Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

@Etherial Cat Thank you 

I try to not identify too much with the victim story as I think that could become counterproductive and dis-empowering for me. I feel better now, and I'll let my intuition decide on the rest, like I did on here. I wasn't originally intending to write about myself, it was a general insight that I had about the middle east that tradition dominates over the individual and kills all innovation. But then somehow it turned to a whole shadow work post. Looking back now, I might have gone overboard and exaggerated some things about my parents, or rather probably discredited them. For example, they still work till this day, so they're not totally useless like I said. They're not totally bad parents or people, they just happen to have a very limited mind. I just feel mostly angry and unhappy with how my life looks like right now. I think it could have been a lot better given better childhood. But what consolidates me is that I'm not alone in this. Most of the people I know have some degree of severe traumatic past. Although some kids have it more severe than others. I would probably rate at 80% severity relative to other kids in my country. But relative to educated people like me, I would probably rate at 100%. It's a generational trauma that keeps on repeating. The medical school for me is more like an obligation, and I don't place any hopes on it. I am working on a different route for financial independence and it will start giving its fruits in the next couple of months.

I hope you're feeling better now, and I hope you got to the bottom of the pain. It can be really tough to not be able to show your wounds to others, partially because they don't share the same wounds as you, and partially because they will probably not understand, and then judge you. I find the Actualized forum's journals to be a safe space for expression. That's why I put all my shadows here. But I also do have someone to talk to and share my wounds with, my physical brother. But it's also different to express in writing alone than to talk it out with someone. I would say each practice has its benefits, so I do both. Sometimes, you just want to talk, and some other times you want support and possibly some feedback because maybe you're not being completely reasonable. I think having someone else besides you can help guide you better. This can get really effective if that person is a certified professional. I would have liked to see a therapist, but unfortunately therapy is trash here, and I can't afford to go abroad for now. But I'm doing good and improving on my own, thanks to the internet. So by the time I move out, I will probably have healed most of my wounds.

[Etherial Cat]

2 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

@Etherial Cat Thank you 

I try to not identify too much with the victim story as I think that could become counterproductive and dis-empowering for me. I feel better now, and I'll let my intuition decide on the rest, like I did on here. I wasn't originally intending to write about myself, it was a general insight that I had about the middle east that tradition dominates over the individual and kills all innovation. But then somehow it turned to a whole shadow work post. Looking back now, I might have gone overboard and exaggerated some things about my parents, or rather probably discredited them. For example, they still work till this day, so they're not totally useless like I said. They're not totally bad parents or people, they just happen to have a very limited mind. I just feel mostly angry and unhappy with how my life looks like right now. I think it could have been a lot better given better childhood. But what consolidates me is that I'm not alone in this.

Yep, gotcha. If I get what you're going through correctly, doing that work is really though on a personal level, causes many logistical issues (basically if you change and your surroundings not, it's even more awful) and so forth. And you still need to make sure you're functional enough for survival in that  hostile environment of yours...

Exaggerating about what we feel and think is quite common when we're having an emotional release through our writings. I certainly wrote stuff I disagreed with retrospectively when I had my journal, but the energy seemed to kinda want out in a certain fashion at that point. It gets out how it's charged, and has little to do with factuality. So it materializes into distorted thinking, it seems.

And if it's like very old stuff-  like deep subconscious believes- I've heard they are likely stuck at the same maturity level we had when we caught them. Sometimes they even get intertwined with more recent emotions and it becomes quite a funny and cringey mess to read, over time.

What I have found out, is that it is okay to be a bit petit and express how we've perceived things, instead of camouflaging it. That petitness is unfortunately how our ego has created a false narrative, and we know deep within it isn't true. It's just a subjective chimera, and going through that process allows us to recognize that it is a lie.

2 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I just feel mostly angry and unhappy with how my life looks like right now. I think it could have been a lot better given better childhood. But what consolidates me is that I'm not alone in this. Most of the people I know have some degree of severe traumatic past. Although some kids have it more severe than others. I would probably rate at 80% severity relative to other kids in my country. But relative to educated people like me, I would probably rate at 100%. It's a generational trauma that keeps on repeating. The medical school for me is more like an obligation, and I don't place any hopes on it. I am working on a different route for financial independence and it will start giving its fruits in the next couple of months.

Right, I've seen you trying to learn how to program. Sad to hear that even going through medical school doesn't give you any solide prospects. Is it not possible for you to emigrate let say to a place like Canada, once you are done?

Yeah, I get you on the intergenerational trauma. We're all carrying humanity's trauma since the dawn of time (some stuff has been circulating since the moment humanity started getting ego and passed until now for sure) but some cultural karmas are heavier than others. And it's not helped by the current collective hallucination and actions taken either nor by how bigger collective ego brutalize the area you're living in.

Your anger and unhappiness seems very much understandable. Every human wish they could have their needs met. Yours have been particularly let down and it sucks.

3 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I hope you're feeling better now, and I hope you got to the bottom of the pain. It can be really tough to not be able to show your wounds to others, partially because they don't share the same wounds as you, and partially because they will probably not understand, and then judge you. 

Thanks.   

Yes. An inaccurate invalidation is definitively counterproductive when you're being vulnerable. 

I think it happens quite often that people are more lenient than we think. Yesterday, I voiced out everything I thought was shameful about me and realized it wasn't at all this bad. Plenty of people wouldn't have blinked, yet I had the feeling to be hiding an old corpse in my closet.

3 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

 

I find the Actualized forum's journals to be a safe space for expression. That's why I put all my shadows here. But I also do have someone to talk to and share my wounds with, my physical brother. But it's also different to express in writing alone than to talk it out with someone. I would say each practice has its benefits, so I do both. Sometimes, you just want to talk, and some other times you want support and possibly some feedback because maybe you're not being completely reasonable. I think having someone else besides you can help guide you better. This can get really effective if that person is a certified professional. I would have liked to see a therapist, but unfortunately therapy is trash here, and I can't afford to go abroad for now. But I'm doing good and improving on my own, thanks to the internet. So by the time I move out, I will probably have healed most of my wounds.

I am building an online coaching practice and I'd be open with offering you a bunch of pro bono sessions.

I can't do much to help you out of this mess, but if you are interested I can try to create space for you and see what we could do to help you work on some of the challenges you're facing.

[Gesundheit2]

19 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Right, I've seen you trying to learn how to program.

I'm learning Web Development; websites, web apps, and that kind of stuff.

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Sad to hear that even going through medical school doesn't give you any solide prospects. Is it not possible for you to emigrate let say to a place like Canada, once you are done?

I don't know. I haven't researched and I don't feel like doing so. Medical school does not feel in alignment with my authentic self, so I don't take any proactive steps in that direction. I really don't want to work in that field, I'm just going along with my parents desires.

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Yesterday, I voiced out everything I thought was shameful about me and realized it wasn't at all this bad. Plenty of people wouldn't have blinked, yet I had the feeling to be hiding an old corpse in my closet.

I experienced something similar in the past. Then I realized that being self-critical is good in a sense. It helps you improve and refine yourself, unlike being totally okay with oneself regardless of everything. I think it's a balance, but we need both self-love and self-criticism in order to grow and be healthy. Love the criticism because it's good.

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I am building an online coaching practice and I'd be open with offering you a bunch of pro bono sessions.

I appreciate the offer. And actually, I might be able to help you out with the website, in case you are planning on creating one.

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I can't do much to help you out of this mess, but if you are interested I can try to create space for you and see what we could do to help you work on some of the challenges you're facing.

I do appreciate your concern and support, it's very lovely of you

Edited December 18, 2021 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba

Thank you for your advice regarding my sister. We took her to a psychiatrist two days ago, and he put her on 4 different meds. She's becoming more in touch with us and less afraid, but I'm noticing some things and similar themes, and I have some questions and concerns. Can we discuss and explore this topic further? I wish the best outcome possible for both of you. And I think that we both can benefit from sharing thoughts and experiences if you have time. We can talk in private if you prefer it that way. Let me know if you're in.

[Loba]

@Gesundheit2 Sure!  Send me a note, that way we can talk in private.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

It's personal. Always have been.

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

There isn't a right way for doing anything or living life. But there are many wrong ways.

[Gesundheit2]

• Drama is the feminine version of pragmatism.
• Respect survival and it will respect you.

[Gesundheit2]

Only bargain when you have the advantage, and always make sure that you have some tricks up your sleeve. Never enter a losing battle.

[Gesundheit2]

Inside the mind of Leo Gura

[Gesundheit2]

Karma is a bitch only if you are 

Different topic, today I saw Kim Kardashian in a video for the first time. She's clearly an attention whore, and a persevering one at that 

 

[Gesundheit2]

I am making great progress learning data structures and algorithms, but I feel cheated. I didn't know what this journey entails. Or to be more accurate, I thought it would be an easy picnic for a couple months and that would be it. I thought all I needed to learn was a few courses, and then apply the courses and that would be it. But that's not how it turns out to be. Technology is advancing very fast. But guides do not seem to be advancing as fast. They do not seem to be taking into account the modern additions and nuances, and they also ignore the fundamentals as if I already know them because they assume that I'm coming to them as a graduate from some IT college. So 5 years earlier, it might have been the case that learning web development was achievable in less than 6 months for an IT graduate. But in 2022, I don't think that's realistic. I mean I'm not a total foreigner to programming, but it took me nearly a year just to get comfortable. There is just so much to learn, and in many ways that's not a good thing. It means that I will have to work more and earn less than the seniors. And it means that the increasing complexity will make it harder to keep up with the latest updates, let alone learning from scratch. Today in 2022, it's easier than it will be in 2030. I imagine at that time, companies will require at least 3 years of prior experience in said speciality. In 2040, they will probably require 4 years, etc. Or maybe new jobs will get created, like sub-specialized positions. Just some thoughts before bed. Good night.

[tsuki]

On 16.12.2021 at 8:47 PM, Gesundheit2 said:

But back to my parents, I would have thought that it's reasonable and understandable that ultimately they were trying to protect me etc. I can't even put my finger on the real wound that I have to heal yet. It's very complex and hard to pinpoint. Because my parents had not in fact taught me anything. Yes, they sent me to school and whatever, but they didn't actually teach me any real or useful life lessons. And the worst part is that they themselves are inexperienced, so whatever little bs they taught me had been useless.

Your story is heartbreaking. Nobody should go through this.

When I read that you can't put your finger on how exactly were you wounded, I can relate. When reading your story, betrayal came to mind.

Looking back, I find it very strange that I knew exactly that what my parents did was not love and that I felt that I should be loved. It's like an inborn right of a child to be loved and every child knows it. I was so resentful because of it.

[Gesundheit2]

An anti-father and an anti-mother. That's them, the monsters who raised me.

But it doesn't matter, because the past is gone.

I am the son of today.

[Gesundheit2]

Plan/Outline for 2022:

 

• First half:
  1. Getting hired before June (prioritized as):
     1. Abroad in:
        1. Any western country.
        2. Any Arabian Gulf country.
        3. Monkeys-stan, I don't care.
     2. Remotely in any country that pays in a different currency.
     3. Worst case scenario, working locally, but remotely to another city is more preferred.
  2. Completing the required medical school attendance.
  3. Finishing all the materials I have left, 4 to be accurate.

So to get hired abroad, I would have to get really good at Front End Development, because of high competency. I don't think that'd be very hard, but it's not gonna be easy, either. I am working on getting a number of official certificates from University of Michigan on Coursera, which should help my resume and standing. But from what I have gathered so far, excellence and experience are far more important than any piece of paper. These certificates can help me get hired anywhere, so I will make sure to get at least one of them. I want to move abroad more than anything, because it's become unbearable in here. The restrictions and the corruption and the endless limitations and problems are too much. I could live with them forever, but they would not let me thrive. I want to thrive. I want to reach my highest potential and see what that's like. A stable environment is the only thing I'm asking for, and I will make sure to do my best to get there.

 

• Second half:

It will depend on how the first half turns out, but in general:

1. Joining a gym.
2. Creating a super healthy routine.
3. Upgrading the food quality.
4. Socializing with as many people as possible.
5. Starting up projects other than Web Development.
6. Making and keeping the money flowing from multiple sources, so that I would never have to worry about poverty ever again.
7. Fixing my health issues, eyesight, bad posture, teeth problems, etc.
8. Buying a phone, of course. (Impossible as long as I'm working locally).
9. Buying new clothes. It's been like 4 or more years since I bought anything, I really don't remember the last time I bought anything for myself.
10. In case I succeed in landing a job abroad, whether remotely or not, I will forfeit medical school and make web development my main source of income.
11. In case not, I will have to study hard for about 3 months for the National Board Exam, from June through August, and probably some more beyond that.

 

To be honest, in the bigger picture, I don't really care how it all turns out. I am comfortable with any outcome, even if it's worse than the worst case scenario than I'm expecting. Life has become way too unstable to predict, so I know how to manage my expectations. I will work as hard as I can and leave the rest to the motherfucker(s) up above.

Edited January 11, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Love the new changes. The background, the hair and beard. The energy, body language, facial expressions. Everything.

And I'm excited for more videos.

[Gesundheit2]

Mathematics

How could I have been so blind?!

[Gesundheit2]