I'm Nearly 18, I'm A Highschool Dropout, And I Need Called Out On My Own Bullshit.

[Yertle the Turtle]

This post is inspired by this youtube video 

I'm not much like the son in the video, but I'm afraid of turning into someone like him.

Since elementary school I've told myself that I wanted to make music. When I first saw videos of Jimi Hendrix playing I recall being filled with emotion; it was such a wonderful feeling that I wanted nothing more than to create that same feeling for others---that was my initial motivation. I've played guitar nearly every day since, and expanded to drums, bass, singing, and lyric writing, though I'm most competant on guitar.

The problem is this grand life purpose I'd chosen in the 5th grade never got anymore specific than "Be a musician" or "Make music." I played every day and improved, but I never really progressed passed noodling in my room and recording little tunes. I never bothered to join a band because 1. I'm too afraid to leave the house (my greatest weakness) and 2. I thought I could just record all the instruments myself. Mostly, though, my issue has been fear of the unkown and what others might think or say of me.

I entered online school in the 9th grade because I couldn't get myself to school. I was always exhausted because of my unceasing anxieties, and just depressed overall. The switch would also hopefully keep my parents and I out of truancy court. I was enthusiastic at first thinking I'd finally have the energy to do my school work, but I was dead wrong. With no one to really keep on track, I was expected to complete school work on the same device for watching porn and playing video games. Even with the online school's laughable attendance checking, I was finally kicked out after not logging on for months---this is a few months after the beginning of 10th grade.

I started another online program, but I was quickly forced out because the attendance was checked regularly. I was now forced to attend public high school, and had to check in to truancy court once a month at the juvenile courthouse.

I somehow made it through the remainder of my 10th grade year without any attendance issues. I was still incredibly shy and anxious, but I made one friend, so that helped me. 11th grade was going fine for about a month and a half, but then I just...stopped. I got up one morning and decided to lay back down. I forced myself back to school a few more times to calm my truancy officers pleas, but I quckly sputtered out and never went back.

The court's threat's became increasingly serious. I was enrolled in the transition school, which is just the same online progam but attended at the juvenile center. This meant driving myself every day, which was scary at first, but I got over it. I went for about two weeks and stopped. After more threats a bench warrant was finally issued after I skipped a court date.

I spent one day in jail, which was both better than I expected and worse than I expected. I went in with mental images I've seen on TV: A table of skinheads plotting a riot, guys getting in fights, crooked guards---I imagined the streorotypical prison scene from movies, but this was just juvenile detention. In reality the guards were all friendly, the food wasn't bad, and to be honest, I didn't see a single "criminal" in that building. All I saw was a bunch of children that had terrible rolemodels and no stability at home---how else could you possibly turn out when your parents are meth addicts?

It was very easy to say that these kids were the result of a shitty environment, but could I say the same about myself? Both of my parents work, all my needs are fulfilled, so it must be all my fualt, right? The only major defect I can identify in my home is that my parents are never here, and if they are, they're asleep. I've basically raised myself (and watched over my younger brothers) since the fourth grade. Being responsible for yourself at a young age can make you stronger in some ways, but I never really had anyone that told me what to do, which can be harmful. It allowed me to do whatever I wanted, to play music or whatever; but there was no one to really check me on my bullshit, my laziness, and negative behaviors. I'm not resentful in any way whether blaming my parents is justified or not, because they can't fix my issues, it's all up to me. Besides, nothing my parents have done was out of ill will towards me, they can only try, and for that I'm grateful.

How am I now? Well, this last year things seem to be improving, though very slowly. I began exercising about 6 months ago, and I've just hit my first fitness goal (Made it from 135 to 150). I journal daily, I meditate most days, though i'm becoming increasingly consistent. Last week my mom drove me up to my grandparents auto shop, and now I have my first job, which is still kind of jarring since I'm not used to that level of activity or social interaction. Now that I'm working, I have about 4 hours to myself, which I must use effeciently if i'm to complete the tasks that I want.

This was probably too much context, but whatever. Honestly I don't even know what I'm asking. I want to make music, but I'm afraid it's too late, the chance has passed. That's probably overly dramatic, but I don't want to be that guy in his twenties noodling on his guitar in his parents' house. I also don't want to be that guy in his thirties wondering what could have been. Hopefully someone can make sense of this, and I'm very grateful to anyone that was willing to read this.

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Yertle the Turtle Oh snap! That video!

Man, you've got ONE life. It's gonna be over before you know it. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!!

What are you waiting for? You're fucking YOUNG. Get leverage on yourself. Just do it and stop the overthinking and story-telling.

JUST DO IT!

START TAKING ACTION!

Complacency ruins more lives than all the meth in the world combined.

You should be out there hustling your ass off every thing day like an eager beaver, building your dreams.

JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT!

[ModernArtist]

there's nothing wrong working regular job while working on achieving your "dreams"....be careful not to get too comfortable though, always set goals for yourself...Also, depending on a career, on a flashy car, big house, jewelry or friends to make you happy is probably not the best idea.  True happiness comes from within.....If you're not happy now, you're not going to be happy later..If you don't have inner peace, you will always find something wrong in every situation that you are in. I mean look at celebrities/musicians who killed themselves...they may have had "everything" in the world to a lot of people but that's not truly the case. 

Edited September 30, 2016 by ModernArtist

[Natura Sonoris]

@Yertle the Turtle

I will tell you my personal story just to prove to you it is possible to have a musician carrer but to be brutally honest, it will really hard. Please read it because it can serve you as a good guide how to start.

When i was in high school, most of my time (to keep the story short) was spent not going to school and smoking weed and mostly not a giving a sh*t about anything. I did not even think about my future because in a way, i grew up in wealthy family so i was kinda in a way what you call a ''spoiled kid'' ( nothing drastically,but still this type of behavior comes when you have a cushy life ). Before that, i was kid that every parent wanted to have : I had best grades in school, never caused serious trouble but yet when you are boy, you get in trouble by doing stupid stuff  I was type of kid who waned to explore all there is to explore and i was feeling the happiest when i could figure out something very complex... for example a math/science problem etc. Anyway... because i was seen as geek or something like that, i had some social issues which i still have now because some kids used to mock me that resulted in all those behaviors in my high school. The kid inside me was buried so deep that i started to develop all sorts of anxieties.

Luckily for me, in high school, i used to go to rave parties and i really got hooked up with Psy trance music and i always wondered how that type of music is being created, because all the sounds are not from acoustic sources but yet, they sound very musical. At that point, the seed was planted in me. When i turned 17/18, it was time to decide which college i was going to enroll and given my marks in high school, i could not go to any public college. Luckily for me, SAE Music production school came to my city (you can google it) and when i saw the advertisement, i knew that this is somethign that i want enroll and i did but to be honest, it is quite expensive school that costs like 8000euros per year but in my case, money was not issue. At this point i have to mention that i am 18 and i have no any clue about anything related to music. I do not even know notes names on piano.

The school lasted for 2 years (i had some serious medical problems so it was 3 years for me but i paid for 2 due to health problems) and i must say, at that point, i had very solid basis how sound works in general because school's direction was more to audio engineering and less actual music. Audio engineering parts i understood very good but music was something very odd thing to me, even tho we learned about music theory but not in some practical way because most of the people in class played instrument and i did not, and that resulted in me finding myself in total confusion is this right thing for me.

After school and given the knowledge that i acquired , i build my studio to start learned how to actually produce music, because as i said, i wanted to produce electronic music ( psy trance genre for me was dead as a dream). So what i forced myself to do is to learn music theory however i could. That meant i spent hours and hours watching music theory tutorials and to amateur, it was like learning some very hard language. After 2 years of doing that, i can proudly say that at this point, i can talk to any musician and have very deep conversation about music just because i spent some much time learning this. I even came up to my own personal hack that helps me build melodies and harmonies very easily... it is not like i am trying some random notes and see how they fit, not at all. I actually can make melody to sound sad, dramatic and keep the flow going however i want and on top of that, i can layer it with harmony with no problems. Now, to someone who plays music for some time, this sounds very simple but for me, given that i learned this in only 1 year starting with absolutely nothing  (the stuff i learned at school about music was long gone and i didn't not understand it all) so i had no basis to develop on) But now it gets interesting ...

Because electronic music is all filled with somewhat unnatural sounds that mostly come from synthesizers, right ? I actually dedicated time to also learn synthesis which is one form of sound design and by far, the one of hardest skills to master in sound design field.  I spent time learning how to make my own sounds, so for example, i need a string sound, i make it. Now i am at the point that i can hear sounds in other people's music and recreate it from scratch (it will sound 80,90% same but sometimes i got to 98&). If you are familiar with Hans Zimmer, the great movie composer that did all the famous movies like Interstellar etc. I can actually recreate some of his sounds and make same melodies as he does... which i challenge anyone to achieve in 1 year time.

Now the point of the story ... I achieved this on my own by dedicating 2 years of my tim and i am excluding the school, because in these 2 years i saw how little i know and how more is there to actually know and more importantly to master.So if that does not trigger something in you that some things are possible in life if you dedicate your time to it, i do not know what else will.

Now, i would like to thank @Leo Gura  personally as well, because he was one of major triggers in me that made me achieve so much. His video ''how To stop caring what other people think about you'' struck me very very hard because it ripped all the dirt from my inner child that i buried in myself. At that time, i needed to fix some shit in my life and it would be huge post just to name a few.

On top of that, the book ''Mastery'' really showed me what is needed to accomplish something and most important lesson that i learned is this : It is about the journey. I keep finding myself with constant challenges but i know they will come naturally if i stay on the path. I am now getting close to 23 years old and i can't even imagine my life in few years. So if you are 18, trust me, you are very young to start, and i will have to quote one of actors from Californication  tv show when father gives advice to her wannabe writer daughter (it was something like that) : Good thing about being young is that .you can have loads of fucks ups but yet it is more easier to stand on your feat and start over. I was 18 when i decided to produce music and i am more than satisfied what i accomplished at this point because in two years, some things will become effortless and yet i will have more chalenges upcomming. I plan to learn how to code/build electronics and do digital visual art so i can design my own live music show. After that i will probably to do some movie scoring... 

So i hope this will open your eyes.... Btw contact me for any resources/questions you need, you can send me a private message where to find best recording tutorials that will help you stand on your feet because if you are doing this out from some wishy washy kinda state, you will not achieve nothing.I was that person and i when see people around me who are and who are not on same page as me, i just know by the way how they speak about certain subjects if they are worth something in their field or they just talking shit.

I know this because i am actually doing on my own what it takes for 5 people to do on their own because i need to compose, arrange,record, design my own sounds  mix and master my own music which is really hardcore thing to do but yet... it costs like 500,1000 euros minimum to pay someone to do it for you ... if you are lucky to find someone to do that at that price range because in some places it ranges upto 5000-10000 euros. Now i am giving advices for free because i do not consider myself a master yet, so use me now as much as you can