Something casual

[Zeroguy]

22 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I think that for someone to have a personality type, it requires at least a certain level of dogmatism to be able to hold the mask up for too long. It's not usually an easy task, but dogmatism can make it so. The more dogmatic, the easier it will be to have a personality type, regardless of what it is. If you hold dogmas about feelings and how they're more important than thinking, that's your dogmatism right there. And vice versa, of course. This applies to all the traits. Someone who privileges intuition above sensing is also dogmatic, but they're not necessarily more dogmatic than someone who does the opposite.

Why would you settle for one part of the puzzle when you can have the whole picture?

Stop with excuses .Just be a man and take the test.

It's great tool to get to know yourself and for relationship with others.To know your actual strengths and weaknesses and what cognitive functions you use.

[Gesundheit2]

@Zeroguy 

I have already taken the MBTI test more than a few times, and on different websites. I don't remember getting the same result twice, although it's possible that that might have happened by accident and I'd forgotten. Bottom line is that I honestly don't identify with one personality type. I tried to, but I couldn't. My personality could not be narrowed down and fit into one type or particular category. What I find in my experience is that I can be alone or with people. I can think originally or listen to what others have discovered. I can think rationally or follow my emotions. I can go with the flow or move according to a plan. I'm totally fine with either sides of the coin. I don't really have strong preferences with these stuff, and it all really mostly depends on the environment around me. I can be one way in a certain environment and completely another way in another. That doesn't mean I don't have weak spots that I can improve on. It just means that I'm cool and not dogmatic about how I should think, behave, and carry myself in various settings.

[Gesundheit2]

Alright, I suck at verbal communication. Let's just face it. I suck so hard that this is actually the first time in my life that I'm realizing this verbally. I mean I always kinda knew it on an intuitive level, and even thought about it vaguely for some time on a conscious level when I was faced with it, but now I realize it clearly in my mind as an actual thought and not just some feeling. I used to suck so hard on both levels, verbal and non-verbal. And I've worked on both in the past couple years and improved a lot on the latter, but not so much on the former. I've learned to detach myself from the monkey mind and even stop it from controlling me. Before that, I was always in my head, but not with clarity. Rather my head was filled with nonsense and delusions, both cultural and personal. I used to be paranoid, obsessive, delusional, depressed, you name it. I don't know how I even survived that long with that much dysfunction, I just somehow did. Right now, I'm at this point where there's not even a monkey in my head anymore, well most of the time anyways. There are always thoughts, but very rarely a monkey. And this seems to be hurting my ability to communicate verbally, both with myself and others. How can I communicate using language without formulating thoughts that can make up logical sentences? It's not possible. I'm realizing that my relationship with myself and others is rather intuitive. My sense of self is non-verbal, maybe even subtler than that. I don't communicate with myself with full laid-out thoughts like most other people seem to do, I'm not sure how I actually do it, to be honest. There seems to be images and voices that appear in my head all the time, and rarely words or sentences. The problem here is that I'm trying to formulate verbal thoughts about my verbal dysfunction in order to describe it correctly, but my ability to formulate these thoughts is defective/retarded in the first place, so you can probably see how hard that can be and why. You've no idea how hard it is for me to be sitting right now and try to write this up from scratch. It actually even takes me more than it normally should. Some random person could probably write the same amount in a few minutes. Some other people with muscular, well-fed, well-trained monkeys can probably write as much in a couple minutes. It took me about 14-16 minutes to write just this. Now, I'm editing, so I'll just add that this isn't really a problem for me in a real conversation, cuz I can bounce back thoughts with another person. It's mostly just a problem when I'm trying to talk to the void like I'm doing right now, or if I wanted to give a lecture, or just simply improvise and talk about myself a little bit (more than 30 seconds), or when I'm recording an audio (the latter is what actually led me to this realization). I can't seem to be able to hold a train of thoughts for a long time like regular people, let alone that freak bastard Leo. It's more like a breathing activity for me. I take in a little bit at a time, and give back a little bit at a time.

I am a chat app. Other people are blogs and forums.

Edited November 11, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

An awake person can pretend to be asleep. But an asleep person can't pretend to be awake. They may sleepwalk, though. But it's not the same thing.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

I had no father. I grew up an orphan and made myself who I am. And I will continue down my own path alone. I've fixed most of my internal problems, but I still have the external to deal with. I can forgive my dad, but I won't, cuz that would mean that I accept him, which would prevent me from completing the positive changes that I've already started making in myself. It would put an end to my evolution, and that's not the time for that, maybe never. For now, I need as much hatred and disgust as I can gather in order to move forward in any meaningful way. No matter how I slice it, I keep coming back to the conclusion that the son of a bitch that claims to be my father is the root of all my problems in life, both internal and external. He does not deserve to live, and yet he's alive.

I'm not gonna let out any specific details about him, though, because I fear people might think I might have inherited at least some of that from him and then project these ideas onto me through association (i.e. like father like son, which couldn't be further from the truth), and then start treating me differently. I mean, sure, I have inherited some stuff from him initially after my birth, that I've been fighting against my whole adult life and overcome most of it.  Moreover I was raised by him, if him raising me actually occurred in the first place. His influence on me is very minor if any at all, I can barely remember him in my past or find him when I look in my psyche on any level, it's almost as if he didn't even exist at all. A ghost father. A fucking nobody that's role in my childhood was mostly purely inhibitory, so that might have been even worse than nothing at all. (EDIT: Actually, now I remember him leaving me alone at the store to deal with customers when I was like 8 years old. He said he went to piss and wouldn't take long, but I quickly started crying because he took too long. Now that I'm an adult, I can connect the dots and figure out that he went to fuck some whore/actual prostitute). However, I've fought both nature and nurture and don't have a lot of either remaining.

In short, he's the lowest-consciousness and most disgusting thing alive to me. My deep hatred for him is probably the reason for my extreme love for and obsession with consciousness. Everything he does, I hate and do the opposite. I hate the ground he walks on and the air he breathes. The only person I talk about my dad to is my brother. We both curse him for eternity for whatever he's done or hasn't yet. Anything he touches, he ruins. That's him in a nutshell. He ruined me, and consciousness fixed me. Consciousness is my real origin/true nature, after all.

I had no mother, either. Though, she's one or two levels better than that complete and utter jackass. But I'm not gonna vent about her just yet. I can still hold it for now.

 

Edited November 19, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba Please stop with all that silent suicide nonsense and go get that infection checked and fixed. You know it's the right thing to do, so do it immediately, or first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you ?

[Loba]

@Gesundheit2 I've already tried.  I went in, got a root canal that I may not have even needed, got a crown, been on two antibiotics, the dentist can't find anything within the tooth, but I feel it in my nose, tooth and throat.  Family gets annoyed when I mention it and because there is no swelling I'm gaslit by the physicians.  I just don't want to deal with the piling bills, being told it's nothing - well if it's something then... fuck them.  You can only ask for help so many times before it's just like, clearly I'm not supposed to heal from it.

Also, I found something within it, I don't know, a new possibility maybe, a siddhi perhaps? - I can't really translate the mythology accurately enough, and I figure that people will try to get into it in an odd way but that's no longer my bizz anymore - but... it's all around me now and if I lose it again then I might not know where I'm supposed to be.  It doesn't make sense to most, but it isn't nonsense to me, it's my... um... my soul's blueprint unraveling.

On top of that, I have a lot of health problems, why stick it out for a few more years when it's just going to be something else?  Trade this in for a few more years of... what exactly?  Heart failure?  Autoimmune disease eating at an organ?  Mental health going down the drain?

And what of when my family passes away?  Go to a mental health facility?  This life isn't salvageable.  I've been sick for a long time and I've been with death in all sorts of ways where I feel that people who get concerned about it or worry about it just have not seen that there's more to it.  We go on, life is kind of a cage.  The soul, incidentally, knows when it is time for the seal to come off.  It reveals it's magic only then.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba I'm sorry if I was too pushy or insensitive in my approach. I don't know your entire situation, even though I've read scattered parts of it. I certainly did not mean to invalidate your perspective, but just to give you some sense. But apparently, there are other forces at play there, and I was wrong to interject like that. You know your situation better and have enough sense to navigate through it.

In any case, don't think too much into the future. I don't plan my life two months ahead, let alone years, because I know everything could change at any moment in a blink of an eye with or without my will. I mostly just try to do the right thing in the moment, and leave the rest up to God. Sick or healthy, if I don't live now, when will I? There will always be problems, but that doesn't make it okay to ignore them and let them be. I know your situation is difficult, but you might want to look into defeatism. I've dealt with it in the past too.

Again, I'm sorry for saying what I said. Read it as concerned and suggesting, not uncaring nor enforcing. It just pains me to see you hurting like that.

[Loba]

You weren't pushy or insensitive, and I didn't feel triggered, either.  I feel pretty nonchalant about the whole thing - mostly what is bothering me is that I am having a hard time changing the tides in order to allow me some karmic leeway with my predicament.  I wasn't as Truthful as I thought until my soul started to unravel and I could see my shadow aspects spilling out in just near constant synchronicity.  So I'm just following it, and speaking to it, bargaining with it, letting things go that don't work for me.  I haven't grown so fast or seen the sides of myself that I couldn't bear in such a way before.  It's like... it's almost as though as I write these posts that they hold the key to changing my fate on some deep level and so I am becoming more mindful of how I apply my word usage.  I genuinely stepped into something.  Some of it stunning, some grotesque.

 Don't worry so much about it, I am genuinely not seeking sympathy or worry or any of that, I'm not really into it in the way for attention - I'm just a servant of the Word and I hope to record it Truthfully so that I can be as free as I am able to be in due time.  For all I know, this could clear up and I have a few more years but I was getting a lot of signs in so many directions that I also felt the need to just find one single road instead of being assaulted day after day by chance.  But I think it's worth a good look, to finally resolve it and get into it for real - not halfway, not dipping a toe in, but just getting acquainted with death.

Also, look at how accurate this meme is?  It's my literal holy trinity.  Praise Cheesus.  Gouda to meet you, my child.

[Gesundheit2]

36 minutes ago, Loba said:

Don't worry so much about it

I did not initially. I've known about it since the first time you talked about it, but thought that you were not serious and that you'd do something and things would not come to this.

Quote

I am genuinely not seeking sympathy or worry or any of that, I'm not really into it in the way for attention

Regardless of your motives or whatever mental rabbit hole(s) you've gotten yourself into, what pains me the most is seeing you willingly hurting yourself like that, but even more than that, not being able to stop you with the only thing that I can offer that is so useless. I know this because I view it as useless too. I wish things were different and that I was able do something. It's maddening to me that this can be ignored and swept under the rug.

Anyway, I know many doctors and I have a medical background. My sister is a dentist, too. Maybe I can help if you give me some details about the infection.

Edited November 21, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

• I don't speak enlightenment. It's the language of the dead, hypocrite, or confused/delusional. And I'm none of that. Enlightenment is only true from a death perspective. This is life, and enlightenment does not belong here.
• There isn't really a masculine nor a feminine. They're just labels for any apparent duality and have nothing to do with gender. They're also interchangeable. You can label the masculine feminine and vice-versa. Gender is just one example of the manifested masculine and feminine duality (yin-yang), but obviously duality is not limited to just that. Any distinction is a duality, so there's always a yin-yang way to perceive any relation(s) between any two things.

Anyways,

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Most people are either unaware of or don't understand the yin-yang model (even though Goro from Mortal Kombat wears the symbol on his belt ). However, there are many quite smart people who still misinterpret it, nevertheless. Misinterpretations are ought to happen when there's ideological clinging to dogmas that are collected from an external source without enough first-hand direct experience. Nothing wrong with making misinterpretations per se, but just to maintain logical consistency in this particular context. Direct observation is as important as previously collected data. That's science for you, dawg.

Yin-yang is a model that is centered around the concepts of balance, neutrality, and harmony. The main aim of the model is to utilize it in order to stop demonizing other beings/perspectives and try to understand them instead, because you're them in part, and vice-versa. To see yourself in the other, and the other in yourself. The masculine naturally demonizes the feminine, and vice-versa. There's an ongoing battle between the two forces. This happens because of the disconnection that was created with the first duality, "I" vs. "other". Yin-yang proposes that this necessary disconnection doesn't have to manifest in the form of battle, but rather a calm and peaceful negotiation that is based on mutual understanding and sharing of everyone's best interests.

Now, you can either agree or disagree with what yin-yang is suggesting. But if you agree and then cling ideologically, then you don't quite get it, and rather simply have your own distorted version of it. And you can't bypass this ideological clinging issue by using the disclaimer card where you say this is just my interpretation. Everything is not relative. Some things are some way, as they're meant to be. You can't Derrida your way out of this. If you want to have your own interpretation, then that's a whole other parallel model that you've created, but not the original one. Again, nothing wrong with that. But just to maintain logical consistency, and you're free to not want to do that, too.

Anyways,

 

Edited November 25, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

I might be only 26 years old, but I probably have more life experience than most western people who are double my age. From what I have heard, seen, and experienced, a good percentage of the western population is generally too intellectual, they spend a good portion of their lives thinking, living inside their heads rather than actually living in the world. That makes them very smart to the point of excess and mental masturbation. Eastern people are kind of the opposite. They spend more time living than thinking, so they're dumber but more lively and intuitive in general, which is a different kind of intelligence, even though objectively inferior. Both ways of being are not ideal/optimal, though. You need both the intellect and intuition. Intuition informs the intellect, and the intellect refines intuition. Too much of either is not healthy, because it excludes the other. At least, that is if you want to be balanced and live a healthy, happy, harmonious life. If not, then go ahead, but know that no one will bear your suffering and poor life quality for you.

Anyway, back to me, I, and myself. I have a lot of life experience relative to the average western person, but a mediocre amount relative to an easterly. As well, I have a mediocre level of intelligence relative to an average western person, but a high amount relative to an easterly.
If you think I'm smart, it's because I'm well-integrated and have a fair amount of synergy between my masculine and feminine. My intuition supports, adds to, and advances my intellect, and vice-versa. If you think I'm dumb, kinda normal, and/or not smart enough, it's because you're judging me purely based on intellect. And fair enough, I'm not the smartest person intellectually, nor intuitively, but I might be the smartest synergistically. However, if you think I'm very smart it's because you lack intuition. At this point, and unlike most people, I think I have become fairly well-balanced between most aspects of my psyche. I have this kind of sharpness that I haven't seen many people have. Even the smartest people don't really have the same sharpness that I have. The main area that I lack in is knowledge. I don't think I have a lot of information beyond the average person, even though I utilize what I have to the max. I have a fair amount of knowledge about a lot of stuff, though, just not super technical except in a couple or few areas at best. I think if I had a lot of knowledge floating around in my mind, there would be something for me to talk about any time, which isn't really the case.

However, it's very hard to reach up to 90-100% level of mastery in anything, but it's a lot easier to reach 80%. The final step to mastery is always the hardest and takes proportionally inappropriate amounts of time and effort to achieve, but in my experience it's not always smartest to seek absolute mastery in one field, especially when the only way that that could come is at the cost of losing balance. I think if anyone can achieve 80% of mastery of the masculine and 80% mastery of the feminine, that will be enough for leading a great life. I am somewhere near that figure in both aspects. Most people are 90% or more in one aspect, and 20% or less of the other. They're typically described as masculine or feminine, depending on the different percentages. I'm not hyper-masculine, nor hyper-feminine. I'm also not hypo-masculine, nor hypo-feminine. I think I'm fairly well-balanced in most areas that I have control over in my life. I've worked on this and let it work on me for years, actually more than a decade. I'm still a straight dude with a penis, though 

I think, both mathematics and programming, along with knowing English as a second language affected me in some really interesting ways. I haven't been touching much math recently, that was rather at high-school when I noticed that I somehow did break my first intellectual barrier. It's because the high-school I went to was not ordinary. Almost all the students there were smarter than me. It was titled "for superior students". You needed to be vetted through an exam in order to be admitted in that school, it was the second hardest exam that I've taken so far relative to my age/knowledge/skills. The questions were a mix of regular school stuff with IQ-type questions. Sometimes both combined in the same question. However, somehow I was near the bottom of a 90 students list who passed. I spent two years there, and even those two years they were extremely challenging/out of my league, so that's when I broke my original intellectual limits. The teachers there were also smarter than the average. I felt like a dwarf in there. But somehow I survived and came out better than I entered, even though at the cost of my mental health that I had to recover from later, and still am working on it. Unlike me, my high-school environment (peers & teachers) were all hyper-intellectual. Most of my peers and friends got into medical school with me too. In any case, I was not able to compete with them. They're still till this day intellectually superior to me. They're literal geniuses and probably genetic freaks that it's hard to compete against them regardless of how much time and effort you put into sharpening your intellect. They're the intellectual elite of my city so to speak. I just couldn't/still can't compete. However, as I've inquired into their past, I discovered that most of them didn't have much street knowledge like me. I was one of the few that did have much of it. They'd basically spent their childhood going to kindergarten, school, reading books, studying like a good kid, and returning back home to do their homework. So they're almost like people in the west, privileged and rich, but inexperienced. So for me to become intellectually smarter than them, I would need to spend a lot of time reading books and working on my logic and intellect, applying structural and methodological thinking (programming in a nutshell), which I haven't done very much of until lately in the past year and a half. I spent much of my childhood playing in the neighborhood out in the streets with other kids, going on adventures, etc. Not many of those kids were able to finish high-school, and an even lesser number of them got into college. In the area that I live in (my home), there's not a transportation system set in place to the city center where the university is. The government knows from the get-go that these dumbos will not make it there anyway. You'd need to be rich, or exceptionally lucky and smart, or both, in order to do so. If you're rich, then you wouldn't be living in my neighborhood to begin with. And if you're not rich, then it's hard to be smart, because you would not have the luxury of thinking or even learning to think methodologically as most your time would be consumed by low-quality/time-wasting activities anyway, such as hustling and trying to survive in the group. The environment makes it harder for you to move up. It actually pulls you down every time you try to escape.

Anyways,

As much as I like the role of the exceptional underdog that surprisingly wins in the last moment, what I like even more is the role of the strong hero that wins easily and effortlessly.

On an unrelated note, I will start being more of a Leo fanboy from here on. I will stop criticizing him completely, and either comment with a supportive comment or not at all. Though, I won't reveal why I'm making this sudden shift. Consider yourself lucky, Leo. You're finally out of my microscope.

Edited November 25, 2022 by Gesundheit2
P.S. I wasn't able to pass the hardest exam in my life. If I did, it would have put me in a way more challenging/out of my league school and changed the entire trajectory of my life probably in some unimaginable ways.

[Gesundheit2]