Physics, Meditation, Lucid Dreaming: The Path

[Dragallur]

14th day:

Meditation

60 minutes. Two shots on SDS. 28 and 32 right after each other but in different position. (No-lotus and then on knees)

Self-inquiry

40 + 80 minutes. The 80 minutes were writing on computer. Deep as shit. It is very powerful I feel very concentrated when I do it.

Lucid dreaming

Screwed FILD because I fell asleep. At the same time I had 4 dreams in the morning, great!

Physics

Product rule finished, started quotient rule.

Negatives

Lot of procrastination. Used awareness little bit.

Positives

Feeling fine with stuff, turned the games in better experience and analyzing emotions at least. Also the Self-I was really cool. I totally fucked up the idea of myself. Definitely will continue next day!

Challenge

Huh, at least I was for walk, otherwise no yoga, no reading, no german, have to be honest huh?
Tommorow I will have more time, the question is if it helps me.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

15th day:

Meditation

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Actually no, I wont apologize, it does not matter anyways. I did 60 (26+34) of meditation. Yesterday I did 60 too and also it was full SDS which was today too but in train which was kind of easy.

Self-Inquiry

Yesterday and today, great. Today I did 131 minutes and about 90 were without break. I wrote about 4 pages of complete shit, and I felt like even worse shit after it. Right after the end of the session I was having dinner. Oh my, the people, they do not exist. I was so much fucking out. I did not talk much for some time because I was so amazed by what the hell we are doing here with our lives. This is crazy.

Lucid dreaming

No dreams, yesterday 2. Going to rewamp my system. I will try to go to sleep regurarly exactly at the same time 21:30 and wake up exactly at 6:00 which is 8 hours 30 minutes. Maybe I will change it once I try it. I need to rebuild my basics in lucid dreaming.

Physics

Oh, I completely forgot about this one. Yesterday I did some chain rule. Cool, derivatives are going to be finished quite soon!

Negatives

Little of procrastination. Most of today I was in interesting type of museum where I actually did physics too in a way. (That is not negative of course). Also I skipped yoga though I planned it for a long time. Tomorrow since I wake up so soon I will have lot of time to do it!

Positives

I really have to praise this new type of self-inquiry. This really helps a lot. Otherwise I had to encounter some pretty interesting things like argument with my host-sister where I knew she is wrong by basic of human etique and she is using stupid arguments but I was still able to let go. Nothing like stupid arguments exist and etique is just a construct it does not matter, there was no right or wrong here.

Challenge

Nothing done basically, what did I thought when starting this "challenge"?
I have an amazing idea. Lets call it: The Grand Project.

The Grand Project

This is idea of creating site, lets call it School of Astronomy where astronomy is stored. About planets? Everything, all news, all missions.. everything! Keplers laws, thousands of examples, or physics and math behind it, and how to learn astronomy, how to star gaze how to create your own telescope. Wow, this is going to be cool. One day.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

16th day:

Meditation

30+30 minutes of SDS. Quite ok, nothing new going here.
Today I did 20 minutes of mindfulness! Yay, cool!

Self-inquiry

130 minutes of writing and contemplating.
Wow. This is getting deep. I think I realized that there is nothing for me to do. I can not do anything to reach enlightenment, how fucked up is that? I think I do not exist in Reality. "I" is just thought, just a concept, false concept that has no place in reality. Who experiences it? Nobody does, things just happen.

Listened to Mooji, I know well what he is talking about but it does not help me at all. Nothing does. Shit.

Lucid dreaming

1 cool dream + 1 random. Woke up at 7:00 AM for some reason instead of 6:00 AM, thats ok.

Physics

Wow, I said that I will be done soon but I just found that there is immense amount of stuff to cover! Not a problem

Negatives

Played Monopoly with my sister. I understand well why only awareness alone is curative. I felt pretty bad. I lost but also what is important I "wasted" something like 3 hours when I wanted to do self-inquiry. (See the paradoxes around?) From bigger perspective it was not a problem but not something I want to do again.

Positives

Went out for Frisbee at least. Had good mood otherwise. Really moving a lot everyday (ha, another paradox). I feel pretty motivated towards lucid dreaming!

I finally understand "completely" what 100% responsibility means.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

17th day:

Meditation

60 minutes SDS. 43 minutes of no-lotus and 17 of kneeling. Thats good!

Self-inquiry

120 minutes. I do not know what is the next step? There is none probably. I did not write lot today. I was more just sitting and being aware. How I would love to have some kind of process!

Lucid dreaming

3 dreams! I woke up in the night and had cool one. Again for some reason woke up at 7:00 AM but I was so tired that I stayed until 7:45 or so. No alarms in the night anymore.

Physics

Cool, whole new chapter in calculus and I was creating my own Solar System which was cool!

Negatives

Some procrastination but I managed to self-inquiry it and did not get involved in the games!

Positives

Happy with being

Dragallur

 

[Dragallur]

18th day:

Meditation

First time ever 60 minutes straight of SDS! I moved hands and so on but I made it finally. Painful, if the house started to burn at the moment I ended I would just lie there. This was brutal.

Self-inquiry

120 minutes of straight self-inquiry. Interesting I want to expand my insights a bit but its really late so I will do it another time. Basically my mind is really fucked up with the fact that it can not do anything to get enlightened.

Lucid dreaming

Again woke up in the night! Two long and cool dreams! Definitely will try to keep with strict schedule for sleep and waking up though today it is late, I was participating on some talk.

Physics

Ahh, nope, nothing today. I am really starting to like the idea of The Grand Project I mentioned earlier. I will probably check out some things on how possible is to create such an online business.

Negatives

Not aware enough when discussing some opinions.

Positives

Really worked on doing self-inquiry when doing other things, cool! Happy otherwise. 50 minutes of yoga!

For some time I wanted to cite a quotes from my most favorite band (Insomnium).. I listen to melodic death metal
Here is first one:

"To impart elegance all living
Experience the grandeur in giving
Felicity found in commitment
Tranquillity in mere being"
-Insomnium (Against The Stream)

Dragallur

Edited October 14, 2016 by Dragallur
wrong name of song I quoted!

[Dragallur]

21st day:

Meditation

60 minutes of do-nothing. Had to break up few times because I did it in school but there was basically no other option since otherwise I would not do it at all.

Self-inquiry

60 minutes of crappy self-inquiry. Little bit of awareness but I did it with other things and it was not useful. Monday is full as hell.

Lucid dreaming

Well, 0 dreams and I know that I forgot something like 3 or so. I went to bed at 21:30 as promised and woke up at 6:00! Cool.

Physics

Did some practical stuff with my host brother and it was very cool. I think I finally start to understand the currents that we build. That was like 90 minutes or so.

Negatives

Not much really. Today was good, except my dream recall and self-inquiry but I guess Monday is going to be like this.

Positives

I was on the physics thing which is cool and also I was on parkour for the first time! It was amazing. So fun, also I am extremely weak.. will have to work on that. Anyway these two things and the fact I want to go to sleep at 21:30 makes Monday really killer day.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

23rd day:

Meditation

60 minutes. As usual.

Self-inquiry

60 minutes. I think that I got back where I started in the good sense. The sessions with lot of writing were good, but these were only thoughts and I was trying to persuade myself of my nonexistence in a weird way.

Lucid dreaming

Uhh, after two nights of no dreams I got 1 dream today. Good. I am trying to stick to the schedule of going to bed and waking up.

Physics

Today nothing. Damn.

Negatives

No physics. I did not do Khan Academy for few days. When I am in class and they learn the start of calculus I help some of the kids around which is pretty fun. Also I can really check my understanding. I got the basis very well. I really know what is going on there which is nice!

Positives

Really fastly recovered from short time depression. Cool. Wednesday is great day for doing lot of stuff.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

Lets do another Self-Inquiry here:

Who am I?
Who is asking? I have come through this couple of times already. Who did? I know, this was just a though of "me" doing it. Who knows? Its the same again. Who says so? A thought. I am not a thought. Who are you? I am not even speaking for the true I, I guess. I want to say that I know that these are all just thoughts. I have already uncovered that they are false. Did you? Yup. When? Ah, couple of days ago, I know where are you going. That is just a thought. I know. Do you? I think so. Thought, thinking that it is false as any other thought but still not taking it very personally. This "I" that is talking all the time is not true I. It knows it. "I" know it. Thoughts have to be false because reality is true and they are not representing reality. If they are not representing reality (using language) they have to be false and even non existing. This sentence as well as the last one does not have any place in reality. But they are here. Yeah, but their meaning is not true. And the "fact" that they are not true is false too. It is just an infinite loop of non existing thoughts. Ach..

Who wrote this? "I" did. I do not exist. The I that eats, writes, drinks, learns, speaks etc. is not true. It is just a thought. Says a thought. Damn.

I am trying to get enlightened. Yup. Though this "I" that is trying to get enlightened does not even exist according to the paragraph above. Oh, I guess that when paragraph says it, it must be true.

I can not get enlightened? Yes. You can not. Probably.

This whole thing is staying on some kind of logic, mental construct. And mental construct is saying that all mental constructs are false. I guess it would help if I just stopped writing for a while, because thoughts can not get me anywhere. Because "I" am trying to get somewhere. And I do not exist.

Yup here I am. Sitting still here. Writing this sentence. Though it is not me doing it. Well in a way yes but the thought "I" can not be controlled I guess anyway. There is noone to control anything.

Crap. I am just stucked in some shit. At least it feels to me. I would love some kind of process. "I" needs process, I needs this and I needs that and I is not happy about this and I really hates that, I would rather do something else and I... does not exist.

Fingers just write these words. Thoughts just appear. But all of this is lie. Still I am writing it. I am not. Damn. There is noone to be enlightened yet here I am... not. All of my belongings, all of my memories, all of my personality, all of my beliefs, all of my attributes, all of my relationships, all of the things I hate, all of the things I love.. none of that matters, I do not matter and it does not matter. It is completely ok because none of it really exists. Yet here I am thinking about it. See........ here comes the thought that I do not exist. Over and over. See........ here comes the thought that I am not getting anywhere. Who thinks all this? So deep in the shit.

I am seeking answer and I know I can not give it to myself like this. I feel like a jumping rat that is in a maze (which is just a circle) and bumping into boxes titled: paradox, DO NOT ENTER infinite amount of thoughts. What? Why am I even writing this? Who is writing this?

Its interesting how I do not believe in free will, I think that I do not exist, I think I can not get enlightened and I think that I need to surrender yet here, in this fight, all of these things are just burdens. They do not matter.

Thats it. Do not carry anything. Do not carry anything. What is left when I leave all the stuff behind (+ emotions, I forgot them )? What is left???

I want to say that I know the answer. I want to say "nothing", I want to say that it does not even closely describe the state because there are no words left to describe it. Here we are again, concetrate on "I" and it will melt away with all the thoughts it came with. And the "I" will do it itself. This is called a real planned suicide and there is one bonus, you die while being alive. Also, note that this is a lie. Now the rat ran few circles and found herself on the same place, little bit dizzy but nowhere. It makes sense, where would you go in the circle?

Now the rat was watching some of the stuff on one of the boxes and completely forgot about the maze. Here it is again. What do I suggest it to do? Leave her intentions, leave her body, leave all the rat memories and escape. Escape from the maze. Wow, what a lie to tell the rat.

Cool, self inquiry poem:

Who am I?
What am I?
Am I, I?
Am I?
Lie.

Wow I really like this. Who likes this? Who listens to the music in background? Who sits on a chair? Who is writing this? Who is reading this? Who just stopped for a moment? Who was just looking around the maze?

Why do I feel I exist in the first place? Because others told me so. They learned me all this thinking. Called me a name. Told me that I am the body. Told me that I experience all of this stuff around. I am trying to debunk this. Though I know that I can not do it from inside (in a sense). I have to get outside of here. Outside of this lie. Who does this? It is just a egoic desire though without egoic desire people do not get enlightened. It is part of the journey. It is necessary at some point but you can leave it behind as well as everything else once it brings no good. The time has come to release the burden. Who releases the burden? Noone? Does the burden releases itself? Maybe. Who does not know?

This feels like the end for today.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

27th day:
Lyrics of song:

And this fall set requiem for my way
Away from other's paths, I turned to desolation
Away from other's thoughts, timid and surpassing
Away from the others, beyond caring
-Insomnium (Devoid of Caring)

Meditation

Interesting. I did 107 minutes today. Since I was this weekend on hike trip I did 80 in a car (that is quite easy and lazy way to do meditation). And when I was at home I did this urge to just start SDS and stop after whatever time I want. I did that, I was extremely not moving and staring at one spot basically for 25 minutes. Cool.

Self-Inquiry

Did almost 2 hours during hike as well as the day before. I am returning to the way of letting go of thoughts and trying to find "I" without talking all the time. I even had this sudden surge yesterday that I want these thoughts to shup of for a minute, interesting.

Physics

Almost none though I discussed some things when I was hiking and in hotel.

Lucid dreaming

Today nothing special though I had 2 dreams and I forgot lot of stuff.. but yesterday! Yesterday I had a Lucid dream! I was one Mars but I was comparable in size to it. I was there with friend and some other people. Whole Olympus Mons was under my feet and I was just chilling there. Then when I became even more aware that I am in a dream I started to lose it and then I woke up. At least I thought so but it was just a false awakening. Interesting, very cool indeed.

Mindfulness

Hell yeah, new section. @quantum inspired me to try harder to do mindfulness during day, I did that before but I kept forgetting about it all the time.

Negatives

Played a game once I returned home. Otherwise quite ok. Nice insight: I am starting to have nice list of things that get me into cabin fever and I want to work on that. Right now I am pretty conscious of it and it needs solution too!

Positives

I just stopped playing the game at one point because of dinner but I had actually no desire to continue, it was so pointless. Great meditation. Nice mood. All going fine and especially the lucid dream made me happy

Dragallur

Edited October 23, 2016 by Dragallur
lyrics of song

[Dragallur]

31st day:
Lyrics of song:

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one:
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done

-Insomnium (Drawn to Black)

Meditation

I am really doing great SDS finally. No moving until it hurts too much. Also today quite interesting thing happened. I was doing SDS and it hurt. But it was ok. It was just a feeling! I did not get totally detached to be honest, but I was like, ok no problem. I even almost started to laugh when I was on todays Yoga and my muscles hurt and I did not care. It was completely ok! I really want to explore this in future days.

Self-Inquiry

Cool. I did walking during it two days back. No exceptionall. I do not write more than few sentences now, its because there is nothing to write. Its all just a lie anyway. I rather inspect thoughts when they arise and send them BACK TO SHADOWS!

Lucid dreaming

Sucks, One dream today, no dreams past two days Today I will try MILD in the night, hopefully I will wake up.

Physics

This is a ride! I did some astrophysics but I found out that my skills are way too low. I need to finish calculus it is the key. Otherwise most equations look like a picture to me, what do you do with this triple integral followed by this row of greek symbols?
Next two week I will have hella lot of physics. My class is going on internship and I can not participate since my German is not so good. I picked up some classes that I want and I will have 12 classes of physics per week 6 of math .. yup when you want you can

Also I am doing some contests!

Mindfulness

Went better than I thought. Not so much today but otherwise ok. I am trying to be generally aware of what is going around me and no auto-pilot mode. It is quite interesting but I get distracted a lot in school.

Dragallur

[dude]

Hey that grand project you talked about a while back sounds really cool! I think that may be your intuition speaking, you should flesh out the idea. I would be interested in such a website it would have to have a lot of pictures tho. I like the cool space pictures it gets me thinking about all those deep things. Maybe you could even monetize it if your interested in that sort of thing, a telescope guide of some kind.

Keep up the good meditations,

- the dude

[Dragallur]

@dude Thanks. Yeah I have it in my mind and I am considering how should it look like and what do I need to do to make something like this. Right now I know that I have to learn a lot to be able to put good information into something like that, but I feel like I could combine two things (astronomy and teaching) together so well with this one. I am only 16 though, I consider starting to read some books related to business to get the idea how does it work and if it is even possible.

[Dragallur]

33rd day:
Meditation
Now keep your hats on... because... I did 120 minutes of SDS straight! Now to keep things clear I changed position two times and I moved quite few times but not generally. I did first 51 minutes in nolotus and then 39 sitting and 30 on knees. It was quite cool. I expected it to be much harder, mind you this was twice as much as I ever did!

Self-Inquiry
60 minutes walking.

Lucid dreaming
1 dream.

Physics
Did a bit of Khan Academy and otherwise some physics on internet, then I did Math olympiade, I will have to work on it tommorow more.

Mindfulness
Wow, completely forgot. Did only 2 times or so. Hopefully during school it will be better.

The Grand Project
I mentioned this a while back and The Dude reminded me to share what I came up with since.

Basically as I said it would be a site to learn astronomy. The first idea was to earn money with it which I do not know at all how hard is. I would have to study for it a lot of course to build extremely solid background. I want to do such a thing in english which means that I would have to either send my texts to corrections or get better in english, but that is ok now, I am improwing.

Also I would really love the idea of this whole page extremely nested with all these articles, explanations and tutorials. I bet that if it would work I would start to collaborate with people that would help me to expand it, one person simply can not keep track of whole astronomy and astrophysics field What I really like is the idea that one subject would be "completely" and proffesionally covered there and also I feel like there is no great source for astronomy on the whole internet For example Khan Academy does not have much at all and it is more of the "popular stuff".

Negatives
Interesting, today was the most procrastinating day since, well a long time. I even watched a movie, played some stuff. I think it was mainly because of weekend and because I felt like I did lot of stuff with the 2 hour meditation. This cut off my day a lot but I think I learned something from it.

Positives
Well definitely my 2 hour meditation. Also I found about this guy who is also 16 years old and is doing astronomy. He is from Czech Republic also. He is basically one of the best guys on astronomy of his age in the world, winning silver on international olympiade and bronze too. I got thinking about it during my self-inquiry and I was able to resolve some kind of feeling that I need to compare myself to him. That was nice at least.

Funny thing is that I know that I will have much worse feeling if I dont do much things tommorow. Hmm.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

34th day:
Meditation
60 minutes SDS before lunch. Another 60 minutes in afternoon! I felt like I really want to do the other 60 minutes so I did. Very steady but I was not able to hold nolotus for the whole time. It was hell, but cool.

Self-Inquiry
94 minutes during the play of Settlers of Catan. Interesting how I got caught by the game. Its been long time since I had these reactions. I like how when I do things like play board games I step few months back in my development, but that is ok

Lucid dreaming
If I want to continue I will have to work more on this. No dream tonight though I went to sleep very late.

Physics
Lot of math today. Good job really. I figured it out. I will just boost up my math skills extremely as Neil deGrass Tyson says and then I will understand astronomy more. I did some things but I always got stuck on advanced (spherical) trigonometry, integrals, multiple derivations and so on. I plan to learn these things on high level and then return to it! Feeling very good about it.

Mindfulness
Again, not much. I was quite mindfull during my second meditation but I ate fast and so on, as usually, tommorow is school and I have chance to do it better!

Negatives
Low mindfulness. Lucid dreaming. Procrastination.

Positives
Lot of meditation. Math. Feeling good, interesting board game from which I have learned something. Watched 2nd part of Pirates of the Caribbean. It was way better than yesterday. Nice relaxation when you plan it from the start of the day and it is not unplanned procrastination on which you are angry.

Dragallur
 

[Dragallur]

37th day:

Meditation
60 minutes SDS as usual though I had to break it because somebody wanted something. I am creating this plan to do long sessios again.

Self-Inquiry
It is kind of crappy last days. I will do it more mindfully next time. I try to do it through eating or something like that but it is not a good approach at all.

Lucid dreaming
1 dream, yesterday 2. Quite nice. I am now writting them in school which is cool since it saves up some time.

Physics
Some Khan Academy, finished all math olympiade problems succesfully! Now the difficult part, I have to write how I did it in German

Mindfulness
Quite good today actually. Had some moments with very good mindfulness and it took me a long time to eat lunch ..

Positives
Good mood. I have realised couple of days back how much I have changed. Nowadays I am basically thinking about the 5 things above, mostly then physics and generally enlightenment. Its like 90% of my time.. interesting. Also I wrote post on my blog today which I am for some reason proud of.

Negatives
Procrastination.

Plans
Try out interesting sleep schedules.
Start to do visualizations.
Think about The Grand Project!

Dragallur
 

[Dragallur]

38th day:
Meditation
60 minutes. I will defintely do longer session soon. Meditation is great.

Self-Inquiry
Not good again. Did not have so much time. We will see how weekend goes, there will be needed some rewamp.

Lucid dreaming
Two dreams. Quite good and I have not slept long time.

Physics
Todays classes were great. Had 3 hours of physics in school, we did some electron tubes and I wrote some things on the math olympiade.

Mindfulness
Not very good. Just random few seconds mindfulness moments here or there.

Negatives
I was to dentist today. To put it shortly. My teeth are quite sensitive and Czech dentist system is not very good and my teeth are quite screwed up now. Interesting is how much relief came over me when I found out that it is not completely my fault. Well, what do I do? I have not much of protective layer and I do have places where cavities could very easily form. I got pretty depressed after I found out. Now I am relatively ok.

I do not want to have teeth screwed up so soon. I will keep track here of strong teeth routine. 2 times a day brushing as always but doing nothing else during it! Also using dental fluss, making sure to keep teeth clean after food.. man I have done it always, I do not eat sweet much though I eat lot of bread.. we will see. I do not want to have more problems with this.

Bad mindfulness and self-inquiry.

Positives
I survived all of this negative stuff way better than I thought. I already wrote it to my mum too which is cool. I kind of fear of completely dont caring about physical reality and what happens in it. I am not ready yet, but one day it will come. Right now I have healthy fear of my teeth and health, it will work, I wont underestimate it again!

I did not mention yesterday that something interesting happened to me, I was just reading journals of Marc Schinkel where he had amazing experience, check it out and the journal of quantum (cool journal too ). I felt very good, Marc's stuff was simply beautiful and then I saw in quantum's journal how there are other people that have basically the same issues as me which nowadays does not happen very often. I felt so happy and in the moment, couple of tears appeared even on my eyes. It was beautifull, thanks.

Dragallur
 

[Dragallur]

39th day:
Meditation
60 minutes of SDS. Part of it was done in school, no problem.

Self-Inquiry
Went out walking and it was 90 minutes, quite interesting but nothing I can sum up in words. Basically very mindful and stronger inquiry then days before.

Lucid dreaming
No dreams. I forgot one. Quite ok with it. Tommorow I will finally try to wake up at 5:00AM.

Physics
Only had 1.5 hours at school, that is all.

Mindfulness
It kept hitting me in the morning which was cool but later on I was not so mindful and I ate very fast. There are some moments like when I walk around train station that I always get mindful because I remember that I was mindful last time, that is pretty cool indeed!

Negatives
I will try to solve somehow my procrastination. It was not so bad today but it simply annoys me a lot.

Positives
Great teeth routine. I feel proud of myself. Also nice mood throughout the day.

People and relationships

This is a thing I have been thinking about lately. When I planned to go here on the exchange year I really wanted to get to know new people and be more social. Now I am here and I did not find any friends after 1.5 months. I do not care. It is completely ok for me. I talk a lot with my host-brother who is kind of friend to me but that is all. I do not socialize much. It is also kind of hard for me. If I start to talk with some people I just feel like I would not make a good and deep friendship with them. It is just that I feel different. I think about things differently, think about different things and do not agree on most things people say. That is all ok. I just met some new people and I felt like the conversation was so shallow, I do not want to talk about Trump, I do not want to talk about how the school system is bad. All these things have been discussed 50 times over and over again and everybody just things the same thing anyway. So thats it. I am not really finding some new people here. If I really wanted to I would probably find somebody eventually, but.. others except me to find some friends here, I guess I will disappoint them, or maybe not who knows.

Dragallur
 

 

[JKG]

9 hours ago, Dragallur said:

People and relationships

This is a thing I have been thinking about lately. When I planned to go here on the exchange year I really wanted to get to know new people and be more social. Now I am here and I did not find any friends after 1.5 months. I do not care. It is completely ok for me. I talk a lot with my host-brother who is kind of friend to me but that is all. I do not socialize much. It is also kind of hard for me. If I start to talk with some people I just feel like I would not make a good and deep friendship with them. It is just that I feel different. I think about things differently, think about different things and do not agree on most things people say. That is all ok. I just met some new people and I felt like the conversation was so shallow, I do not want to talk about Trump, I do not want to talk about how the school system is bad. All these things have been discussed 50 times over and over again and everybody just things the same thing anyway. So thats it. I am not really finding some new people here. If I really wanted to I would probably find somebody eventually, but.. others except me to find some friends here, I guess I will disappoint them, or maybe not who knows.

I am feeling the same way. I have a group of a few "friends" in school, with which I have some classes and I can talk with them sometimes. But I know almost nothing about them and we just talk about non sense stuff. I have almost no similarities or interests with them in common. I have one best friend and this is the only person that I would really call a friend. We are very different but share a lot of interests and views on society and the world.

My parents think that I am an outsider in school. But I am okay with that. I don't care

[Dragallur]

Hi,
this is another self-inquiry.. lets see how it goes:

Who am I? The thought says that I am not body, thought, mind or anything I can come up with. Why? Because I can not be something like that simply because these things are not either true or they are not stable. Who am I then? Asking this question only awakes another thoughts. Who does not want these thoughts? A thought says that it does not want them. So I am not a thought? Nope. Aha..

To whom do these thoughts arise? Nobody. There is nobody to be found whom they arise to. Who says so? This is not backed up by evidence much. Those are only thoughts, no other "entity" was detected. Only thoughts, thats why. I can not even say if Self is stable since I do not know what it is like. I can not say anything, because I am not even saying anything. These thoughts just appear on the screen. "I" have seen that many times. Thoughts observing thoughts and trying to get out of bubble in which they are stucked forever. Which is usually only few seconds at most since then they disappear. I thought could disappear like this too. But too many things are seemingly connected with it. I do, I like, I play, I learn... stuff and thoughts.

This me is no different than anything else. Anything else also has consciousness. As Alan Watt says, if you knock stone it will answer with noise. To us, primitive type of consciouness but still. Arent humans just answering to things around? Why somebody calls this label, name, the body moves or speaks back. When it touches hot pane it will jerk and make a sound. Kind of predictable consciousness when you take it like this. Not very different from stone. Since there is nobody that would really identify with this body and if somebody exists, he is just everything... STOP

Too many assumptions and I am trying to outrun my progress towards something I have heard from others. Who did? A thought. Thought says I. That is ok. It is not true but it is ok. Lost in thoughts. Who is lost in thoughts? Am I? There is nobody to be lost in thoughts. There is also nobody to get enlightened. These are all false. Of course they are. It seems so true but yet, ultimately this is not the way. Who says so? It makes sense so just shut up.

Shuted up for some time, then helped cooking dinner. "I" thought all the time that it was "me" doing it. It is ok.

I was listening to hang drums at the start of the continued session. I got very sucked up by it. Am I sucked up by what is going here, in physical reality? But I can not step back to somewhere like with the music. It feels like that. Maybe the "I" is not supposed to because it even can not. Maybe it does not exist and it can not do anything.

Who am I? Am I asking this question? This question is being asked. To who is it addresed? Me, the thoughts? Which means not truly me. Thats why the question stops working. I have to search otherwise. When thought arises I ask to whom, and who is I.

What a plan when I even think I do not exist. I do not really think it. It is just a concept anyway, not of any value, it is not worth to cling to it, not that I could do anything about anything. About clinging. I have to let go of letting go but even that is impossible. Any action is impossible, that is the hard truth of determinism. Truth? So it is part of reality? I think so.

What the hell is this all. There is no I existing. It is only so developed consciousness that responds with thoughts to things happening around. This is based on the first self-inquiry insight I had couple of months ago, I thought it is useless at that time. Great.

Time. Ego thing. There is no a place for things that happened in reality. Deal with that. I or anyone else do not exist. Yet we cling to all of these things that are here, we hold our beliefs so preciously we feel threatened when somebody does not agree with them. Beliefs, thoughts, memories, these things sum up the thing that we call "reality".

Why do I write this? Is it even part of self-inquiry?

Ahhh.

I am still trying to get somewhere. But there is no road. No way I could actually do anything. Yet I am doing and hoping that the more hours I spent on this the sooner I will become enlightened. Isnt it perfect like this already? What do I need to change? I am looking for happiness, truth, end of suffering. There is nothing bad about these things but I think they are imperfect, which is ok. All is just fine, all is peaceful.

Dragallur

(I wrote this yesterday and I accidentaly closed the webpage but somehow it survived in cookies or something)

[Dragallur]

I decided to do all the worksheets, today I watched the video about culture.

When I was on seminar before I got to my host-family on my exchange year.. they talked about culture a lot and they tried to learn us some food "rituals" in Germany. I pointed out how stupid it is to do all of these things, it was kind of neurotic from me, anyway I was already very aware of culture and I already spend one year in USA so I might consider myself a bit multicultural already, here is the sheet:

A Rant Against Culture – Worksheet:

Instructions: Contemplate each question and write down your answers in as much length as the question demands. Write thoroughly. Be honest, accurate, and concrete.

 

Which cultural groups, or sub-cultures, do I identify with?

1. I identify with subculture of people on the self-actualization journey, more accurately those who wonder towards enlightenment.
2. I also identify with vegetarians which I guess is culture too.
3. Or rational people.
4. Part of European culture.

The benefits I get from identifying with these cultures are…

1. I can learn more from the culture when I am part of it.
2. It does not really matter much. If I would not be part of the cultures and did my own thing it would not change much, probably it would be better. I think that to certain extent rationality helpes in life a lot and I hold it as useful tool. I like European culture (to certain extent) and I think that it is cool that it is more liberal than lot of other.

How has my culture bullied me, or suppressed my authentic self?

1. I have to go into their educational system.
2. I have to cling into some direction of beliefs, I do not think that meditation is considered as the best way to integrate in Europe.
3. I have to wear certain clothing and people expect from me to do certain things like politeness to authority and so on.

What norms have I picked up from my culture that I take completely for granted?

1. Do not kill other people.
2. You "should" be fateful in relationship as long as it lasts. (I am ok with multi relationships but I think that it would be good to let all the partners know)
3. Cigaretts, drugs and so on are not good at all.
4. When you go to social event you need to be properly dressed. (I do not take it for granted but people around do, this is thing I would like to get rid of competely)
5. People should wear clothes when they go out. Partly even in house.

In what ways is my culture limited, closed-minded, or dysfunctional?

1. Rationalists often think that rationality is the end of the world. Vegetarians often think that they are superior to meat eaters. European culture is not enough opened to other cultures, has lot of dogma as mentioned above. In actualization you might waste your time on the culture and create actualization ego.
2. These cultures have lot of false dichotomies, shoulds, and generally think that they are superior to other cultures and opinions, general problem.

What values or ideals has my culture mechanically programmed into me?

1. You need to get job.
2. You need to get education.
3. You value people close to you more than others.
4. You love only your cult (family)
5. You need to be honorable.

What are all the ways in which cultures shapes my day-to-day lifestyle?

1. I eat this and this for breakfast.
2. I speak these and these things to people.
3. I greet others.
4. I am polite.
5. I am somehow respective to teachers in school.
6. I am trying to be on time.
7. I feel guilty for not following things that people/culture expect from me.

My culture believes that reality is the following ways…

1. Physical reality exists
2. I am the mind, body, name.
3. There is no place for mysticism in seriousness.
4. Anything at all exists.
5. Human lives have more value than any other lives.
6. Some things are bad and some are good.

In what ways does my culture shape science or knowledge?

1. My cultures influence science a lot and add new concepts into it. They basically rise new people to do it. My cultures go basically in one direction.

The cultures I like the most are…

1. Actualization.
2. Zen seems quite cool to me.
3. Some states like Bhutan seems cool too but I do not have knowledge about it.
4. Other open minded or seemingly open minded cultures.

The cultures I dislike the most are…

1. Religious cultures.
2. Deniers. (Denying  11th September, global warming, Moon landing, flat Earthers, creationists)
3. Non democratic cultures like China. (What I think about it is not so simple)
4. Extremists

How have my cultural influences shaped my identity and self-image?

1. As said few times, I strive for certain goals.
2. I try to match my image some ideals that my culture made.
3. I behave this and this way with people.
4. I still think that I am Dragallur (not my real name :D)
5. I think of myself as rational person.
6. I cling to certain believes and its rooted inside me that they are part of me. 

How many cultures besides my own have I directly experienced?

1. Big cultures only three. (The thing is that after some experience I know that it actually takes more time then one week on vacation to get to know culture)... USA culture for 1 year. German culture as of now for almost 2 months. Brazilian culture 1 month (that is weekest of them all)

How did my culture come into existence?

1. European culture is the culture of local people and I identify mostly with the stuff from 21st century, which means stuff that happened after end of USSR.
2. Vegetarians are here for quite a long time I guess but I am not so connected with this one so I do not know.
3. Rational people came out of philosophy where logic and rationality is needed. (As far as I know)

Who would I be and what would my life look like without my culture?

1. If I had no culture at all and did not create my own I would maybe be very open to things that other people do. Did not feel awkwardness for example. Did not care about what others think. Freedom.

 

Wow, this is quite interesting to do, really encourage you to try it

Dragallur

(I do not read the posts after myself before I publish them so there might be some things strange)