Physics, Meditation, Lucid Dreaming: The Path

[Mango1998]

On 16.5.2017 at 10:14 PM, Dragallur said:

I did not do anything in particular though I realised how many people greet me back when I run for example, not other teenagers though.

You know that you are not the average teenager They think, that you are strange because you are different but you know what, although the most people are normal, there are still enough strange people like you

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/17/2017 at 5:19 PM, Dragallur said:

I at all do not regret going there and maybe will next time too.

Great! New experiences, new feelings. It doesn't matter whether it is better or worse than what you already know; what matters is that you've tried something new; you were dynamic; you stepped out of the known. Yeap! Hooray! Yay! :]

[Dragallur]

241nd day:
Challenge (64 days)
I did not train so much in the last days because I was away over the weekend. I can almost touch with whole palms the floor.

Weekend
I was at a seminar with YFU which means other exchange students. It was great though I did not get my options for eating.. mostly bread. I socialized quite a lot though I always miss some point it seems when everybody is already talking in their groups and I am like alone standing there. In the end I talked quite a lot with some girls from China and Japan and later with guy from USA and a bit with another one from USA who also likes astrophysics. It was interesting, you can tell that some of the people are quite cool. There were lot of smokers too, that surprised me.

When I drove back home I saw in train a guy who was sitting cross-legged and had headphones. He ended the meditation and I just liked that decided to sit with him and we talked a bit. He was doing mindfulness and he studies applied ethics, cool. Sadly he did not know Leo whom I mentioned.

School
We are doing less and less. Tommorrow I am writing last test I think. Its from history which is hardest with German but I like that its only for 45 minutes. This week I have to read quite thicker book than usually so I will do that in the breaks.

Dragallur

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/23/2017 at 5:22 PM, Dragallur said:

everybody is already talking in their groups and I am like alone standing there.

Haha, I can totally relate to that

 

I like your initiative to talk with that meditation guy

[Dragallur]

247th day:
Stuff
Azrael from this forum has amazing posts, I really like his insights.

My exchange year is almost over. When I return back I will make a huge post on the forum about it. Also grades in school are mostly closed which makes me quite happy.

I have moments where I do not know what the hell am I doing here. Its weird but then next moments I am back in monkey mind and creating stories.

In the last days I have done a lot of math and physics. It was lot of fun and yesterday I noticed that new year of one contest is starting. If I am able to get 50% from all problems across the whole year I wont need to do any test for the University! I already finished first problem related to astrophysics and now I am working on a bit harder one about mechanics.

Its too late uhh..

Dragallur

[Gabriel Antonio]

Quote

I have moments where I do not know what the hell am I doing here.

HAhaha! Yes!

[Gabriel Antonio]

where are you?

[Dragallur]

@Gabriel Antonio Are you asking existential question or a normal one?

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Dragallur hahahahaha you're the best

[Dragallur]

253rd day:
Time is here
It is time to finally write here something right?

McKenna
I am reading the third book of Jed McKenna. It is great, I was considering to shorten my time on meditation, he kinds of rants against it. Right now I am doing mix of spiritual autolysis and self-inquiry. It is quite interesting, I have couple of pages of basically garbage, I found out that when you write with closed eyes you get much better connected with what you are writing.

Enlightenment vs Human Adulthood
In the books he mentions how he would not advice anybody enlightenment except those people that have to (which are usually highly depressed people ) and that he would advice human adulthood and that that is exactly what everybody actually wants, because so many people are looking for happiness, love and so on in enlightenment but you will find that in human adulthood. I have not encountered some rigorous definition yet but basically everybody is a child but you can wake up still in the dream and become an adult (enlightenment is waking up from the dream).

Sports
I have been hiking somewhat and riding a bike so that was nice though I should probably go out running again or something like that. I had my last lesson of yoga here and now I am on my own. I should push the challenge a bit better.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

261st day:
I do not know why I am writing the number of days since I started this journal but I wonder if it is going to be 365 in a year actually.

Music
After my last music experiment throughout the weeks I got pretty hooked up back again. Yesterday while doing spiritual autolysis I got the idea to listen to only 3 songs every day. Yesterday I did only one since it was evening and it was

Insomnium - At The Gates Of Sleep

Today I still have to choose the third one:

God Is An Astronaut - Vetus Memoria
Insomnium - Down With The Sun
...

It was funny how I knew immediately that I would listen to Insomnium though I was listening to some new interprets that day too, it was obvious that when I can listen to only one song it will be from Insomnium.

School
Here the grades are already closed by I started to learn today for my Czech school, right now I do not need to go so fast probably but when I return back I will have to go beast mode.

Anonymous
Just the other day I was writing autolysis about how much internet knows about me and today I made another step to be more anonymous. Right now my tweets are being deleted. I hope that it will make me unsearchable through Google images because I used to have on Twitter account my name. It is just a preventive thing. Sadly I can not change my posts here in the past anymore but that will not be much of a problem I think.

Video
Last Leo's video was one of the best ones he ever did I think. I was very happy that he did such a long breakdown of stage yellow. I am not actually sure how much I see myself in it but it does not matter so much where I place myself as if I understand what the stages are about.

Judging thoughts
I am judging my thoughts quite often and when I skyped with @JKG she helped me with that, now every time I do it I just have to laugh when I remember then conversation, it actually seems to be working.

Meditation
I am not very happy about my sitting position in meditation, sitting cross legged is extremely annoying because but leg starts to die off so often, right now I am testing other postures which makes me do like 2 sessions to get an hour.

Poem
During today's autolysis I just (intuition approved) started to write poem.

Loving

I am just sitting here
Writing this poem
I think I’m thinking clear
But am I really?

Notice the story
I dump it away
While feeling sorry
That I did not learn.

They speak of acceptance
Of loving yourself
But does it make sense?
Loving this beast?

 

Wow so muh epixnez, next lvl.

Dragallur

[Gabriel Antonio]

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

Video

I remembered about you trying to explain to that girl about spiral dynamics. I didn't have enough patience to watch the whole video. I feel it was a boring-ass video in my humble opinion.

 

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

I am judging my thoughts quite often

Judge them more!

 

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

They speak of acceptance
Of loving yourself
But does it make sense?
Loving this beast?

great point!!

We have to apply masculine compassion to our inner beast. Compassion ain't all just rainbows and butterflies; it can be a cruel thing. Scare off the inner demon!

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

I am not very happy about my sitting position in meditation

i always sit on a chair. if sitting cross-legged mattered, india would have only enlightened ppl.

 

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

Sadly I can not change my posts here in the past anymore but that will not be much of a problem I think.

you're lucky that you have some intelligence unlike me who shares the hell out of me to the internet.

 

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

I got the idea to listen to only 3 songs every day

i could tell you that that's self-torture and i could also say for you to relax. but no, i recommend you don't listen to any songs at all.

 

6 hours ago, Dragallur said:

Insomnium - At The Gates Of Sleep

goodness gracious, i thought this would be a soothing song for sleeping.

 

namaste

 

[Dragallur]

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

i always sit on a chair. if sitting cross-legged mattered, india would have only enlightened ppl.

I sit on chair the whole day, I find it extremely boring.

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

but no, i recommend you don't listen to any songs at all.

I already did that, I want to try something different and with 3 songs I can really be thinking about them, really hear the melodies and think about the text.

[Dragallur]

266th day:
Challenge
I did not do so much but I am getting a bit closer on the easier exercises. The side split is really next level, I will have to create a better habit of doing it.

Sending videos
I just wrote something to my sister and wanted to link some Leo's video. I started watching it (about 100% responsibility) but then realised that I simply can not send it (it was not about her responsibility but of other people's) because just how much it would be hard to understand without having any background knowledge about what Leo does and so on. I want to do that at one point, I just have to choose the right occasion and right video.

Senses
Just few days back in school I got so fucking deep, but at the same time nowhere, its like I just realized how much I do not know about it but got no answer, just a deep sense of wonder.

Magic
Yesterday (and today) I spent playing cards until almost 2:30 AM, that was quite fun, listening to music and such for a long time.

University
Today I went into University to listen to some presentations for people who want to study there. There was also room with stuff that is related to what they do and I actually had in hands Klein bottle! (purpose of life achieved, I can die happily now)

Dragallur

 

[Dragallur]

267th day:
Thoughts
Somehow I do not have problem with standing up late which I am doing right now.

Today I fell asleep during meditation, so dumb, otherwise though I have been cutting it after a move so that I stop any cheating. Then later I just napped for 90 minutes. Amazing, I had few dreams which were cool and I got to investigate a bit the state when you are falling asleep, that was really good.

I am going to Berlin in less than a week and then after four days I go directly to Czech Republic. That is quite short time considering that I was here the whole school year. I am almost packed, there are lot of books that I am bringing with me, that is quite cool, I like it.

I have changed a bit my listening to music habit, though I broke already what I said before.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

269th day:
Physics
So I moved myself by a substantial bit in the astrophysics textbook, that means roughly half a page right now. I have finally got through this double integration in the way, I have spent most of today's afternoon doing that shit. I have made a lot of very dumb mistakes that were slowing me down, it is not much of a surprise though because of these long divisions that I had to get through. I used the integration by substitution which was quite cool. I love writing integral symbol! I will probably get stuck quite soon again and I am not even getting towards the actual problems in the end of the chapter which will require some hardcore dedication. I loved it though.

School
Today was the last day in school. I even got a photo of my class from my classmates, that was nice, I wont probably see any of them EVER again which is kind of weird, also none of the teachers, nobody basically. Interesting I was telling myself exactly this when I was going back from USA. Now I have few free days and then I return back.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

273rd day:
Exchange year
I am just sitting here and this is my last night at my host family's house. I have been here for almost 10 months (because I arrived 3 weeks later than was originally planned, normally it is longer). It feels kind of weird, I do not think I can describe it exactly it is unique experience of doing actualization (etc.) and being 1 year away from all the people that you normally know.

Now the text continued much longer but I decided to not share it here publicly, sorry.

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

285th day:
Ahh...
Well I could say that I took a break from meditation though that would not quite describe it. I was doing informally self-inquiry though at least and I have been meditating some days. Today I did again 20 minutes or so. It seems like a nice experiment though it involved bunch of other shit which I need to take care of right now. I would not believe how long addictions can last even though you are not acting anymore on them, it is quite fuck up. I am ok though, I read two books in two days and there are only two left for my school that I need to finish. I also listened to Chronicles of Narnia in German which was very interesting. 

Just few days ago I had mindfulness fuck up. I just was so mindful and it was continuous for such a long time. I went cycling yesterday, nice change! I want to push to another level with self-inquiry, that is also fuck up btw. I really like how Leo changed the "levels" that we have under our names, it certainly makes sense! 

Oh well no more ideas.

Dragallur

Edited July 7, 2017 by Dragallur

[Dragallur]

Day: not gonna count them man!

So its been quite a while. Leo is not updating, not that I watched the two last video huh? 

I am almost done with the tests for my school and I am back in school again. Interesting things happening, for example something changed in the way I perceive other human beings and also my thoughts. 

I had problem with computer games I can not ever be sure again that I solved it or not which is quite funny considering how confident I was before. I am learning how to use LaTeX which is pretty cool and advanced version of Word (and there is whole meme page dedicated to it). 

I still listen to metal, I guess I like it even more than before. I am still taking cold showers and I guess I am vegan now. I have problems with meditation though. 

Dragallur

[Dragallur]

One year later, 1st day:

It has been one year since I last wrote here. My last posts are about me leaving Germany and exchange year behind...

What changed and what did not?

I still play computer games, I do not meditate nor watch Leo's videos, I still love physics and still listen to melodic death metal. Nothing really substantial changed in two years I guess?
For a long time I have been having problems with social anxiety, more accurately I thought I was not being social, that has been basically the main problem for the past year that I have been dealing with. It is quite interesting how things just take a long time, sometimes the problem simply appears again. It is kind of hard to know if the problem is solved or not.

Even though some things did not change I still did some interesting things, I was in CERN for two weeks, in Germany again (with my sister), I was two weeks on astronomical summer camp, I was on some physics learning weeks (don't know the exact word for it in english). Now I am going to dancing classes every Monday.

I also have experience with some substances... but lets leave that our for now.

Since I am writing on this forum, lets return back to Leo. I have not watched his videos for a while now because I feel like not only that it is procrastination but I also don't get anything by watching it. He speaks about stuff I could hardly believe and even if they at some point come out as true, then the video won't be new information, it will be just good to sort thoughts.

I really started to dislike some things about the way that spirituality is done here. I bet the way that people here are dedicated to this work, they could start to believe anything really and I fear I would be inside this confirmation bias bubble too. Now I do my work when I want, not regularly. Of course I am as much susceptible (?) to confirmation as before, for example because of science and that I really like determinism and the simple non-existence of consciousness..

Consider the following: consciousness is just an illusion. Why? Well thoughts make up this consciousness and you only notice something with a thought arising. That is basically all there is nothing else special about it. Of course your identity is completely made up in the sense that it exists but not only does it not matter, there is not "you" there, it is just thoughts after thoughts.

I noticed something very interesting when I start to fall asleep. Thoughts just start to appear without any order. The weird thing is that they can be easily in different voice than my own. I wonder if it could be used to lucid dream. Btw. I sometimes have a lucid dream but otherwise I am not trying anything consciously.

This year I will graduate, it is my last year in "high school". After that I will go to university to study physics and math. I just have to pass that tests in April and do a "year-work" in physics, my topic is improving GPS accuracy with little money.

For now this is all maybe I will write something tomorrow.

Dragallur