no ability to cope with all of it - like crushed by a rock, torn apart from all sides.  Never again.  I will never let myself get into that place again, it was... sickeningly, heart wrenchingly, miserably bad - I think of the level of pain that a torture victim goes through and I can say with certainty that the amount of suffering I've overcome was to that degree.

Most people would have offed themselves from it.

You don't have to respond to all of this if you don't want to - I know that I've used this moment to sort of unload, and I hope you don't mind - I won't be doing that hardly at all.  I guess I just wanted someone to hear, to understand what was really going on.  A lot has been resolved... this year I have:
 

• Quit drinking
• Quit smoking weed
• Gone of meds safely
• Worked on some trauma
• Worked on my anger
• Worked on art/stories
• Began the process of looking at myself/my reactions/my sexuality/my repressions/all of it

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba It must have been tough getting bitten by the people you thought could help. I remember reading scattered pieces of the story about that YouTube trauma expert. It goes without saying that you can & should feel free to unload anything here if you wish at anytime, I don't have a problem with that. And if you think it's better to just let it go and/or you don't feel 100% comfortable talking about it, that's fine too.

I like how people like you and me who constantly take responsibility, admit their otherwise understandable mistakes, and try to overcome their shortcomings can be portrayed to be the problem while the real problem gets all the support and encouraging to stay as they are. It's just a wonder. But it's probably why we are moving forward while they keep being stuck. It's like some people want to fart freely without any consequences, and just because we point it out cuz don't like the smell, it makes us so unusually entitled. They will turn the tables on us and say that who detected it ejected it, when in fact it's who denied it supplied it. And then the flying monkeys will go even further and tell us to wear even more perfume ? Alright, I'll just move to another planet, that's the only solution ? And I'll use their farts as a fuel ?

I also find that most people here don't really listen. When you say something, it mostly goes over their heads somehow no matter how clear you try to make it to them. Most of the interactions here are a projection mirroring another projection without anything real underneath it. Most of the words just go straight through their eyes and outside their heads without passing through the brain. I used to be like that, and still am to some degree, but the more I'm opening up, the better I'm getting at this. I suspect that's a result of the unearned luxury and spoiled lives that most of these kiddos have. I only started connecting to reality after suffering deeply. But that's just my speculation. I have another explanation that has to do with the suppression of the feminine.

Don't worry, I'm certainly not people-pleasing you here. I just relate so much because apparently dealing with this had its toll on me, too. It can make you go nuts to feel alone in this perception. It certainly made me feel crazy at times, to not have anyone to confirm my observations. It ungrounded me and threw me into a pit of self-hatred. So I understand the pain, and it is my intention to help. I'm glad you have found some relief in our interactions. I'm not sure I have always been as effective, but the intent has always been there and I'm getting better, hopefully.

3 hours ago, Loba said:

You literally can't win.  The more you explain yourself, the more you try to express the truth of the situation, the more they adapt at avoiding it.  They don't learn from you, dude, they learn how to hide better.  That's a fact.

And you will be the one paying the price in the long run.  I get it.  So much.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!! So accurate!!!! ???

3 hours ago, Loba said:

A lot has been resolved... this year I have:
 

• Quit drinking
• Quit smoking weed
• Gone of meds safely
• Worked on some trauma
• Worked on my anger
• Worked on art/stories
• Began the process of looking at myself/my reactions/my sexuality/my repressions/all of it

That's some real progress there. And the best is yet to come 

I am so proud of you, and of myself ?

Edited September 30, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Loba]

13 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

It must have been tough getting bitten by the people you thought could help. I remember reading scattered pieces of the story about that YouTube trauma expert. It goes without saying that you can & should feel free to unload anything here if you wish at anytime, I don't have a problem with that. And if you think it's better to just let it go and/or you don't feel 100% comfortable talking about it, that's fine too.

Yeah, it was really weird.  I thought I was crazy, that they had actually checked out my journal because they were popular, but it must have been my writing that drew them in - I just got... freaked, I guess.  Like maybe I wanted them to come to me, to be there, but once they were I couldn't handle the reality that they weren't genuine/understanding about my situation.  I really regretted it.  I might occasionally come here to talk if I need advice, I don't want to take up too much room with stuff.  But if I am seeking a resolution for something I will for sure take you up on that, and if you want to chat feel free to tag me.

15 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I like how people like you and me who constantly take responsibility, admit their otherwise understandable mistakes, and try to overcome their shortcomings can be portrayed to be the problem while the real problem gets all the support and encouraging to stay as they are. It's just a wonder. But it's probably why we are moving forward while they keep being stuck. It's like some people want to fart freely without any consequences, and just because we point it out cuz don't like the smell, it makes us so unusually entitled. They will turn the tables on us and say that who detected it ejected it, when in fact it's who denied it supplied it. And then the flying monkeys will go even further and tell us to wear even more perfume ? Alright, I'll just move to another planet, that's the only solution ? And I'll use their farts as a fuel ?

Agreed.  Although sometimes my farts stink, too and I have been a problem at times.  That's where it gets tricky because I am not innocent, but I am trying to purify.  I feel some sense of guilt that comes up at times that I should probably let go after I write this, just because I feel that if I felt that, then I'm resolving these behaviours.
I agree with the fart analogy, though.  I wouldn't mind moving to another planet, this one is so crowded and confusing.  You gotta be really rich to enjoy it fully.  Or perhaps extremely developed, of which I am neither.  

18 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I also find that most people here don't really listen. When you say something, it mostly goes over their heads somehow no matter how clear you try to make it to them. Most of the interactions here are a projection mirroring another projection without anything real underneath it. Most of the words just go straight through their eyes and outside their heads without passing through the brain. I used to be like that, and still am to some degree, but the more I'm opening up, the better I'm getting at this. I suspect that's a result of the unearned luxury and spoiled lives that most of these kiddos have. I only started connecting to reality after suffering deeply. But that's just my speculation. I have another explanation that has to do with the suppression of the feminine.

I've noticed this, too and have this to some degree.  Actually when I write to people I try to make sure that I pay attention as I can ramble a bit - it is something I hope to improve on.  I agree, there is a lot of... how to put it, this place can be an echo chamber or a place for arguing over spiritual merit instead of doing the work to go within.  I see a lot of these people who claim they have grown a lot, but they are in these long threads every day nearly fighting over the same concepts - talking about the same stuff every day.  I feel like a genuine path has some unique quality to it, like as you go within it kind of creates your character, your personality, your gifts and I see people just getting stuck in this plaster mold of what they think is the general vibe of this place and everyone seems to want to emulate this to the best degree.
I try not to get involved in those convos because my experiences and ideas on things are so different that I just don't want to fight or have them torn apart.  I don't know why people don't listen, I don't know if it is due to luxury or what the problem is, but I see it everywhere.  Do you think it has to do with our species trying to place over it a template of their reality - so they move and live through it, even as one speaks they can't deviate - like a fixed position almost?  I feel I can get in that state sometimes.
Suppression of the feminine, how do you think it plays out with that?

23 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Don't worry, I'm certainly not people-pleasing you here. I just relate so much because apparently dealing with this had its toll on me, too. It can make you go nuts to feel alone in this perception. It certainly made me feel crazy at times, to not have anyone to confirm my observations. It ungrounded me and threw me into a pit of self-hatred. So I understand the pain, and it is my intention to help. I'm glad you have found some relief in our interactions. I'm not sure I have always been as effective, but the intent is there and I'm getting better, hopefully.

No worries, it's nice that someone relates to it.  And yeah it does make you feel alone for sure.  The self-hatred thing is key, I get that so often.  You're doing fine dude - I like chatting with you when we get the chance.  I like that it's organic and free flowing.

25 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

That's some real progress there. And the best is yet to come 

I am so proud of you, and of myself ?

Awww!  Thanks Ges!  I am proud of the both of us as well.  Results does feel great.

Right after I send this, I am letting it all go with that situation that happened a year or so ago.  I got to tell my side of it as best as I could, I expressed my honesty and guilt and so I don't want to beat a dead horse anymore.  It is, absolutely, without a single doubt, time to let go.

This will be my first act of self responsibility.  

To change the subject, how have you been these past few months?  What's new in your life?

[Gesundheit2]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Suppression of the feminine, how do you think it plays out with that?

Basically, high IQ and low EQ. I think that most people here are bad at picking subtle clues and reading emotional states cuz they themselves are often disconnected from their emotions. These things are often implicit since they are not always expressed explicitly (since online, person = just text), so people tend to assume their own state and then project it onto others. If you don't say I'm feeling sad, nobody will know or understand how you're feeling or where you're coming from. Almost nobody is curious why you're saying what you're saying, you're just being taken on face value. On the flip side, when someone who isn't sad says they're feeling sad, they are just believed automatically without a second thought, because well most people want to be good to others, they just suck at applying that correctly and/or can be misguided by false emergencies. Hell is paved with good intentions.

People here have the tendency to take everything literally, without much room for creativity or interpretation. And this can be problematic on a few levels. Sometimes, you might be ungrounded and not really knowing how you're feeling, so the thing that can help you the most is connecting you to your feminine core, but since the majority here don't really have this skill, it often ends up poorly for people who are in need. As well, this opens up the possibility for abuse for people who don't really need the help and attention, but just crave it infinitely, so they create a noise, which ends up backfiring on those who truly need help. It's like when a baby is crying cuz it's hungry, then some adult comes and starts making up false emergencies just because they're jealous of the nurturing and attention the baby is getting.

Quote

You're doing fine dude - I like chatting with you when we get the chance.  I like that it's organic and free flowing.

Awww!  Thanks Ges!  I am proud of the both of us as well.  Results does feel great.

Absolutely!

Quote

To change the subject, how have you been these past few months?  What's new in your life?

Not much has changed externally in the past few months, except for the cat. I'm kind of on pause on everything until I get my finances right, so all my focus and energy are spent there. Well, that, and on digging deeper into myself and reality in order to gain more clarity and healing before returning back to the game. Most of the changes that I'm experiencing currently are internal, like the alchemy process you journal about. I'm purifying myself more and more until I'm fully transparent or golden, both are great! This has been an on-going process for me for a few years now. And it is certainly worth the while!

Edited September 30, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Loba]

14 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Basically, high IQ and low EQ. I think that most people here are bad at picking subtle clues and reading emotional states cuz they themselves are often disconnected from their emotions. These things are often implicit since they are not always expressed explicitly (since online, person = just text), so people tend to assume their own state and then project it onto others. If you don't say I'm feeling sad, nobody will know or understand how you're feeling or where you're coming from. Almost nobody is curious why you're saying what you're saying, you're just being taken on face value. On the flip side, when someone who isn't sad says they're feeling sad, they are just believed automatically without a second thought, because well most people want to be good to others, they just suck at applying that correctly and/or can be misguided by false emergencies. Hell is paved with good intentions.

Okay, I get it.  I think my IQ and EQ are in the middle, pretty average.  I understand the state of being emotionally disconnected and am working through that now to try and bring them back online again.  Have you worked through this process?  I often feel quite numb.  I know what I am feeling underneath all of it, but the emotion might be too intense or not deemed "appropriate", so I push it away.  It seems to have created a situation where it just does that automatically, and I have to reach within and pull that emotion out of me to have a sense of authentic feeling.
Assume own state and project onto others - hmmn, something to look out for, for sure.  I can think of times where I have done this, right off the bat.  It can be really hard to know from just words, like, really difficult.  It's good advice, to remember to mention how one is feeling, so people know this, it's just knowing when the time is right, too.  You can mention aspects of your state and it be in completely the wrong time/context - I see myself doing this sometimes and it's like - oh shit, that came out wrong/was at the wrong time/I didn't express it properly/prematurely.  

This is a really good paragraph, one to use for my own shadow work for sure.  These are all things that I want to get better with over time.

14 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

People here have the tendency to take everything literally, without much room for creativity or interpretation. And this can be problematic on a few levels. Sometimes, you might be ungrounded and not really knowing how you're feeling, so the thing that can help you the most is connecting you to your feminine core, but since the majority here don't really have this skill, it often ends up poorly for people who are in need. As well, this opens up the possibility for abuse for people who don't really need the help and attention, but just crave it infinitely, so they create a noise, which ends up backfiring on those who truly need help. It's like when a baby is crying cuz it's hungry, then some adult comes and starts making up false emergencies just because they're jealous of the nurturing and attention the baby is getting.

Factitious, yes that's a thing - as I've gotten better and am no longer in an emergency situation anymore, I don't see myself reaching out for that attention like I was before.  I like to write about experiences and work through them on my own time, but I don't feel inclined to force anyone to deal with any drama from my end - I think much of my past seeking was from being afraid/unsure how to manage but also not comfortable sharing the details of what was happening, so I was vacillating between wanting to somehow fix it all myself, or to reach out for support.  Sometimes I feel stressed and will express it in my own space, but when it comes time for another person who is in need to take that spotlight for care, I know to step back.  It's like, someone with internal bleeding is going to be in line before a toothache, you know?  Things have to be structured that way.  This is actually a big problem in psychiatry, a lot of resources get used up by people who have this mode of expression, and avenues where there is a lot of "help" or self growth can be ripe with this kind of abuse.  If you don't see it, people can get stuck in that caretaker/beneficiary role.  Which I see no problem with, if it is consensual and both parties know what they're getting in to - but there has to be a discussion on it, and boundaries and some method of growth moving forward - but when this is online and in places like this, it can create this unconsciously in which case there is no consent and the connections formed are not done so with the light of this dynamic in mind/ air dried.  
I am actually pro-people getting their needs met.  I don't think anyone should not get their needs met, and feel like they should starve in life in any way.  I think there are solutions to this which is pretty much just to be as open as possible so that people can decide what they are willing and not willing to do.  If there is that space for honest communication, then there's no problem.

I do wish there was more creativity and a bit more leeway for unique expression, within limits of course.  Maybe in time, we'll see.  Ungrounded, yeah, I get that for sure.  I should remember this and try to connect to it more often.  I'll do some research over the next few days on how this works.

14 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Not much has changed externally in the past few months, except for the cat. I'm kind of on pause on everything until I get my finances right, so all my focus and energy are spent there. Well, that, and on digging deeper into myself and reality in order to gain more clarity and healing before returning back to the game. Most of the changes that I'm experiencing currently are internal, like the alchemy process you journal about. I'm purifying myself more and more until I'm fully transparent or golden, both are great! This has been an on-going process for me for a few years now. And it is certainly worth the while!

Aww, it's a new pet?  She is super cute.  I love really friendly, sweet pets.  Sorry to hear about your financial situation.  I know how it goes for sure.  Are there avenues in your country to make decent money or do a lot of people struggle with this?
Yeah!  Alchemy!   Purification.  It's totally an alchemical process, we are all going through this collectively for sure.  Excited to see where your journey takes you over the next few years.

[Gesundheit2]

On 9/30/2022 at 11:29 PM, Loba said:

I understand the state of being emotionally disconnected and am working through that now to try and bring them back online again.  Have you worked through this process? 

I didn't really work through it in the strict meaning of the word. It's probably more accurate to say that it's working through me and I'm allowing it. Almost all of my life, it's always been things/events working through me/happening to me. I can hardly remember a time where I really desired something and went after it for the sake of it. Unlike most people, everything I do is out of necessity, not luxury. I don't seem to have the conventional built-in desire to live the human life or to be a person. I am weird and an alien in that sense, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Though, it has its drawbacks when dealing with humans, cuz we are often on different frequencies, and that can make me struggle to relate to them. I've gotten a lot better over the years, but I still don't find the human life as interesting as advertised. That's not to say I don't like socializing or being with other humans, it's just that I don't agree with the vision that humanity has as a collective, as I view all the games they play as fruitless, distracting, and even harmful. So it's not that I was/am emotionally disconnected from myself as much as I was/am disconnected from the human dream. I don't know if it's different for you, but that's as best as I could describe it from my most authentic self's pov. I really don't relate to most of the human nonsense, most of the times I just force myself to. If it wasn't for my sexual drive and the need to survive, I would probably have killed myself long ago.

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Sorry to hear about your financial situation.  I know how it goes for sure.  Are there avenues in your country to make decent money or do a lot of people struggle with this?

It hurts just thinking about it.

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Yeah!  Alchemy!   Purification.  It's totally an alchemical process, we are all going through this collectively for sure.  Excited to see where your journey takes you over the next few years.

Me too. I just want to know what God ultimately wants with me.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Loba]

5 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I didn't really work through it in the strict meaning of the word. It's probably more accurate to say that it's working through me and I'm allowing it. Almost all of my life, it's always been things/events working through me/happening to me. I can hardly remember a time where I really desired something and went after it for the sake of it. Unlike most people, everything I do is out of necessity, not luxury. I don't seem to have the conventional built-in desire to live the human life or to be a person. I am weird and an alien in that sense, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Though, it has its drawbacks when dealing with humans, cuz we are often on different frequencies, and that can make me struggle to relate to them. I've gotten a lot better over the years, but I still don't find the human life as interesting as advertised. That's not to say I don't like socializing or being with other humans, it's just that I don't agree with the vision that humanity has as a collective, as I view all the games they play as fruitless, distracting, and even harmful. So it's not that I was/am emotionally disconnected from myself as much as I was/am disconnected from the human dream. I don't know if it's different for you, but that's as best as I could describe it from my most authentic self's pov. I really don't relate to most of the human nonsense, most of the times I just force myself to. If it wasn't for my sexual drive and the need to survive, I would probably have killed myself long ago.

Oh!  I understand that.  Sort of like lock and key, you just allow what you need to come to you in order to heal and it seems to take affect?  Thing happening to you, working through you - do you mean divine or just any circumstance?  Does it seem like you were just given a natural talent to be able to work through things/think through them?
That's really sad that you have not been able to go after things you desire/don't have them and that you have to do things out of necessity.  Both of our cultures/lives are very different in that sense.  I've been given both pain and luxury at differing times.  Sometimes when we would talk and I would hear of your stories, about constantly being under pressure in some way I wondered how you didn't buckle from it.  I would have within a year's time.
I understand from my side of the fence on how it feels to feel like an alien, or like your hardware is different.  You've come a long way for where you've come from and I imagine it is probably hard to relate to people because you have a natural talent for growing intuitively, and your environment is more stagnant for the kind of person that you inherently are.  I agree, I don't agree with the vision humanity has at all, but I also don't really have a better vision in place - do you?  I've been thinking a lot about this - if everything was reset by some cosmic force, how would we all redo things?  I have this feeling that people continue to go on after death and that they develop groups in order to grow, and I wonder what I will discuss with my group - or if they will all sort of assimilate into me - like how they say all is One.  It's hard to know.  What I do know is that humanity is whack, dude.  People are so messed up - I wish there was a better structure for all people, from start to finish so that everyone was happy and could do the things that they love and are good at without all the bullshit getting in the way.  There's so much missed potential when we fight all the time, war with one another, when you have these rich assholes at the very top dictating what everyone else should do.

I don't feel connected to the human dream at all.  I feel connected to something else entirely.  As in, the whole world just seems to be made of it.  Hard to explain, but... everything just feels like a manifestation of forces just outside of human awareness, that no one else sees.  I feel that people are very blind to themselves in a lot of ways and I don't relate/even know how to function in this world at all.  Like... I don't belong here.  Someone gave me the wrong map dude. LOL!

I relate also to the feelings of - if it weren't for some desire to survive - I would have ended it.  I'm sorry to hear that you ever felt that way, though.  That sucks.  Do you still feel that way or have you resolved it somewhat?

6 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

It hurts just thinking about it.

Shit dude, I am so sorry.  It really pains me to know what happened to your country.  It's really not fucking fair knowing that people struggle while others get safe/comfy lives.  We all deserve the same things in life.  No one should feel any sort of lack.  I hate it and wish and hope that this will change for you.

6 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Me too. I just want to know what God ultimately wants with me.

I can give some really broad answers on that, but for the nitty gritty, you'll have to have an awakening into what that is.
The broad answers - God literally can't function without you as a part of the system.  "I can't feel anything without you"  God tells its creations.  If you were not here, it would be incomplete and God can't be incomplete.  There's a mechanism, an evolutionary feedback loop of positive and negative that looks completely different from up on high, and from that vantage point, there is a plan and purpose for it all.  It sort of branches out with a lot of different tendrils and tastes for areas where people are ripe for discovering themselves and it does aid in that process.

If you keep inquiring, keep looking within and don't stop learning, eventually your own puzzle will start to unravel.  I'll bet it already has been.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba My mind is fully-baked from the web dev stuff at the moment, I can hardly think or read properly anymore. I just want you to know that I feel lucky to know you. I'm grateful that you're here listening and offering help and understanding. Keep shining, Sabina! You're a light in this dark world.

[Loba]

1 hour ago, Gesundheit2 said:

My mind is fully-baked from the web dev stuff at the moment, I can hardly think or read properly anymore. I just want you to know that I feel lucky to know you. I'm grateful that you're here listening and offering help and understanding. Keep shining, Sabina! You're a light in this dark world.

Awesome, that's so cool at you're working on this stuff, I want to see it when it's done.  I totally get you, I'm trying to write up a journal entry and my brain feels fried, I think I need a long nap or something.  I am grateful to you, too.  You're a really good friend of mine, I appreciate your presence in my life.  I love your grounded perspective on things and I love how the internet can connect people from across the world, from different cultures and upbringings and bring us all together.  You keep shining, too Ges!  You also have a big bright ole light.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Another leaf fell from the tree... My favorite cousin has now officially moved to Egypt. What else?

The reason he moved is because he wanted to escape the mandatory service in the military, which most guys are doing these days after finishing their studies, and some before.

I don't quite understand how the government is thinking. Driving all of its (mostly) educated men outside the country instead of bringing in some more. It's either a stupid government, which is possible but unlikely. Or maybe they don't care cuz they have other plans. Maybe that's exactly their plan. Or they may be thinking about this whole thing from an entirely different perspective. Bashar and his family got the whole picture, I don't.

The country is still bleeding. It needs reconstruction, it needs economy. But that's not gonna happen with the current settings. The only way that I can think of that the government might be playing this thing kinda right is if they're counting on the money (dollars and euros) that gets transferred from the immigrants to their families. It's already the case for so many families. If they have one kid abroad, they're most likely receiving money constantly. Without this money, the country would have probably lost even more of its economical strength, to a complete destruction most likely.

But still, I think this is a stupid approach. Instead, I think it would be more beneficial to facilitate and create ways for the younger guys to work from here remotely and earn foreign currency like they do in India. Although there are legal obstacles, nothing is impossible when you have the power that a monarchy/autocracy has. It's just a matter of how much you can think outside of the box, which is something this government sucks at for sure. Any movement outside of the usual is perceived as a risk or even threat. They're neurotic to the point of paranoia, always have been. I believe that rulers radiate their state onto their people. That's why most westerners are soulless pragmatic materialists. It's probably a two-way street though, and people affect their rulers too through the bubble-up effect.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Gesundheit2