Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

I LOVE ME

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FIFA 08. Golden days...

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So refreshing to read again after almost a year. These are definitely some of my best and most well-written posts ever. I sound really smart in there haha. Perhaps I'm smarter than I think I am.

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You all suck, and whatever you do.

Infinite Love for MySelf.

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Timestamped to the best part! ????

 

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04 - Track.MP3

Couldn't find this anywhere on the web. Even Shazam did not recognize it.

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03 - Track.MP3

Another great piece!

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Kiss Me Through The Phone.mp3

Another great song that doesn't exist anywhere on the internet.

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The only thing that's sillier than this movie is the original 50 Shades of Grey. But still, I don't know how this is not considered racist. Humans are crazy and play jump the rope with racism, that's granted. But to play jump the rope with jumping the rope, that's the next level of double-standards. Just shows you how bullshit everything is, and that survival is king.

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Joseph Maynor

I'm gonna check out some of his videos later. Glad to finally find the channel.

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"The only one that can love you unconditionally is yourself."

Great video! I will definitely be watching more of his content in the months, maybe years to come. One video per week at least.

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I've never got to a final resolution on the issue of whether Actualized.org is a cult or not. It certainly has the dynamics of a cult, which are now less obvious, and actually less existing than before. But they're still there, which raises questions and question marks for me. Currently, I'm more on the side that it's not a cult. I don't think Leo is a bad person, even though my experience with him had not been the greatest, but still he is a good person in my opinion. I think Joseph is wrong about Leo. He is not naming anyone in the video, but it's crystal clear that he has Leo in mind throughout the video. If you're familiar with his story, this should be obvious. At various points of my timeline here, I thought Actualized.org is a cult, and some other times not. But the truth is that it is a difficult judgement to make. My current view is that the dynamics do not necessarily imply intentions. The dynamics get created naturally within any community, because well that's how people work, so they're not necessarily of Leo's creation. But he might have chosen to let them happen and evolve, or he might have even done something to make something out of them for his benefit. If that was the case, I think it would most likely be unconscious on Leo's side. Why? Because socialization is not one of his strengths. So, he might have subconsciously resorted to manipulation to leverage himself, or even to simply heal his wounds and integrate his shadows around socialization. That's my current perspective as someone who sucked big time at socialization. I think it's very likely. I think if I was in his place I would have done the same things. He used to get very defensive and try to debunk every criticism of him, no matter how small or irrelevant. Right now he's becoming less and less attached to what people think of him. It's especially hard for someone in his position where your survival is dependent on what people think of you to a very large degree, so I admire and respect him for that. My survival is not really affected by what people think and I still struggle with people's opinions of me. At the same time, manipulation is part of his work as a public speaker, because his work involves marketing, and marketing is basically a form of manipulation of the mind. So, the lines get blurred here and it becomes harder to separate the two. Maybe he didn't know where the lines are. I can see that it's hard to make that distinction especially for intellectuals and people who lack empathy and suck at socializing. However, Leo was not able to entertain criticism back in the day. He would take it personally and seriously and mark you in his mind as a "hater" or a troll that is trying to take him down because you're jealous or evil or a devil or whatever, and he would treat you like that until you change and stop criticizing him. I like how he is becoming less and less concerned with criticism and what people think. I think he has improved a lot, even in his communication and how he relates to us and the world. His replies now are very smart and subtle. He knows how to say the right things and how to effectively deal with trolls. These are signs that tell me he is walking the talk and improving and developing, which means high integrity and a good heart, as opposed to what Joseph thinks. I have always been honest about what I think, even if it meant being despised or getting banned. I didn't care, and I still don't. I am not anyone's enemy, that's simply not how I operate in the world. But I tend to express myself in an intimidating way. The truth is that I often just speak my mind, and many people simply don't like to hear certain things, whether true or false.

Anyway, I like the model that Joseph proposed here. I like especially the terminology of "flying monkeys" and "useful idiots", not sure if they're original to him or borrowed from somewhere else though. I think these are very accurate descriptions for cult enablers who create the cult out of thin air, even without intending to. I had definitely clashed with some flying monkeys and had been a useful idiot at some point. The flying monkeys are probably the worst part of the dynamic. I like how smart Joseph is and how sharp and accurate his judgements are. But on this issue I disagree and think that he's biased and possibly still feeling hurt, which is probably an unresolved trauma that has become part of his shadow. But of course, we cannot know who is right. Maybe after all Leo is just an imposter and Joseph is right, even though very unlikely imo. The only way to know would be to meet Leo in person, know him directly, and then make the proper judgement. But for now, this is all guesswork and unverified assumptions.

@Joseph Maynor Tagging you here to let you know that I am enjoying your content and that I always appreciated your wisdom ever since you were a member here, and to give you my perspective.

Edited December 15, 2021 by Gesundheit2

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Send love her direction, make the connection

Make the connection...

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It's a really tough thing being raised by bullies and half-parents.

I remember when I was a kid, I started questioning whether I was adopted or not. I know now that a kid's intuition is always an indicator of some hidden truth. That truth in my case is that for me, both my parents were basically the most terrifying monsters throughout my childhood. It would have been totally different to have been an orphan and get raised by strangers. At least, you'd know they're not your real parents and so you would not feel wrong, but rather oppressed. I always felt wrong. Afraid, too. Raised by a pussy and a dictator father, and a masculine with borderline-personality mother. It might sound strange to describe someone as being a pussy and a dictator both at the same time, but it is the case with my father. He's only a dictator inside the house, with his family, because we were weak and needy. But outside the house and with others, a tool and a doormat, a failure that is incapable of anything. I got hit a lot all throughout childhood and even early teens. None of my siblings got nearly as much as my share of the hitting and the beating, but I don't hold that against them. I'm actually happy for them, not jealous at all. I hold it against my parents who were very tough with me.

But my story does not stop or begin there. I remember probably at 3 years old when a "Shiekh" which means the old man who teaches Islam in the mosque, in my case to kids. I remember that traumatic experience of being held upside down and hit on my feet a complete one hundred times, fifty hits on each foot. All the kids held me up and the Shiekh used a thick wood stick to perform the "reformation". But that would not have been a complete punishment yet. It was winter and he ordered cold water for my feet before the beating. The reason, I pushed my sister and she fell down on the floor. That was my crime.

But back to my parents, I would have thought that it's reasonable and understandable that ultimately they were trying to protect me etc. I can't even put my finger on the real wound that I have to heal yet. It's very complex and hard to pinpoint. Because my parents had not in fact taught me anything. Yes, they sent me to school and whatever, but they didn't actually teach me any real or useful life lessons. And the worst part is that they themselves are inexperienced, so whatever little bs they taught me had been useless. I have literally been going over and learning everything step by step by myself by making countless mistakes for the past 7 or more years. That could have been less severe or even completely avoided with high quality parents. I had to reinvent the wheel and learn everything about life from scratch, and I have come a long way even with all the poverty. My stupid parents lived and grew up in prosperity and fairly good circumstances, and they didn't take advantage of what they had. Low IQ, lazy asses. Animals. They did not read books or even socialize in their spare time. All they did was watching TV. And now all they do is mindlessly surfing the internet. They haven't changed and they never will. They don't learn, not from their mistakes, not from anyone else's mistakes, and not from anything. No change is possible without learning. They're anti-wisdom, religious obsessive nuts. I learned more about Islam in 5 years than they have in 5 decades. I read many books and dived deep into Islam, and then transcended it and moved to a higher level, to true spirituality. The funny thing is that they think they're smart. The cherry on top of all this farce and sarcasm. How can they be this useless and still survive until now?! Just shows you how much dependent on the system they were and that they did nothing on their own, and that the system makes up for a lot of idiots. They'd been standing up on the shoulders of the giants, and when the giants fell down, they had no parachute, and they could not save themselves or us. Just two purely toxic expressions. I am surprised that I'm not exactly the same. I mean I have been, and still am to a certain degree, but I'm moving away from them. So that's what they are, a liability on everyone and a leech on everything.

To grow up without a role model, or someone to look up to. That phrase sums up my story, but it doesn't give it justice. Emerald once said that a traumatic experience is relatively easy to resolve, because at least you can pinpoint it. But unmet needs, they're a lot harder to fix because you don't have anything to contrast your experience with. How could I know that I needed a role-model in my life?! To grow up without a higher self and then to copy every other "self" you see. It's just ridiculous and pathetic.

I don't remember having a single real conversation with them as a child. All I remember is the gaslighting and the useless morality speeches, and I only remember them because they're still repeating till this day. Now when I talk, they intuit that I'm wiser than them, but they're still the same two clowns. The dictator, and the preacher. And now I have to carry them on my back until they die. I feel morally obliged to do that. In fact, they're the only real motivation behind anything I do. The money I make is not mine, and I don't really want it. I don't need this human life, at least for now with this little money. When I become rich, things will probably change, I will probably change. When I become rich I will pay them money to leave me alone. I will buy my freedom.

The bullying will likely be a story for another time. Holy shit! I have a lot stored inside, but I'm not sure I should let it out.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Gesundheit2