My ex keeps hanging out with my best-friend....

[Thittato]

... and I feel very ambivalent about this. What to do?

Me and my ex had a very clear promise to each other that we were going to remain friends after we broke up, and we remained close friends for half a year after we broke up, but as soon as she found a new boyfriend, she distanced herself from me. But then she started to develop a close friendship with my bestfriend. I don't feel ok with this at all. He was introduced to her through me.

It seems pretty strange to ditch the friendship she had with me, and then instead go ahead and develop a close friendship with my bestfriend.

Even though it is 7-8 years since we broke up, and I really don't want her back because it totally didn't work out, I still feel angry at her for ditching our friendship. We hang out on the same scene, and occasionally bump into each other. I've tried to strike up a friendly conversation with her many times asking her what is up and stuff like that, but she always turns very awkward and shuts the conversation down immediately. She finds it very hard to just say hello in a friendly way. I had almost forgotten that she could actually smile, except that I'm reminded of that when I meet her when I hang out with my friend and her face turns into a huge smile when she sees him.

It feels very unloyal of my friend to develop this friendship with her, and I feel that she is very disrespectful towards me when she cannot stay away from my inner circle when she ditced the friendship she had with me.

I wish I was cool with this, but I'm not.

Is it normal to feel this way? What can I do?

Edited December 17, 2020 by Thittato

[Recursoinominado]

Dude, you are being needy.

Forget your ex, go make some new friends, let that shit go, stop trying to hold your past still.

And about your friend, i see no problem with their friendship, you are just pissed you are not included.

Of course, she won't talk to you while in a committed relationship, most guys won't like if their GF is still talking to her ex. 

She won't risk her relationship for you, just accept that you are not that important to her anymore.

Move on.

[Roy]

25 minutes ago, Thittato said:

Even though it is 7-8 years since we broke up

That tells you what you need to know. You have not fully moved past this if these feelings are coming up after that long.

[Preety_India]

She is playing games. Women games. 

Drop her from your friends circle. 

She is no good friend if she is looking to seek vendetta or using subtle mind games 

 

Unhealthy for you. Let her go and tell her " girl bye". 

 

[RendHeaven]

19 minutes ago, Thittato said:

She finds it very hard to just say hello in a friendly way. I had almost forgotten that she could actually smile, except that I'm reminded of that when I meet her when I hang out with my friend and her face turns into a huge smile when she sees him.

Lol classic case of seeking external validation thru her.

Even though you don't want her romantically anymore, you expect - for some reason - for her to confirm and approve of your existence.

You feel like she owes you something because you can't bear the thought that you're a side-character. You've tricked yourself into really believing that her of all people should see you as a main character. After all, you shared so much together, and you sacrificed so much for her - doesn't she OWE you some sort of respect or acknowledgement?

The reality of course, is that she doesn't owe you anything.

All of this is between you and yourself, my man. It has nothing to do with her or your mutual friend.

You must focus on manifesting your dream life, starting with you. This means looking inward.

Get really, really serious about self-love, self-acceptance, and self-approval.

The outer world is a reflection of your inner world, as they say.

If you build yourself up to be someone who is overflowing with self-love, the people around you will intuitively catch that vibe and give you all of the approval you'll ever need. But you can't "put the cart before the horse" (because you need the horse in front to pull the cart!) and similarly you can't focus first on the outer world without addressing the inner world (because you need the inner world to "pull" the outer world!)

You know, what I'm writing here is pretty funny because I'm sure you already understand everything I'm saying here. I'm not really saying anything special. I'm just adding fuel to the fire that's already within you.

Learn to treat her like she's dead. Because she is. Don't tell me that your life plan going forward is to continue to leech self-worth from her. 

She's fucking dead, it's been 8 years. She is no different than any of the thousands of other faceless people you see when you walk down the street.

Get new friends, meet new girls, expand your boundaries, and never settle

[bejapuskas]

@Thittato  You have no control over her. Also consider that she might be trying to avoid your best friend getting jealous by hanging out with you. This is most likely much more important to her than the thing with you being jealous or whatever, she does not give a damn. 

[hoodrow trillson]

I've been on the other side of your situation OP.  I was the best friend hanging out with my best friend's ex.  I wanted to bang her so bad and that was basically our reason for hanging out--the exciting slow back and fourth of it being a naughty taboo thing to be doing and also being chill with each other since our personalities were similar.  We were just flirting while being friends and maybe if we felt ballsy enough we'd end up fucking.

Ultimately, we didn't do it out of respect to my best friend--the weight of guilt that started looming over me slowly, was far too much--that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to look him directly in his eyes if I did it and tried to keep it a secret.

It's a classic situation that happens very commonly actually.  it's not really a "love triangle" but more of a "hmmm we totally want to bang but I have loyalty to someone" problem.  It is very scummy and I felt dirty about it.

 

[hoodrow trillson]

oooooooo

Edited December 19, 2020 by hoodrow trillson

[Value]

I feel you man, a frustrating position to be in indeed. Are you currently dating someone else? If not, that could be a priority in order to fully let her go. As for your best friend, have you two talked about it? Are the three of you part of some bigger social circle or could you try and find a new better friend somehow?

 

[Arcangelo]

You don't have a best friend.

 

[Thittato]

Well. She has been in two long-term relationships since we broke up, and I usually don't think much about her, but she is newly singel again, and she has re-connected with my best-friend. Apparantly she wasn't allowed to hang out with him with the guy she recently was in a relationship with because he was jealous at him, so I didn't hear much about her in this period, but now they have started to hang out again and it really triggers something in me. My best-friend has expressed attraction towards her to me a lot of times, so I know that he is keen on her, but he is in a longterm relationship himself, but because they are separated by the pandemic their relationship recently turned into an open relationship, but he is not too keen to act on it because he is madly in love with his girlfriend, but still he enjoys somewhat of a flirty energy or something with my ex.  It makes me want to distance myself from my bestfriend. It doesn't feel like our connection is open, pure and something that I trust when suddenly she is re-connected with him again. I really don't like that she enters into my life in this in-direct way again. It feels like my life has moved on long time ago and I would have been fine if she was a stranger to me, but something about this dynamic really triggers me. Not sure what else to say about it. This is just how it feels. Perfect scenario would have been that she was just totally out of my life.

So either I have to:

1. Tell my bestfriend that I cannot accept that they hang out with each other.

2. Distance myself from my bestfriend since I don't want to be plugged into these conflicting emotions that I get plugged into through him.

3. Do some emotional processing / purging to clear out whatever is trigged in me because of this. Maybe it could be ok if I grew out of whatever this triggers in me. I used to be into tantra before, and one of my tantra-teachers told me he once had someone have sex with his girlfriend when he was observing just so that he could work on his jealousy. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to work on my jealousy or whatever it is that is triggered in me?

[Arcangelo]

If I was you I would be DEEPLY hurt and offended by your ''best friend''

The only way I could forgive him would be if the girl was a gorgeous perfect 10. Then I would be like: -''Who am I kidding I would have done the same thing.''

Dude WAKE UP!

How can you still consider him your best friend. He is not even your friend.

Sounds to me like you are in denial. Look I know it sucks to lose a friend like that. But he is not your friend anymore. There are literally billions of women out there, why he's gotta be fucking around with YOUR Ex?

You know why? Because he doesn't give a shit about your friendship that's why.

Your best friend betrayed you that's what's up. Wake up and smell the coffee.d

As I said:

6 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

You don't have a best friend.

 

 

 

Arc

 

[Moon]

Kinda agree with @Arcangelo

18 hours ago, Thittato said:

So either I have to:

1. Tell my bestfriend that I cannot accept that they hang out with each other.

2. Distance myself from my bestfriend since I don't want to be plugged into these conflicting emotions that I get plugged into through him.

3. Do some emotional processing / purging to clear out whatever is trigged in me because of this. Maybe it could be ok if I grew out of whatever this triggers in me. I used to be into tantra before, and one of my tantra-teachers told me he once had someone have sex with his girlfriend when he was observing just so that he could work on his jealousy. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to work on my jealousy or whatever it is that is triggered in me?

I'd say go with 1 and be open and honest with him unless you want to change the boundaries you have with close friends- then go with 3. 

 

 

 

[flowboy]

On 17-12-2020 at 2:51 AM, Thittato said:

It feels very unloyal of my friend to develop this friendship with her, and I feel that she is very disrespectful towards me when she cannot stay away from my inner circle when she ditced the friendship she had with me.

This is weird.

I don't believe friends are supposed to not have contact with people you break up with, but if they want to, they should do it in a way that it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

I can't think of an example with an ex girlfriend, but I do have an ex-friend. Me, J and B were friends. Me and B had a severe falling out and hated each other for years. During that time, J kept hanging out with me and B separately, and did me the courtesy of not mentioning him to me at all. And of course, never inviting us to the same thing, and making sure to spend time and attention on each.

Basically, for my happiness, it was important to pretend that B did not exist anymore, and J as a respectful friend completely supported that, without me even having to ask for it. I still appreciate that very much.

 

@Thittato Why have you and this best friend, as you say, not discussed this? I thought real friends talked about things.

[Origins]

The end point is a universal relationship with everyone. Just to give you a glimmer. The universe is an unfoldment on top of an ephemeral sunbeam.