Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

Quote

Delusion: A belief or altered reality that is persistently held despite evidence or agreement to the contrary, generally in reference to a mental disorder.

I still have one major delusion that seems to be only getting stronger by the day. I don't know where it came from originally, but it wasn't there at some point. I might have more than just one, but for now it seems to be just the one.

One problem is that I can't talk about it to anyone, cuz I have a lot of shame around it. It's literally the thing I'm most ashamed about in myself. It's not my desire for incest. I have less shame around that than this. Literally nobody knows this about me, cuz I haven't talked about it to anyone except Mr. Google, who I trust does not care about me personally to exploit or expose.

It is crazy what I believe. I know it's false, but I don't feel its falsity on a being level, just when I logically think about. I feel what I imagine, and my imagination is absolutely deluded at least about this particular thing. Another problem is that I don't want to let go of this delusion in the first place, cuz it's what is keeping me who I am, so to speak. I really enjoy being deluded in this way cuz it's still under my control, although currently that seems to be more challenging than ever, cuz it's bordering on reality. I try to keep it to my imagination as much as possible, but I worry that it might get out of control someday and bite me in the ass. I guess what I like the most about it is the fact that it blurs the lines between reality and imagination, between truth and falsehood. It's where I can find the devil in God, and God in the devil.

The thing is that I know and understand that it's wrong and false, and yet I don't want to believe so. That's what makes it a delusion. It's a fixed belief that doesn't go away despite contradicting evidence. Perhaps because I'm disconnected from the evidence, and I only know it in theory. Maybe I need to experience that belief in order to be able to let it go. But this seems impossible to achieve in my current settings. I probably wouldn't even do it in my current settings even if it was available. But regardless, there's no guarantee that it will fade away after attaining it. In fact, there is a chance that I might devolve into a worse situation.

Some people seem to share this delusion, too, though. And I don't demonize them for having it, I just demonize myself. I don't judge others for having this delusion, but I judge myself. They seem to have an outlet for it, while I don't. Accepting it and being my authentic self is not necessarily the right answer. I have overcome this phenomenon before in different areas of life. For example, I kind of knew that academia was not the way to go for me while I was still going to university. I suppressed my authentic self for that belief that my parents programmed me with, until I broke out of it and started following my authentic path. I simply started acknowledging what I want to be and let go of what I don't want to be. Simple. But this delusion is different. I don't know if I want to be this way. I'm not sure. So I default back to imagination. Fuck!

Edited October 22, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Edited October 22, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

9 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I still have one major delusion that seems to be only getting stronger by the day. I don't know where it came from originally, but it wasn't there at some point. I might have more than just one, but for now it seems to be just the one.

One problem is that I can't talk about it to anyone, cuz I have a lot of shame around it. It's literally the thing I'm most ashamed about in myself. It's not my desire for incest. I have less shame around that than this. Literally nobody knows this about me, cuz I haven't talked about it to anyone except Mr. Google, who I trust does not care about me personally to exploit or expose.

It is crazy what I believe. I know it's false, but I don't feel its falsity on a being level, just when I logically think about. I feel what I imagine, and my imagination is absolutely deluded at least about this particular thing. Another problem is that I don't want to let go of this delusion in the first place, cuz it's what is keeping me who I am, so to speak. I really enjoy being deluded in this way cuz it's still under my control, although currently that seems to be more challenging than ever, cuz it's bordering on reality. I try to keep it to my imagination as much as possible, but I worry that it might get out of control someday and bite me in the ass. I guess what I like the most about it is the fact that it blurs the lines between reality and imagination, between truth and falsehood. It's where I can find the devil in God, and God in the devil.

The thing is that I know and understand that it's wrong and false, and yet I don't want to believe so. That's what makes it a delusion. It's a fixed belief that doesn't go away despite contradicting evidence. Perhaps because I'm disconnected from the evidence, and I only know it in theory. Maybe I need to experience that belief in order to be able to let it go. But this seems impossible to achieve in my current settings. I probably wouldn't even do it in my current settings even if it was available. But regardless, there's no guarantee that it will fade away after attaining it. In fact, there is a chance that I might devolve into a worse situation.

Some people seem to share this delusion, too, though. And I don't demonize them for having it, I just demonize myself. I don't judge others for having this delusion, but I judge myself. They seem to have an outlet for it, while I don't. Accepting it and being my authentic self is not necessarily the right answer. I have overcome this phenomenon before in different areas of life. For example, I kind of knew that academia was not the way to go for me while I was still going to university. I suppressed my authentic self for that belief that my parents programmed me with, until I broke out of it and started following my authentic path. I simply started acknowledging what I want to be and let go of what I don't want to be. Simple. But this delusion is different. I don't know if I want to be this way. I'm not sure. So I default back to imagination. Fuck!

Why can't I inquire into this? I feel like there's a barrier, a block, a gap, or a blackhole between me and understanding this delusion. Something's missing for sure. Possibly, and most likely the biggest part of the puzzle. Whenever I turn my attention onto literally anything, I immediately gain insight and clarity, except with this. Who's pulling these strings on me? What's this entity? Is it me or something else? Probably irrelevant to the inquiry. I just don't get it. I keep coming at it from different angles and perspectives all day long with different levels of focus, from high to low. And no state of consciousness that I've experienced so far had given me any useful information about it. Nothing seems to crack its code. It just seems locked but without a key. I guess I don't need the key per se, but I would like to have it anyway. I like having control over my life, not the other way around. My highest value as of now is full control over my own life. And this bitch just keeps disobeying me.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

Winter is coming ?

[Gesundheit2]

The only cause that is worth fighting for and dying for is family, my family. They're the only reason that I'm still standing, and the only cause that keeps me going. Always been there for me, in sickness and in health. I swear will never leave or fail them no matter what. I will take them out of this misery and make everything up for them. I will make them forget these days, and what suffering feels like. We will laugh at all this soon enough. For all their blood, sweat, and tears. For all their decades of nurturing and support, despite all the circumstances and all the suffering. For all the memories. I will protect and provide for them for the rest of their lives. And I will make sure they will still be safe even if I die in the process. My life is but a humble sacrifice for all that they have done. Nothing could break this bond, not even death.

[Frenk]

1 hour ago, Gesundheit2 said:

The only cause that is worth fighting for and dying for is family, my family. They're the only reason that I'm still standing, and the only cause that keeps me going. Always been there for me, in sickness and in health. I swear will never leave or fail them no matter what. I will take them out of this misery and make everything up for them. I will make them forget these days, and what suffering feels like. We will laugh at all this soon enough. For all their blood, sweat, and tears. For all their decades of nurturing and support, despite all the circumstances and all the suffering. For all the memories. I will protect and provide for them for the rest of their lives. And I will make sure they will still be safe even if I die in the process. My life is but a humble sacrifice for all that they have done. Nothing could break this bond, not even death.

Top tier post. Respect ? and let's hope we make it.

[Gesundheit2]

@Frenk ???

[Gesundheit2]

The masculine has to control the feminine, that's just the way it should be. It's the only way to functional creativity and a creative functionality.

If the feminine controls the masculine, it will lead to chaos and delusion. Consciousness needs to stay on top of unconsciousness. God has to be on top of the devil.

But, this masculine control should be properly controlled, too. Too much control is suffocating, and it leads to rigidity, coldness, and eventually death. It kills the creative essence. On the other hand, too much freedom is disempowering, and it leads to fragility, weakness, and eventually death too. It kills the masculine power.

The masculine has to exert control with the right amounts, at the right times, in the right places, and with the inclusion of the will of the feminine. So basically it becomes just leadership rather than control.

But, for this leadership to work, the feminine needs to submit and trust in the masculine. And the masculine needs to be reliable and up to the task.

This is obviously very tricky and hard to achieve in practice, which is why it virtually doesn't exist. It's too perfect and idealistic. Too good to be true. Most that I have ever seen so far is dysfunctionality or at best imbalance. There was a time where this forum seemed to have the right balance and the right components, but that time seems long gone and without return. My wish is to be able to manifest this perfect balance in my life. It should be possible, and I don't doubt my abilities. I just probably need to keep this insight in mind so that I can embody it everywhere I go, and then from that place, the right things and people should automatically manifest. I trust in the feminine, too.

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

On 10/22/2022 at 9:08 PM, Gesundheit2 said:

Why can't I inquire into this? I feel like there's a barrier, a block, a gap, or a blackhole between me and understanding this delusion. Something's missing for sure. Possibly, and most likely the biggest part of the puzzle. Whenever I turn my attention onto literally anything, I immediately gain insight and clarity, except with this. Who's pulling these strings on me? What's this entity? Is it me or something else? Probably irrelevant to the inquiry. I just don't get it. I keep coming at it from different angles and perspectives all day long with different levels of focus, from high to low. And no state of consciousness that I've experienced so far had given me any useful information about it. Nothing seems to crack its code. It just seems locked but without a key. I guess I don't need the key per se, but I would like to have it anyway. I like having control over my life, not the other way around. My highest value as of now is full control over my own life. And this bitch just keeps disobeying me.

I'm starting to get some insight into it. It's finally becoming a bit clearer. The problem was that I was afraid of a certain label because I don't like it, so I would dismiss it, and therefore when I inquire I miss it. Now that I've realized that, I can do some research and gain some perspective. After that I'll sort it out at my own pace.

------

On another note, a high value person, male or female, is a person who values and respects their time above everything else. And that would be a direct result of them valuing and respecting themselves in the first place, and life in general. It's not the same thing as unavailability. People often confuse the two. An unavailable person could be playing video games, shopping, watching YouTube, jerking off, or doing some other pointless activities in most of their spare time. That doesn't make them high value, rather just stupid and unreliable. A high value person is always looking to improve themselves and life. They're designed to make life better. They challenge the current standards and set the trends, because they have vision and are inspiring. Although, that doesn't necessarily automagically make them flawless angels. They could still be lacking in some areas, on which they can receive feedback and improve, no biggie. If they can't learn and change, they're not high value. High value is a normal person that understands, appreciates, and respects the gift of existence. They know it's an impossible miracle to be here, and yet they are.

 

Edited October 28, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

I'm not a saint. Some of my comments are motivated by ego, at least partially. I'll try to be more mindful of this fact, and I'll try to be more considerate and inclusive of other people's feelings when I post, especially when it might touch on something dear and/or intimate to the ones I care about. Usually when I care about someone, that often means they're good people that deserve the gentlest treatment and are worth the best things in the world. I'll keep this in mind and hope for peace and forgiveness 

[Gesundheit2]

Good parenting is not about sheltering your children from bad experiences. That's not the function of a loving parent. A loving parent allows their children to go through hardships, because they know and understand that struggling is part of the journey/exploration process and that there's no growth without adversity. At the same time, they understand that the children have a certain capacity, and that they should be there for them whenever they need, for support, nurturing, guidance, or even for taking over completely sometimes.

An ideal parent does not abandon their children or dismiss them, cuz that grows them into a bitter and resentful person. An ideal parent also does not fight the battles instead of their children either, cuz that grows them into a weak and dependent person. Too little love and too much love are two sides of the same coin, they both lead to dysfunction. One is depriving to the point of scarcity and the other is overwhelming to the point of suffocation. Rather, an ideal parent is like a safety net that is both aware and informative. When you have something like that, you know that nothing could ever go wrong, so you don't have anything to fear or worry about. An ideal parent provides you with a sense of groundedness. They help you build your self-esteem and confidence through this process of facing problems and overcoming them time after time again whilst knowing that you are loved and accepted, and ultimately safe, regardless of outcome. Unconditional love, without any filters or judgements. Every time you fall off and stand back up again, you grow stronger. An ideal parent understands that, and so they give you the freedom to explore, but they also provide you with the swords and shields that you might need in order to fight the dragons. They prepare you and watch over. And every time you kill a dragon, you absorb its soul and grow stronger. Your capacity increases and you become capable of fighting larger, scarier, and overall more dangerous dragons. It's a baby-stepping process, but no dragon is too large, scary, or dangerous for you baby, cuz I'm here with you, and for you. That's the message that every child needs to be breastfed until they're adults. Whatever happens out there, this right here will never change.

But unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world with ideal parents, siblings, friends, or people in general. We're all broken in one way or another. And we keep transmitting and mirroring, and therefore perpetuating and deepening those breaks for each other all the time. The answer is of course, self-love. When you love yourself, you can learn to love others. And if you don't love yourself, your love for others will be shallow, or even fake. When you love yourself and others completely, you will have achieved a very rare thing. You will become that ideal parent that you wished you had but didn't, but at the same time you are not necessarily confined to that role. When you love yourself and others, you can play the role of an ideal parent in a friendship or an intimate relationship if you want to. The roles aren't fixed, you can even play the role of an ideal parent to your own parents. You're literally overflowing with love that anyone who touches you will at least get a taste. Furthermore, you can allow that role to be mirrored back to you too when you need it, which is hard to do if you hate yourself. Sometimes, all you need is a safety net that you can depend on. Other times, you just want to be that safety net for the ones that you care about. The best relations are the ones where everyone involved has the best interests of others/the group at heart right next to theirs. Others' agendas are considered and seen as one's own. A guaranteed win-win scenario, cuz it's paramount that no one has to lose.

Edited October 31, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

So this morning I was talking with Joseph Maynor, and at some point he asked me to make a video recording of myself. I didn't like the way he told me to do it, as if he's ordering me or something. He asked me to make a video in a very direct and assertive way after he ignored a question that I asked and he left unanswered, I thought that was inappropriate. I like Joseph and will not take offence for this, even though in a normal situation I would. I admire and respect him, so I will just assume that he slipped unintentionally and that this will not happen again. I told him that it's not a bad idea and that it will likely benefit me, but this isn't the right time for me to do such things. He kept pushing but now a bit more covertly, then eventually he pulled back and stopped pushing, but nevertheless it seems that he still wanted me to do it. I'm not sure why it seems important to him for me to do so. I have priorities, and making videos or audios is not my top one at the moment. I am open-minded but I don't just do things for the sake of it. I might make an audio recording soon mainly to practice my English, because soon I will interviewing at English speaking tech companies, and I don't want to seem awkward in the way I speak, but also partially I will do it to accept the call and do the challenge. My English writing is very good, and my listening is good, but my speaking kind of sucks. I will start playing around with audio records, which I might or might not post for the public. But a video is certainly out of the equation for me now for various reasons, mostly logistic and stylistic, I don't have the right instruments or time, and I haven't been taking much care of my appearance lately, plus the semi-bald head that I'm still not sure whether to go all bald, grow it longer, or to just keep it as it is.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

So, after my post about Joseph Maynor yesterday. Today, as my usual internet browsing routine goes, I opened actualized, discord, and tiktok in order to check on my favorites, like I do everyday. These are literally all I routinely browse of the internet nowadays. I visit actualized everyday more than a few times, and I visit tiktok to see if there are any new twerking videos (oops!). But as for discord, I have only one friend there (Joseph) and one channel that I'm subscribed to (his channel), and I usually visit the site once or twice a day max. So today, I opened discord and saw that the channel was gone from my list. I thought maybe he removed it, as he's been making some changes. But then I checked his site, and the channel was still there. I opened the link and it redirected me to the discord channel. So I understood that he removed me from the channel, aka banned.

You know, Joseph. I don't have hard feelings. You do what you feel you gotta do, and I'll do the same. I guess this is where our paths diverge. It was definitely nice knowing you, very insightful content, for sure. Nothing like I've seen elsewhere, honestly. I contemplate and then apply your wisdom in my life, and it works like magic. I hope you will find what you're looking for. However, I don't take back what I said yesterday. You can make whatever you want of it.

I'll just remove my discord and move on. It's so simple. Good luck.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

God reveals the deepest of Its secrets to the weakest of Its creatures 

From Hunter x Hunter.