What kind of girls does one attract?

[Norbert Somogyi]

Hey guys!

I have been pondering on this question for a while and I'd like to see your input on it. Does one attract girls who are at a similar level of development, lower or usually higher? Does one attract girls of similar character or not?

You see, I've had 2 "relationships" this year with girls who were a couple years my senior but dealing with self-esteem issues and some kind of childhood or other trauma. Both of the times I was trying to get them up, help them be more confident in their skin and be more open and social (which was quite successful, though), however things always happened one way or another which made me realize it's not exactly mutual and made me give up on them. They either don't or can't put the same amount of energy into the relationship and I was always the one who ended up being drained in the process. This was one of the reasons these ended.

Now there is another coworker who is slowly getting attracted to me (however finally she is around my age) and as I was getting to know her I realized she is dealing with trauma and kind of broken as well. I am not sure about her yet, however my next question is what can I do to attract the kinds of girls who could help me on my path and it's not only me doing the hard work for seemingly nothing? Should I abstain from dating a bit and work on myself and let things flow?

[Username]

I think the main factor is personality type (MBTI, Enneagram). Opposite attracts but it's less stable. I think long term extrovert-extrovert and introvert-introvert pairings are better due to similar energy levels.

People usually attract same SD level as theirs. Second person tier can relate to each from the first tier. Regarding age.. I thinks it highly depends on looks. I noticed that typically females that are attracted to me are younger than me. On average ~10 years younger.

[meow_meow]

44 minutes ago, Norbert Somogyi said:

 coworker - she is dealing with trauma and kind of broken as well. I am not sure about her yet,

Don't! Either be a devil and use her vulnerability to smash & leave or just don't do anything, don't 'save' women.

IMO most women are survavalists/materialistic so you can easily attract women with higher levels of consciousness than you do, if you have the package that they're looking for,

Edited December 14, 2020 by meow_meow

[Gesundheit]

Why don't you just talk to the girl whenever she crossses your boundaries? You don't have to put up with anything you don't like or want. You just be yourself, and let her be herself, and make sure you communicate with her all the time. I'm getting the feeling that you are not being honest with yourself, and as a result, you're not being honest with others. It takes courage to communicate your thoughts and desires, but it's also worth it. You can't have a successful relationship without good communication. If you master communication, levels of development will be a non-issue. So, I think you should talk to the co-worker girl that you like, and let things flow. If it works, great. If problems arise, communicate. If they don't get solved, break up and look for someone else who is willing to communicate effectively.

[arlin]

2 hours ago, meow_meow said:

if you have the package that they're looking for,

What are those qualities and where can you find higher consciousness girls those days? 

[howtoyellow]

higher consciousness girls is just a fancy name for fairies

[meow_meow]

1 hour ago, arlin said:

What are those qualities and where can you find higher consciousness girls those days? 

Wrong question.
The propper one is not what she wants but - what can she get?
Whats your sexual market value?

As for the later - Quite simple IMO :
1. Grocery stores, especially vegan sections & healthy food/sports nutrition sections.
2. Work (depends on what you do ofc)
3. libraries
4. Gym
5. Courses/Seminars
6. Volunteer work

& This forum

I'm not saying every woman you meet there will be high quality/high consciousness, but the chances are higher.
def not dating sites, clubs or bars .. I'm not saying high quality women dont go there, but the chances ar low.

Edited December 14, 2020 by meow_meow

[SamC]

4 hours ago, Norbert Somogyi said:

Hey guys!

I have been pondering on this question for a while and I'd like to see your input on it. Does one attract girls who are at a similar level of development, lower or usually higher? Does one attract girls of similar character or not?

Nope, one usually attracts a partner which needs the opposite of what you need. This happens because you can both give and get something. Needy Acceptance and love but in two different ways.

One with a lot of self confidence but lack of self esteem ( strong ego) will therefor attract a person who have a lot of trauma and is depressed or something along that line. This because this person will be what you want you subconsciously want your lover to be.. someone who is super dependent on you cause you're so so important for this person.

The person who is depressed and in need will than in return attract someone who will save them, and someone who wants to save them.

4 hours ago, Norbert Somogyi said:

You see, I've had 2 "relationships" this year with girls who were a couple years my senior but dealing with self-esteem issues and some kind of childhood or other trauma. Both of the times I was trying to get them up, help them be more confident in their skin and be more open and social (which was quite successful, though), however things always happened one way or another which made me realize it's not exactly mutual and made me give up on them. They either don't or can't put the same amount of energy into the relationship and I was always the one who ended up being drained in the process. This was one of the reasons these ended.

And that's why you see this pattern. You get attracted to these girls cause they need you and you need them. You attract codependency cause that makes your ego feel loved. The same goes for the other girls.

4 hours ago, Norbert Somogyi said:

Now there is another coworker who is slowly getting attracted to me (however finally she is around my age) and as I was getting to know her I realized she is dealing with trauma and kind of broken as well. I am not sure about her yet, however my next question is what can I do to attract the kinds of girls who could help me on my path and it's not only me doing the hard work for seemingly nothing? Should I abstain from dating a bit and work on myself and let things flow?

If I were you, I would start practicing self love and keep doing personal development. Keep meditating, keep learning, keep growing... but also start loving. Both yourself and other people. Start to find ways accept yourself and your feelings more. Don't fall for the trap of toxic relationships. It's not worth it, eventhough your ego is desperate for it.

[Giancarlo]

@Norbert Somogyi I've noticed this pattern, too (that certain types of girls are more attracted to me than others, not that they're dealing with trauma per se). I haven't found a super coherent explanation for this yet but it's an interesting pattern.

[xxxx]

2 hours ago, howtoyellow said:

higher consciousness girls is just a fancy name for fairies

They say, if you seek God with all your heart, you can find him. What are fairies here?

 

Edited December 14, 2020 by xxxx

[Pilgrim]

This is an interesting question and requires a very honest look at yourself. It's great that you recognised this pattern, when certain things happen over and over there is usually a reason for that. If you attract women who need a lot of help and who need to be saved, what does that say about you? Are you maybe someone who always gives to others, but receives very little himself? Maybe you need to make sure that your own needs are met more, put yourself first, nourish yourself, have strong boundaries, communicate your needs, ask for help yourself when you need it, allow that people help you.. it's very possible that there is a subconscious program that you have which makes you attract these women.. you could work with a therapist on Inner Child Work and discover what your subconscious programming is.. your attachment style likely plays a role here as well. 

Usually when you are a healthy balanced individual, that's what you will attract. When you are imbalanced yourself and have some attachment issues, that's also what you will attract. Who you attract is a reflection of you. 

[Norbert Somogyi]

Thank you people for the valuable inputs!

@Gesundheit  You talking about setting boundaries, self-honesty and communication really hit it home. Those or the lack there of caused a lot of issues in my life and there is a lot to go through. Furthermore I just realized how they interconnect. Setting boundaries is only possible if I am honest with myself and able to communicate it in an open and direct manner.

@SamC Thank you for the deep and thoughtful reply! It really is possible that all these relationships were mere tools for self-validation. I need to do some introspection on that.

@Pilgrim  You hit the nail in the head about me giving a lot to others but receiving little is something I am just getting aware of recently. That's what possibly led me to feel drained whenever I was in these relationships. I'm already seeing a therapist, but progress is something I expect too much of or just impatient with in general.

[SamC]

1 hour ago, Norbert Somogyi said:

Thank you people for the valuable inputs!

@Gesundheit  You talking about setting boundaries, self-honesty and communication really hit it home. Those or the lack there of caused a lot of issues in my life and there is a lot to go through. Furthermore I just realized how they interconnect. Setting boundaries is only possible if I am honest with myself and able to communicate it in an open and direct manner.

@SamC Thank you for the deep and thoughtful reply! It really is possible that all these relationships were mere tools for self-validation. I need to do some introspection on that.

@Pilgrim  You hit the nail in the head about me giving a lot to others but receiving little is something I am just getting aware of recently. That's what possibly led me to feel drained whenever I was in these relationships. I'm already seeing a therapist, but progress is something I expect too much of or just impatient with in general.

Not only for validation. But love(; You feel drained cause you sacrifice yourself for codependency love. You do this cause you either want to or feel that you have to be their savior. They will then when you do this give you " needy love" as a  thank you and than you feel important ( aka loved) which is what your ego craves.  Glad I could help!  (the same pattern is in my life btw)

Edited December 16, 2020 by SamC

[ertopolice]

On 14/12/2020 at 6:29 PM, meow_meow said:

Wrong question.
The propper one is not what she wants but - what can she get?
Whats your sexual market value?

As for the later - Quite simple IMO :
1. Grocery stores, especially vegan sections & healthy food/sports nutrition sections.
2. Work (depends on what you do ofc)
3. libraries
4. Gym
5. Courses/Seminars
6. Volunteer work

& This forum

I'm not saying every woman you meet there will be high quality/high consciousness, but the chances are higher.
def not dating sites, clubs or bars .. I'm not saying high quality women dont go there, but the chances ar low.

Cannot agree more

I aim to find or approach quality men in those too

[Karmadhi]

A girl that is similar value to high or bit lower.

[Lyubov]

I think people will attract all different kinds of people for various reasons. I actually don't like ranking in any way and try to avoid it. I've found even ranking stuff like "better communicator" or "more conscious" is just another ranking system akin to the beauty scale. I'm not against evaluating and saying what I prefer but I don't like to buy into some objective scale. I think you should just screen and look for what you want in a partner and expect that they won't be perfect and fit every single need of yours. 

[hamedsf]

You can't get through life without any trauma at all, it happens to all but the intensity and energetic experience of that is the main thing.

so it has happened to me too though I've never had strong childhood trauma, just because they were on the same wavelength with me in another aspect, I attracted them with the mix of that plus childhood trauma. 

 

[Yarco]

On 12/14/2020 at 8:02 AM, Norbert Somogyi said:

Does one attract girls who are at a similar level of development, lower or usually higher? Does one attract girls of similar character or not?

Just similar in general. Doesn't necessarily have to be development. People will tend to match up with people from families of similar economic status, race, intelligence etc. Women tend to want someone at least similar or higher, but not always. Men are usually willing to accept somewhat lower.

I seem to attract vegetarians but I'm not vegetarian -shrug-

On 12/14/2020 at 8:02 AM, Norbert Somogyi said:

dealing with self-esteem issues and some kind of childhood or other trauma. 

what can I do to attract the kinds of girls who could help me on my path and it's not only me doing the hard work for seemingly nothing? 

I've got a few theories as someone who attracts similar kinds of women, but I don't know which if any might apply to you. I don't even know what the answer is for myself.

- You might be attracting women with self-esteem issues and trauma for some reason. It might be your personality, or something really intangible and difficult to identify, but for whatever reason they're just drawn to you. I think women who have experienced trauma will tend to be attracted to a certain kind of person. Since a lot of people here seem to be on a MrGirl kick lately I'd recommend checking out his video "I Predicted My Co-Worker Would Be Raped" for something on a  similar note.

- The opposite, you might be attracted to women who have experienced trauma for some reason you can't explain, or don't even realize until you get to know them and realize they have trauma. It's subconcious.

- You might just be attracting low-quality women, and low-quality women may tend to be ones that have self-esteem issues or trauma.

- Maybe MOST women (or people in general, you could generalize everything I've said here to men too) just have self-esteem issues or trauma, and to not have either is unusual/rare.

- A couple other things I forgot in the process of writing this lol.

I guess I would try attracting higher-quality women first, whatever that means. It might also just be that most people are shitty and take more than they give in relationships, and it'll take a while to find a quality person in general.

If you start dating again, definitely from the very start be clear about what YOU need and want from the relationship. What do they need to do to help you on your path? What are your must-haves or dealbreakers in a relationship? What does putting the same amount of energy into a relationship practically look like day-to-day.

A quick TLDR from the book "The Five Love Languages"... people express love in different ways, and crave love from others in specific ways:

- words of affirmation(compliments)
- quality time
- giving gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch

Is it possible your partners were trying to put energy into the relationship in the past, but just not in the way that is meaningful to you? I think it's important to also identify and communicate your own love language to your partner.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Yarco