Anxiety when coming home

[Miguel Oliveira]

Hello!

 

Last week something happened that never did happened before.

I was at home in the computer and suddenly I had a pressure/tightness on the chest, breath was getting difficult to take and it seemed that I was fainting. I came outside, relax a little and went inside again. The same thing happened, after some time I went to sleep.

On the next day I had a chat with my girlfriend regarding this situation and she told me that I needed to take a walk because I'm at home all day (I'm doing working from home on the computer). I did that, it helped but when I came back to home it all started again. Later on that night I had tremors and was very cold. 

The next day I went the hospital where they took my blood, did an x ray and took the Covid test. All was negative.

Since then I keep having the pressure/tightness on the chest, also some tightness on the throat and when I have automatic negative thoughts/emotions I have strong sensations on the upper belly.

 

I'm 24 now, but since 12 years old that I had obssessive compulsive thoughts and behaviours that lead to depression when I was 18. I was medicated, did a lot of therapies and after some hypnosis therapy I felt a little more free. After that I never was the same boy that I was younger. The mind is always talking and talking, a lot of internal vows that I made when I was depressed now are the emotions that come up in every situation in my life. A lot of not being good enough emotions and thoughts are with me in every situation, a lot of problems regarding romantic relationships (the major traumas back in the days were related to this, that lead for me to rationalize and promise to myself that I would never hurt any women). Mostly are automatic thougths and feelings that come from nowhere, that even If I'm aware of them I cannot seperate myself from them because it seems like they are me, it's difficult.

 

Now I'm at my parents house, on a rural land with a lot of nature I had time to think about all this. All the emotions that I keep pushing down, all the times that I sense that I can't connect with anyone, that people don't like me and see my differently, that I can't do personal development stuff and even being a free man due to being in a relationshipt (this is related with all the negative energy that year after year I put regarding romantic relationships), all of this things happening on a daily basis mixing with Covid (need to be at home) maybe started to bubble up and cause this physical problems.

 

A funny thing happened. I needed to go to my apartment to grab some stuff and until getting there I was feeling good,  but as soon as I entered the door, the pressure/tightness started to appear just when I enter the house. It seems that I created a negative meaning regarding that house. The house is very small, everything is on the same place, the kitchen, the bed. 

My day to day is working at home and at night I join my friends online and we play some games. This day after day since June. Sometimes I go out to buy groceries.

 

When thinking about this it seems that was the lifestyle and the mind/emotions that I keep getting 24/7 that are causing this.

 

If you were in my situation what would you do to change the negative meaning that I unconsciously gave to the house? Maybe thinking about it and trying to change from the negative to positive with positive affirmations and feelings?

 

Note that when I had that feelings I breath from the stomach, do long breaths and try to connect to sounds and feelings instead of the tightness, but is very difficult because is too strong.

 

Sorry for the english and thanks for reading!!

Stay well guys and girls.

[Nahm]

What’s not resonating (imo) is the narrative... ‘automatic negative thoughts & emotions’, the ‘mind/emotions that I keep getting 24/7 are causing this’. I don’t doubt one bit that this is how you are experiencing, but the more this is inspected and the more that thoughts which don’t resonate are let go, the more you realize you’re in control, creating the experience of suffering. If thoughts which don’t resonate have been repeatedly focused on for a long time, it would seem as if the emotion is caused by the house, or some other ‘outside’ source. When you are heading back to the house, have a piece of paper and pen at the ready, choose to be willing, and notice the thoughts that arise which do not feel good, and write them on the paper so you can see. When you spot the ‘negative meaning given to the house’, it won’t be related to the house, but to you...which it isn’t resonating with. 

[Miguel Oliveira]

Hi @Nahm,

Nice to talk with you again.

 

At the moment I have an Evernote Workbook were I'm writing the most common thoughts/emotions that arise in me. I'm writing them down and them questioning the "trueness" of them. As soon as I catch one of them I internally notice, say "Here it comes the pattern ....." and try to focus on sounds, sights, breath (which for me is complicated because when I try to focus on the breath is like my mind creates the motion of the breath, it's like the one that is breathing is the mind, and it's not enjoable, can't be present), etc.

It's amazing how we keep forgeting that isn't the outside world that has the "negative" things but it is our reaction and interpretation that change how we feel.

 

On this particular case is so difficult because it's the like the feeling takes all over me. It's so difficult to separate from it.

I remember some of the thoughts:

"Here I go to this prison, it's so small"

"Here I go this house alone, just have the PC where I can comunicate with friends"

"I don't have any friends to interact, I'm so lonely"

"I don't have purpose in life, no purpose. I just work, eat and play games. That will be my life, it's so sad".

Related to my current relationship : "I'm with this girl, I want to connect with people, want to have a better shape, want to go to music festivals, want to when I get old look back and say that I've enjoyed life".

Related to the relationship this is me most tricky and where I have the most traumas. Because when I was young a girl manipulated me in such a manner, and I being raised on a catholic environment, that I promised (and kept telling myself this for years) that when I have a girl I cannot talk to anyone else, cannot hurt her and this brings so much negativity. However as the years went by I tried to just get casual things with girls but even there this patterns showed up.

I've concluded that the wanting to have sex with a lot of girls is just a way to go around those feelings. The girl that I'm with now on the past I liked her personality but I was on the "it needs to be casual, I need to have a lot of sex with prettier and diferent girls" and I let her go. Always had a crush for her. Now she broke up with her ex and immediatly talked with me. I was more mature and after realizing that I was always try to not get into a serious relationship due to the traumas, I told her all about the traumas and that this relationship will be me trying to confront those negative beliefs around a relationship. This has been so draining but in the end I like her, why not enjoying what I have now? I'm not forcing to like her because I know I do but is difficult.

Maybe the burden on the relatioship could also affect me.

 

Thanks!!

 

 

[Nahm]

For each of these, feel your way to a thought that feels good to you, and write that thought....

8 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

"Here I go to this prison, it's so small"

 

 

8 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

"Here I go this house alone, just have the PC where I can comunicate with friends"

 

 

8 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

"I don't have any friends to interact, I'm so lonely"

 

 

8 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

"I don't have purpose in life, no purpose.

 

 

8 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

I just work, eat and play games. That will be my life, it's so sad".

 

[Miguel Oliveira]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

"Here I go to this prison, it's so small"

"Here I go to this cozy place, I've everything that I need"

 

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

"Here I go this house alone, just have the PC where I can comunicate with friends"

"I have friends that I can comunicate with. Alone I can grow, I can stop, I can relax"

 

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

"I don't have any friends to interact, I'm so lonely"

On this it's very tricky. Because I want to say that I want to connect with people but the pattern/belief/vow that as I'm now with a girl I cannot connect with anyone because I can turn to be interested in another girl and will hurt this one. Fear on this one.

 

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

"I don't have purpose in life, no purpose.

On this one I just work on a computer company. I wanted to travel, to meet people but again the pattern above described is somewhat blocking me.

"The purpose is to release this wounds, be still, aware, move with the flow

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

I just work, eat and play games. That will be my life, it's so sad".

"I can go to the gym. I can see my thoughts and emotions. I can feel joy"

 

Very interesting exercise @Nahm. One thing that usually happens is I start to get interested in discovering myself but after some time I will get back to the lazy, negative, sad self.

Thanks!!

[Nahm]

24 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

"I don't have any friends to interact, I'm so lonely"

I'm now with a girl I cannot connect with anyone because I can turn to be interested in another girl and will hurt this one. Fear on this one.

? 

If you want to have a monogamous relationship you can. If you want to be single and date you can.  Take time to reflect on how you feel about her, and about what you really want. Express what you want openly so there is minimum room for confusion and her getting hurt down the road. 

28 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

On this one I just work on a computer company. I wanted to travel, to meet people but again the pattern above described is somewhat blocking me.

Expressing is like letting go, letting blockage out. It is then much easier & very natural to focus on what you want to create & experience, and to feel the excitement of creating. Make a Dreamboard. It really shines here. What you want comes into focus easily. It also helps along letting thoughts which don’t feel good go. 

49 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

after some time I will get back to the lazy, negative, sad self.

We experience the story we tell. How do you want the story to go? 

 

[Miguel Oliveira]

On 19/12/2020 at 8:17 PM, Nahm said:

If you want to have a monogamous relationship you can. If you want to be single and date you can.  Take time to reflect on how you feel about her, and about what you really want. Express what you want openly so there is minimum room for confusion and her getting hurt down the road. 

This girl always had an impact in me. I like her personality, it attracts me. Me not having a monogamous relationship is directly related to the strong traumas regarding those types of relationships. My relationship with her, and she already nows about my traumas regarding this, is an opportunity of growth for both. I need to feel these traumas unless I will never have this type of relationship as a result of escapism.

Is more difficult than normal because I've so much blocking thoughts and emotions, negative also regarding this that I need to put more willpower down the line. This drains a little. However, it is the pain that I need to go through because in the end I feel that I like her.

On 19/12/2020 at 8:17 PM, Nahm said:

We experience the story we tell. How do you want the story to go? 

Regarding this, I know that the more prevalent thoughts is the ones that will shape my life. If they are negative my life will not be the way that I want.

How do you suggest for me to change the story? Writing some sentences and each day repeating them?

 

About the letting go part, do you have any type of post that describes this method?

 

Thanks @Nahm!

[Nahm]

16 hours ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

About the letting go part, do you have any type of post that describes this method?

 ? ?? 

 

[Miguel Oliveira]

Thanks @Nahm

It will be a good read eheh

 

This week I'm having many glimpses of depression.

However I'm having some changes in the way I see things. These being not the outside world (people, places) that are negative but my relationship and the way I feel regarding that the is negative, it's all internal, so my responsibility.