Family: Coping Mechanisms

[Raquel]

Hello everyone,

Well, family... as Eckart Tolle said "If you want to know how enlightened you are, go spend a week with your family". This couldn't be more painfully true (at least in my case).

So long story short: I'm 29 years old, I grew up in a small town in Portugal with a very closed mind community, but my parents were quite open so I had a pretty normal childhood.  Went to university far from home, work since I'm 18, lived by myself since I'm 20 years old in different places in Portugal. In my mid 20's decided to live abroad.. did lots of different stuff, lived in 4 countries.. basically every time I feel too comfortable my mind says "It's time to go" and I destroy the nest and through myself in whatever opportunity might come with no financial support from family or with fancy jobs. This to say.. I have no problem with detaching from fears. I feel always pretty excited about life, even when challenges come.. except when I come to visit my hometown and my parents!!

This last week for example I came to Portugal and decided to spend some time with my mum on her holidays, since my dad works away and my siblings as well.

Even though I try to be very present and aware with her this always end up bad bad bad... Some of her reasons are because she is unhappy, very needy, trapped in her own mind and ego and unable to see any possible resolution for her life situation.. believe me I try.

Now my problem: Every time I come here I literally feel waves of low frequency paralyzing my hole body I dont want to call my old friends that grew up with me (or maybe I do but cant be bothered to talk with them) I dont want to leave the house and feel uncomfortable just by walking around, I feel that my parents mindset and problems suffocates me, a part of me becomes fearful and unable to feel happy. 

I'm very aware of all my inner child challenges. I been there and worked it. I also know this my projection of reality but still hurts.. this self comes and brings everything I thought I was not anymore.

I keep thinking about this over and over trying to break through but I cant see any progress. 

Would like to know if you guys also struggle with family situations more than anything and what are the "strategies" that you use to overcome this feelings. 

Thanks xx

  

Edited September 27, 2016 by Raquel

[kurt]

@Raquel

Mutual compassion, understanding, acceptance (it's a learning experience) and deliberate thought management.  What is happening "out there" can only really be managed if you don't unconsciously identify with the problems and thinking patterns.

Also take responsibility, you might be unwittingly blaming others for your own internal states (your whole experience is just your own thoughts being presented to you from your "causal body" which is kind of like a set of neural pathways in your mind.  These things can lay dormant in "seed" form and only manifest under certain triggers).  It's actually a good opportunity to face and process the pain, but you can only do that once you own it, if you think in any way it's them then you are projecting and unable to get to the issue.  You can't solve something that you don't know is yours!  When you know it's all you, then you have the power to transform your mind.

I know it won't seem like it but the situation is a gift, and an opportunity to get this handled internally.

Hope this helps, and hope I've not been too techincal lol

Good luck!

P.S Become aware of the behavioural side too, the desire to curl up into a ball and disappear is one I often want to do when confronted with pain.  Just make sure you don't reinforce the patterns by doing what your thinking suggests, keep an open mind and keep active to keep your positive energy up. Don't drink, eat well, things like that.  Stay vigilant!

Wishing you the best!

Edited September 26, 2016 by kurt

[Raquel]

Thank you @kurt I do agree with you in everything and I can identify those aspects in me. The thing that is more dificultt to control is the need to control... I mean I keep trying to correct myself internally and in my behaviour and trying to make a  counscious interaction hoping that will change this vibration between me and my mum and also hoping that this will help her feel happy...which doesn't  happen! I end up feeling anxious, hearth gets tight from feeling so much her internal pain that I just want to curl up as you said.

It's being tough weeks, feels like I was closed in a dark room, but absolutely agree that is a gift at the same time...slowly bringing some candles to the dark room. 

 

 

[kurt]

@Raquel

Hi Raquel,

I sent you a message, but perhaps it might be more benefit for everyone to keep the discussion on the thread.

You can't control anything except what is going on inside of yourself. It's true that other peoples energies can have dramatic effects on our subtle body, they can "get inside us" with negativity. So even that we do not have any say over.

Most would suggest keeping a healthy distance from people who bring you down in these ways. Leo talks about cutting out people from your life, and I agree with that on the most part, but that's a bit drastic for our parents, but I mention it as a reminder that it's healthy to manage the amount of contact We have with others who have negative effects on us. We become our environment, if we hang out with depressed people we become depressed ourselves, if we hang out with positive people it lifts us up, there is no denying that!

So if it's too difficult to bear then be kind to yourself and structure your visits so that you are spending minimal time with your parents. 

I would also not obey the urge to neglect your friends or do the things you would normally do. You mention that you feel like moping around a lot? Well that depressive energy is rubbing off on you, this is where you need to move locus of control away from trying to repair the situation with your parents and just get out of the environment and go do things to counterbalance the effect that the vibe is having on your mind and body.  It's a little like saying that you won't be taken over completely (yes it's hard not to soak up the vibe, but when this energy starts to dictate your behaviour then it's seeped into the physical realm and is carving out a deeper groove in the causal body as a habit). Don't let this happen, you can feel bad but don't let it take you over physically, otherwise the negativity will take root.  

So this is taking responsibility for yourself, and learning to relinquish control.  You might need to reflect on what it is that makes you want to change your parents. The depression you pick up from them is one good reason to try to change them, and this is normal!  But we've already discussed how to handle this. What else is it inside you that feels the need to try to repair the situation?

If you can reflect on that you will find the cause of what is attributing to the control pattern. This part of you you must face and kind of educate in a way and give this part of you the tools to learn how to surrender to what life brings, the good the bad and the ugly! Which is really conventient because this situation is conducive to spiritual growth as from the perspevtive of awareness all thoughts are neutral and equal. 

*

PS another thing you may be doing and that you're not aware of completely is you could be personalising this stuff. Making their problems about them as people, instead of relieving them and yourself of personal responsibility, seeing the situation in perhaps a more realistic light. See us all as being under the spell of human feelings and universal problems. None of this is personal, and they are here like everyone to work out their issues, not to give us what we want.  Seeing them and yourself in this way is the essence of compassion.

One excersise I use to manage deeply worn in grooves of habitual and unhelpful thought is to identify the emotional disturbance, try to discover what the thought is saying (sometimes this can take weeks).  When I have unveiled the thought I hold it up in the light of my highest values and ask myself if this is really a thought that is conducive to my highest values?  Then I craft an authentic replacement thought, one I personally believe in and feel fits with my purpose, and then spend 10-30 seconds deliberately burning in that thought. It takes a while, especially with deep issues, but it does work eventually. In time the mind will habitualize the new belief and just run that programme automatically. 

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm teaching you to suck eggs lol, I'm sure you already know this stuff! Perhaps a gentle reminder is sometimes needed from the outside.

Best of luck 

 

 

Edited September 27, 2016 by kurt

[Raquel]

@kurt That was way better than going to a therapist. ☺

Writting about it and reading your words was already a great way to feel lighter and  more centered. Will keep you advices. 

Thank you 

[kurt]

1 hour ago, Raquel said:

 

Writting about it and reading your words was already a great way to feel lighter and  more centered.

Excellent!

It works because in the process of talking about your problems, we're making them "not-self" by objectifying them.

I hope things work out for you!

[gian]

@Raquel I can COMPLETELY relate to how you are feeling, Raquel....I was getting chills reading through your post because I feel that we are experiencing (or allowing) the same types of emotions. 

I have several past posts in this forum detailing my own situation and my means of reaching out on how to deal with my own struggles.

I too feel that i am very self aware, and have been able to identify and work through a myriad of issues I had from my childhood that were still negatively effecting my life. I got some wonderful insight and compassion from users here as well, when I was posting about this several months ago. 

I am motivated and positive in my life away from home (for the most pt), but when I talk to or see my parents I become so empathetic, sad for their situation, and a deep need to "fix" everything for them, but knowing that it is not possible to change their mindset / negative ways of thinking. I just try (keyword TRY) to be the best version of myself and be as compassionate as I can be for them.

I dont have an "answer" as I am still working through this as well, and I know that you know there is no "quick fix" or anything regarding yours or my situation......but doing my own inner work (meditation, discovering/working on my life purpose (and most importantly TAKING ACTION...which has been a struggle of mine), affirmations, self development videos, etc) has helped me a great deal because my focus, worries, and perceptions shift to that instead of the other negative issues. 

from what i gather, it is so important so slowly shift your thoughts away from those ways of thinking through the means i mentioned above, and i feel that i have been able to deal with my familial situation from a new perception, a more positive one....but everyone's situation is different. 

i really hope this helps, or at  least to know that I know exactly how you are feeling in my own way

i truly wish you the best!

-Gian-

[Raquel]

@gian Thank you, appreciate it ..

Family is this structure that seems to makes us all constantly engage in repetitive patterns (dysfunctional or not) over and over again, that we want to fix, but this intention ends up generating a lot of tension internally..trying to work through all the little things.. its exhausting and most of the times feels like a total failure. 

There is improvements though and I see that this is bubbling up due to my personal growth..This is part of IT...My mind saying  "You need to face this! Stay here and deal with it". The taking action as you said. Otherwise I  would be somewhere else doing something that makes me feel good, not even considering that this is a "problem to solve".

Anyways, as Kurt said and well  we are all "under the spell of human feelings and universal problems. None of this is personal, and they (family) are here like everyone to work out their issues"...

Cheers !