Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

For some unknown reason, YouTube algorithms keep suggesting Mr. Beast to me. I will never click on any of his stupid videos regardless of how many views he gets or how stupid he looks in the thumbnails.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

I've spent a lot of time in the past couple days trying to take some rest from programming. Most of it was here on the forum, and the rest I could not help but watch some tutorials and write some code. I've learned about Svelte and SvelteKit. And they're really interesting, it's not fair that React and other libraries/frameworks are way more popular.

I think I need to rest for real this time. That means no forum and no programming. Not sure why I would want to do that, though. The momentum I have now might decrease if I stop moving.

Anyway,

 

[Gesundheit2]

It's literally the same thing if a girl is attracted to your looks, money, personality, charisma, status, and/or something else. These are all appearances that are perceived as value, but you ain't any, let alone all of 'em. They're just things that are attached to you by you attaching yourself to them. You may carry them with you or drop them off, but they still ain't you either way. Who/What you are is literally unlovable, because it is so out of reach and untouchable. Nobody could love you except you. And you, you also could not really love anyone except yourself. Though, you might deceive yourself into thinking that you love others, but that's just your coping mechanism to conceal your love for yourself, precisely because you love yourself so much that you can't allow any external love to ruin your own, including your own external love. See, there are two types of love, internal and external. The internal is ever present, but most of the time taken for granted and ignored. The external, which is illusory, is extremely valuable for survival. When you confuse one with the other, that's when you fuck up. Sometimes, external love can hurt. Other times, it can heal. But the internal is always healing. You can heal yourself with external love, but it's not always guaranteed, and it might even backfire in some cases. If you don't want to take risks, go for the internal directly, and let go of the external completely.

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

SP makes even the hippies look cool.

Edited December 1, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

I am garbage.

[Gesundheit2]

Some bad changes are likely to happen next Friday. Lack of fuel will basically remove most electric power supply, and we will be living in the dark. I have a connection that can help me with this personally, but the entire country will probably be suffering darkness at least for this entire winter. I hope I will still be able to reach here and give updates on my situation. I will likely be able to, because the connection I know has infinite supply and is willing to let me stay with him for however long I need.

[Gesundheit2]

Indeed, I was hoping that it won't come to this. But I might be forced to take some drastic measures to get myself out of here.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Always have been a hero, and will remain. I will only die a hero 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

So it seems that psychosis causes confusion and memory loss for some people. In my case, I don't think I've experienced either, at least in the strict meaning of the words. I mean, I've been confused and still am to some degree, but I've never lost conscious awareness of the moment, despite losing the connection to it in the past. However, some people, like my sister and my ex, seemed to lose consciousness and enter an entirely different/parallel reality, a dream world. Me, I've always been here in this reality, but I've surely had confused ideas about it. I still have some confused ideas, and some rigid deluded beliefs too, but I'm still here with you, on the same wavelength as most people, or at least on some close/similar wavelength. I can recognize my confused beliefs and ideas as beliefs/thoughts, despite them having their full effect on me. That could even be considered a feature rather than a bug, because ultimately there's no escaping thoughts and delusions, but there could be detachment from them, which isn't necessarily what a human ultimately wants. I think what a human ultimately wants is to live a deluded dream, a world where you have unfulfilled desires and you're chasing after them all the time and succeeding in fulfilling them time and time again. And by deluded I mean 100% without any room for doubt or questioning, because that adds a reality from imagination. It blurs the distinctions between the two and therefore enhances the overall experience. It only becomes bad when it turns into a nightmare, i.e. when you experience uncomfortable delusions that you would rather have the opposite of. I think this is what makes life either hell or heaven. You can either live in a dream world, or in a nightmare world. But it's hard to live in a neutral world somewhere in between. You will struggle to survive in a world full of lies without submitting yourself to some of them at least. It's almost impossible to live with 100% of the truth.

[Gesundheit2]

Survival for the fittest ❌

Sometimes, you're too fit to survive ✅

Edited December 4, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

I'm thinking about starting a couple new journals for 2023 that would be a continuation of the ones I already have; this one, and Front & Back. I have a few ideas about how that would look like, but mainly the goals would be more expression of myself through audio recordings, and advancing my programming knowledge and skills by applying the "learning by teaching" principle where I would be explaining programming concepts using my own words regardless of whether there's someone to receive the explanation or not. I think it's possible to do both at the same time, but this will greatly depend on where the country is headed, which should become clearer in the next couple weeks.