Physics, Meditation, Lucid Dreaming: The Path

[Dragallur]

Hi,
I already wrote this post once but than there was this server crash and it took me while to decide that I want to write something again. Here it goes, the start of my journal.

Basically I have been doing self-development of little bit more than half of year. That is the exact same point when I started with meditation. Since I keep track of all my meditation sessions I am right now on 144 hours of do-nothing (started at 20 minutes now 1 hour per day) and 47 hours of self-inquiry (started slowly almost 3 months ago, now 1 hour per day).

I want to keep track of my insights here and my journey but meditation is not everything I do.

My life-purpose is probably astronomy and it is anyways my biggest hobby so I will keep track of it. I also have blog which I will write about and I am passionate (but not good) lucid dreamer so I will try to improve my skills.

I sometimes play video games which is one of the things that I do not want to do (see later). Otherwise I want to work hard on self-inquiry because of enlightenment.

First insight:

So I will share my first insight that I had in the last two days or so.

I can finally see the benefits of meditation. It is amazing. Whoever is reading this, just start meditate right now. Basically I am sure right now. Before I thought that maybe my happiness increased (and it did) but now I know that my awareness is way above average and I am just 16 years old! The effect is simple, I know what the hell is going on around me and inside me. I can work with my feelings and investigate them and trust me, this is so powerful! I am able to stop on though and dig into it to see why I thought this and that. Anyways I will probably expand this topic later.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

1st day:

Meditation and self-inquiry

Both one hour. Pretty bad session of do-nothing though. Tommorow I will have more time. Kind of stucked in self-inquiry. Watched Leo's last video. I am too young for this yet so I will just wait, which is good because I am not feeling like doing these things yet.

Lucid dreaming

One of the best days for dreams I had and it was without LD. Three dreams, one extremely emotional, I have been thinking about it for whole day. Dreams do really have a power in them. I will maybe make thread about it once.

Physics

Just did some experiment with circuits, it was kinda fun but not much time spend.

 

Problems:

Monday is probably going to be one of the worst days for time. I need to go to bed soon because of LDing and all spiritual work takes 2 hours which means that it is almost impossible to do anything else.

I am extremely connected to my body, need to think about it?

Positives:

Though when I feel happy I always remember Jed McKenna: "being happy means just having a good dream"... I did felt great today except evening when I watched Leos video and I got kind of miserable for about 30 min. about enlightenment. I feel pity for all of those people around.. they are just living their lives without knowing what is going on around them, not that I do either

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

2nd day:

Meditation and self-inquiry

1 hour do nothing. Had to split because of food, that happens quite often actually. 20 minutes of it were Leo's guided meditation but I kinda ignored him.

Self-inquiry was spontanous in school which was a bit interesting and then I finished it at home plus added 30 minutes so its 90 minutes today!

Its funny how when you are thinking about ego death, which means that ego is thinking about its own death it does not take it personally at all. We are just so used to think and not do anything else. Also question "Who am I?" does not make really sense I guess. "Who" implies that you are person. "am" implies that you exist and it is whole just a thought. If you change it on "What am I" it does not get much better because "What" implies object. Oh yeah, language.

Lucid dreaming

Forgot 4 dreams! Two I got almost and the other were just flashes that I could not catch. FILD did not work out well, I fell asleep.

Physics

During math class I was happily practicing derivation while class moved on limits. It was fun but lot of ego. Otherwise no physics today

Problems:

 

Lot of procrastination at home. Probably because I had so much time today but at the same time so little, I could have done lot of productive things.

Positives:

Except few random moments I was quite happy today. Especially when observing other people. This actually brings me to something I want to resolve soon. In the last post I wrote in the end "not that I do either" (know what is going on). The thing is that when I am honest to myself (which I am getting much better on I guess everyday (am I? :D)) I know that I feel superior to others. I feel that knowing about ego, moralizations, lies, enlightenment and other stuff makes me superior.. is there anything bad with it? No. But I want to feel the truth. Of course I can think my way out of this but it wont disappear. Probably going to use "awareness alone is curative" next time as well as on procrastination.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

3rd day:

Meditation and self-inquiry

1 hour of meditation (40 min SDS and 20 guided)
1.5 hours of self-inquiry (20+40+30min)

I always end up with 40 minutes on SDS when I sit in the Turkish kind of way (no-lotus). I am not probably going to repeat guided meditation, I just create do nothing from it always.

Self-inquiry was great today. In the first twenty minutes I realised that I am not controlling my body often. My movement does not need to be accompanied by thought. It has to happen I have no control over it. It dawned on me that it is the same with thoughts, I already trust in determinism for quite long time now but to get the feel of it is of course best. Thoughts just come and go, they just arise and disappear again.

I already realised few days back that future and past does not have a real place in reality. Future is quite simple, its just in our minds and it feels kind of strange to say that it is encoded in the reality. Past on the other seems to be all around. But is it? Those are just are thoughts that interpret some things some way... what continues?

Lucid dreaming

3 dreams again! Great, I went to sleep at the time as the day before yesterday and I got three dreams though they were not special and were kind of short it does not matter so much.

Physics

To be honest, nothing. I suck since I created this journal (and days back). I did wrote post about binary system though so that at least.

Problems

Still problem with procrastination (internet game). It got me even little bit frustrated in the evening after watching Halloween special which is great video btw.

Positives

Watched also "Spiritual Seeker" video. Great, loved this. I guess that I understand why it wont help to get flooded by information about enlightenment. Simply its not the ego that is getting enlightened. You are just adding stuff that you need to get rid of anyway so you are making it harder for yourself. Otherwise, nice day as always. Loved the SDS that I did, it was a huge improvement from my previous meditations where I was doing a lot of shit around but this time I was really into it.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

4th day:

Meditation

Been meditating for 60 minutes as always. I was sitting and waiting for concert to start. Not best place to meditate I guess but it was quite ok, at least it was done in one shot!

Self-inquiry

Record here! I was on a concert as I said so there I self-inquired for 73 minutes. Before that at home I did 60 minutes which is 133 minutes! Now sure time is nice though the question is if I achieved something. Oh, I? Really are we there again after this day? Who asks that? And this... this?

Who am I? It is just a thought. I am not a thought. It is just a thought, again. Who am I then? Stop thinking. Just a thought. Nothing to worry about. Who would even worry? Thought again. Silence?

This seemed to be a step forward. I guess that if you have ever self-inquired you know what I am talking about.

Lucid dreaming

Nice job today. I had one dream but again it was pretty powerful one as on the first day. There were lot of emotions packed in this dream though the plot was kind of dumb. I wondered if it could happen that I got too hooked up by dreams. I mean these two I mentioned really impressed me. The thing is with dreams that they fade away. Mind has some kind of mechanism that is very good at deleting dreams. I am not talking only about the fact that it is hard to remember them without training but also that after you remember them, they will spontaneously fade and things that were very clear before are then kind of dull. For example lucid dreams are so vivid after you wake up but then.. its not such a strong memory. Does it take off the value of dreams and lucid dreams? No, not at all. I think that in my situation I got as much as I could from these two dreams and learned about myself. The thing is that in dreams you are spontaneous and things happen there in the way you want quite often. You can then have a great simulation of your subconscious.

For example though no one IRL would probably guess it, I am very emotional guy. I can perfectly see this in my dreams where I act so freely not fearing of any awkwardness or so. I cry, I feel completely happy about random stuff. I cried actually in the first dream, I cried on girls shoulder. Those were tears of happiness and I felt so amazing at that moment! There are lot of things that you can learn from dreams, thats for sure.

Physics

Did Khan Academy calculus today. Not so much but still cooler than days before.

Negatives

I procrastinated in better way. No computer games today! Nice job pal I spent some time on YouTube that I did not need to spend. Next time I go from school it would be great if I just started to meditate right away.

Positives

High level of happiness. Comfortable about stuff. Its funny how when I say something purely to boost my ego I notice it so fast. Its like a flash even about the smallest thing! So cool, I love this. I need to become more aware, this will definitely boost my self-inquiry and any other things.

Dragallur

(I wont post for about four or five days because I go on a trip. Of course all meditation and Self-i. is must and I will summarize it when I return)

[Dragallur]

5th-9th days:

So today I returned from the trip I was one. Quite nice. I did self-actualization and thought a lot here you go:

Meditation

First day I did not do 60 minutes! I kind of thought that I would do it later in a train but then I did not, happens, every other day 60 minutes though which makes up to 252 minutes. I am thinking about making some kind of challenge when I have holidays now.

Self-inquiry

So cool. I will write some insights later I guess but I did a lot of Self-I. I realized that if I walk and not speak with anybody there is really no problem with doing self-inquiry so I used that time a lot with together: 444 minutes. I will have to read a bit from Be as you are, to get hold of the process again to check how much I am going wrong direction.

Otherwise had some insights which i later discarded as thoughts, I have some issues that really need to be resolved some kind of paradox.

Lucid Dreaming

Very good job with this one too. In all four nights I had at least one dream. Twice one and twice three dreams. I got lot of sleep too which was nice. And today I woke up three times in the night always having some dream. I had the longest dream so far also. Will tell more about it later.

Physics

I discussed some basic stuff with my friend and I calculated some mechanics, pretty good too. Also revived some calculus. GG.

Negatives

Its getting late though I think I sometimes forget about ego and then it hurts me otherwise nothing serious though I have to check to not fall in the trap of "I have to do self-inquiry all the time because thats what is going to get me where I want to be!

Positives

Great mood. People around me keep me amused. They are just getting upset about such petty things.

 

Dragallur

PS: will extend this tommorow.

[JKG]

8 hours ago, Dragallur said:

Lucid Dreaming

Very good job with this one too. In all four nights I had at least one dream. Twice one and twice three dreams. I got lot of sleep too which was nice. And today I woke up three times in the night always having some dream. I had the longest dream so far also. Will tell more about it later.

When you talk about that you had a dream, do you mean a lucid dream or just a normal unconscious dream which you remembered from last night?

[Dragallur]

3 hours ago, quantum said:

When you talk about that you had a dream, do you mean a lucid dream or just a normal unconscious dream which you remembered from last night?

Just a normal dream

I have sometimes big problems with remembering dreams so thats why I am so happy about it . You are trying lucid dreaming too right?

[JKG]

3 hours ago, Dragallur said:

Just a normal dream

I have sometimes big problems with remembering dreams so thats why I am so happy about it . You are trying lucid dreaming too right?

Yeah, trying... A few years ago I learned about lucid dreaming, worked on it for about 1.5 years with absolutely no results. Within that time I had quite a few breaks and somewhen finally gave up. Because lucid dreaming depends on your consciousness in the dreaming state, I will firstly increase the quality of my consciousness in 'waking' life. When I feel that it is the right time, I will start to focus on lucid dreaming again. I had the realization that lucid dreaming is just another experience. So why shouldn't I value the experience in waking life first?

For how long do you practice lucid dreaming? How many lucid dreams did you have yet?

How do you study physics? Are you at a university, school or do you study it just as a hobby?

[Anna Konstantaki]

I´ve only had a single lucid dream in this life and it was in the night after my very first meditation session. I usually don´t even remember my dreams... Why are you guys so interested in this topic? I´d rather be "lucid awake" than lucid dreaming  

[Dragallur]

@quantum Interesting. In a week or so it will be 200 days since I started though I already did LDing before for two months or so but that is about 2 years ago at least. I had in these 200 days 8 lucid dreams. Basically for me it depends greatly on the amount of sleep I get so since I have holidays right now I expect that I will work toward another one at least.

@Anna Konstantaki @quantum Well first my motivation was to be able to fly in dreams, meet with people, discover cool places. But for some time now, I do not do it anymore primarily because of the lucid dreams. I found out that dreams can be quite interesting once you have more of them written down. I feel like I learn some stuff from them which is important for me to understand myself. I guess I could use some other waking process too, like shadow work or something like that, but I feel pretty motivated towards dreams and I hope that as my consciousness increases, which I am sure it will, I will turn the dreams into lucid dreams and this way maybe even get more time in my life. My goal is to be able to meditate during dreams or do self-inquiry cause I have heard that it can be pretty powerful. Right now I am also trying to implement some techniques like FILD to increase my rate of LDs so I will see how this goes.

@quantum I am still in a school (10th grade) and physics is my most favourite subject, particularly astronomy so I want to do that some time in the future. Otherwise I use Khan Academy and some other internet and YouTube resources.

 

[JKG]

3 hours ago, Dragallur said:

@quantum Interesting. In a week or so it will be 200 days since I started though I already did LDing before for two months or so but that is about 2 years ago at least. I had in these 200 days 8 lucid dreams. Basically for me it depends greatly on the amount of sleep I get so since I have holidays right now I expect that I will work toward another one at least.

@Anna Konstantaki @quantum Well first my motivation was to be able to fly in dreams, meet with people, discover cool places. But for some time now, I do not do it anymore primarily because of the lucid dreams. I found out that dreams can be quite interesting once you have more of them written down. I feel like I learn some stuff from them which is important for me to understand myself. I guess I could use some other waking process too, like shadow work or something like that, but I feel pretty motivated towards dreams and I hope that as my consciousness increases, which I am sure it will, I will turn the dreams into lucid dreams and this way maybe even get more time in my life. My goal is to be able to meditate during dreams or do self-inquiry cause I have heard that it can be pretty powerful. Right now I am also trying to implement some techniques like FILD to increase my rate of LDs so I will see how this goes.

@quantum I am still in a school (10th grade) and physics is my most favourite subject, particularly astronomy so I want to do that some time in the future. Otherwise I use Khan Academy and some other internet and YouTube resources.

 

My biggest achievement was that I had a dream about having a lucid dream in which I flew over our house

It's a really good idea to use the content of the dreams for shadow work. And one of my goals has always been to meditate in a lucid dreams. I've heard that Tibetan monks are doing the practice called dream yoga with the goal of being fully conscious throughout their dreams.

Physics has also been one of my favorite subjects in 10th grade. It's still interesting but I've discovered that I liked physics that much because of the mathematics. Physics was for me something like applied mathematics.
Now in 12th grade I have a different more boring teacher. Now math is rather my favorite subject although I feel very unchallenged.
Last Christmas my father bought us telescope. In the winter we used to watch the at sky every evening. For a few months I felt like astronomy has been my life purpose. That has changed, but its still very interesting. 

[Dragallur]

@quantum Yeah, I downloaded a book about dream yoga though I did not finish it yet.

Your life-purpose is something with programming and math am I right (I have noticed some fractals in your journal)?
 

[Dragallur]

10th day:

Meditation

60 minutes only. 44 minutes (which is my record) I did SDS in no-lotus position with back to wall. The rest I was sitting on my knees, quite cool. And remember, never ask a person to do something after their SDS session

Self-inquiry

60+40 minutes. All done in SDS though I moved a lot but tried to maintain general position. The second time for the 40 minutes it was quite intense. I really inquired all the stuff around me and me and it was quite cool. Want to expand this part definitely. My goals, see down..

Lucid dreaming

Nice night, 3 dreams. All written down even before breakfast as planned! Good job. Next time I could write into diary directly instead of phone to save some time.

Physics

Good job too. I did some calculus and generally some practice on Khan Academy. I am really looking forward to finish the part of calculus I need and jump on physics again!

Negatives

Not really though I had for a moment during Self-I frustration moment and in the first part I was not really concentrated. Also today I have spent a lot of time doing other stuff, I helped with cooking for almost 2 hours or so, which is not a problem because thats quiet useful anyway. Tommorow I need to go sooner to sleep and also I will try out FILD again.

Positives

Nice day. I feel very satisfied. Minor distractions like this forum but I think I did my best today. Will work on that. Otherwise I did not rush things at least I guess so I did not keep myself stupidly busy but I just did stuff and it was fun!

Holiday challenge

SInce I have holiday I wanted to do some small challenge for myself though I do not have the rules yet so much. I have until 17th of October.

I want to run everyday, do yoga, read more because I simply skipped this one for a long time, more self-inquiry meaning some kind of long session once in a while.

I run 5.36 kilometers today with the tempo of 5:44 which is ok though nothing exceptionall.

Deep time plans

I want to have 1 hour in average of self-i when I hit one year of meditation (1.3.2017). That should not be so hard, I have 2403 minutes less than that, (that is less than 2 days straight). The harder version I want to do is to have 365 hours of self-i when I hit year of meditation. The thing is that I started self-i on the first of July which is something totally different. Let me calculate this: 123.3 minutes every day. Wow that is not something I do right now I will think about this more but it would be nice if I somehow boosted it, will see what I like to do!

Dragallur

PS: hopefully tommorow I will share with you some of my special lucid dreaming boosts and my journey so far and who the hell I am actually.

[Dragallur]

Lucid dreaming special:

Today I will share with you my lucid dreaming story.

Basically about 2 years back I heard about lucid dreaming from my friend. He did not ever practice it though but I really liked the idea. Soon after that I teached basics to new friend and we were in it together. It took me about 1 month to get the first lucid dream and it was long in matter of seconds. Right now I am not even sure if it was not dream about lucid dream. I did not really care about my dream recall and after about 2 or 3 months I quit.

For year and half I did not think about it at all. Then little bit less than a month after I started meditating I started to keep a journal. As of today I have almost 200 dreams under my belt which is something like 0.96 dreams per night. I have also 8 lucid dreams in total (not counting the first period 2 years ago).

SInce I already have lot of data I have learned quite lot from it. Basically for these 200 days I am keeping huge statistics of how many dreams I got, how much I have slept, when did I woke up at night. It is quite large right now and I can draw conclusions better and better. There are certain hours where I get much more dreams. Also if you are on this journey do not forget about dream recall. I have been fighting with it a lot and none of the six books (that I read about lucid dreaming) have ever brought me a final solution, which does not need to happen to you.. my friend without much of an effort has 6-8 dreams per night and dreams that take up 2 word pages! Anyway I find this statistics as my lifesaver, (dreamsaver) otherwise I bet I would still be on the start.

RIght now I am trying FILD technique which you can easily look up on the internet. In couple of minutes I will post the summary of today.

[Dragallur]

11th day:

Meditation

60 minutes. Today only 36 were SDS. My right leg right under knee hurts from the running yesterday

Self-inquiry

65+60=125 minutes. Cool. Nothing really happened and I realised that I wont be able to keep up this pace when school starts again.

Lucid dreaming

I had two dreams in my memory but than forgot one so only one short dream today. Nothing to worry about.

Physics

Did lot of derivatives. Topic: Basic differentiation finally finished, now some harder stuff is coming and then integrals!
Also found some interesting stuff about Blue Origin and SpaceX, probably going to write about in on my blog later.

Negatives

After lunch I have been extremely lazy for maybe an hour. Otherwise the day was fine except that I said I will join some garden work tommorow. This is not a problem itself, I know that it will be worth it even that right now I am not so happy about it. It is just the feelings that come with it I am not so happy about. Also I felt like the people could let me be for a whole day. I do not like very much when somebody asks how are the computer games going (not the case today) or what you are doing this whole time, sitting infront of computer?.. Of course I know that this is only my problem. If I need to solve this I will tell them that I meditate and that it is not true though I am kind of dodging to talk with people about this stuff. Nobody here really knows that I am doing self-actualization. (Actually I am for one year on exchange in Germany, just for you guys to know). I feel like I would really like to help people around me but I know that their reactions would be.. well. Actually my host-mother asked me once about how is it that I am always so relaxed. I mentioned self-actualization and that I (HERE I almost manipulated you with the word "try") do not worry about petty things. I think that this is generally true. When I am around people I could sometimes laugh at their problems.. on the other hand everybody has their own problems and I can not judge the seriousness of their situation, thats nice, I can keep with that so that I do not become some kind of moralizator.
That day I also mentioned meditation but they did not catch on this thema. Not that it worries me.

Positives

As I mentioned, my right leg hurts so I wont be running for some time. At least I did yoga today for 52 minutes and listened to last Leos video during that time for the second time.

Challenge

Yoga done. Little bit of German learned. No challenge though and no reading.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

My Self-Inquiry:

(Now I am self-inquiring so there is going to be lot of mess below)

 

Who is self-inquiring? I am. Who is I? I. That does not bring us closer to the answer. Us? Me. I. Not body. Yup. Not mind.... hmm yup I guess so. Who guesses? I do. It is a thought that appears on the screen. Yes. Who answered? Who asked? I did. Does it mean that I asks itself what it is? Yeah. But it would mean that I is capable of asking. Is that a problem? That would also mean taht it has thoughts and that it has mind but it was just stated that I is not mind. Oh damn. So? Thought asks what is I, better? What is it than, does thought know? I do not know. Wow, who does not know? Sorry, my mistake. Whos mistake? Mine... I mean.. uhh what am I trying to do here? Yup, what are you trying to do here? Enlightenment? Who is trying to get enlightened. I do. Man, that was a thought. Can not I be a thought? Maybe if you write yourself without this capital "I" but rather i. You have not answered the question. Who are you reffering to?, who was asking question. You did, I heard you, in my head. LOL, who am I then?.. I hell good question, whos is this head anyway? Maybe it belongs to thought. Crap. Why? Thought disappear, see the thought was not here until I started to think about it. You just screwed. Yeah I know. Who knows that? Cmon, this was my role. Whos again?

I am not thought. Who am I? I is a thought.
I feel like writing thrilling story. Who feels like that? I do. Those are thoughts and thoughts disappear while I still exist. What? How do I know that I exist if I do not know who am I? Who does not know? A thought, thought is trying to figure this out. Shit. Asnwering with another thought, again and again. Who is aware of this? I am is just a thought. I do not know. Uhh, I was already through this, ouch, damn, what should I do. Do I need to do anything?

I still think that I am I. This is stupid. Who thinks that? I....... Who is aware of this I? No answer? I am waiting for an answer. Who is waiting? A thought, but then it disappears. Thoughts disappear and another thought acknowledges it but then it disappears, like this one. I already know that thoughts would not exist without externall stimuli. Lets prove it again.

I do self-inquiry because I listened to Leos videos.
I write here because I was taught how to write on keyboard and how to read. (This one is strange)
I think about my home in Czech Republic because I lived there for a long time.
I judge people because of what I see. (And based on other thoughts of course)
I think that some things are healthy based on their taste and what I have heard from others.
I think that I am <my real name> because people call me like that.
I think that stuff belongs to me because somebody told me what I own and what has to happen for you to own something.

Guess this is enough. I noticed that there was lot of "I". lol Ok I am trolling ups.. This is not getting anywhere. Who thinks that it should get anywhere?

Thoughts change, experience changes... who actually thinks that I do not change or that I exist at all? A thought?

I think that I do not change because I can recall that "being" felt the same week ago, two weeks, month, I even tested this one.
But who thinks this? "I thought" does not change. It still has (roughly) the same spelling and the same tone since it is ME who is saying it.

Me? Really? DIdnt you learn anything? Who is to learn anything? I learn whole my life. No.. Dragallur is learning, I could substitute the name for anything else and it would not change anything about me. (Wat?) Dragallur is just a label. Everyones name is just a label that has nothing to do with the real self whatever it is. It has nothing to do with reality, it is not true because reality is true and the name does not describe reality. What describes reality? Not thoughts, those are based on language and language is just labels. Though I experience reality, or not? Who experiences reality? My eyes? Whos eyes? These eyes see stuff and I call it reality. I call it reality. I call it reality. I call it reality. I call it reality.

Have you noticed some kind of pattern here? I did.

Who is laughing? Oooo, smily little face, because it is me who is laughing, my face is laughing. (Actually IRL I have just a small smile).

Who is laughing? I believe something. But it is just a thought. And thought is just a label, completely arbitrary, it serves the mind to think about stuff around.

Who is writing all of this? The person behind computer. Human being. Who thinks that? Not only I but also everybody else around me. Where do we know this from? Other people told us. We could all be deceived about the most fundamental thing. It already occured to ME that these words are just being typed out, no one really typing them. Though I feel like I control my fingers. I stopped for a moment before this sentence for example. Just a thought. Thoughts also arise, then they vanish. Let this document be MY proof, all of them are based on the I that is doing stuff, thinking stuff. But it is just another thought. Ha! And it rises up so often that it is just continous stream of I. As movie is continous stream of pictures. Love this analogy

I love this analogy. Sorry for not finishing sentences. I apologize for not finishing sentences. It is so clear. I am a thought. --> Means I am not a thought though thought thinks that it is thought.

What was this? Those are just thoughts. Do I exist, truly, really, without false thoughts? The only thing I can say, is that I do not know. Thats.. well.. mind boggling, guess that is why mind cannot get through this. But that I exactly what it is trying to do with this exact sentence. WITH THIS

Who would even control my thoughts. I? Thoughts controlling thoughts? To whom does it seem, not true? To a thought, like this one and another. Lets examine why thoughts are not true.

True means representing the reality, that is what science is trying to do. Represent reality truly (though after doing this stuff I guess that it does not do the best job ever). Do thoughts represent reality truly? What would it mean? I need something that I am sure of being true and compare it to thoughts. But everything that comes through mind is somewhat converted into thought. But as I said, thoughts are made up of language. I could not think without language. Language is just word. When you point to thing and say it is apple, you will bring lot of stuff with it. Apples are red, juicy, sweet. Red color, that is also something we point at "This is red". But blind person has no idea what red is. Also if I learn my kids that they call red the stuff we normally say it is green nothing would happen. It is just a label. We could switch from green to red and red to green and after few years of work everybody would call the stuff "the right way" again. Language and thoughts are just tools. Tools for communicating what we see. If we call something by a label we bring lot of thoughts with it that add story to the object but the object does not clearly store the information. It is just in our thoughts. Thoughts are not true because they are made of language and language is just labels that does not matter and can not ever describe reality truly. "I thought" is not true, it is just a label and maybe the wrongest one.

The important thing is.. everything that I wrote is not true. It is just a bullshit, all of it. It is trying to comprehend reality through labels and trying to uncover these labels with just other labels. It is labels all the way down. That is what we do. We label things. Look around, really do it RIGHT NOW. Look around. Stop on something random and say to yourself what it is! It is not that. It is not even something else. The whole idea of objects is simply false. We create some arbitrary borders for things to exist so that we can live our lives happily. But what are we actually living. Going to school, going to work, going to eat something. We do all of this and at the same time screwing reality that is around us with our labels and thoughts. Even this paragraph is false even though it could seem that it is providing the answer. It is fundamentally false trying to fight its way out using language, again. That what I do. Use language I use language but this I that I call I is just as false as the language. Even saying that it is false is false and it does not make the next fucking word any more truthful. What then does?

We go in our lives. Caring about all this shit. Just in the community of humans. It does not matter if you die really. It really matters only to people. Because they have their self-image which are constructed on thoughts and these thoughts on other thoughts and other layers of lies. And more lies. We go and think about money, sex, self-development. Thinking that it matters, but it is all lie. All just build up lie. And this whole giantic lie sits on the biggest lie, the lie of I. Such a small letter.

I

Thats it. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. We are going through are stupid lifes, and then we die. Our lifes are made up of complete shit and then we die. I am lie. I am lie. The people that I think about as my family. Those are just piles of walking thoughts, piles of walking lies. Friends too. Teachers also. Reader also. Sorry reader.

Funny, lie is apologizing.

I guess this was all just bullshit. All just lie. I have nothing to say. Who am I again?

Dragallur

(I read it once after myself and corrected only some spelling mistakes otherwise everything is the same as when I was self-inquiring. Hope someone could give me comment on this, but I do not know if someone will have the time to read at least part of it. It took me about an hour to write it and I stopped sometimes for a minute or so.)

[JKG]

@Dragallur it seems like a legit self inquiry session.

For me its actually easier to write it all down. So my thought dont diatract me too much and i dont drift back into stories.

You could also try out spiritual autolysis. Thats very similar to seld inquiry. You just try to find whats true until you know. And that process you'll write down too.

[Dragallur]

1 hour ago, quantum said:

@Dragallur it seems like a legit self inquiry session.

For me its actually easier to write it all down. So my thought dont diatract me too much and i dont drift back into stories.

You could also try out spiritual autolysis. Thats very similar to seld inquiry. You just try to find whats true until you know. And that process you'll write down too.

Thanks I thought about it since I have read the first Jed McKenna's book.. will check out how other people around do it. You are right it was very concentrated when I wrote it.

[Dragallur]

13th day:

Meditation

SDS broken into two parts because of lunch. Otherwise quite ok. I moved kind of often but only hands or so. The important part are legs that start to hurt I guess and these just stay as long as possible.

Self-inquiry

Extremely good, Wrote it on computer again. About 75 minutes or so.

Lucid dreaming

No dreams today! I went to sleep very late because I was in cinema so that explains. FILD did not work, will report tomorrow, got cool idea.

Physics

Wrote nice post on blog about Blue Origin and SpaceX! Lot of studying very fun.

Negatives

Used awareness alone is curative on game. Not so bad quite ok actually.

Positives

Good, I am quite happy, helped people around

Challenge

Learned some German but no yoga or books. Sucked today, and I have reasons, but I they do not give me less responsibility for it

Dragallur