How to deal with / deconstruct own inflated ego (narcissistic)?

[Loving Radiance]

Please cut the honey talk and shake me to the core. I need that.

 

Background: Coming back from a NY temple retreat (western SD green tantra) I took a step in embodying my desire, by owning it. Before that I repressed desire through repressing any expression of anger or rage (thus creating a peaceful spiritual character) which was caused by frustration.

In childhood my mother expressed her anger in hitting furniture most often because of exhaustion through emotionally demanding workdays. I did not accept and wasn't understanding of that. I wanted to not be that. People always said I am calm & patient. Go figure.

Whenever a desire came up I got frustrated, angry and cried. Not knowing what to do with that desire. God forbid any expression, that would be disastrous.

I was hard: Playing what I imagined to be a somewhat mature character when in fact it was insecurity with an enormeous pent-up load of anger.

Now being somewhat soft and allowing I just go for what I desire (still learning how to do that slow & consciously).

 

I just want to express desire now (feels like an entitled child that has control issues). Painful insights about LR's personality hit me left & right (love these beatings), I have an inspiration or my curiosity is sparked, and I just want to express it through sharing:

• I feel entitled to speak over others and am hurt when it is stopped.
• I feel that this expression of desire & of what I value (Fi - Introverted Feeling) is most important to do.
• I am impatient with others or pretend to be patient to be loved.
• I feel caged in when someone limits me in any way of expressing what I desire to share.
• I do things, then others tell me I did it for nothing (me wanting to express something) and I get angry at them - I want to punish them for the things I have done out of my own making.
• I use every comment about me as feeling important (as being on a pedastle while others are at the bottom even when the comment could be seen as devaluing me).
• In my mind I am preoccupied with fantasies about my brilliance.
• I center conversations about me even when the topic is not about me (sneaky). Pretentious mf.
• I am envious of others and believe others envy me.
• My emotions are fully felt and the behavior is somehow uncontrolled.
• I feel others and use my sensing of their divinity (in any shape or form) to make them be strong and to adore me in how glorious I am in my angelic expression to empower them.

Someone at the retreat was intuitively ultra receptive and had a narcassistic relationship in the past and knew the energy of me which confirmed my observation. She got angry in the time of us sharing a space together and I enjoyed it.

That's it for now. Expose my bs.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Loving Radiance
typo

[mandyjw]

Pure desire doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Pure desire just feels like love. 

You are becoming more aware OF yourself, when you want to just become aware. Become aware of these thoughts about yourself and others as you have them without believing that they are a true reflection of you. Or them. You are unnecessarily owning and trying to release behaviors you find bad and therefore, judging, creating, identifying and perpetuating them. If the thought about yourself feels bad, it's off. Listen to feeling, not thought. It's not about a mental judgment of "am I bad?" 

Also maybe just take some alone time now. 

[Loving Radiance]

@mandyjw  Yes, I take a quarantine now.

It feels good to get the exposing insights in how I am creating what I think I am. "Nah, you are just playing games. Which is fine of course. Children have to learn."

This desire is innocent (being of a child) and not directed as it feels destructive at the moment. I want destruction (it feels like I want to overcompensate here again with burning habitual structures to offset years of prior repression, see the shit-loat of anger).

One can call out narcassistic tendencies in a loving way without the label of bad you know. It feels not healthy.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Natasha]

@Loving Radiance Learn to put yourself in the shoes of others. Empathy is the main thing that narcissism lacks. And I'm not talking about cold/conceptual empathy, but being able to identify with the emotion of another, feeling their pain. And another big one is becoming conscious of your feeling of entitlement and grandiosity - realize no one ever owes you anything and you're not the best thing since sliced bread 

[cetus]

2 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

That's it for now. Expose my bs.

  If you don't find a satisfactory answer here no worries. Life will eventually expose your bs.

[VeganAwake]

There isn't a you period.

Just a bunch of conditioned thoughts identified with as the 'ME' character.

When this is truly seen, that whole illusory self structure will start collapsing.

Stop identifying with thoughts.

There already isn't a you.

You were never bound.

This is the freedom longed for. ❤

 

 

[Loving Radiance]

@Natasha There is sympathy. When the feeling has been felt before it can be constructed how they feel with the context they provide.

 

@cetus It is truly devine. A blessing.

 

@VeganAwake I am not there. However what feels good is to see these dynamics unfolding.

I am free, I am love and I claim to be that. I claim to be the radiating sun, to be intuition.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Ingit]

20 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Pure desire doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Pure desire just feels like love. 

You are becoming more aware OF yourself, when you want to just become aware. Become aware of these thoughts about yourself and others as you have them without believing that they are a true reflection of you. Or them. You are unnecessarily owning and trying to release behaviors you find bad and therefore, judging, creating, identifying and perpetuating them. If the thought about yourself feels bad, it's off. Listen to feeling, not thought. It's not about a mental judgment of "am I bad?" 

Also maybe just take some alone time now. 

As I have Social Anxiety issues and try to overcome it every time I experience it, like certain behaviors..... So I try to release my behaviors.... how should I approach on releasing such behaviors....cuz I find the behavior is the thing which creates social anxiety !

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Ingit said:

As I have Social Anxiety issues and try to overcome it every time I experience it, like certain behaviors..... So I try to release my behaviors.... how should I approach on releasing such behaviors....cuz I find the behavior is the thing which creates social anxiety !

I deal with social anxiety too, so I know exactly what you mean. It's our focus on acting in way that we DON'T want that actually causes us to act exactly that way. Its self awareness.

You need to focus on what you DO want from the interaction. Often we never define this for ourselves. "I DON'T want to say or do something awkward" is not a strong enough compelling vision.  What we DO want is to have a loving interaction. A loving interaction is when we are totally present with a person, listening and enjoying what they say and fully engaging with them. We can't do this when we are extremely self aware, which is what the anxiety and trying so hard not be awkward is. We want to have conversations with people who enjoy talking to us. We cannot be enjoyable people to talk to if we're so afraid of the interaction because we are afraid of saying something awkward. So basically you want to make the intention to enjoy conversation. If you have a carefree, hilarious friend, one that when you're with them awkward moments just make for more hilarity, and therefore can never actually become awkward at all, that's perfect. Picture how you feel with that friend. Connect with that feeling of complete ease in interaction then try to find the same feeling with conversations with strangers. With strangers and other people we have to get more creative to find ways to connect and find things to appreciate about them. But that's the key basically, just appreciate the other person and you won't be thinking of yourself. Then what you say just sort of flows and they will naturally enjoy the interaction. It's easier with some people than others, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. 

It's not releasing the behaviors in that you have to act them out in conversation and feel awkward, that's practicing them, not releasing them. You just have to become aware of your own self awareness when it crops up and change your focus. 

 

[Ingit]

@mandyjw I got it... explained wonderfully ❤️❤️ While Reading this I pictured in my mInd how weirdly and comfortable I am when with my Some rare friends and eventually will try to merge the same open-ness with other people while interacting too... Thank u

[Loving Radiance]

2 hours ago, Ingit said:

As I have Social Anxiety issues and try to overcome it every time I experience it, like certain behaviors..... So I try to release my behaviors.... how should I approach on releasing such behaviors....cuz I find the behavior is the thing which creates social anxiety !

Oh, Mandy's answer is actually good. I already wrote the following paragraphs, maybe you or someone else can derive something from that. Her responce is maybe better advice for you - you decide what's good for you.

 

Rather than focusing on the behavioral dynamics of me repressing desire I dug into my past to why I did that. Every time I felt a desire I repressed it and it didn't felt good. Now it feels good to express desire no matter if the desired outcome is achived or not.

God wants you to live your highest potential and designed you to feel. Why do you feel anxiety? What is the root cause of you believing that and it transforming into a bodily reflex?

Maybe releasing (like I did) or experience with intentional conscious exposure (I do that with my hygiene compulsion in combination with letting go) is good for you.

Releasing:

1. You pinpoint the root emotion.
2. You express it through being physically active.

For me it was anger/rage and I punched (making a fist with my hands) a meditation cushion as fast as possible while putting force behind it and keeping my hands at least at head level if not higher.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Ingit]

@Loving Radiance ?? wow ! For me t be truthful here, when I was in Mid-School My mom use to make me wear old fashioned clothes and At school my classmates  used to make fun of me of how I look... so therefore until now I am insecure of how I will look and what if people rejected me based on my looks and my physique as I am slim. ?

[Breakingthewall]

@Loving Radiance you ego is a mess. Normal, it's an ego. Trascend the ego is the only way. Fix the ego is working for nothing. If your ego is a shit, welcome. More reason to trascend it. Tell to you ego, your remembers, your mess: bye, as soon as you can

[Loving Radiance]

@Ingit Gotta show the world these outrageous clothes Intentionally own the stuff you present to the world.

Talking to these funny people, "You don't like me based on my clothes? Pff, you better are out of my life cause I don't want to interact with those kind of people in my life who judge me for my outward appearance and won't apprechiate me for how I express myself."

 

@Breakingthewall Is shining light on the identity structure something that you would consider as part on transcending?

[lmfao]

@Loving Radiance Sounds like you're fine and experiencing whatever facet of life, as valid as any other dimension someone else is exploring. 

"Narcissism" is a spectrum I guess, and my memory would have me believe I can sense seeds or faint amounts of it in people. But I'm also learning to withold those judgements and keep an open minded.  Because I personally very easily fall into the trap of getting cocky by prejudging things. 

 

I think you're excited like a child, gorging your mouth full of food. I can relate, because I'm doing the same thing, in similar and unsimilar ways. 

I'm just hedonistic about having as much variety in my experience and surroundings as possible. It's why I deeply resonate with chaotic archetype characters in fiction. It's a good step up from depression and (memory-driven)-stagnation, and the only way I can escape boredom, but I can go overboard. Entering the old compulsive loops I was trying to avoid. 

[Breakingthewall]

15 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

Is shining light on the identity structure something that you would consider as part on transcending

Im not sure if I understand what is shining light on the identity. I meant to stop to be you...to indentified all the thoughts that are forming your "I" , that basically are all your thoughts, and de-identify with them. take a step back and see them for what they are, an illusory construction, and go to the real, the here and now where the immutable being that you really are is. Everything that is not that is to go around in a circle even if it seems to you that you are moving forward. you think you have your ego almost fixed, and you are exactly the same as at the beginning. It is not a matter of improving, it is getting off the wheel. I think that for that the ego has to be really tired of itself, that's why I said that having a shitty ego is lucky

[VeganAwake]

15 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

 

@VeganAwake I am not there. However what feels good is to see these dynamics unfolding.

It feels good for who? There isn't a 'you', those are just thoughts.

I am free, I am love and I claim to be that. I claim to be the radiating sun, to be intuition.

There isn't actually an 'I' there to claim anything. 'I' is a thought. There isn't a 'you' to be free or bound, those are just thoughts.

So Freedom was always the case whether or not it was recognized. ❤

 

[Loving Radiance]

3 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

I am not there. However what feels good is to see these dynamics unfolding.

It feels good for who? There isn't a 'you', those are just thoughts.

I am free, I am love and I claim to be that. I claim to be the radiating sun, to be intuition.

There isn't actually an 'I' there to claim anything. 'I' is a thought. There isn't a 'you' to be free or bound, those are just thoughts.

So Freedom was always the case whether or not it was recognized. ❤

Thanks

 

@Keyhole Thank you. 434 Love-Joy-Hope state of being.

[Ingit]

@Keyhole ??