Stream Of Consciousness Contemplation

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to try and track my contemplations. 

It's kind of a mixture of meditating and contemplating the experience.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Okay, what can i do right now that could lead me to heaven. 

I think the key is accepting what's happening fully without resistance... whatever comes up you fully accept it and love it. 

Being aware of being aware. EGO=ME. When people talking about being egotistical they are talking about being all about me... excessive worry about oneself. 

Okay bring myself back to the moment. Being aware of being aware. Witness of thoughts. You don't have to believe every thought, thoughts will come and go but you don't have to respond to them. Writing meditation may be the best thing for me right now. This is pretty interesting. The way i'm typing hurts haha, it's too rigid and tense. 

Come back to the moment. Right now I feel in control. But i feel so out of control as well. I want so many things but i don't have faith in my ability to get what I want. It's as simple as not knowing how to get what i want. Or not knowing the right things to want. 

I have control, but I also don't have control. 

Okay i find myself getting distracted by thoughts and I have moments of being but i feel resistance and tension. 

i'm pretty sure that if I could stick with the tension and remain in a state of being that eventually the tension would resolve and i'd feel better... but right now I keep reacting to thoughts and feelings and stop pure being.

I think that's the problem. I react to thoughts and feelings, and that causes tension. But what if i reacted to positive thoughts and feelings, is that the goal or is the goal to not react to any thoughts and feelings. 

React to thoughts- feel bad- engage in compulsive and addictive behaviors to avoid feeling bad- become aware-

Now what do i do when I become aware. This is what I struggle with. I could go from where I am right now, to heaven, from a single moment of being aware. 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to practice this for the next hour. Let's see how this goes.

[Raptorsin7]

What is wrong right now?

I don't like the way I feel. 

What's wrong with how I feel? 

I'm not sure what's wrong with how I feel. I just know this feeling is not right, something feels not right.

What feel's not right, where is the not right feeling located?

I don't know what is wrong with this feeling, but there is something not right. I'm not happy.

There is feeling, and I believe the way forward is go to deeper into the feeling. But i'm stuck.

I'm aware of the feeling.

Who is aware of the feeling?

I am.

What is the experience or feeling of I am.

Something happens during these meditations of surrender. Something is off. 

I am either trying too hard to surrender... or i'm reacting to thoughts and feeling which blocks the surrender... or i'm focused on the wrong sensation.

It feels like I can connect to the sensation in my head, and I can breathe into it gently and I can feel into it gently but something is blocking the full release.

How can i go into this feeling of I am. 

I still feel like something's wrong. There's something not right about how I feel. 

I don't know what's wrong, but there's a felt blockage in my head that I am unable to let go of. 

I'm going to laydown and focus on this blockage, and remain as calm as possible and non-reactive to the felt blockage.

I am going to go into the feeling as deeply as possible without resistance and judgement.

@Nahm is this the right idea of contemplation of what's wrong?

Edited December 16, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7

Yes but keep going...

29 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I am going to go into the feeling as deeply as possible without resistance and judgement

What is the feeling something is wrong.....without resistance or judgement. 

‘Wrong’ is resistance & judgement. 

Where is the feeling in the body.

What is the feeling...describe it....burning....tingling...aching....etc. 

 

[Nahm]

Also....use feeling of discord, or feeling of alignment. 

‘Play’ with different thoughts...and feel the discord or alignment. 

If a judgmental thought arises, like ‘something is wrong with me’...and feel the discord or alignment. Inner being going along, or not ‘going along’ with the thought. 

Then bring the opposite thought to mind, like ‘I am fine as I am’... and feel the discord or alignment. Inner being going along, or not ‘going along’ with the thought. 

[Raptorsin7]

What Am I feeling?

I feel a pressure/sensation/tension in between the eyes and in the foreheadro

Why Do i feel this pressure in my head?

I don't know what to do with myself to resolve the tension.

When i try to do nothing and just witness I get restless and get involved in some fashion. 

Let's try and do nothing and surrender to whatever feeling is present. Sink into the feeling.

I don't understand what's happening with feeling. 

What is feeling?

What is the tension?

Where is the tension in the coming from, what is the cause?

I don't think i'm getting anywhere just sitting with the tension/feeling. 

Let's see how thoughts affect the tension and sensations.

I'm going to laydown and rather than do nothing and sit with the tension, i'm going to adjust my thinking and perspectives to see how they impact the tension.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Maybe ? 

Feeling the Presence of the Diamond Guidance

Usually the Diamond Guidance operates as a presence in the center of the forehead. When it arises in support of discrimination and understanding, we become aware of an expansion as space opens up in the forehead. With that expansion comes a sense of peacefulness; the Black aspect at the center of the forehead opens and we feel stillness and spaciousness. When the Diamond Guidance arises in this peacefulness, we feel a delicate presence, a pulsating energy that possesses a sense of clarity and transparency, an intelligence, an illumination. This delicate, pulsing, breathing presence appears as understanding, as insight, as intuition. As the forehead opens, we feel the Diamond Guidance as a tingling, an energetic throbbing – but very soft, very delicate, very subtle. If we are not attuned, we might dismiss it as just a physical twitch. Or if there is a lot of blockage, as is often the case in the early stages of the development, the diamond might feel hard. Due to the blockage it can’t get through, so it feels almost like a rock. But if we are relaxed and open, we feel it as a softness, a delicacy.

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/diamond-guidance

[Raptorsin7]

I think i got just fucking .

You are the essential part of your experience, the awareness. If you become aware right now that there is an experience, recognize you are the part of this entire experience that is aware or knows its having an experience.

Think about it, it's kinda fucking weird that there's an experience right? Who said there has to be experience, something happening? It's already a fucking miracle. So wake up, realize that this experience just as it is.... is a fucking miracle. You are aware of experience, look there's an experience. You are aware of the experience.

Tune into the fact that YOU are aware of this experience. That part that knows it's aware of experience. That's you.

I think rupert spira is the goat of all non-duality teachers i've seen so far. His teaching is so direct.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Raptorsin7