Realized I am God, consciousnesses and I am FREAKING OUT. Where is LOVE? help?

[Arthur8769]

19 hours ago, Upsidedown Astronaut said:

In my recent venture to explore unconditional love I have found that it feels like a vast open spaciousness inside me, this is similar to your description but the choice of words might help it seem less isolating.  Since recognizing the connection of love to this inner welcoming space I find it much easier to let others in and connect with them emotionally.  Maybe you can relate to that some how.  Before this my definition of love was very distorted, transactional and Egoic.  In myself, the opening up to others is paralleled with feelings of deep inner peace and completeness and this is where the unconditional feelings towards others grows from.  I feel so complete that there is nothing else in life to do (this relates to your existential anxiety perhaps), no desires, so I feel the draw towards helping others around me with no effort and no expected return of transaction.  I was able to find this feeling of vast inner space and peace, accompanied with a quiet mind, after doing 2-3 months of intense focused work on Ego dissolution.  Daily I obsessively lived every moment possible as a meditation of empty mind and only awareness.  I am now able to let go of my mind with ease and simply be aware and calm at any given time.  It is in these moments when I feel that deep inner peace and that spaciousness we're talking about, which I'm coming to know as love as I learn to use it to let connections with others, life experience and the beauty and mystery of the infinite creation fill me.  I feel like this is love I am experiencing, it is different from the selfish forms of love I have known.

Maybe you can relate to something I mentioned.. 

I am still looking to have an Awakening to Love as I continue forward, as Leo suggests, it will be greatly helpful.

Hey, Thank you so very much for sharing that with me and the rest of us!

I can actually relate to some of the things you said and some of them I found very beautiful like your description of emptiness inside you as being something that allows you to connect with others more easily and more genuinely. I think that even FEELING these experiences that you are describing helps to grow and get closer to actually feeling these things yourself. so very much thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[Arthur8769]

19 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Of course he didn't go all the way. He dipped his toes in and flinched

That's exactly it. I didnt know what I was getting into as I had never experienced that. And now I was and still am trying to understand it and work on myself again  

[Arthur8769]

4 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

He is not wrong he is describing some part of the nothingness. It is possible to experience it without love, I had the full blown nothingness without love years ago. The pit of the void, dark night of the soul. I also had another distinct awakening into "Heaven" perfection/love recently.

Nothingness without love is terrifying. Or nothingness without One-ness. The mind freaks out.

@Arthur8769  Be kind to yourself, ground yourself. Nature is a miracle. If you look for beauty, you will become absorbed by it. beauty in see hear feel. Nature, music, people/animals.

Hey, thank you for that. I can relate to what you're saying.

I have taken a step back and really allowed myself to ground back into reality, took walks and did grounding meditation and it has helped a lot. I am now becoming aware of love, small step after another.

How did you end up experiencing full blown nothingness and then an awakening to love and perfection? What did you go through? Have you just been sitting in meditation focusing on your awareness?

What I found myself doing is just sit and pay attention to my sense of awareness. Curious to know your experiences if you're okay with sharing them!

Edited January 4, 2021 by Arthur8769

[Arthur8769]

17 hours ago, Someone here said:

@Arthur8769  sorry but a lot of what you described is totally BS. Awakening is not solipsism. Well as far as I know lol.

If I'm to be totally epistemically honest.. I have no idea if there is "other" conscious bubbles out there other than me.. It could be all my dream.. But the fact that I'm typing this comment to you means I chose to believe that you are an aware being or however you wanna put it. If you were all "alone"... What's the point of reaching out and asking figments of your imagination on an imaginary forum for validation and "help"?. I would advice to adopt radical open-mindedness but also radical honesty. Because I'm struggling with the solipsism syndrome as well.  This notion that you are "alone" is not something you definitively know. 

Hey thank you for your different approach to the matter as it has helped me understand it better!

I think I have understood that part of what I had experienced was driven by thought and not self-awareness and self-inquiry.

 

@Endangered-EGO you might relate with the following description? when you said you also had a very frightening experience of nothingness. I'd love to know how yours was.

Removing all the paradigms, the earth and the universe from the picture of reality was an exercise and I think my mind made up a vision, in which I was feeling and existing as an all filling "spirit" of just nothingness. Kind of like an empty universe. With nobody else in it, no beauty, no love. And that was very terrifying because my mind had dropped me in this inhospitable place, kind of like floating aimlessly through space. It was a nightmare. And it shook me up very much inside that I had to do some grounding work to come back to reality in a way.

 

Also being able to name this as you've said "Solipsism" has helped me to understand it better and to realize that what I had experienced wasn't really THE TRUTH. It's also helped to understand deeper that I am in fact not alone as I'm just a "part" of a greater consciousness. So thank you for that!

However this experience I think has helped me look within more, and really just listen to awareness and let emotions flow as they come. Also some exercises about really just letting yourself feel the emotions you're experiencing.

Also thank you very much for the video recommendation and the time stamps too! I think I might listen to the whole thing in the end but what I did listen to was very helpful !! Talks about how we created ourselves and this universe and it is pure beauty and love and how it couldn't be any other way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Arthur8769

[Arthur8769]

@Ryan R

Hello

I cannot thank you enough for how much thought and work you put into this. For starters I want to thank you for encouragement me to continue with spiritual work regardless of the frightening experience I had. That is very much what I think I will be doing!

Also a big thank you for the exercise you mentioned about feeling the love of somebody else or of you loving somebody. I find that I appreciate the love I feel inside the most if I just sit in acknowledgement of the existence of awareness and love. I find it very deep and genuine.

I do have some exercises to open up your heart and have been doing them for some time now and have found that they really change the way I feel. I used to be (and still kind of am) a very head and rationality oriented person and exercises to open the heart have really helped me to quite down that part of my mind and make the emotional and loving part grow and rise more.

And the best part I think was your exercises regarding the ego. You made a very good list of them! Some of them made me laugh as I've never heard of them but are nonetheless valuable and effective! I will integrate some of them into my life and see how it goes  I have lost some sense of self from when I embarked on the spiritual journey. I think that even just focusing on awareness in silence makes you realize you are more than just a brain in a body and that does quiet the ego down quite a bit. And that's roughly where I am, still walking the path, and feeling love also makes the ego quiet down as you realize you are more and more. More than you thought you were.

Thank you lots and wish you a happy life!

 

[Lyubov]

when the body adjusts and relaxes into this it is a beautiful experience. just keep going. trust me, this total emptiness is heaven. 

[BakeJeyner]

@Arthur8769

Dude I totally feel you. I just watched the video as well and I am shaking.

Some backstory if you're interested: I've been working on personal development/spirituality for the past year, starting as an effort to combat depression. A couple of months ago I decided to try shrooms for the first time, and my reality was flipped inside out. During the trip it felt as though I was imagining everything, a physical reality didn't exist, I was eternal/infinite, and that I was alone. I had never felt anything like that in my entire life, and it was by far the most intense and scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. I always thought that the realization of what you really are would result in a good feeling, but all I felt was complete despair. That being said, I've been getting better every day and learning to feel my feelings and face my fears. A lot of emotional labor and ego work, and I'm still chugging through it all.  I wouldn't call myself good quite yet, but I'm not in absolute hell anymore, even though it feels like I'm a slip away from falling back in.

Back to the point: I saw the title of this video a couple of days after the trip and put it off because it scared me so much. Now that I finally decided to watch it, it gave me the same kind of feelings/realizations I had during the trip. I don't think you are in as dark of a place as I was, but what really helped me to start recovering (shoutout to @Nahm, you're the best!) was realizing that these negative reactions are (probably) my ego's reactions, and that consciousness can feel good. From there I've just been doing my best to feel my feelings and get in touch with the present moment. Trying to move forward day by day.

Glad to see somebody else having similar problems with this realization other than me. Also I apologize for being self centered in this post, but I just got told that I'm the only thing so cut me some slack lol .

[BakeJeyner]

Additionally, I have a question about solipsism. I find the notion of being the only bubble of awareness odd. For the sake of this argument, lets define the "self" or the "I" as the bubble of awareness.

Claims:

1. I am awareness.

2. All that exists is my awareness.

3. All of you other people are just in my awareness and being imagined by me, and don't have awareness yourselves.

Question: Why does everyone else claim they are aware as well; is that just part of this "reality" that I'm imagining?

But more importantly I like to look at this from Leo's point of view.

Claims:

1. Leo is awareness.

2. All that exists is his awareness.

3. Every other person in his awareness is being imaging by him, they don't have awareness themselves.

Question: Why would he make a video guiding other people into their own awareness?

I've heard from other non-dual sources that there is only one consciousness, and logistics aside I can accept that, but thinking that none of the other similar beings I'm aware of aren't conscious themselves (and that I'm the only center point of reality) just seems weird. My leading idea (and I know its only an idea I'm applying on top of my direct experience), is that god consciousness has split itself up and, like waves on an ocean, and each wave of that consciousness experiences the center of their reality and interacts with other waves.

Let me know what you all think, I look forward to see what you have to say!

Edited January 4, 2021 by BakeJeyner

[SamueLSD]

On 02/01/2021 at 11:48 PM, seeking_brilliance said:

The good thing about being empty is that you can fill it with whatever you want. And it will never overflow ?  what exactly were you expecting love to feel like? 

Well said.

In addition to this, @Arthur8769  , are you open to the suggestion that you have already decided what to fill it with? 

[VeganAwake]

On 1/2/2021 at 6:41 AM, Chris365 said:

To the 'I', the ego, the unconditional Love will feel like a less powerful, less intense version of the egoic , needy, directional, normal human love.

The challenge is realising that unconditional Love is just that, unconditional, and it Loves everything that arises in your experience, a stubbed toe and your child the same.

Your sense of loneliness and meaninglessness are what the ego assignes to that experience. Of course, the ego is imaginary, and the work is in making this actual.

Like ? ❤

[Endangered-EGO]

@Arthur8769 The experiences were years apart. It was trauma induced DP/DR. However during the 6 months were I was regularly absorbed by the void, I was often so absorbed by beauty it was incredible, everything was more vivid and intense.

If you want to get out of the nothingness, I would recommend not to rebuild a "stronger self" but a loving self. I made that mistake. It made me feel miserable.

In case you are interested how I experienced that one-ness heaven, I merged with the feeling of my right hand and asked " What am I if the only thing there is is the hand feeling?" --> Boom ego death, and I slowly glided into heaven for a few days.

I am out now, back in samsara

Shinzen young would recommend you try to love the experience to death. Watch his video on youtube about the dark night of the soul.

He is my favorite meditation teacher. 

[Arthur8769]

14 hours ago, BakeJeyner said:

@Arthur8769

Dude I totally feel you. I just watched the video as well and I am shaking.

Some backstory if you're interested: I've been working on personal development/spirituality for the past year, starting as an effort to combat depression. A couple of months ago I decided to try shrooms for the first time, and my reality was flipped inside out. During the trip it felt as though I was imagining everything, a physical reality didn't exist, I was eternal/infinite, and that I was alone. I had never felt anything like that in my entire life, and it was by far the most intense and scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. I always thought that the realization of what you really are would result in a good feeling, but all I felt was complete despair. That being said, I've been getting better every day and learning to feel my feelings and face my fears. A lot of emotional labor and ego work, and I'm still chugging through it all.  I wouldn't call myself good quite yet, but I'm not in absolute hell anymore, even though it feels like I'm a slip away from falling back in.

Back to the point: I saw the title of this video a couple of days after the trip and put it off because it scared me so much. Now that I finally decided to watch it, it gave me the same kind of feelings/realizations I had during the trip. I don't think you are in as dark of a place as I was, but what really helped me to start recovering (shoutout to @Nahm, you're the best!) was realizing that these negative reactions are (probably) my ego's reactions, and that consciousness can feel good. From there I've just been doing my best to feel my feelings and get in touch with the present moment. Trying to move forward day by day.

Glad to see somebody else having similar problems with this realization other than me. Also I apologize for being self centered in this post, but I just got told that I'm the only thing so cut me some slack lol .

Hey

Thank you very much for sharing that! I very much appreciated reading all of it!!

I can only imagine what it must have been like having an experience like the one you are talking about!

I wonder how common it is?

 

Looking from outside yours but also my experience too, which was way less intense I believe, I can say that it really seems like the some part of our mind freaks out when we feel this eternal and infinite sense of consciousness. And it feels very lonely because we only get to experience OUR perspective of consciousness and because we feel how infinite consciousness can be and so our rational mind does 2 + 2 = you are an alone consciousness. Which in a way is true but it's not the whole story. Somebody else's perspective is also part of the eternal consciousness that exists. You just didn't experience it.

Also wonder why we can't experience somebody else's point of view?

 

I found that sometimes I read a phrase or think of somebody that really clicks inside me and that opens a new door. Makes me change my perspectives. One very recent example is realizing that when I intentionally feel love, I am not faking an emotion but creating it. If everything is emptiness and nothingness it means I can fill it with love. Like God would. And that was quite beautiful to realize.

Do a lot of grounding meditation, focus on the present moment, go for walks and try to experience love as others have said too! The experience I had very much changed something inside of me and it made me grow, even though I'm scared to admit it. And I'm sure by doing those things, you will start feeling much better too!

 

as a footnote.. I also found myself pondering why do spiritual work when it seems so common experiencing fear and utter terror. I think I have answered that with peace. I am a much calmer person than I ever used to be. I had OCD and depression and panic attacks, on a daily basis and was struggling quite a bit. I have found that meditation and spirituality have helped me out like I never would have thought possible. I always went through, and still go through, meditation or whatever practice I'm doing with deep trust. I trust the process. Whatever I go through I have this trust in the process. and I think that has helped a lot too when coping with these unpleasant experiences.

I have gained more than I have lost overall I believe, and I hope it is the same for you my friend.

[BakeJeyner]

@Arthur8769

I feel like my experience is somewhat uncommon for someone taking shrooms for the first time, but definitely feel that the experience aligns with other people's teachings and psychedelic trips.

Ya there's definitely a freak out aspect we have towards these realizations. And as someone who is still very ego identified, it makes perfect sense. Relatedly, I just watched Shinzen Young's dark night of the soul video, and he said that sometimes when people start to experience nothingness (infinity, nothingness, it's all the same ) they freak out, and that the remedy is to notice that freaking out isn't nothingness, and to find the nothingness behind the freak out. I found that to be pretty powerful.

And in terms of the solipsism aspect, I'm still very confused. However I don't think that immediately doubting/combating it is the correct remedy; I feel that accepting the possibility and regrounding in direct experience is the path forward. But just to regurgitate a theory I've already posted: I like to think that we are all waves in the ocean of conciousness, and that when we go into the depths of conciousness we realize we are alone the ocean, and each wave is a perspective. It's a cool theory that explains other concious appearing beings, but also explains the aloneness.

I'm still very immature in terms of emotions. I came into this state from a state of depression, so trying to fall back on my emotions is like trying to get off a sinking ship onto a sinking lifeboat lol. However you and this thread have shown me how important positive emotional work is, and that's definitely something I'm going to add to my regimen!

I'm also very immature in being grounded lol, historically I've been very anxious my entire life. But I'm currently making big steps to learn how to ground myself: mindfullness, presence, exercise. And deep down I know too that these darkest days can be the ones that provoke the most positive change depending on our actions/interpretations. Looking forward to seeing the light!

It's good to hear that you have your own anxiety issues as well and that this path has really helped to manage them. And my answer for why the spiritual work is filled with fear is that fear occurs when our sense of self is being challenged, and spirituality is all about realizing who we really our.

I'm just doing my best to enjoy the journey each day, even if at this part of my journey it feels horrible. The only way out is through, and I hope we can both continue to strive towards the truth even though the road is paved with fear.

Thanks for the response, and even though you posted here for advice, you've given me an invaluable amount of it . Wish you the best of luck and hope your experience is wonderful!

[Ryan R]

In regards to this solipsism question that some here including the OP are asking and so many seem concerned with elsewhere, I kinda addressed it in point 2 of my previous post (totally-totality misspelling and all, ha):

" Recognize that you are a gateway for the Love of All Being even as you are a part of All Being...  For bonus points expand the spaciousness, the gateway of Being Love, to the point where it creates a void larger than your body, then larger than your bubble of perception, and realize that by virtue of being a part of All Loving Being, outside space-time, you are also the absolute totality of It."

"The absolute totality of It" means being the One and only, alone, but also infinitely beyond any fear or sadness surrounding this aloneness... We could say it's a matter of point and scope of view, the way we frame who and what you think you are or if we see You as altogether unframeable.

There are persistent challenges in enlightenment teaching surrounding the fact that none of the language, symbols, or models we construct to communicate ideas are ever completely accurate to Truth. Furthermore, are we to teach from the bottom-up human perspective or the top-down God perspective or readily mix these two for authenticly but thereby risk confusing the hell out of mostly everyone, lol.

Leo is masterfully articulate and very precise with language in service to Truth. What he offers in "Guided Exercise for Realizing You are God" pushes but does not cross the boundaries of what anyone who sincerely follows his direction can directly experience, yet few will well understand. He cut deep to the limits of otherwise limitless Truth in individual physical human perception while simultaneously opening the door for transcendence and, very importantly in this specific exercise, eliminating many avenues of fantasy.

The highest hard Truth for the egoic self and everything attached to it is that it, along with everyone and everything else, does not exist except in the Consciousness that is God. It is not that reality doesn't exist outside your own mind, but even your own little mind-body does not exist outside God-mind. This is not so much solipsism, but Truth and Truth is Good. Solipsism Syndrome to my understanding is often aligned with narcissistic and negative potentially harmful human behaviors. God-realization integrated into embodying God-consciousness makes a human One seemingly walking the world interacting with perceived others a profound, peaceful, positive force of Nature. If it is a sort of meta-solipsism, it is a kind of absolute Divine healthy and happy solipsism nothing like what is met when most use the term medically or even philosophically. Again, it is also highest Truth in the here and now and cannot be legitimately argued against in Reality. It is what it is regardless of how we label it. It is the Truth of God. God is Love. Truth, Love, and God are all absolutely Good, so embrace Your Oneness as the awesome blessing of Being that It is!

Having this understanding in no way limits you from enjoying life and all seeming others. In fact your relationship with life will be so deepened that you can become conscious of Life enjoying you enjoying it, lol! You can play in the world of form as God always has, just with much more conscious loving Awareness.

Yes, in the transcendent absolute state of resting in God as God as Creation, everything, and I mean everything in what we humans call existence, has a "bubble" essentially like what you believe the dream that you are has to the limits of each things given form. This knowing opens a floodgate of speculation, fantasy, and BS that only serves to derail and distract most seekers, so forget it and be you being God until the time comes when You are truly knowingly God being you.

[BakeJeyner]

@Ryan R

Thanks for the response on solipsism! I watched a video yesterday by Rupert Spira called "Sinking the Mind Into the Ocean of Awareness", and I think I started to feel that feeling of spaciousness/nothingness, as well as a feeling of contentness and peace. I'm definitely going to continue to focus on that kind of exercise, but after reading your earlier post I also want to focus on moving that spaciousness to my solr plexus and open up my heart. Thanks for the great direction!

As for solpisism itself, I just want to know (man I sound like a little kid lol):

1. That others are aware as well. I don't care if we are the same awareness (I'm actually starting to see beauty in that), I'm just concerned that no one else has a sense of "I am" like I know I do.

2. Even if my experience is not directly aware of something, that that something still exists. For instance: Leo said in his video that if I am not directly aware of the earth than the earth doesn't exist. I can understand that from my minds limited perspective this can be interpreted as true, and that earth is a fantasy/explanation blocking me from directly experiencing my perspective. But for whatever reason I have a huge problem with thinking that just because I'm not directly observing my girlfriend at her work that means that she doesn't exist and doesn't actually work. I want to believe that the world will continue to spin on without my mind's direct awareness of it, that it still exists inside God's conciousness even when my little perspective isn't aware of it. To put it in another way: that this universe is God's dream and that I am a perspective of that dream, but not the only perspective.

That's the biggest rub I'm facing atm, and I truly feel the way out is to transcend rather than to take on any answer given here as a belief. I just hope that some words can help put me at ease until I realize the Truth for myself. Thank you!

Edited January 5, 2021 by BakeJeyner

[OBEler]

@BakeJeyner I had the same thoughts as you. I think what he means is the following:  if you close the eyes, you dont know if the room exist. Because it is not in your direct experience, the room does not exist for you. But at the same time if I have open my eyes the room exist for me. So which reality is true? The answer is both. Reality is subjective.

 

[Ryan R]

@BakeJeyner

Your perspective is the only perspective that you are likely aware of in direct experience. You can trust direct experience when it is pure and free of: labeling, judgment, chatter, conjecture, stories, fantacy, problem solving/creating, and commentary, etc. This pure direct experience with a quiet unclouded mind is in it's highest form Truth observing Truth, but even when it's not it's the path to Truth and as close to Truth as you can get at any given point in your spiritual journey. I've not watched Leo's "Realizing you are God" video in weeks, but I believe this was the main point it was driving at.

Teachers are always trying to say essentially the same few things in a multitude of ways. In this exercise Leo tied together presence, ego "death", and self inquiry to arrive at a very grounded BS free version of God realization. Not at all coincidentally his prescription also touches on the body-mind facet of what it is like to be an awake human Being, yet he said little of the emotional and spiritual components of such an awakened Being. He speaks on these at length in many of his other videos so maybe what would best serve those of you who are feeling bad is to go watch some Actualized.org videos on Love.

Look, let's cut to the chase. There are no problems. If any of this is seeming problematic please realize the problems are definitely illusionary/egoicly created. As far as the realities, individual agency, and the general not-being-philosophical-zombieness of others, especially when outside your direct experience, others are every bit as real, sentient, and approximately as aware as you are in the conventional bottom-up human perspective. Yet, you cannot really know this from your own direct experience, so in the order of things it is once removed, a step back, from Truth. Don't let that stress you out or create problematic thoughts and actions.

If you ever get to the place where the boundaries between you and not-you really break down and permanently dissolve there is only intense beauty in Being Consciousness. Please understand God knows exactly what it is like to be the egoic human you along with everything and everyone else. You do not lose or permanently forget human level divided consciousness when God-consciousness is realized. They are one in the same, or the seemingly smaller is a subset of the ultimate if you like. When you gain a top-down perspective you will still have a bottom-up perspective at your disposal.

All of this concern with solipsism, fear and anxiety over Emptiness, the questioning about feeling no Love, etc, is distraction. I feel for you guys and valuable pointers for awakening have been shared as a result of all this distraction (HA, how you like them apples ego!, lol) but just work through it all as quickly as you can. If you happen to have enough control over your mind to do so, just push all this egoic BS to the side and forget about it or become comfortable with "not knowing" and thereby not worrying. In discussions like this so many are always so focused on knowing so much. It is far more helpful to surrender all knowing and needing to know. This is my advice and I know nothing