What?

[caspex]

I am at a point where I am questioning once again what the fuck is going on. And I don't mean in this a rough way. It's a very calm way of asking what is happening? I used to ask this to myself a lot before as well. But now it has gone deeper than ever. I have recently had some realizations and I have been trying to live by them. Realizations like I am everything and nothing, etc. etc. Well really this gets me into more of the territory of "I don't know".  I thought these realizations about no self and all is me, infinite love, everything is consciousness. etc. will be the end to the question to what is happening? But really these were the start because these realizations are me peeling the layers of concepts. And now I can finally start to inquire truly. And man honestly my mind is in this question. "What?". 

For once in my life I am feeling like there is this no point in describing what I am being. Because there is no way I can do that. Why am I even writing this? Hopefully to get some leads and further into this. Well ultimately I have to look inwards and find it for myself. But I find even looking inwards as a tricky thing. Because to navigate the inner plane there are so much twists and turns. You really gotta bend everything to reach places, I dont feel like I am writing this. If I read back it doesnt even feel I wrote it. I feel like my whole world has dismantled. I dont feel bad. I feel good infact. 

I have been deluding myself so much and still am. I wanna die. Not in a suicidal way. You know in what way I mean it. This is in no way the mental illness sort. 

'I am" feels the same as 'Everything is" because everything is me. The idea of me isn't even real. Nothing and Everything feels merged. Only thing I know now is that I don't know. For the first time I genuinely want to know the truth. And not chase the 'end of suffering' or some 'bliss'. For the first time in this life I want to know.  I want to know an answer to "What?".

[Someone here]

I feel you. 

What's happening is exactly what's happening. You are seeing it right now. The proplem is you can't get more direct than direct. So any answer is going to be indirect conceptual description. Which is really not "it". Just embrace the unknowingness and mystery of it all and see where does that ultimately lead you. 

[Someone here]

What it will lead you to is being.

Being is irreducible mystery. The present moment is completely unknown. It's just being. And what is being? THIS. What else can you say about it really? God is a good pointer to the mystical nature of reality. The thing is most people use science and language to cover up the radical and total mystery of existence but it always fall short. The bottom line is reality is direct being.  by explaining it in terms of the previous causes we my miss the overall mystery of "why is there something rather than nothing" by saying "well this present moment came from the big bang". But see this doesn't explain a Goddam thing. Cuz where did this fucking big bang come from?

At some point you gotta accept being is eternal and it didn't come from anywhere.

Imagine if you take this present moment and say "this present moment is eternal and it didn't come from anywhere and its not anything I think it is. It just is what it is". That would be as far as human knowledge can go lol. 

[Shunyata]

Yes, you have had those mystical experiences and yes, you are special. 

It's true imo that our self-hatred gets more intense as we keep thinking that we are an entity having a spiritual progress. I too am in this place of realizing that I have been living a false consciousness, the whole time, even though I was repeating some spiritual narrative. I even made an image of my own self, of some kind of a unique indigo shamanic child etc etc, in fact iys all been a false journey that makes my already existing self-hating shadow even worse. Someone spoke that the false hero's journey is going to continue until you have hit a complete rock bottom. And that's when the real journey starts. 

But we think that staying in the ego is kind of justified since we were (as egos) created to satisfy others and to fit, to survive in the family system. But choosing to stay in that infantile, super fragile state of consciousness is NOT justified. I have had a deep feeling that almost everything is predetermined idk why.  But the guru told me that no, we have the free will to liberate ourself whenever we want. We have that power. This is crucial. But it doesn't belong to the ego. Ok? My consciousness has been guided, through those events, that it is in our deepest core, the heart of our being. It's not somewhere outside. But it's only through complete silence and surrender of that which is finite and stupid and ugly, to something that is yet unknown by the ego mind, that is greater in intelligence than anything in your wildest dreams. It is through the humbling of the ego, of sroppingit completely. Nohing short of that amounts to anything. Literally. And it's not only about understanding this as the possibility.  It is only through realizing that directly, that is the real work that is un-doing.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shunyata

[Nahm]

Semantics aside, only the direct experience of infinity will do. Mind blowing doesn’t begin to describe. 

[Persipnei]

14 hours ago, Shunyata said:

It's true imo that our self-hatred gets more intense as we keep thinking that we are an entity having a spiritual progress. I too am in this place of realizing that I have been living a false consciousness, the whole time, even though I was repeating some spiritual narrative. I even made an image of my own self, of some kind of a unique indigo shamanic child etc etc, in fact iys all been a false journey that makes my already existing self-hating shadow even worse. Someone spoke that the false hero's journey is going to continue until you have hit a complete rock bottom. And that's when the real journey starts. 

But we think that staying in the ego is kind of justified since we were (as egos) created to satisfy others and to fit, to survive in the family system. But choosing to stay in that infantile, super fragile state of consciousness is NOT justified. I have had a deep feeling that almost everything is predetermined idk why.  But the guru told me that no, we have the free will to liberate ourself whenever we want. We have that power. This is crucial. But it doesn't belong to the ego. Ok? My consciousness has been guided, through those events, that it is in our deepest core, the heart of our being. It's not somewhere outside. But it's only through complete silence and surrender of that which is finite and stupid and ugly, to something that is yet unknown by the ego mind, that is greater in intelligence than anything in your wildest dreams. It is through the humbling of the ego, of sroppingit completely. Nohing short of that amounts to anything. Literally. And it's not only about understanding this as the possibility.  It is only through realizing that directly, that is the real work that is un-doing.

About that free will <> predetermination... I had troubles with it, but don't see any reason why they both can't be true. I give you an example from my experience:

I smoked ganja for 22 years. At least the last 5 years, I was doubting to quit, but I wasn't ready for it. It took me until a few months ago to make the "click", and could only do that after I had the right experiences, had encountered the right information and had felt the right emotions to make that decision.

I had complete free will, could have taken the decision 5 years earlier, but didn't because the puzzle pieces where too scattered. So, it was predeterminated I would make the decision WITH my free will, at that certain point.

 

Also, don't be to hard on yourself. I have encountered that self-hate (and do almost daily), but every single step, even your indigo shaman one, is valuable does something. Maybe you just needed to feel absolutely stupid by having that phase so you can learn that it's no problem to have stupid phases?

Not saying indigo shaman phases are stupid, by the way.