How to deal with bad depressive days?

[Stakres]

I'm in my early 20s. I've been depressed for years since childhood, however not much seems to help me. Over the last 2 years I have been working with psychologists and psychiatrists. I've tried CBT, Escitalopram (Lexapro), Agomelatine and I'm currently taking Venlafaxine (Effexor). Nothing has really helped so far.

I have a really good job and career opportunities, I live in a safe country, have food and healthcare and my basic physiological needs are covered.

I feel lonely and shame myself for not being able to quit porn. Love is missing and I cannot find a girlfriend. Some days are ok, but many are pretty bad. I don't want to do anything and want to just lay in bed, but simultaneously shame myself that I'm not working on my goals. 

The only couple of days when I felt good, content and really happy in my life were: when I took LSD or psilocybin and couple of days of Lexapro. Lexapro might have triggered hypomania, although my psychiatrists says it wasn't hypomania. Maybe I just felt "normal" and happy for the first time. 

I don't want to give up, so I'm trying to take part in psilocybin/LSD/DMT/Ketamine research studies. But to be honest it's really hard until I can get those treatments, and I feel that I'm not getting better.

 

Nothing really makes me happy. I feel like something is always missing. I'm not sure how to deal with the bad days.

Do you have any tips or pointers on what I can try? How can I deal and "survive" the really bad days?

[Gesundheit]

Have you tried any breathing exercises at all? Say, for example, the Wim Hof Method?

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Gesundheit

[PepperBlossoms]

@Stakres I'm sorry you aren't feeling well!

Some thoughts - 

A - Sadness is a natural emotion.  Could look into the root cause of what is triggering it and letting it linger.

B - Could do some research on how to grow your own stuff if relying on the research is too hard...

C - Creating ways for your life to be more creative can be helpful - what can you do so that creativity just starts to happen all the time and pretty easily?  What tools do you need, what situations do you need to put yourself in?

D - You may start to feel better when you can come to the point that you just have to start working on your goals and can't not do them - it may feel super great and powerful! 

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[Ima Freeman]

You can use music as a powerful tool to motivate yourself.

When you're at home, lying in bed and have bad thought loops, go for a walk. It may be hard to pull yourself up, but being confined in a room for hours with depressing thoughts is not good. You can listen to a podcast or music while you're outside.

Instead of going online and opening porn you can just blow your load quickly, don't argue with your porn-addicted brain. 
It's less taxing for you that way and if you do this for a time your brain gets rewired. Porn addiction will cease.

To identify why you might feel so bad and for ways to improve your mood I would recommend "The End Of Mental Illness" by Daniel G. Amen. May be a eye opener for possible causes of your depressive mood.

[Stakres]

@Gesundheit  Yes I have tried breathing exercises, including Wim Hof and Christopher Hyatt's "Undoing yourself" methods. Those temporarily felt good, but depressive thinking and feeling always kicks back in fairly quickly. 

@PepperBlossoms Pretty much the only activity which helps me feel a bit better and creative is programming. However, I often think that programming is a "waste of time" because it doesn't help me to achieve my goals (fitness, improving social skills and starting a business). Other than that, nothing really makes me "happy". As you suggested, I might try to acquire my own psychedelics, although I definitely want to trip with a professional psychologist next time, to guide me through the experience and facilitate healing.

@Ima Freeman Going outside helps a bit, but even being outside my thought loops are still present and after getting back home everything is like before.   I have tried orgasming without porn. It works sometimes, but lately became more difficult, possibly because my addiction is so bad, but maybe also because of difficulty with sexual arousal as a side-effect of anti-depressants.   Thanks for the book recommendation, I will check it out. 

 

I always feel like something is missing. I have tried to meditate and feel into my body on what that missing thing is, but I can't seem to find an answer. Probably love, belonging and being cared for. Once, on the day after a weed high, I woke up and I felt 'complete'. Nothing was missing and I didn't feel like I have to do anything but I could do what I wanted. It was such a nice feeling. Several trips have shown me the same perspective. What could I be missing? What is the path to feeling content/complete?

[Gesundheit]

@Stakres I know this is probably the most used up cliche ever, but you just need to surrender and accept yourself as you are. Remove the thoughts that tell you that you are missing something, because they're untrue. So just ignore them if you can, or in case you can't, investigate them. Easier said than done though.

[mandyjw]

Make sure you have all the practical stuff checked off. 

Do you get outside everyday? Do you get enough vitamin D? What's your diet like? Do you exercise? Do you have a creative outlet? Do you interact with people on a regular basis? 

1 hour ago, Stakres said:

 

@PepperBlossoms Pretty much the only activity which helps me feel a bit better and creative is programming. However, I often think that programming is a "waste of time" because it doesn't help me to achieve my goals (fitness, improving social skills and starting a business). Other than that, nothing really makes me "happy".

This is a big part of your depression in my opinion. Creativity is timeless. "Waste of time" does not apply. Make an intention to counterintuitively make the time for your "waste of time." If it makes you feel better and what you want most of all is to feel better how on earth would that be a waste of time? Explore all the limiting beliefs about this. You only want success from your goals because you believe that they will make you feel good. Do what feels good and your goals will come much easier. 

On 1/2/2021 at 6:39 PM, Stakres said:

How can I deal and "survive" the really bad days?

I've experienced this too, and believing that you have bad days can add to the frequency and downward spiral of a bad day because in your mind you've too soon identified it as a bad day. 

Make a list of things you really enjoy doing but don't often take time to do. Try to do two or three things from the list everyday. Waste some time on yourself this way, intentionally. You'll notice the bad days don't come as often. 

Have you gone into mindfulness or meditation or much? Take every thought captive. Do your best to question and become aware of every thought with curiosity. The ones that feel good, let yourself really enjoy them. Don't doubt them. The ones that feel bad, don't believe. What is the desire in the bad feeling thoughts? In every negative thought is a desire, even if it's a general desire to feel good. When you do feel really good, think about how you can act on working toward your more tangible goals and desires. If you don't feel good enough to take action on bigger goals then just refer to the list of small things you enjoy doing. It also helps to start small and make lists of small desires. New piece of art in my apartment, find new book I'm excited to read, try a new recipe, that kind of thing. 

[Nahm]

On 1/2/2021 at 6:39 PM, Stakres said:

Nothing really makes me happy. I feel like something is always missing. I'm not sure how to deal with the bad days.

Happiness is literally nothing, no thing, not of this world...ever present, all pervasive, Being ‘this world’.

Quote

Do you have any tips or pointers on what I can try? How can I deal and "survive" the really bad days?

Instead of looking for happiness, inspect beliefs and let go of those which you create as barriers to who you really are. It can be helpful to trace this way of thinking back to who you learned it from. Probably mom or dad. 

Faith in choosing what resonates with you, in terms of patience, and seeing what momentum is for yourself is the key. 

Don’t drag the unwanted story around anymore. Let it go, cry out emotional misunderstanding. 

Meditation...the ‘other than thinking’. 

[Tech36363]

@Stakres I suggest introspection. What is the root cause of your depression. Lack of girlfriend? Porn addiction? 

[Mu_]

On 1/2/2021 at 6:39 PM, Stakres said:

I'm in my early 20s. I've been depressed for years since childhood, however not much seems to help me. Over the last 2 years I have been working with psychologists and psychiatrists. I've tried CBT, Escitalopram (Lexapro), Agomelatine and I'm currently taking Venlafaxine (Effexor). Nothing has really helped so far.

I have a really good job and career opportunities, I live in a safe country, have food and healthcare and my basic physiological needs are covered.

I feel lonely and shame myself for not being able to quit porn. Love is missing and I cannot find a girlfriend. Some days are ok, but many are pretty bad. I don't want to do anything and want to just lay in bed, but simultaneously shame myself that I'm not working on my goals. 

The only couple of days when I felt good, content and really happy in my life were: when I took LSD or psilocybin and couple of days of Lexapro. Lexapro might have triggered hypomania, although my psychiatrists says it wasn't hypomania. Maybe I just felt "normal" and happy for the first time. 

I don't want to give up, so I'm trying to take part in psilocybin/LSD/DMT/Ketamine research studies. But to be honest it's really hard until I can get those treatments, and I feel that I'm not getting better.

 

Nothing really makes me happy. I feel like something is always missing. I'm not sure how to deal with the bad days.

Do you have any tips or pointers on what I can try? How can I deal and "survive" the really bad days?

I've been down a similar road in my past.  Shaming and wishing things weren't the way they were, didn't help, it only made what was happening worse.  I'd force myself to do things with shameful motivation rather then later learning to just accept I had a draining emotional experience at times and to accept it.

I'd start with stopping the shaming, and shaming that you do in general, both inwardly and outwardly.  This is not going to help.  I'd accept your desire to lay in bed and do nothing while at the same time lean into your desires to do some goals that you have.  Just do what you can, even if its a little, call it a victory.  The more you do this, the easier it generally gets and the more motivated you feel in the future.

Also forming a practice of gratitude in which you spend a few minutes each morning and or evening just reflecting on what you do have, the basics, things that not everyone has, and perhaps finding gratitude in this.  It may not feel natural at first, but the more you do it the more it may click and start to feel natural.  Take my word, you dont want to wait till you lose a friend, your sight, an arm, your job, until you feel its lose and wish you had it back.  Recognize what you have today and each day and just say thanks, to life and to self.

Give it a go for a few weeks and let us know how it went.

[Michael569]

How is your overall health? Do you get outside often? Do you skip meals regularly? Exercise? Sleep? 

[Stakres]

@Tech36363

22 hours ago, Tech36363 said:

I suggest introspection. What is the root cause of your depression. Lack of girlfriend? Porn addiction? 

The cause of depression is probably both: porn and being lonely. I used to feel quite a bit better when I was in a relationship. Porn addiction was almost not an issue in my last relationship.

 

@mandyjw

On 04/01/2021 at 1:11 AM, mandyjw said:

You only want success from your goals because you believe that they will make you feel good. Do what feels good and your goals will come much easier. 

True. I feel quite a bit of pressure to become successful, grow in my career, make a lot of money, have cool experiences which I have missed out on so far, etc. It's fairly difficult to do what feels good for a moment when I feel like missing out on growth and being young.

 

@Mu_

18 hours ago, Mu_ said:

I'd start with stopping the shaming, and shaming that you do in general, both inwardly and outwardly.

I often struggle with advice like this. "Stopping bad thoughts" is easy to do in my experience when I feel good, and pretty much impossible when I feel bad and would need it the most. Trying to "accept" even the bad thoughts makes me focus on them forever and go down thought spirals, in my experience. 

I'll definitely try to be more grateful and focus on small improvements. 

 

@Michael569

8 hours ago, Michael569 said:

How is your overall health? Do you get outside often? Do you skip meals regularly? Exercise? Sleep? 

I don't sleep very well and want to sleep for 12 hours per day. Not going to the gym at the moment because they have been closed (but also don't work out at home). I stay inside most of the time. Food is purely functional for me, I don't really enjoy food and cook basics.  In my experience all this is more a symptom of feeling down, instead of the other way around. Well, it's a self-reinforcing loop. But I wanted to go outside, meet people, exercise, etc when I felt good. On bad days (most days) it's difficult and I don't see a reason to do all those things.

 

@neutralempty

6 hours ago, neutralempty said:

Get slowly off any psychiatric drugs first and foremost before handling your depression otherwise. Any effort will be in vain as long as you're still on them.

Why do you think one should stop antidepressants? Why would that hinder the efforts to ease depression?

 

@Nahm

On 04/01/2021 at 4:20 PM, Nahm said:

Instead of looking for happiness, inspect beliefs and let go of those which you create as barriers to who you really are. It can be helpful to trace this way of thinking back to who you learned it from. Probably mom or dad. 

This kind of "spiritual" advice was easy to implement when I felt good. Unfortunately during depressed days, when I need that the most, it's very hard to actually do.

[Michael569]

6 minutes ago, Stakres said:

But I wanted to go outside, meet people, exercise, etc when I felt good. On bad days (most days) it's difficult and I don't see a reason to do all those things.

Maybe it would be worth the effort to push some of those things back. Once you can regain more drive and energy, it would be easier to pursue your spiritual goals as well. 

[Nahm]

 

1 hour ago, Stakres said:

This kind of "spiritual" advice was easy to implement when I felt good. Unfortunately during depressed days, when I need that the most, it's very hard to actually do.

I can appreciate that perspective. I don’t think of it as spiritual advice. To me, reading all that you’ve done which hasn’t helped... non-doing, what to let go of, comes to mind. I hear ya though, hope you’re feeling better asap and wish you the best. 

[Grateful Dead]

On 3.1.2021 at 0:39 AM, Stakres said:

The only couple of days when I felt good, content and really happy in my life were: when I took LSD or psilocybin and couple of days of Lexapro.

Why not go deeper into psychedelics?

[berry]

I'm almost fully recovered from a two-year long Major Depressive Episode. All thanks to putting in the work.

The Sedona Method has done wonders from me. Do yourself a favor a buy of few Hale Dwoskin audio tracks on his website. 
There are also some free ones on Youtube.

Do some every day and don't stop. Take your most painful emotion and dive deep into it until it dissipates.

I suggest keeping up the CBT practice. Also didn't work for me at first, but mixing it with Sedona has 

Some more tips:
- Get a pet for your daily oxytocin + to have something to care about
- Don't quit the escitalopram until you're no longer depressed. If you're taking anti-anxiety meds, think about getting off meds so you can actually feel your anxiety (with sedona) and eventually get it out of your system entirely. Has worked for me 
- Don't force meditation if it feels like shit

For surviving the really bad days: just stay in your bed and make peace with your current state. Radical acceptance.
Allow yourself to indulge if a day is too hard and practice not beating yourself up for it. Also, ask yourself what this depression is here to teach you (cause it's here to teach you something). Your soul is putting you through this challenge so you can evolve to the next level. Tell yourself you'll rise up to it - and you're not in a rush, you will manage. I recommend reading Rumi and also reading Dark Night of the Soul by Master del Pe. Learn why you are in this state and how you can overcome it eventually. Also do some of his exercises for clearing up your blocks and for increasing willpower. 

Best of luck and cheers

Edited January 7, 2021 by berry