Taming The Ox

[Gesundheit]

Setting the vision for 2021, and the trajectory of the next decade;

1. Taming the ox.
2. Rediscovering the body.
3. Learning Chinese.

1) What does taming the ox mean to me?

The ox is the mind, and it's conditioned in a way that is not in perfect alignment with the body. It's conditioned in an inauthentic way. My objective here is to perfectly align the mind with the body in a way that allows me to be perfectly aware, strong & healthy, rational, and practical. And for that, I have to make a special effort in order to raise my awareness to extraordinarily high levels. Disintegrating & Reintegrating the ego. Creating a more enhanced version of the ego and a better understanding of the mind, body, heart, self, life, nature, society, etc...

Conditioning consists of two components:

1. Patterns.
2. Emotions.

The two components are interrelated. They cannot be separated. The patterns are maintained by unconscious emotions. And the unconscious emotions are reinforced by the patterns. The journey of untangling and dismantling that relationship is going to be extremely difficult and messy. And it's going to require complete honesty and accountability, which is what this journal is going to be for (in case I don't lose focus ).

Basically, what that means is that 2021 is going to be focused on unwiring the brain from various bad habits and addictions, and on replacing them with better healthier habits and higher awareness of the body and its needs in the present moment. I want to develop a better relationship with the gift that is my body. I want to reach a state of complete lack of emotions and all that petty fearful nonsense, while at the same time being highly aware of my body. Emotions are a sign of sickness and they shouldn't ideally exist in a healthy body. They're maintained by fear, which is the ultimate underlying unconscious emotion. I want to have a full conscious ownership over my mind & body, decisions & actions. I want to become totally unaffected by the outer world and all the appearances. Grounding myself in my bodily sensations is probably the best way to do that.

2) I got the inspiration for practicing body awareness from Rilles. I think it's in perfect alignment with my plans. I will start doing a formal practice of 30-60 minutes per day. That should help me rebuild my discipline, and formal practice is the best way to explore new practices. You have to follow maps at first. Then, after a while, I will integrate the practice into my day-to-day life so I won't have to practice it formally anymore. It won't be just body scans. It may include strong determination sittings, but it will definitely include breathing & body relaxation practices. I'm aiming at entering deeper meditative states and merge more intimately with myself through that practice. We'll see how it goes.

3) As for Chinese; The west will probably fall in the next decade or two, and in the meantime the east will rise and take the lead. It is only wise to be prepared for that moment. And even though there's not much I can do at the moment, learning about China and its language does not sound like a bad idea. It is a small investment, with a very huge potential. Plus, it is fun.

[Gesundheit]

I didn't realize that this model did actually originate in China. Now, there's no wonder why there's not much information available on the internet around it. It seems like learning the Chinese language is going to be very useful both in the short and long terms, and in various areas.

.....

One of the very first, yet most important things you learn in medical school is the distinction between a sign and a symptom. A symptom is simply something that the patient comes to you complaining from. The patient does not necessarily tell you about it, but they're aware of it, like crystal clear awareness, so it is easy to find. On the other hand, a sign is a symptom that the patient is unaware of and yet the doctor should have enough wit and experience to discover, or rather uncover, and signs can be tricky to find.

Why is this distinction important? Because this one distinction is what makes the biggest difference between a good doctor and a bad one. If you aren't good enough, you won't be able to make use of all the theoretical knowledge that you have accumulated over the years, and so you will make bad assessments, or at least inaccurate ones. And here comes the distinction between actual diagnosis and differential diagnosis. Actual diagnosis is supposed to be the exact condition or sickness. Differential diagnosis is the list of possible conditions for the collection of symptoms and signs that are present, and the actual diagnosis has to necessarily be one of them. Good diagnosis is the most crucial factor in good treatment. If you don't have enough clarity on what you're dealing with, then you're not going to make very effective treatment plans. You're going to be confused and all over the place, not knowing what your patient is actually suffering from, therefore turning all your theoretical knowledge into trash.

Here, I want to bring modern-day academic medical knowledge into spirituality and see how it’s going to work.

A patient is present to your clinic, and you have got to find out what the problem is. You start by gathering information, which is called history taking, and then you proceed to physical examination.

1) History taking is essential. I don't want to explain it here, because I'm not qualified yet, and there's already plenty of detailed guidelines for that everywhere; such as this link: https://www.medistudents.com/en/learning/osce-skills/other-skills/patient-history-taking/

I will keep in mind all the steps involved in history taking and put them to my practice here. In fact, I already do that to a certain degree, so I just need to take it to the next level, and then to mastery.

 

2) Clinical examination consists of 4 major principles:

1) Inspection.

2) Palpation.

3) Percussion.

4) Auscultation.

The actual process of clinical examination is tricky to learn and apply, and it requires practice. However, it is almost irrelevant to my work here. I just mentioned this as to extract the external structure and apply it to my work.

The main objective with clinical examination is to seek and find signs that are usually hidden, and then use them to reach the proper diagnosis. With spiritual work, it's a little bit different. There is one and only medication, that is awareness, and we already have it. We just need to bring the signs into awareness, and they will heal automatically. If we just bring up those signs/dysfunctions without applying awareness, they will just play out like nothing has happened, and they will keep being consistent, or in best case scenarios, they will get released for the moment but then they will come back later as if nothing has changed. The only way to cure them once and for all is by applying awareness.

 

Now, this is where it gets interesting:

How to bring up hidden signs/dysfunctions in the first place? In other words, what are some ways to invoke them? (I'll get to that later).

Another question is that why aren't these signs/dysfunctions already apparent in our ordinary experience? The answer is that they are indeed present, but they are not apparent because they are buried deep in the unconscious mind under layers of unconscious patterns, and we are so adapted to them that we can't see how they're actually dysfunctions and how they're distancing us from happiness and robbing us from energy, and more importantly blocking us from presence. For that reason, it is worthwhile pausing for a moment to contemplate and appreciate the significance of what's being lost on us here. Really, it is a tragedy that we've exchanged this way of life for stupid conformity & brainwashing. We have exchanged the whole for the part, and the infinite for the finite. And the irony is that all of that is because of fear of death. We actually prefer living a miserable life than to die living the good life. I think I may have digressed here.

 

Anyway, the structure of physical examination basically consists of two categories:

1) Passive techniques.

2) Active techniques.

Like I said in the original post, conditioning consists of two components; patterns & emotions. Now, I'll add that emotions consist of two components too; thoughts & feelings/sensations. 

 

Passive techniques are their own points, because the conditioning is there, but it's not being made aware of. By practicing passive techniques such as meditation, journaling, body awareness, etc... The conditioning will become made aware of, and it will break down automatically. It will be just a matter of time and focused effort. Kinda like agriculture, you just take care of your land, and your land then will take care of you.

However, with active techniques such as breathing exercises, questioning, shadow work, etc... It's different. Because unless there's active awareness involved in the process, it will be pointless to do anything to begin with, as stated above, because awareness is the key to making progress here. So, here it's important to use the practices to invoke dysfunctions and then as the patterns become apparent, you hunt them down with awareness. Kinda like luring a prey to a trap. You sucker it into the trap of awareness, and then you let awareness eat it up.

 

More insights are coming soon...

[Gesundheit]

Been practicing and experimenting a little bit with body awareness and breathing techniques and mindfulness. Here's a list of all the unconscious patterns that I have recognized so far:

• Popping fingers & neck. Sometimes due to feeling a little bit of pain.
• Clipping nails with other nails. Especially when I am stressed.
• Multi-tasking. Like there's not enough time for everything.
• Making drum sounds with the teeth when listening to music. A weird thing to do, but yeah.
• Pushing teeth against each other, or tongue against teeth to feel them.
• Tension in the lower jaw. I've tried Wim Hof breathing and the lower jaw was the only thing that tingled. There's still tension, so I will continue with the Wim Hof Method.
• Tension while asleep. Probably similar to the above.
• Bad posture. Due to bad conditions, which probably causes/adds up to the tension mentioned above. I'm not sure what to do here.
• Phone/internet addiction: specifically forum. I keep checking the forum unconsciously throughout the day. Also, Whatsapp, Facebook, and Telegram to a lesser degree. I should probably create rules for using the internet. But what about the phone?
• Scarcity mindset. It has improved, but it's still there from the times it was necessary.
• Can't leave acne and other stuff alone. I don't know why, because even if they're not painful at all I still can't leave them alone.
• Picking my nose when I'm alone. Similar to the above. Some stuff in my nose make me feel uncomfortable and I have to remove them.
• Talking stupid shit. Like throwing words here and there that don't have any context, mostly from the music I listen to. Also, humming certain parts of the most recent music I listen to. Why would I say anything when I am alone?
• Losing presence during conversations. It's like I'm not really interested in what the other person is saying so I just turn off my thinking mind and therefore I lose presence.
• Staring at girls. Especially ass and thighs. When I'm walking in the streets, I don't look at their faces. My eyes go straight to the ass and thighs. If they're shapely, I look at the face. Pervert lol.
• Porn and certain sexual fetishes. Especially the ass and thighs. I just love 'em.
• Checking exes profiles. Like once or twice daily, but not all exes. Just two.
• Playing video games. Just one game, but not necessarily daily. Posture probably causes/adds up to the tension problems mentioned above.
• Losing presence while eating. Not enjoying the food fully. Why even exist if you can't enjoy your food?
• Picking irregular hairs off of my head. I guess it's similar to the acne thing.
• Watching the views count on my journal, and on certain other things to compare things. As if the number adds any real significance to my life. Ego.
• Fear of hurting others psychologically. Feelings of guilt, blame, and shame. Not so bad though.
• Opening tabs and never ever returning to them again. I have hundreds of tabs that I was supposed to read sometime near when I first opened them. Now, they're unread, but I still don't close them.
• Music. My drug (more info below).
• Lack of direction. Due to too much deconstruction of the self.
• Moving quickly & without mindfulness throughout the day. Similar to the multi-tasking thing. I should slow down my pace.
• Introvertedness. Turns out probably my introvertedness is egoic. I'm not sure yet, but probably. Plus, probably some self-image problems as well.
• Selflessness. Due to prior Islamic conditioning.
• Desire to not edit posts on the forum.
• Reading posts twice after posting them, and correcting misspelled words.
• Contracting muscles around the eyes when the sun hits instead of closing my eyes on looking less directly into the light.
• Kicking stuff while walking, like cigarette butts and other small things. Due to my teenage years football obsession.
• Biting lips when they're dry. And wetting lips all the time.
• Climbing up the stairs quickly. Running and/or skipping steps.

There were other things that I have recognized but I didn't write down immediately so I forgot what they were. And I'm sure there's still more stuff to uncover. But anyway, I have to start somewhere.

I think most people have a lot worse unconscious patterns than that, both in number and degree. I have worked my way through a lot of things in the past that now I have this list, which is very mindful and perfectionistic of me. Even though most of the patterns I have seem harmless. But the goal with spiritual work is to reach the most perfect states of being, not doing. I'm sure most people can't even reach that degree of subtlety when it comes to recognizing unconscious patterns. Now, most of these patterns fit under Leo's definition of addiction to a certain degree but not all the way. I can't go a week without desiring these things but I don't necessarily feel a craving for all of them, but I do feel uncomfortable if I try to quit. Some of them I would consider extremely subtle, and some of them are more obvious. But I have to make certain categories for the things that I can definitely do without immediately, and the things that can wait for another time. For example, music and porn to me are crucial at this point. I can't let go of them even if I wanted to. I've tried so many times and failed. My current state of consciousness does not allow me to do it. Music puts me in deep trance/no-mind states that I need at this point, spiritually. And porn I just can't because then what do I do with the sexual energy? Maybe tantra, but I don't think it can be learned from books. It probably requires actual teachers. My dose is about 1 hour each two days and only when I jerk off, so it's not that big of a deal, at least now. Maybe if I cured myself of all the other subtle addictions then I will be able to pull it of with music and porn. I mean music, maybe. But porn, I'm not sure. Maybe after transcending the need for music my state of consciousness will allow transcending sexual desire. I'll leave these two addictions to the finals, or maybe to more advanced stages regarding the ox.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Gesundheit
Added a few more patterns...

[Rilles]

Nice! Unconcious patterns and tics is something I will become aware of too. I notice I tense my jaw and drum with my teeth too.

[Gesundheit]

@Rilles Ha! And I thought I was alone lol. Thank you for the spark, and best of luck there! You won't regret it.

.....

Dancehall music, and SP! Such a unique voice and a great talent that never gets old and only gets better with time. The way he creates the lyrics is just beyond human! Of course, I'm not talking about the depth of the lyrics. That's not the important part. It's how he turns the lyrics into music. He sets the lyrics to the beat, and brings every dead beat to life. Sometimes, he literally locks it. Just incredible!

Doesn't matter the message, serious or fun. Focus on the music generated by the lyrics. That's what I like most about Dancehall music. Jamaicans have such a way with the lyrics that you can't help but surrender to the Riddim. People who care about the meaning don't know what they're missing out on. And honestly, I find most of the "deep meaningful" songs to be full of shit and word salads. And even then, there's no good rhyme. So what's the point of singing? Can't they just leave the music alone? Do they really feel the need to ruin it with their 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

Ooookay. So this is a simple illustration of how I perceive addictions to work. I want to make a few general points, and then I will discuss different strategies and solutions:

• I like to make a distinction between what I call "positive cycles" and "negative cycles". What that means is that there are two categories of addiction; addiction to doing stuff (positive, e.g. porn, drinking, video games) and addiction to the avoidance of doing stuff (negative, e.g. overthinking, introvertedness, losing presence while doing stuff). Positive addictions are rooted in neurosis. Negative addictions are rooted in resistance. Both of which are rooted in fear, of course.
• The cycle of addiction applies to/can be used to understand and heal: OCDs, perfectionism, neurosis, psychological suffering, depression, anxiety, relationships and attraction, boundaries, self-esteem, self-image, self-love, and others.
• The cycles are not necessarily pathological. In fact, it's how humans operate in general.
• The cycles are made of energy, in various degrees. More patterns = less remaining energy. Make sure that you know where you are putting your energy in.
• There are several ways that I have found to dismantle that cycle. Some ways are proactive, and others are more passive. But the general rule of thumb is mindfulness/awareness, of course. The purpose of the cycle is to keep repeating itself. That's how it keeps itself going. The three main anchor points make it hard for it to break. However, through proper understanding, we can use the model to achieve desired outcomes.

(1) One way for breaking the cycle is to block the flow at any point.

There are different variations for this;

• For example, stopping the pattern will block the flow. And then, energy will accumulate in the other two anchor points and on their pathways. So, if you stop doing any addiction, you will have thoughts that tell you to do it. If you don't listen to the thoughts, you will feel certain sensations that won't go away until you follow through again with the cycle. Doesn't matter where you make the blockage.
• You can ignore the thoughts, but then you will feel sensations that won't go away until you return to the pattern. If you keep ignoring the thoughts, you will end up going back and forth between patterns and sensations. You feel the urge, and you immediately act on it.
• On the other hand, if you somehow block the sensation, for example by distracting yourself with something else, you will have unconscious thoughts that will eventually lead to and manifest in the form of the original patterns.

You can also interrupt the cycle at the pathways between any two anchor points:

• You can interrupt the pattern-thought pathway (unconscious) through being mindful of the thoughts that accompany the patterns.
• You can interrupt the thought-sensation pathway (emotion) by understanding and taking ownership of your emotions.
• You can interrupt the sensation-pattern pathway (conscious) by being present while experiencing the sensations and by developing more bodily awareness.

All/any of that has to be done with awareness. Otherwise, there won't be any progress.

(2) Another way for breaking the cycle is to overdrive it at any point.

There's not much to say here other than what's been said above. If you do anything in excess, it won't be as desirable as it was before. Desire is always doomed to death. Whether you allow/feed it or block/deprive it, is irrelevant. Again, awareness is key.

(3) Another way for breaking the cycle is creating other cycles.

Or what I call "comparative awareness". This has to be done consciously as well, or else it will add up to the problem instead of fixing it. You replace the current unwanted cycles with others that serve similar purposes. That'll make it easier to detach from either cycles, and you will have the luxury of seeing the cycles playing out from a meta perspective.

.....

Will contemplate more and see if I can add more insights.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

New distinction: Seeking vs. Non-seeking practice.

There's value in both, but each is different unique ways. I have been practicing a non-seeking practice for probably a year by now. And truth be said, I have had many deep & profound insights, probably some of the most advanced insights ever. Advaita Vedanta is like taking a shortcut straight to God consciousness without bothering much with the ego. However, right now, I need more deliberate conscious seeking. I need more spiritual ego practice. It's been over an hour now and it's one of the most intense sessions I have done in the past couple of years. Deliberately applying awareness in the moment; realizing patterns, letting go of them, desire arising, letting go of desire, memories & emotions arising, letting go of them, nostalgic feelings arising, basking in the NOW, desire to journal about all that, going meta, letting go of journaling (story/storytelling), questioning that desire. Key principle here is to detach immediately and go meta. Similar to self-inquiry. I'd done a lot of this before, and it's what led me to the most enlightened states I've ever been in. But that would require me deep surrendering and I'm not sure whether I should or even could do it. We'll see.

[Gesundheit]

Progress check:

On 03/01/2021 at 2:05 AM, Gesundheit said:

Here's a list of all the unconscious patterns that I have recognized so far:

• Popping fingers & neck. Sometimes due to feeling a little bit of pain. Improved slightly.
• Clipping nails with other nails. Especially when I am stressed. Improved slightly.
• Multi-tasking. Like there's not enough time for everything. Improved moderately.
• Making drum sounds with the teeth when listening to music. A weird thing to do, but yeah. Improved significantly.
• Pushing teeth against each other, or tongue against teeth to feel them. No changes.
• Tension in the lower jaw. I've tried Wim Hof breathing and the lower jaw was the only thing that tingled. There's still tension, so I will continue with the Wim Hof Method. Improved significantly, no more tension.
• Tension while asleep. Probably similar to the above. Improved significantly, too. But the downside is that now I wake up with saliva over my face and pillow lol.
• Bad posture. Due to bad conditions, which probably causes/adds up to the tension mentioned above. I'm not sure what to do here. Improved slightly.
• Phone/internet addiction: specifically forum. I keep checking the forum unconsciously throughout the day. Also, Whatsapp, Facebook, and Telegram to a lesser degree. I should probably create rules for using the internet. But what about the phone? Got worse. Not sure why. I should look into it.
• Scarcity mindset. It has improved, but it's still there from the times it was necessary. No significant changes.
• Can't leave acne and other stuff alone. I don't know why, because even if they're not painful at all I still can't leave them alone. No significant changes.
• Picking my nose when I'm alone. Similar to the above. Some stuff in my nose make me feel uncomfortable and I have to remove them. Improved moderately. I find organizing time for cleaning to be a good solution.
• Talking stupid shit. Like throwing words here and there that don't have any context, mostly from the music I listen to. Also, humming certain parts of the most recent music I listen to. Why would I say anything when I am alone? Improved slightly.
• Losing presence during conversations. It's like I'm not really interested in what the other person is saying so I just turn off my thinking mind and therefore I lose presence. Improved moderately.
• Staring at girls. Especially ass and thighs. When I'm walking in the streets, I don't look at their faces. My eyes go straight to the ass and thighs. If they're shapely, I look at the face. Pervert lol. Got worse. Now I even look back and check out their asses, especially if I don't get the chance early on.
• Porn and certain sexual fetishes. Especially the ass and thighs. I just love 'em. Got worse. I've been so horny during this time.
• Checking exes profiles. Like once or twice daily, but not all exes. Just two. No changes.
• Playing video games. Just one game, but not necessarily daily. Posture probably causes/adds up to the tension problems mentioned above. No changes.
• Losing presence while eating. Not enjoying the food fully. Why even exist if you can't enjoy your food? Improved slightly.
• Picking irregular hairs off of my head. I guess it's similar to the acne thing. Improved significantly.
• Watching the views count on my journal, and on certain other things to compare things. As if the number adds any real significance to my life. Ego. Improved slightly.
• Fear of hurting others psychologically. Feelings of guilt, blame, and shame. Not so bad though. Improved significantly.
• Opening tabs and never ever returning to them again. I have hundreds of tabs that I was supposed to read sometime near when I first opened them. Now, they're unread, but I still don't close them. Improved significantly. Although I still haven't closed old tabs.
• Music. My drug (more info below). No changes.
• Lack of direction. Due to too much deconstruction of the self. Improved slightly.
• Moving quickly & without mindfulness throughout the day. Similar to the multi-tasking thing. I should slow down my pace. Improved moderately.
• Introvertedness. Turns out probably my introvertedness is egoic. I'm not sure yet, but probably. Plus, probably some self-image problems as well. Interesting things happening.
• Selflessness. Due to prior Islamic conditioning. No changes.
• Desire to not edit posts on the forum. Improved slightly.
• Reading posts twice after posting them, and correcting misspelled words. No changes.
• Contracting muscles around the eyes when the sun hits instead of closing my eyes on looking less directly into the light. Improved moderately.
• Kicking stuff while walking, like cigarette butts and other small things. Due to my teenage years football obsession. Improved slightly.
• Biting lips when they're dry. And wetting lips all the time. No changes.
• Climbing up the stairs quickly. Running and/or skipping steps. No changes.

I discovered other patterns too but forgot to write them down. That might be another pattern of mine lol.

[Gesundheit]

A really good question to keep in mind: Why would I do something compulsively when I could simply do nothing instead? Why would I waste my time and energy like that when I could save them for more important stuff instead?

Edited January 16, 2021 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

On 08/01/2021 at 2:48 AM, Gesundheit said:

New distinction: Seeking vs. Non-seeking practice.

There's value in both, but each is different unique ways. I have been practicing a non-seeking practice for probably a year by now. And truth be said, I have had many deep & profound insights, probably some of the most advanced insights ever. Advaita Vedanta is like taking a shortcut straight to God consciousness without bothering much with the ego. However, right now, I need more deliberate conscious seeking. I need more spiritual ego practice. It's been over an hour now and it's one of the most intense sessions I have done in the past couple of years. Deliberately applying awareness in the moment; realizing patterns, letting go of them, desire arising, letting go of desire, memories & emotions arising, letting go of them, nostalgic feelings arising, basking in the NOW, desire to journal about all that, going meta, letting go of journaling (story/storytelling), questioning that desire. Key principle here is to detach immediately and go meta. Similar to self-inquiry. I'd done a lot of this before, and it's what led me to the most enlightened states I've ever been in. But that would require me deep surrendering and I'm not sure whether I should or even could do it. We'll see.

Earlier tonight, I had my first awakening, ever, of The Self. That's new to me. Before this, I've only known about it and understood it in theory, since I've already awakened to no-self and have had many Samadhi experiences with it, and due to the fact that both types are identical in non-duality. I've awakened to multiple facets consecutively, but I'm not sure about labelling them correctly.

I'll try to list all the differences & similarities that I've noticed between the two types of awakening:

• Perhaps the most important and clear difference between the two is that with no-self awakenings, there's no self to experience anything. So, awakening occurs, but there's no self to register that it's an awakening. It happens without a perceiver so to speak. It feels empty. And you only realize it was an awakening in retrospect when you think about it later. The Self awakening, however, has an Omnipresence component in it. You're there, and you become completely present that your awareness extends beyond the human experience. You know that it's an awakening during too, and not only afterwards. Self awakening is an awakening to the everythingness of reality, while no-self is an awakening to the empty container of the illusion. I am everywhere vs. I am nowhere. I am everything vs. I am nothing. Of course, these dualities collapsed during the awakening.
• Both carry the sense of ultimate peace within them, aka Samadhi experience. Peaceful fearlessness. Everything is me. I don't even exist. What is there to fear?
• The path towards no-self awakenings is different from the path towards Self awakenings. Recently, I started embracing the ego instead of trying to diminish it. I think that's what yielded in my awakenings tonight. The recent events that have been happening to me and how I have been reacting to them, I've faced all of that directly tonight. And I was able to overcome and transcend it. While in no-self awakenings, there's no facing of events or fears or anything. Instead, they're more about direct letting go, kinda like bypassing, but not really bypassing cuz there's a progress being made.
• Both aren't just temporary states of consciousness. They're actual awakenings that can be locked down permanently, with spiritual work. The awakening experience fades away, but it leaves marks. I use the word awakening for the things that can be permanently obtained, realistically. There is definitely progress regarding these awakenings, as opposed to "infinite love awakenings" or what I call: Narcissistic Delusions (which I have personally experienced naturally, in different facets, at different times, and for prolonged periods of time). I used the quotation marks to highlight the fact that these "awakenings", as great and healing as they may feel, but they're just temporary states of consciousness that cannot ever be locked down permanently. They're simply elated emotional states. They don't have an absolute truth component to them because they're limited to the human condition. They have the component of Omniscience, which is utterly delusional. While none of that applies to Self and no-self awakenings. And still, Self and no-self awakenings have healing properties, because of the accompanying Samadhi experience.

Edited January 18, 2021 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

Oh my God! What a ground breaking realization! Time is awareness/growth.

This is a huge discovery for me, because it will change the whole approach that I was applying here. Instead of trying to force awareness onto the process, I should let it flow spontaneously with time. The end results are inevitable and guaranteed as long as I'm not resisting. There is no escaping the next level unless I resist by trying to get to the next level. The patterns will unravel automatically once they're no longer necessary, and there will be a point where they're no longer necessary, a point where they have completely achieved their purpose and therefore seen by awareness as pointless. The mistake would be to try to stop the patterns. That's ego, and it won't work. It'll just keep itself at the same level, and maybe shift forms, but not really expand.

Do not do awareness. Let awareness do you, and watch.

Time + flow = maximum growth

Time + resistance = minimum growth

Now I realize that this is what Nahm talks about. That guy is a God in and of himself.

[Gesundheit]

http://www.imperience.org/About/Imperience.htm

[Gesundheit]

This energy! Everything is easier now.

I wonder, though, why does God favor some people and not others? Seriously, why? Why do you have to torture yourself like that? Maybe so that you can appreciate yourself more? You big narcissist! Or maybe to show yourself how hard and easy life can be? You big auto-psychopath!

I wonder also if the Wim Hoff method has something to do with it. I'll practice it more and see the results and then update.

Anyway, I'll call this energy "Grace" from now on, for the ease of communication.

 

I've been trying to quit my addictions for a long time, but it's always been hard, like impossibly hard.

Well, not anymore! Some of them have become so easy now that it feels like cheating. Some are still mildly hard, like bad posture, but still there's improvement.

Remember when I said that I will leave my strongest addictions to more advanced levels? Turns out that I am capable of handling them right now, or that I may have already arrived at those advanced levels. My strongest addictions, in no particular order, are: 1) Internet, actualized.org forum in specific. 2) Porn & Masturbation. 3) Music.

 

In general, you'd think energy can only be directed towards action, but that's not the case at all with Grace as far as I can tell. If you control it and distribute it properly, it will work well for whatever purposes you want. For example, I moved some of it up to the crown chakra, i.e. to the brain, which enhanced my awareness levels. So now, paradoxically, meditation and surrendering have become easier too.

Quantitatively speaking, the levels are still low, and so I'm still at the initial stages. But man, it makes a world of difference! This little much is so powerful. I wonder what's possible with more Grace.

As well, it's not centralized anymore like it first started. I mean, it still seems to be radiating from its core at the heart area. But it's now more distributed throughout the body, specifically to the extremities of my limbs, i.e. hands and feet. I feel generally warmer, but not completely warm, still.

Now I realize that Grace didn't start as physical energy. It started as tension in the muscles of the chest and belly, which I was able to release through stretching the anterior of my body. Then, somehow, it transmuted into physical energy.

 

How did Grace affect my porn addiction?

Well, currently, my kinks are hot body pictures, striptease, and belly dancing. With the help of Grace, I'm experiencing an enhanced awareness of how I'm deceiving myself into being horny. So now sexual transcendence seems like a realistic possibility. When I see them asses shaking and legs moving, it's less enticing now, cuz I am aware of how the raw images have no value in and of themself. It's just my mind interpreting things in a way that creates the illusion of beautiful/sexy judgement. It happens at the speed of light, and Grace has helped me compete with that speed. There's a lot more to this but I'm not interested in articulating it.

 

How did Grace affect my self-esteem?

Hmmm, it seems self-esteem and sexual desire are inversely related. The lower your self-esteem, the higher sexual desire you'll have.

Within the past couple of weeks, things have been shifting for me in respect of self-image. Integrations at deep levels have been occurring. For example, what other people think about me is now seen for what it is. It's an evolutionary remnant from stage Purple, where you had to fit well and belong to your tribe. You had to be conforming to survive, so you had to invent concern and feeling bad if you were judged or critisized in order to force yourself into conformity. Genius! But not aware enough to realize that earlier. Idiot lol.

 

How did Grace affect my internet addiction?

I've noticed that it's getting easier for me to abstain from the forum. And when I become active and participate, I'm noticing that I'm much more detached than I have ever been. I can joke and take things lightly as if there's no self here at all. And while that has been the case sometimes before, it's never been this easy to act properly and say the right things. I'm now capable of dealing with critisism, ridiculing, trolling, abusive behaviour, offensive posts, different opinions, closed-mindedness, stubbornness, stupidity, etc... I'm now capable of handling these things much better. It may have to do with my suddenly increased compassion and the positive outlook I've started projecting onto other people and the world. Regardless, I don't want to be on the forum anymore, cuz I think I've outgrown it, and cuz real life is much more exciting. But the addiction is still real, so.

Fun fact: I've got two points spontaneously removed by a moderator.

 

I'm currently waiting for the exams to end so that I can explore the potential of Grace fully. For example, I will start cold approaching girls. And while I can't handle a serious relationship at the time, I will still put myself out there just to challenge my comfort zone. I don't think it'll be hard, but I also have to go through the fear of rejection regardless. I've got girlfriends in the past from social connections, but I have not been rejected before. Not that I knew what attracted them, it was all unconscious. Maybe I was lucky. Anyway, I want to experience attraction consciously.

I may add more to this sometime later.

Edited February 18, 2021 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit2]

Great progress overall so far.

A few more thoughts...

Everything that you do against your conscious will (such as addiction, compulsion, emotional reaction, etc...) stems directly from childhood issues, aka the shadow. When you have a disintegrated inner child, you will not be able to have the conscious control that you need to have over your life. Maturing from childhood (dependence) into adulthood (independence) is a messy process, especially psychologically, and it often involves a lot of turmoil. 

At the same time, you gotta ask: "Why should I strive to have any control whatsoever over my life in the first place?! Why can't I just be the toxic expression that I actually am without judgements or inhibition?" Can you see how trying to have control is also a form of abuse/trauma to your authentic, free self? Can you see that you don't actually want to have control, and that you just need to have it in order to fit into your society, which is a much larger and stronger shadow, so to speak? So, how can you heal the trauma with more trauma? You can't. Therefore, it only perpetuates.

What's missing from the picture above is narcissism. What you have learned so far about it is negative, so you should immediately drop that term and replace it with the more user-friendly term called self-love. A narcissist is basically a child who's learned how to act like an adult as a coping mechanism for the lack of love that they experience. They're still the same child on the inside, they haven't grown up. They just have the appearance of a grown-up, when in fact they're as fragile as a house of cards.

With enlightenment and consciousness work, you learn to embrace everything in life, the positives and the negatives. You stop demonizing yourself and others. You accept everyone and everything as they are. And so, as a result, you learn how to approach your inner child (weak, innocent, ignorant, needy, unloved, traumatized, abused, suppressed, judged, ignored, shut-down, etc...) with love/understanding instead of fear/judgment. And that's probably the one and only way to truly heal. For healing to occur, you need space and rest, and possibly support from others. But if you don't got much (or any) of that, don't grieve. You're still in luck, because you have yourself! God itself!

What I've come to realize is that in order for me to heal my inner child, I must do what seems like the opposite of self-love. It's very counterintuitive and paradoxical, but it'll make sense if you have vision. For me to end the cycle of abuse, I must end the abusive patterns that are part of my inner child (unconsciousness). In other words, the child has to die in order for the adult to be. And that's not a bad thing, actually. {In fact, there's no inner child to begin with, nor even an adult to be or become. It's just God with labels put on it. So how do you end unconsciousness when you're unconscious in the first place? With consciousness, obviously! And that's the first, and really only, step in this process. It's all you need to know. The rest of the process is just you doing the process by being the process, courageously, and unapologetically.}

Okay, so all that idealistic nonsense within the curly braces is only half of the equation. The other half is the one that nobody talks about, and I suspect that very few people know about. I know, but I can't say. Or maybe I can but don't want to. And even if I say it, chances are you won't get it. It's very simple that it's often overlooked for its simplicity, and it's not even hidden from you. You know it already on some level, because it is the truth. You're just actively, yet unconsciously, denying it by closing your eyes and holding up your hands against the sun.

My only hint to you would be: OPEN YOUR EYES! WAKE UP!

Edited July 18, 2021 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

I suppose I should make a detailed review of 2021 and talk about all the positive changes that I have experienced so far with this project. The review probably belongs here, since this is where I journal seriously. But that will probably require a little commitment and dedication for the next month, and I'm not good at committing to useless unfruitful endeavors, so I might cop-out.