Adolescent awakening experience.

[captaind]

50 y.o. now.  In grade 4, my math teacher introduced the concept of "infinity" to the class.  (Interestingly, she had also introduced us to haiku poetry and yin yang taoist symbology at some point in that school year). I recall being blown away about infinity and spending a long time contemplating the nature of infinity after school that day.  This uninterrupted contemplation went on late into the night.  I had my first awakening experience that night which lead to a crossroads for me. That first time I contemplated infinity was the deepest I have ever gone into this work before or since, and I was only ten y.o. I literally followed existence were it lead me into the micro, into what I now call with closest proximity to how it felt; undefinable singularity...then I followed it out to the macro...to the red shifting edge where I followed it back down to the micro and hit many levels of existence all the way up which strange-looped into all the way down across time and space. I reached a point were I was completely terrified, because I knew that if I followed my next thought I would enter pure madness. In that last moment, I managed to consciously "rewind and erase" the final few thoughts leading up to the edge of madness.  I realized that if I had continued, I would have ceased being me.  I was so shaken and terrified that I vowed to myself that I would never contemplate infinity again.  Then 35 years later I find myself drawn to spiritual work...and discover Actualized.org in this endeavor. I have found that many of the books I have read appear on Leo's list, but still many others off of it. I completed the L.P.C. and have watched all,of Leo's videos, some several times each.  I have several conceptual and non-conceptual accesses to reality. I have a sufficient enough command of the english language that I can say confidently that it is true that this language is too blunt an instrument to represent this work...but it is all I have in this particular domain to communicate with, so here I am.  I am comfortable with my access to many domains, such as; quantum physics, relativity, cosmology, jungian psychology, non duality, taoism, buddhism, christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, several domains of the sciences and mathematics and how they are entangled with language, the invention of time and mechanics of belief. I've accessed altered levels of consciousness with five peyote journeys too. ( I recognize these appear to some of you as appeals to authority, so please settle down, it's only for contextualization purposes)...what I've been leading up to here is this:  I can't find my way back to that point I reached at 10 y.o. when I was completely unprepared for what happened when I contemplated infinity, and I got spooked and "rewind-erased" those final moments of contemplation and fire- walled myself from accessing that awakening directly again.  I feel better prepared now at age 50, and would like to return to that point.  Are there any suggestions? 

Captaindoor4.

[snowyowl]

13 hours ago, captaind said:

I can't find my way back to that point I reached at 10 y.o. when I was completely unprepared for what happened when I contemplated infinity, and I got spooked and "rewind-erased" those final moments of contemplation and fire- walled myself from accessing that awakening directly again.  I feel better prepared now at age 50, and would like to return to that point.  Are there any suggestions? 

Hi and welcome to the forum! Let's see if I get this. You had a glimpse of infinity at 10, then spent  35 years living a regular life, followed by 5 years of spiritual research. Well, that's pretty awesome, but you don't mention if you have a practice apart from your peyote trips. You seem to know a lot of theory, and has any spiritual path and practice appealed to you to commit yourself to daily practice? 

[James123]

15 hours ago, captaind said:

  I feel better prepared now at age 50, and would like to return to that point.  Are there any suggestions? 

If you have enough knowledge use them to willingly surrender and completely let go via meditation.  Dont try to return that point as an “I”. Because, the force, reaching and expectations comes from ego. Only way to reaching that point comes from dropping and surrendering  the “ I”. If you need recommendation, start to meditate (in silence and darkness) at least 1 hour everyday. Do not miss a day. And every month increase time of the meditation, if you meditate at least 2-3 hours a day. 

[Nahm]

@captaind

(Also) Directly inspect the belief there is a separate you / that you are separate. Use the full extent of the intellect. 

[Breakingthewall]

5 meo dmt is that you are looking for. It's the door to the infinity, over all if you already had that experience. 

[captaind]

@snowyowl Yeah that's the broad strokes of the chronology.  I feel that the meditation practices I developed and then gradually faded from are the alleys I have not gone fully down.  Contemplation has lead me pretty far, and I tend to engage in what Leo coined as mental mast... only once in a while.  I have to cultivate a daily practice.  I knew this for some time, but I needed an impetus.  Thanks for responding to my post.

[captaind]

@James123 thank you.  That seems to be the common advice. I will cultivate a daily practice.  My life so far is analogous to gathering all the pieces of the puzzle, but now I need to put in the clock time and let go the wheel into regular meditation.

[captaind]

@Nahm sound advice.  Thank you. The "I" that writes this is just the blunt tool I have to work with, to ping back these helpful replies.

[captaind]

@Breakingthewall 5meo dmt would do what you say, no doubt.  It is now just a case of "you don't know what you don't know". And I don't know how to get my hands on any or even where to begin looking.

[Breakingthewall]

You don't know what you don't know but a seeker must be a seeker ?