Infinitely close to it but not there

[LostSoul]

3 years ago I had a huge awakening. I saw everything super clear. There was no suffering at all. I didn't know anything about this stuff, but before that happened I was in deep suffering and I didn't even know. I awakened because of suffering. Then "I lost" all of that which "I had gained".

Now, after 3 years of suffering (hundreds of different phases I went trought), I have more understanding than I have at that time, I was so fucking clueless. I feel like I am at the edge of awakening, I notice on my chest, all over my body feels it when I am very near. But there is something that is blocking me from that: MYSELF. Wtffff myself doesn't want to awaken. It is that which has been causing me suffering this 3 years. I feel I can't do nothing because I am always preventing myself from awakening. Some thoughts on this?

[Tim R]

Lol, of course you can't do anything about it. But you're also not blocking yourself from awakening.

[Nahm]

It’s thought attachment, not a another you, having an effect on ‘the first’ you. 

[Hulia]

3 years? You are lucky. 15 years! And now I´m at the point where I don´t even remember my dreams. Mayby I don´t even dream! Oh god, oh god...

Leo explains it with survival. Your self ("ego" is often misunderstood) is programmed to survive, no matter what. Awakening will kill it.

It´s like springing into abyss without bottom. I know how it feels. I cannot even imagine, that I´ll ever will have so much bravery. 

[Moksha]

Maybe instead of seeking for permanent awakening, you can let yourself be, for just this moment? Are you able to realize yourself as the observer of your thoughts, and allow more space around them? In this moment, there needn't be any suffering.

[Breakingthewall]

@LostSoul maybe you have a wall in front of your face that limits you? I recommend you dynamite. Destruction guaranteed. 5 meo . 

[kbone]

@LostSoul

It's normal.

You had a woweezowee realization of having found something that you never lost. Perhaps there was some sense of accomplishment or spiritual ego that took over. Then, as you thought about it more, you started to think about what happened. You look back and try to emulate the "state of mind" experience, try to think about "how/why" it happened, try to get that clarity you felt, try to empty, etc etc. Now, you're having thoughts about having lost something that you "maybe" didn't find, but had previously realized you never lost. And believing them. Terribly confusing... when you think about it.

Sound about right?

Have you ever thought about where this whole story takes place when THAT (which YOU actually are) is / has been/ always will be HERE, prior to that whole shebang...?

 

P.S.: Yes, it can be very annoying.... until Oneness gets it. Until then, the mind doth protest.

P.P.S.: It's OK to lose your soul. It's an aspect of the process of getting it.

Edited December 24, 2020 by kbone

[LostSoul]

2 hours ago, Moksha said:

Maybe instead of seeking for permanent awakening, you can let yourself be, for just this moment? Are you able to realize yourself as the observer of your thoughts, and allow more space around them? In this moment, there needn't be any suffering.

I can definetely do that @Moksha

[LostSoul]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

@LostSoul maybe you have a wall in front of your face that limits you? I recommend you dynamite. Destruction guaranteed. 5 meo . 

I don't know if I'm prepare to 5meo. First I would like to explore mushrooms/lsd. @Breakingthewall

[LostSoul]

@kbone @LostSoul @Tim R @Nahm thanks for your replys.

[Moksha]

25 minutes ago, LostSoul said:

I can definetely do that @Moksha

Awesome. The more you be, the easier it will become, until your eyes are always open. Practice makes presence

[kbone]

@Moksha

Exactamente.

 

Peeps expect to be able to go back and get it again... when IT's right HERE, right NOW... even before the thought of IT.

Just BE ... effortlessly.