Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

I think I might have developed some sort of mental pain masochism lol. The pain and torture of overheating my brain started becoming somewhat enjoyable, it's weird. Today is the first time I've experienced this shift. It's not complete yet, and I don't know if that's good or bad for me, both in the short and long terms. I guess I'll give it some space and allow my feminine side to take control for some time and let it explore itself a little bit. Maybe it's the only way to achieve intellectual mastery.

[Gesundheit2]

Finding your true self and knowing your true worth are two interconnected values. Your worth will only be as deep as you realize of yourself. And your self-realization can only get as profound as your worth. This doesn't mean you're God, solipsism, or anything like that. If you think you're God, that's only because you're a narcissist. It also doesn't mean that you're a worthless piece of shit, regardless of what your past/shadow/traumas might be telling you. This isn't about imagination. It's about knowing your actual place in this super complex puzzle. It's about knowing the truth.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

I don't generally take what people say or do (to me, or otherwise) personally, or even seriously. That's been established as one of my core principles for quite some time. I treat most people as if they are crazy, so that there's no point in taking a crazy person seriously. I'm crazy too, but some people take me seriously, and that's their problem, cuz they're crazy.

Anyway and however, recently, I started taking what God is doing to me personally, regardless of vehicle. Lately, I started feeling like God has designed this game specifically to take revenge from me. This whole structure is made to mock and make fun of me. I feel like God is laughing hysterically at me every time I am presented with a new challenge. It's as if I'm God's worst enemy. God hates me for some reason or no reason at all, but there's no doubt that it hates my guts. Otherwise, it wouldn't have put me here. That might sound silly, but I'm dead serious as I'm speaking. I'm really starting to take it personally. Personally, I would not put anyone in my place even if they were my worst enemy, cuz it's so fucking gruesome, and I'm not that cruel. The cruelest thing that I would do to anyone is ignore them, but not much else. God not only ignored me (still is), but it's actively working against me and trying to hurt me personally. Like, seriously, what is your problem, you son of a bitch? What did I do to you? What do you want me to do? Do you not find joy except in my torture? Or are you blind to everyone else's mistakes but my own? I have probably made one of the least amounts of mistakes possible among this stupid creation, and it doesn't even seem like I'm being punished for those. I'm being punished for sins that I have not committed and are not my own. Things that I have been born with, God's mistakes, and so forth. But of course, I should always remain the bigger man and take it all on my shoulders, take responsibility and move on. I don't even feel comfortable complaining after everything that I've gone through. It feels so useless, but sometimes I like to express and see how my thoughts will manifest.

Look and listen to me closely, you son of a bitch. I'm not giving up. I don't care what you do to me, I'm going to triumph eventually and bury you instead. Now go on and try your best to bring me down. You will fail, like always, cuz you picked the wrong opponent. Let me assure you that I won't kill myself, let alone die by the likes of you or your vehicles. I will only flourish, and multiply. You started this war, but you'll be the one to die in the end. Guaranteed. And here's your stamp as proof:

See? I'm funny and cool even when everything is falling apart. I just can't be bothered. I will keep my cool under all pressures and circumstances. Cuz that's what a man does.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

The epitome of human evolution is in falling in love with rationality. It's as crazy and paradoxical as that.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

My self-esteem is extremely low compared to who I actually am. I have toxic humility. I always knew that on some level, but today I've had the full awakening.

[Gesundheit2]

I am very furious right now. At myself, my parents, Islam, vampires, the world, God, everything.

The depths of what I've gone through are unimaginable. A long series of bad luck, stacked upon bad luck. Even when my ego died and I stopped suffering, bad things never stopped happening. In fact, worse stuff started happening, and the more I lost of my identity, the worse stuff that happened to me. This low self-esteem thing is just one example, and it's actually rather a cause and an effect both at the same time. I originally had low self-esteem. Because of that, I gravitated towards stuff that would tease and multiply it. And then eventually, ego death caused by extensive religious practice obliterated my self-esteem entirely. I became completely worthless, or at least that's what I thought. This is also probably why I've never developed a spiritual ego. I've never played that game. I used to be spiritual, but without an ego. My sense of self was already absent when I entered stage Conscientious/Individualistic/Pluralist. And it's only coming back online as I'm moving further/higher.

I just can't believe this. I always found it strange to think or feel that spirituality is a serious threatening thing that feels like death. I've never felt that way about spirituality when I was already heavy on spiritual practice. I was even warned explicitly to not go down that road, but I ignored all the warnings and didn't care. I couldn't care. I couldn't stop myself. Turns out I was already dead to begin with since my Muslim days. My initial momentum from Islam (Blue) never went away all throughout my spiritual phase (Green). And I basically skipped Orange for the most part. For you to feel threatened by spirituality, you need to have an intact sense of self. You need to have an ego, an agenda, a familiarity or at least an understanding of stage Orange. I had Red and Blue, but never really Orange. I jumped from Blue right into Green. It felt like the natural progression given my particular and rather super unique circumstances.

I guess it couldn't have been otherwise. The suffering was too much to bear. I had to die metaphysically in order to protect myself physically. That's just a fraction of how intelligent my design is, and of how smart I actually am. I was simply not supposed to see all the truth at once, but rather one part at a time, until right now where I can finally handle the full picture. There's no other way around the truth. None of this is my fault. I'm actually way more than what this world deserves, I don't even give myself enough credit and I mostly just keep beating myself up unnecessarily for God's mistakes and shortcomings. The truth is that my environment is just too toxic to let me prosper and show my full potential. The only way out is out, and there's just no way out yet. Or maybe this is just my underdeveloped Orange talking.

Edited December 16, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

I'm having an interview tomorrow in the afternoon. I've already passed the first interview, which was more personal, and this one is going to be more technical.

I'm thinking I might be overqualified for the position I'm applying for, though. I might have to suppress myself a little bit, or ideally gauge the level of the interviewer first, so that they don't feel intimidated by my true skills. This might happen if they are not that skilled themselves, which could be the case, given that the company is local. It's good money, though, but still not enough. It's just a stepping stone for me. I will work for as long as I have to in order to gain the necessary experience and money and then move out. I'm 6 months late according to the plan I outlined in the beginning of 2022. I did get admitted in an internship, but I had to quit cuz I found out it was a scam (without a mentor, can you imagine?).

Anyway, I have to somehow look knowledgeable and experienced, but without intimidating the interviewer. I have to look knowledgeable and experienced enough to be able to negotiate a higher salary, but still not too much to offend the interviewer. It's tricky, but I'll probably work it out. I have a good feeling about this, and I'm not nervous at all. My feelings very rarely betray me, so I'm sure to get the job.

I have heard a lot from youtubers that junior developers should throw around their resumes everywhere (at every possible tech company) just to get an interview. This has not been true in my experience. I've only sent my resume to 4 companies so far, and I've already got 2 interviews right away. One in Dubai, which I could not attend, and the other here in my city, which I'm currently having. Maybe my portfolio is impressive. The other two companies that didn't interview, it was my mistake for applying 3 days late.

The reason why I've not yet applied to companies abroad is because I don't have enough money to travel (The Dubai one was just me testing the waters). So, I need this job to build up my travel money and then move out, and also it will help me gain real work experience rather than just making projects on my own, plus it will introduce me to the corporate world of tech, how the hierarchy works in there, and what it takes to claim seniority. Once I am familiar with all that, and I have travel money, I will start applying mainly to American tech companies that are hiring remotely (cuz allegedly they pay the highest), whilst starting the paper work to travel. My first destination will most likely be Egypt, and the rest is open-ended till this point, there's no concrete plan yet. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I haven't gotten the job yet, and it would still take at least six months to be able to move. But I'm happy that I'm heading in the right direction, and I'm never going to let anything stop me before I reach my goals. I am proud of my resilience and will power. They've got me through a lot, although I might have burned myself out somewhat in the process. I just hope it will be worth it in the end.

Edited December 23, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

I've passed the technical interview, but the hiring process isn't over yet. There's going to be a test later, and then they will decide. We'll see.

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Frosty, foggy morning.

I took a few other pics and vids, might post some later (cuz poor internet right now).

[Gesundheit2]

? Sunrise at shutter speed: 1/16667s and ISO-100.

? The world in a droplet.

? Pathway unclear.

? Step into the unknown.

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====== River.mp4 ======

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Edited December 28, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]