Using Online Sites To Escape My Loneliness

[AlldayLoop]

Ever since I was 10 years old, I've used the internet to socialize. I literally spend most, if not, all of my time online.  In the beginning as a kid it was just talking to a group of people interested in Pokemon (my obsession at the time). But later in my teen years, and until now, I've been using sites like Omegle or MeetMe to talk exclusively to people of the opposite gender.  I use the online chats to try to get into relationships (it doesn't work of course). But on a deeper, scarier level, I use it just to  send pics of my fetish to them (just to arouse myself, but of course the other person is unaware of that).  I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and OCD at the age of 16 (along with the usual ADHD, depression, anxiety). I am now 20. Top all that off with school refusal since the age of 13, and I've literally poisoned my mind with all this time wasted on the addiction. I also stay home almost all the time, every day.

I hid my obsessions, addictions, and fetish from the therapists and psychiatrists. It was easy to hide all this from them since I act like a "regular" person when I'm in public. Also, I don't want to make this as an excuse, but also because of being Asperger's, it was hard to express myself and I always kept things to myself.

I've been on different kinds of meds in the past, but now I'm planning on getting back on medication, this time with consistency and being honest with the doctors.

Can anybody relate to this kind of struggle? I just watched Terry Crews' videos on his battle with porn addiction (it's on his Facebook page) and it really motivated me to change and also to know that I'm not alone in this. Love to hear your comments and feedback.  Thank you!

Edited September 28, 2016 by alldayloop9

[Capethaz]

@alldayloop9 May you be truly happy and free from suffering.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Capethaz

[Andrea Marchetti]

I would advise you, before giving yourself to doctors, to try to get out and speak to people... Try to find a group of people through work, school or various activities like courses or anonymous groups, where you talk to other people. I know it can be hard and scary but I think that's the cure for many problems. In facts, many problems are just escapes from staying with other people. You don't have to like them if you can't, but just talking about bullshits or your interests or thoughts, or also your addiction, or even quarrel with them.
I have kind of the same problem, kind of social anxiety which has been often phobia, and lately I recognised that if you face voluntarily what you fear it looses grip on you. I stay alone most of my time anyway but now things are getting better, since I know that I want people to love me and not refuse me, which is what was causing me anxiety. But by knowing it I lost many fictitious problems... Because if now people don't love me I just suffer, my mind doesn't escape into shit. So in your case, fetichism (I also had many thoughts and behaviour like this in the past) is caused by the fictitious impossibility of getting a real woman and fuck her: your sexual energy is trying another way out. But it's just your mind creating this problems. If you want to, just go and try. You have to force the part of yourself who is afraid and letting the part of yourself who wants sex to act more freely.
If you escape loneliness in websites it will never satisfy you as real people, so try with real people. Just do it. Let them see you afraid too if you are, don't hide it.
Of course, research (not much) people, don't go to young idiots who think they rule the world. Speak to older people at first, to people in shops. When you see a beautiful girl you will think of her sexually for sure, don't just stay there thinking that she will refuse you and it's better to release sexual energy with porn. Go there and try to say even just Hello. Try to fuck her. Drive your sexual energies towards sex with women.
Bring your energies, whether sexual or social, back to what they want in the raw form. So, for fetichism try to approach a girl you want to fuck, for web socialising try instead to speak to people in streets, in shops or whatever, old friends, family and speak to them, also listen to them.
Also don't think of you as: I have Asperger, OCD, anxiety, etc.. These are just mere psychological consequences. These are not you. I know they can be debilitating, but if you understand that you are not these things, that you are behind psychological issues then things get better. You can see where the real cause of these issues is and then you can act. By fixing one single unsatisfied desire you will fix all the psychological problems. You just have to be honest with yourself... Come back to your raw pure nature. Fetichism or masturbation is not raw, it is just 'wrongly' sublimed. In facts, it is a regression.
Seek sex, seek people. Because when you fuck a woman you like all your previous ways to satisfy sexual needs will be converged into this latter, because it is more satisfying... Same things apply to people who already fuck a lot of women, it can happen that a woman is not just sex but he is in love with her, so when he'll have sex with her satisfaction will be so great compared to before that fucking women just for sex will loose any attraction. It is something that just happens, you don't have to force it.

If you want to have a particular meditation to help your energy to get back to the raw pure form then try Osho's Dynamic Meditation. Try in groups, where there are sexual energies meditations too.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Andrea Marchetti