What is happening to me!?

[Vrubel]

I am in this very peculiar phase in my spiritual life journey. It seems that whenever I go to bed my ego gets significantly weaker because it calms down and hasn't much to distract me with. For example, I become more conscious of the fact that I am headless in my direct experience. This can feel very good but lately, a recurring thing that happens almost every night for the past weeks is that I also experience a fear setting in, my body becoming cold and shaky and feeling nauseous. Almost like 5-meo in the coming-up phase. And it becomes intense! like it's hard for me to fully surrender to it. I try my best but I have noticed that I have some attachments that are keeping me down, attachments to this life "being real", my "sanity" and also not to puke all over the bathroom floor.

This brings me to another thing: often recurring nausea waves. I always used to have a strong stomach and I haven't had to throw up for many years (with the exception while on psychedelics). I even traveled for months through third-world countries and my stomach was mostly fine. And now I get constantly nauseated even though I eat very standard food that I have always been eaten.

Another aspect of this situation is that I became "fascinated" with dying, for lack of a better word. For example, I have had a very vivid dream where I received a mortal wound that was bleeding out intensely fast and I was fascinated to know what would go through my mind on such a moment. Also whenever I watch a movie and a (main) character goes through a serious life endangering survival situation, I get supper immersed and empathetic. Like I feel some of his fear and how he desperately wants to survive. It makes me literally sick to my stomach and I get nauseated again. 

My personal take on my situation is that my psyche is catching up with my new-found consciousness as a result of the relatively decent number of psychadelics I have been doing this year and my ego is just resisting in all these ways.  (Even though the last time I took a psychedelic was over two months ago and as of now, I have never broken through to awakening.)  

I would love to know the take on this situation from those who are experienced in this field. Is this normal and did you had to deal with these kinds of things? How did you deal with them?

[allislove]

Apart from psychedelics, do you embody any other spiritual practice to help you to 'let go'? That's the exit which is the entrance really 

[Nahm]

If the self referential thought loops & reinforced paradigms of survival and death where nonexistent, what other dissonant thoughts would remain? 

What is the direct experience of these?

What is the direct experience of a psyche catching up with consciousness as the result of experience (and or a past)?

What is the direct experience of an ego resisting? What color, shape, dimension is this ego which is credited to resist?

When was it last seen? How old is it? How tall is it? Does it like heavy metal, long walks on the beach?

 

What do you want to create? 

What do you want to experience? 

When thoughts become things, Grounding is invaluable, immeasurable, priceless. 

[Vrubel]

7 hours ago, allislove said:

Apart from psychedelics, do you embody any other spiritual practice to help you to 'let go'? That's the exit which is the entrance really 

I don't have a regimented meditation practice but I do it on occasion though.  None of my spiritual practices are done in a regimented way, it's just when I feel like it. For example, when I notice I am full of worries and negative thoughts I practice self-love. I also did it after failing to properly surrender in the aforementioned situation. Sometimes spiritual moments just come over me but most of the time my mind is grounded in my life (work, family, hobbies, etc.)

[Vrubel]

@Nahm

Thank you for these inquiry questions, guess I must not go with the stories that my mind conjures and instead focus on direct experience. 

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

What do you want to create? 

What do you want to experience? 

When thoughts become things, Grounding is invaluable, immeasurable, priceless. 

It's not exactly clear to me what is meant by this part

Edited December 12, 2020 by Vrubel

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Vrubel said:

 

Thank you for these inquiry questions, guess I must not go with the stories that my mind conjures and instead focus on direct experience. 

It's not exactly clear to me what is meant by this part

What’s the other story...the one you want to experience in this life, if you will. 

[allislove]

9 hours ago, Vrubel said:

I don't have a regimented meditation practice but I do it on occasion though.  None of my spiritual practices are done in a regimented way, it's just when I feel like it. For example, when I notice I am full of worries and negative thoughts I practice self-love. I also did it after failing to properly surrender in the aforementioned situation. Sometimes spiritual moments just come over me but most of the time my mind is grounded in my life (work, family, hobbies, etc.)

Sounds cool ?

Do you have a dream board? I find the journey to be way more fun with it ☺️