The thought of serving gay people triggered me

[Strangeloop]

So I was reading this article just now, and in the midst of it I read a question. "If you were to choose one target audience to serve which would that be?" And the thought of gay people came up. After that I felt deep suffering in my body and the thoughts became angry. For example: Fucking gay people? Seriously? Those fucktards? something like that. And it was really painful and I calmed myself down with a thought of being straight rather than gay. But I still feel irritated from that and I don't know what any of this means to me. Like why gay people? from all the people in the world? And why the thought of serving gay people evoked so much suffering? 

 

[TrustTheProcess]

 

[Strangeloop]

@louhad This isn't helping, I just get hypnotized by the video and never really think for myself.

[SamC]

2 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

So I was reading this article just now, and in the midst of it I read a question. "If you were to choose one target audience to serve which would that be?" And the thought of gay people came up. After that I felt deep suffering in my body and the thoughts became angry. For example: Fucking gay people? Seriously? Those fucktards? something like that. And it was really painful and I calmed myself down with a thought of being straight rather than gay. But I still feel irritated from that and I don't know what any of this means to me. Like why gay people? from all the people in the world? And why the thought of serving gay people evoked so much suffering? 

 

Sounds like repression and projection. I think you're trying to avoid thinking thoughts related to this and than when you do it  you beat yourself up and get angry at yourself. This anger is than projected outwards towards those who are gay which is more convenient for your self image.

In other words you interpreted this thought as a proof/ or danger of you being gay or something related which you subconsciously or consciously obviously is scared to be. That's why you immediately after solved the issue by the" I'm not gay" thought. You got angry cause your thought felt like an attack on your self image, aka your ego. Hope this insight helps, also look into self compassion, shadow work and forgiveness, it will help you.

Edited December 13, 2020 by SamC

[aurum]

@Strangeloop

If the thought that calmed you down was about being straight rather than gay, then I think it’s pretty obvious what happened.

You have a shadow around homosexuality.

It doesn’t mean you actually are gay. But see if you can observe all the shame that comes up at the thought that you might be.

I never knew I had this shadow until I did psychedelics. I was started feeling a deep sense of love while talking to another guy I was friends with. And it freaked me out BIG. Like wtf, I’m not supposed to feel this way about other men. What does this mean?

It made me realize just how much shame there was around this idea for me.

I actually feel it’s a common shadow for guys to have too. So much of our identity gets wrapped up in trying to be masculine and good with women that the thought of being gay is really terrifying. 

Aubrey Marcus once mentioned on a podcast that he wants to make out with a guy just to prove that it’s not a big deal and the world didn’t explode. Sounds funny but I think he has a point. Like who gives a shit who you are attracted to, really.

[PurpleTree]

 

 

 

nothing to worry about though

 

also maybe not

maybe the way you grew up you just got a negative view of homosexuality and homosexuals and somehow it just popped up in your head.

Edited December 13, 2020 by PurpleTree

[Strangeloop]

I give a shit.

Shadow work no idea what that is like. Self compassion, I think I managed to do it once, it felt nice.

Forgivessness is a huge one.

 

[Eren Eeager]

Dive deep in yourself and start aksing why I hate gay people. Then let go of what ever comes up because hate is s delusion and love is the truth. It won't be easy but this how it works, this is shadow work. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Eren Eeager

[Strangeloop]

I hate gay people because I conditioned myself to hate them, Buuuuut I'm starting to see the problem with that.

[Red-White-Light]

@Strangeloop You hate gay people because they show you something you hate about yourself, which you can't unconditionally love. Deep down you know what that is but your ego pretends it doesn't know, lol.

[SamC]

2 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

I give a shit.

Shadow work no idea what that is like. Self compassion, I think I managed to do it once, it felt nice.

Forgivessness is a huge one.

 

All of the 3 is a practice. Google around and see what you can find. You need to reprogram your subconscious mind and together with this expand your conciousness. GL