Crying about something little- symptom of a larger problem?

[soos_mite_ah]

This isn't really a "serious emotional problem" but I didn't know where else to put it. 

This year things have been really rough on my family. We don't really celebrate Christmas like that but I wanted to get my parents something small just to show my appreciation. There is this thing that my dad said he liked and thought was interesting but he never got around buying for a number of years. It wasn't expensive and since I have a small budget I decided to get this for him. My parents gave me some money so that I can buy something nice for myself but since I didn't really want anything for Christmas I decided to spend that money on gifts for them. 

When I got him this thing he laughed and said "what a waste of money, what made you think I would want something like this?"  I told him my reasoning and he basically said it was stupid and to just give it to my  mom instead because it is a waste. I know things are really rough on him right now financially because he took a large cut in income and socially since we know a lot of people who lost their lives to COVID but I really wanted to do something small to cheer him up a little. I'm planning on asking him what he would want instead, return what I originally got him and get him something else. 

I walked away from him for a couple hours and just cried. It isn't that he didn't like it, we all get gifts we don't like sometimes, but because of his attitude. It still makes me really sad thinking about it tbh. This is super small but I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I would really like some insight so I can get over this. 

[soos_mite_ah]

This feels so childish and trivial to worry about I feel silly for being so sad about it. I'm aware that this is super petty. 

[Preety_India]

It's not really petty tbh. He should have been able to appreciate your gesture especially during the festive season. Does it really matter if the gift is small or big or useful or not useful? 

If I have to imagine being a mother maybe 10 years down the line, and if my daughter got me a gift on Christmas, I'd be more than glad even if the gift was a small pencil box or a card or any little thing. What would have mattered more to me was the fact that my daughter was so thoughtful and kind enough to give me gift on Christmas and think so much about me. I'd would have treasured or used the gift and probably told my friends about it and I'd have taken my daughter out for dinner as a "thank you" for the gift or cooked her favorite meal or given a dress or taken her on a short trip to the market or the city. I'd have hugged my daughter and taken a Christmas picture with her and framed it as a memory of the day she gifted me. 

In life, money and other materialistic things don't matter as much as beautiful moments and memories with those who we are close and intimate with because we got only a short span of time to spend with those who we consider our "beloved." 

I think a lot of Indian parents only focus on money and the material worth of things or if money is saved or not, because they're born into such scarcity mindset that they can never rise beyond and above that and understand the profound and sentimental nature of things and moments. 

It's not you who is being petty, rather your dad who is being petty and looking at things with a very narrow minded view. 

I value your emotions. These are learning lessons from your parents on what you should not do when you become a parent. You shouldn't ever make your son or daughter feel like it was no big deal or a waste of money because it hurts them. It's natural that such reactions cause hurt. 

Allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel because these are genuine emotions and these emotions shouldn't be dismissed. Eventually these are the same emotions that will cultivate your character and make you a much better parent in the future who is more sensitive to their children's feelings. 

Here's a hug from me to you. You did the right thing. Don't try to discipline your emotions too harshly by dismissing or suppressing them as petty. These emotions are your navigation through life. 

Belated Merry Christmas Sush, hope you have a great day and a great weekend. 

❤️

 

[snowyowl]

@Preety_India I totally agree, Christmas or other gifts, are just tokens for the love, friendship and quality time you spend together. That's what we  need to express when we thank each other for presents, rather than how useful or valuable they are. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by snowyowl

[mandyjw]

I don't think this is a childish thing to be upset about at all. You dad has his priorities all mixed up and isn't allowing himself any joy in his life right now, so his reaction was a reflection of his own misunderstanding. You tried to give him joy, but in his current state of not being able to receive any joy, he rejected it. Sometimes we add on the feeling that "he rejected me", so it helps to understand that that's not it. We can only be responsible for allowing our own joy in life, not other people's. We can try to give them joy, but they have to let it in. It's perfectly fine to be sad about this until you're ready to move directly in the direction of feeling the joy and love out of which was your original intention and motivation with the gift. 

[PepperBlossoms]

Well said by the others!

To top it off, you can work through it so that you are okay and won't get bothered by situations like this.  Converging the dualities between you and other as well as applied qualities into one really helped me.

Example:

I am good at buying presents.  I am bad at buying presents.  My parent is good at buying presents.  My parent is bad at buying presents.

I like presents.  I do not like presents.  My parent likes presents.  My parent does not like presents.

I am okay with other's responses.  I am not okay with other's responses.  My parent is okay with other's responses.  My parent is not okay with other's responses.

I voice my opinion.  I do not voice my opinion.  My parent voice's his/her opinion.  My parent does not voice his/her opinion.

I can predict others.  I cannot predict others.  My parent can predict others.  My parent cannot predict others.

I consider other's feelings.  I do not consider other's feelings.  My parent considers other's feelings.  My parent does not consider other's feelings.

I am honest.  I am not honest.  My parent is honest.  My parent is not honest.

I am nice.  I am mean.  My parent is nice.  My parent is mean.

I am grateful.  I am not grateful.  My parent is grateful.  My parent is not grateful.

 

To think about it and accept that you and others are both of something and not just one or the other can be super helpful.

We as a society tend to accept and promote the idea that we are good/nice/hardworking/sexy/pretty/smart/reliable/helpful but also tend to forget that we are also bad/mean/lazy/gross/ugly/dumb/unreliable/hurtful.  I found that when I can accept that I am both and that both situations are present together - it makes it a little easier and less of something to fight and more of something to accept and embody.  In a way, the worst thing someone can do is to tell them that they are one quality without telling them that they are also the other quality (but kinda against social norms - "Hey you are lazy but you are also hardworking!"  "Thanks man- I appreciate it and do not appreciate it!")

Your dad could have said - I like this present and I do not like this present.  And you could have said - I want you to like this present and I do not care if you like this present...

Various ways to think about it!  Can get creative and see how to work past it!

Edited January 3, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[Mu_]

@soos_mite_ah You have a good heart, you did the right thing, you accepted and understand the stress your dad may be going through and sounds like you forgive him and still want to give him something you like.  And it made you said the way he responded.  Sounds like your a human with a heart and are in pain temporarily.  Nothing to worry about, forgive and move on, it will be water under the bridge soon and you may never recall it again.