I hate my mother and everything she is doing to me

[Daffcio]

I'm 19. My mother makes my angry, anxious and shameful. Everything she does makes things worse. She embarrasses me in front of my friends and then acts like nothing happend. She takes stuff out of my room and she took key to my room. She want to have full control over me. Emotional blackmail is normal for her. Every thing I do is criticized. School i picked, way of life I want to have everything is bad and not how she thinks it should be.She turns EVERYTHING against me. It's imposible to talk with her. I tried too many times to explain her why I don't want her to behave that way but she still does it. Every quarrel is the same. She says the same thing over and over again. That something is wrong with me, I should change myself, my friends. I hold anger iritation and frustiation for 2 week or month and then I snaps and of course she says that something is wrong with me despite the fact that i already told her why I'm angry. I'm not seeing any way out of that situation. I could say anything and she still will do what she does for years. When I go out she asks where, with who, why, when will I come back. She says that she won't sleep because I'm outside home and she need to get up early so I must come back before time she picked. I fucking hate her. She's like a fucking cancer in my life. I've never hated someone like that. And the worst part is that I already don't know if I'm fucked up and she is right. Help me. I haven't been happy in this house for years. For some of people this seems trivial but I really can't find a way out of this.

[FredFred]

@Daffcio Does your finances allow you to go live on your own?

4 hours ago, neutralempty said:

Also, get rid of that horrible profile picture.

Says the weaboo

[Daffcio]

21 hours ago, FredFred said:

@Daffcio Does your finances allow you to go live on your own?

 

Not yet.

[Nahm]

@Daffcio

What does she say and or do that embarrasses you in front of your friends? 

What did she take out of your room?

Elaborate on ‘she wants to have full control over you’. What does she say & do? 

Describe in detail the emotional blackmail. What does she say & do?

What is ‘the way of life you want’, and what does she say about it?

“She says the same thing over and over” - what is it that she says?  What specifically is she saying is ‘wrong with you’?

 

[PepperBlossoms]

Well said suggestions to those above!!

@Daffcio I'm sorry you are experiencing this.  This sounds just awful.

I'd buy a new door handle with a new lock with a new key and lock my room every time I leave/enter it.  You can buy them for pretty cheap at home stores like Lowes, Home Depot.. not sure what is in your area.  They are pretty easy to replace in less than 5 minutes.  (May want to install when your mom is not in the house). Problem solved.

If she is criticizing me, (because it sounds like she has done it excessively and to not much good), I'd just end the conversation and walk away.  Problem solved.

I would not let her enter my room so that she does not take anything else.  Problem solved.

I'd hang out with my friends away from her so that she cannot humiliate me.  Problem solved.

I would tell her that I do not need a babysitter and can arrive back when I am ready to come back in the evenings and if she has a problem with that, she can just lose valuable sleep time as her own problem and that I do not need her to stay up.  Problem solved.

One thing to consider is if her criticism has any validity to it or if she is projecting herself onto you and tricking herself.  Do you know why she took the stuff out of your room?  Does she give logical reasoning for the stuff she tells you or is it not well thought out?  

I guess at this point, the relationship seems pretty bad.  I may consider just trying to be really nice to her and say thank you and give her appreciation when you can and try to do nice things for her (even if she does not do the same).  I know you are really struggling with it but she may be really struggling too.  It may help you get rid of your anger by doing nice things..

I guess even if you had a chat with her about how the relationship is messed up.. it would maybe want to be said right and carefully (I messed mine up with my dad by telling him that he was a bully and he told me that he will forever see me as the child that does not like him and take his anger to his grave and will never get over it.. I tried apologizing and that I was trying to figure things out and it didn't change anything) but anyway.. um I think she may just have to live with struggling until she is ready to accept that she needs to work on herself.  Congrats on trying to work on yourself and finding actualized.org!

It sounds like she has this negativity/confusion/anger and she is pushing it onto you instead of looking within and fixing it herself.  She sounds like a bully with a very weak, fragile ego.  Instead of lifting you up and trying to help you, it sounds like she is pushing you down.  

Edited December 27, 2020 by PepperBlossoms

[Eph75]

Sorry, it turned out a long one (again).

@Daffcio So, here's a thought. But before that thought, let's recognize that it's impossible to say anything about your circumstance in particular as the devil is in the details, and the things mentioned in the OP can be interpreted in so many ways that any answer here will be guesses and the more confident advice is quite likely being someone else projecting their reality onto yours.

Let's find a common denominator that we can agree on, and that's that you don't like being imposed on and controlled by your mother, so that's what needs to change, right, in some way.

The rest is your perspective, our perspectives, and of course your mothers perspective.

In the B = f(P, E) equation, B being behavior and behavior being a function of person and environment you might be able to make some sense out of this and perhaps some ideas on actions that can affect B positively.

The (her) behavior (B) is readily available for your to observe, you see how she acts, you make your interpretation, and your response is that you don't like it.

For a second here, before we continue, recognize that at the time she is operating through this equation on her end, you are simultaneously operating through it on your end.

She (P) contains the essence of her persona, the social "programming" that started out in her early childhood and spans up until this very moment; which including all her biases, expectations, shame, guilt, judgement, labeling of what is right/wrong, good/bad, the values that drive her, and the list goes on and on.

In short, what maker her her.

Let's get back to how you can help change her later in this post.

The circumstance she find herself in (E) which is an environment (or situation) here she is a parent and you are her child activated specific parts and flavors of her "programming" and hence f(P, E) results in what it does. 

Stay a moment here, and reflect over this equation. It makes it readily apparent that we are not as free as we think we are, we are largely controlled by whatever content/baggage we have in our "backpack". Switch out the P in this equation and you will get vastly different outcomes. This is just how things are, we have to accept them so that we can transcend the outcome, the behavior (B).

There's a very simple profoundness in this, the challenge really lies in shifting focus from the B to the P so that we can better explore and understand the perspective that the P holds. When gaining understanding, we can better choose our own reaction to the B's.

Let's go back to the B = f(P, E) and look at it from your POV.

Just like she has her B which is the function of her and the environment/situation that is taking place, you have your own B that is the functional response from being you (P) and that same situation.

For a moment, let's make another recognition; you are your own person AND you don't have the exact same "programming" as she does. From many aspects her values and behavior will, subconsciously (to both her and your), have been transferred to you since the moment you were born, especially throughout the formative years spanning from childhood to upper teenage years. Other things in your persona come from other influences, such as school, friends, social media, even Actualized.org. Other things may also have come about as a rebellion against traits her persona.

Let's awe at the complexity that lies within the interaction between two human beings. The odds that there will be abrasions when two individuals interact is fairly high, especially when there's some sort of conflict brooding within either individual. The people we choose as friends are much at the mercy of the P's and how well aligned they turn out to be - we simply don't give people that we don't align [enough] with a chance.

Parents we can't choose.

Notice that the E isn't the same for you and her.

For her it's a parent-child situation and it activates a multitude of programmed "scripts" within her. These scripts are running in her and they are expecting certain outcomes in order not to be considered an "error" or simply "does not compute".

For you it's probable that you are considering yourself an adult and respect your freedom. Living at home with mom certainly will present some challenges when adult freedom input into parent-child scripts simply won't produce very constructive outcomes AND vice-versa, parent-child input into your adult freedom script does the same.

Here's a another recognition; you cannot expect her to understand your perspective, just like she cannot expect you to understand her perspective.

So what is change? Can you force her to change? If not, is moving out and cutting her off a solution?

The reality we experience is created within ourselves, in our minds, based on our programming. The recognizing of us owning our P as well as the our B,  we enable ourselves the ability to change ourselves in such ways that we better operate under conditions that we cannot change, or control, which are the E of our equation.

So, can we change other people? Yes, in a sense we can.

By changing ourselves in such ways that we produce other behavior in ourselves, we effectively change the E of the other persons equation, and the B of that other persons equation will be different. Now, we can't choose what kind of other person behavior that will result in, but we can allow ourselves to which to a sense-and-respond kind of behavioral pattern and experiment with our own behavior, note the outcomes that change produces in the other person's B.

~

In terms of perspectives, as mentioned, it is impossible to make sense of the situation itself, the devil is in the details and a devil can be awakened in any person under challenging circumstances (E). And it's clear that this is a triggering situation for the both of you. Question is what is triggering you, and how can you find out what is triggering her?

Just to throw a parental perspective out there:

What you describe can very well be the fear of a parent, worrying that they are not doing enough to keep you safe and "on track" with life, coming form a place of loving caring, wanting for you to be the best you can be, from her subjective POV. Fear makes us to strange things. The fear of failing as a parent is a very real thing and it can come in many different flavors.

Living under the constant threat of having to experience shame and guilt in regards to ones parenting, or living with shame or guilt from recognizing something has already gone "wrong" in terms of the parents ideas of what being successful looks like, not the least your quarrels and lack of effect on the situation (her E) or you (your B and ultimately your P) makes people do things that are not very constructive in term of working towards the parents wanted outcome - it's just the f(P, E) at play.

~

A benefit of adding objective understanding to behavioral patterns and understanding of other peoples perspectives, is that it makes it easier to work with our triggers so that we can emotionally detach from the situations (E) as they arise, so that we can in a more sober way make sense of that's going on, and better choose our responses.

~

The key in personal development and self-actualization is to work with ourselves and develop ourselves. This development happens in our own equation and not in the equation of others. Yet, we tend to externalize our thoughts and find the problems out there, within others, in other things or in other circumstances.

Externalizing problems cannot make change, but it certainly can escalate that problem or create more problems around it. And it certainly creates a pattern of blame and justification through which we consistently remove ourselves from any and all equations, creating a victim-hood phenomenon which quickly becomes an addiction in itself.

By externalizing all problems, the ego protects itself from change and at the same time strengthen itself by adding a sense of self-importance at the same time as it is diminishing others when identifying them as being problematic.

This is a pattern that we need to break, and turn to ourselves to look for changes within ourselves that moves us towards better outcomes.

~

Is the solution to tell you mother to stop controlling you?

By gaining understanding of her perspective you can identify and choose responses that are constructive rather than destructive and brings you closer instead of adding distance.

How?

If you take a step back from the content of the situation and look at the structure of the going-on's as well as you as an individual and try to put yourself into her shoes, seeing potential perspectives of hers, what kind of answers do you come up with, that is pointing towards change within you, that can change the situation that causes her behavior (B) are she does?

Sometimes, a sober, calm conversation around feelings is what the doctor orders. Without expectations from the other. Just opening the heart and vulnerably sharing ones thoughts. Finding out what those thoughts of ours are, so that we can communicate and communicate them well is a great challenge. And within that challenge lies true developmental grows.

Impact feedback focusing on how you feel and what the effects on you is good here, as it makes it about you and not about her and she will have less reason to try and defend herself.

~

A fotnot; there are shit parents (and people) out there that are too toxic to be possible to affect, and there's always a point at which we need to realize that cutting people out of our lives is the best thing to do, and if that is what is needed to be done, so be it. From the limited sense I make from your OP, I don't think this is the case for you. Regardless, when cutting people out of our lives, we need to be aware that the problem may still be within ourselves and doing that can be the easy way out for the ego to avoid us growing towards accepting responsibility for ones own reality.

~

Again, sorry, monster post.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

She could be an NPD/BPD. I don't know for sure.

But she is definitely not a good mother if she doesn't have the instinct to understand that this is hurting you. 

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Be careful with hard labels and potential projections.

The OP describes something similar to that which many teenagers/young adults expresses. Implying NPD/BPD is a ginormous leap. Adding hard labels is not very helpful from a change-work perspective.

[Preety_India]

@Eph75 that's why I said I don't know for sure. 

 

Edited December 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[Origins]

@Daffcio why haven’t you moved out yet? Throw that attachment underneath the bus until she becomes a good crossing lady to direct traffic.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Origins

[snowyowl]

On 25/12/2020 at 0:00 PM, Daffcio said:

 My mother makes my angry, anxious and shameful.

This belief is worth contemplating. You seem to believe she has this power over you, when she pushes your buttons, to control your emotions. Can you see there's some work to do here, a transformation from allowing other people to pull your strings like this, to reaching freedom, letting go of their negative energies, retaining that strong peaceful centre? 

Edited December 28, 2020 by snowyowl

[NatureB]

Get a therapist and move out. Buy Leo's book list and read every book from the Emotional Mastery section.

[blankisomeone]

On 25/12/2020 at 9:26 AM, neutralempty said:

Your Problem isn't your mother

correction: the problem IS your mother

She’s acting like this towards you because of a bunch of problems in her she hasn’t resolved, so don’t make it about yourself

Edited January 8, 2021 by blankisomeone

[Yamak9889]

On 12/25/2020 at 3:26 PM, neutralempty said:

Your Problem isn't your mother, your Problem is your shame. 

 

Boom.

I agree tho

[Loving Radiance]

12 minutes ago, blankisomeone said:

correction: the problem IS your mother

She’s acting like this towards you because of a bunch of problems in her she hasn’t resolved, so don’t make it about yourself

Nah, you can blame both. In this instance it is good to focus on oneself rather than others. You can't change others cause as you describe they already have a bunch of problems themselves. You'd burn yourself out.

You define your own reactions to others, you define how you want to respond. That is the only thing @Daffcio can change.

[Kattedjiron]

Hmm ... I think you just need to become more independent and prove it to your parents. Find a job, try to do something new in your life, and of course, live separately from your parents. I did this as soon as I became an adult. It seems to me that it was then that I felt truly free. You need to be extremely careful at the very beginning because due to my carelessness, I became a victim of internet sextortion. As soon as I began to live alone, I had no friends and I spent all my free time on the Internet and somehow my data was hacked and stolen. Now, this situation is out of control, I hope that the lawyers will fix everything.

[ted73104]

Although there are many possible long term solutions above, I don't think any of them can be implemented in a short amount of time, not even within 5 years. 

Man, you're really in a tough situation. You're mom's insecurities are haunting you every day. I think a simple start would be to have someone you could talk to about this. Maybe a close friend or a senior you could trust. A therapist would be great, though it would cost you a bit.

I'm just curious, what kind of a person is your mom like? What are her main beliefs and world views? I'm just curious, you don't have to respond to this question if you don't feel like it.