MY 1ST JOURNAL

[Striving for more]

fuck this, not planning this one. Writing in flow with my thoughts, too much energy must be expressed through this vessel of such an idiosyncratic bizarre creature of a forum.

SO MUCH RAGE. SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY. How can I have fatigue issues but then I got too much energy, it's like I'm BI-Enerpolar 

SO MUCH IMPATINCE, I WANT IT NOW I FUCKING WANT IT NOW. GIVE ME THE MONEY, THE CLOTHES, THE DRUGS, THE GIRLS, THE LIFESTYLE, SET ME FREE. SHOW THOSE HATERS, LAUGH IN THEIR FACE. 

 Ahh fuck man I need to meditate, but IT DOESN;T FUCKING WORK HUH. 

I GIVE TO CHARITY BUT IT MUST COME BACK TO ME, IT FUCKING MUST. INVESTMENTS MUST PAY OFF, FUCK THESE JOBS, FUCK THESE DIRTY STREETS & BORING L;IFE 

I DO GIVE TO HOMELESS - I PRAY UNIVERSE GIVES TO ME TOO 

AHH MY SUFFERING IS FUCKING HYPERBOLIC, I WANT GRATITUDE BUT I'M JUST AN ANGRY MOTHERFUCKER, MAYBE I AM GREEDY

AHHH I NEED PATIENCE. 

AH wait ahh like half the world earns $2 an hour. But I CAN'T FUCKING CHANGE THAT I STILL NEED RICHES, I AM NOT ENTITLED TO IT, BUT I JUST WANT IT. 

IM NOT LREADY FOR STAGE GREEN ALTHOUGH I DO GIVE I GAVE AWAY A LOT TODAY IN FACT, BUT I MUST GET RICH BEFORE I THINK ABOUT THIS STAGE GREEN NOO WAIT I CAN HAVE BOTH. GREEN/ORANGE THAT'S NICE, COS MY LIFE FEELS FUCKING BLUE WITH ALL THESE FUCKING NORMAL SHEEPISH FUCKS AROUND ME. 

GIVE ME PURE MDMA, PURE HERBAL WEED, GIVE ME A SKYLINE, FUCK THIS HOLLOW LIFE. NEED TO ESCAPE. I'M NOT ENTITLED I DON'T MEAN THIS, I AM SOO LUCKY TO HAVE THE OPPURTUNITIES, BUT EVEN THEN ONLY 2 FUCKING % OF PEOPLE MAKE USE OF THE OPPPURTUNITY, EVERYONE ELSE IS STUCK DRIVING A FUCKING TRUCK, NO JUDGMENET BUT THEY DON'T WANT THAT THEY STUCK FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT! I MUST NOT BE LIKE THEM 

FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK

GIVE ME MONEY UNIVERSE I SUMMON MONEY I WILL WORK FOR IT BUT I'M NOT WAITILNG LONG

Edited December 26, 2020 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I KEPT FEELING CRINGE ALL WEEK, COULDN'T BE AT PEACE, TOO MUCH CRINGE.

I HAD A MOMENT OF REALIZATION IN THE MIRROR - I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE, STOP GIVING A FUCK HOW U LOOK, 

NOT ONLY DO I WANT RICHES, I WANT INFINTE "FREENESS" > I MUST NOT GIVVE 1 FUCK HOW I LOOK TO OTHERS - THIS IS THE TRUE REASON TO LEARN PICK UP, PEOPLE JUDGE IT, BUT IT'S SPIRITUAL PROCESS, IT'S LEARNING NOT TO CARE, SAME WITH SELF EXPRESSION NO HOLDING BACK FUCK CRINGE SELF LOVE GIVE ME MORE SELF LOVE

[Striving for more]

Ah Red wine, sweet red wine. Sweet hot mulled wine, if only this sensation could persist, eased the tension from the chest to my wrist. 

Ah sweet guitar, sweet music, u calm me down, u keep me sane, right brain juice. 

WHO AM I AM I A 2 FACED FUCK AM I JUST A FUCKING LIE. No, focus on the money & shut the fuck up mind. No forget the money, enjoy the music, the wine, namaste 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Now I look back on my semi - psychotic episode in a calmer state. I do not feel good right now, my forehead is tight, I feel shame, anxiety & this came out of nowhere? 

It's confusing. I did a very generous deed today, but I also spread negative energy, this affected me badly & I really regret the spread of negative energy, I hate that stuff. 

I feel the urge to be in a peaceful Island away from my neurotic thoughts, away from the world, but I leave that quest to the future, & will ground myself to present reality, as bad as it feels, my mind is just trying to self sabotage again.

I pray for better state of mind, as no amount of money, no drug (*shrooms perhaps lol) will replace that, I have to be at peace internally, & keep dreaming but not to dream in pain, as that sends a signal to my subconscious that I won't actually have my desires, I must act like everything I truly want is possible & inevitable, in spite of my deeply low self esteem, which I hide in a cloud of alpha hyper masculine nonsense.

 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Striving for more

[Michael569]

Try this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Letting-Surrender-M-D-David-Hawkins/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=letting+go&qid=1609021344&sr=8-1 

and this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Untethered-Soul-Journey-Beyond-Yourself/dp/1572245379/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2IXVAS6YSSLFW&dchild=1&keywords=untethered+soul&qid=1609021383&quartzVehicle=184-743&replacementKeywords=untethered&sprefix=untethered%2Caps%2C182&sr=8-1

may help shift the perspective a bit

[Striving for more]

@Michael569 Thank you Michael, the need to let go is invaluable skill essential everyday. 

Right now (Late evening) I need to let go off : 

1. The money I lost to a risky investment 

2. The fact that I just ate too much sugar & now I'm anxious about having mediocre sleep quality & how that will affect me tomorrow 

3. Let go off the physical tension in my body

4. Shame caused by social errors/spreading negativity

Easier said than done, but I will look into these resources and hopefully that will help 

 

Example 2 > How my college needs to let go 

1. New college today expressed a sense of regret and anxious urgency about being nearly 30 and not having a mortgage, kids, husband

2. (Whilst we were in car) > College repetively 

[Striving for more]

@Michael569 Thank you Michael, the need to let go is invaluable skill for each living day  

Right now (Late evening) I need to let go off : 

1. The money I lost to a risky investment 

2. The fact that I just ate too much sugar & now I'm anxious about having mediocre sleep quality & how that will affect me tomorrow 

3. Let go off the physical tension in my body

4. Shame caused by social errors/spreading negativity

Easier said than done, but I will look into these resources and hopefully that will help 

 

Example 2 > How my college needs to let go 

1. New colleague today expressed a sense of regret and anxious urgency about being nearly 30 and not having a mortgage, kids, husband

2. (Whilst we were in car) > colleague Repetitively kept stressing these points again and again, sometimes as if literally just repeating her thoughts out loud in the car,  "If I can just get a big house and stability", "If I can have kids by 30, I only have so much time" "just need to enhance my just job to be eligible for mortgage"

3. She kept basically saying these things or coming back to these topics, all with a very anxious tone, I sensed a strong lack of ease within her.
 

**Nothing wrong with her desires, but feeling anxious about it, her tense face, the reverberating thought loops, was clearly causing her pain, & would need to be dropped for her to be in peace, It's hard though, being a woman & having all that pressure which is largely socially constructed/societal, but is somewhat biological, as she "really wants kids young", god daym I never have to deal with that source of pain haha

4. Man does she need actualized.org loool I didn't mention it though

5. P.s > It's a lot easier to notice within someone else, or within yourself, but only AFTER THE DAMAGE IS DONE (Hours, days later..) - This is a good first step, but I need to strive towards being able to CATCH IT IN THE MOMENT - This is the golden key

Edited December 28, 2020 by Striving for more