Is this abusive, or am I overreacting?

[flowboy]

It turned out to be a very unfortunate interaction between two pain bodies:

• She had been the person in previous relationships who does everything for her partner and herself and no one took care of her
• I was repeatedly bullied and exploited by the first girls I had crushes on (pretending to like me to demand money from me, laughing while some senior guy beats me up, stuff like that), since then associating adoration with pain and betrayal, and having an unconscious vow to never let this happen again

So I have pain and fears around being used and demanded from, and so when she teases me about making dinner for her, I get triggered, see her as the demanding abusive girl, and feel like I am being trapped into a humiliating scenario that I have to avoid at all costs.

But my hesitation towards the idea of making dinner for her immediately made her see me as the guy who takes everything and gives nothing back, at that same moment.

It's a good thing we are both aware enough that we could figure this out and get through it. For which I am grateful.

 

Regarding the joke: Once I stopped projecting the evil girls from my past onto her, I could see that it was not malicious.

However, I showed it to my male friend and his reaction was similar to that of the people here: that it's an incredibly immature joke that comes off needlessly hurtful and like an unnecessary power move. As he put it: "Women already hold all the cards, generally, because they can control guys through sex and they don't need them as much as guys need women. It's aggressive and unnecessarily hurtful to accentuate this uncomfortable fact, and somehow display power that she already has implicitly"  (paraphrasing)

So I conclude that some fear/insecurity about being controlled by women is at least pretty common.

And thus the joke is inconsiderate and in bad taste, because it doesn't take into consideration a pain point that is common in men, which women should therefore know.

In the same way where a similar joke involving breast sizes, weight or dress style of respective girlfriends would be inconsiderate: in a perfect world, no one is insecure about anything: however, that's not how it usually is, so we try to work around hurting people in their commonly accepted weak spots.

 

I'm analyzing this because I tend to jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me whenever something hurts/offends me. So this one seems to be pretty common, so I can feel fine about having a sensitivity here.

[SamC]

On 2020-12-16 at 5:52 PM, flowboy said:

It turned out to be a very unfortunate interaction between two pain bodies:

• She had been the person in previous relationships who does everything for her partner and herself and no one took care of her
• I was repeatedly bullied and exploited by the first girls I had crushes on (pretending to like me to demand money from me, laughing while some senior guy beats me up, stuff like that), since then associating adoration with pain and betrayal, and having an unconscious vow to never let this happen again

So I have pain and fears around being used and demanded from, and so when she teases me about making dinner for her, I get triggered, see her as the demanding abusive girl, and feel like I am being trapped into a humiliating scenario that I have to avoid at all costs.

Bro, I would be careful with this girl. I don't know but somehing feels super off. On top of this, you say you have attracted similar girls before. It is a red flag.

Quote

But my hesitation towards the idea of making dinner for her immediately made her see me as the guy who takes everything and gives nothing back, at that same moment.

It's a good thing we are both aware enough that we could figure this out and get through it. For which I am grateful.

 

Regarding the joke: Once I stopped projecting the evil girls from my past onto her, I could see that it was not malicious.

However, I showed it to my male friend and his reaction was similar to that of the people here: that it's an incredibly immature joke that comes off needlessly hurtful and like an unnecessary power move. As he put it: "Women already hold all the cards, generally, because they can control guys through sex and they don't need them as much as guys need women. It's aggressive and unnecessarily hurtful to accentuate this uncomfortable fact, and somehow display power that she already has implicitly"  (paraphrasing)

Yeah and nice girls don't do that. Most woman are super sensitive to set people in pain.

Quote

So I conclude that some fear/insecurity about being controlled by women is at least pretty common.

And thus the joke is inconsiderate and in bad taste, because it doesn't take into consideration a pain point that is common in men, which women should therefore know.

In the same way where a similar joke involving breast sizes, weight or dress style of respective girlfriends would be inconsiderate: in a perfect world, no one is insecure about anything: however, that's not how it usually is, so we try to work around hurting people in their commonly accepted weak spots.

 

I'm analyzing this because I tend to jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me whenever something hurts/offends me. So this one seems to be pretty common, so I can feel fine about having a sensitivity here.

Not saying that she is but in some ways she reminds me of narrcisst. 20 points to buy her a house, are you kidding me?? Be careful man! This doesn't sound like normal games. This gets me thinking of spiral dynamics stage red and a power game, disguised as a joke.

" ohh but it's just a joke"... no it's just super weird.  You have the total right to feel your feelings, don't let her gaslight you into believing you're overreacting. Your feelings are your feelings and they are true. You have the right to feel hurt - they are the perfect indicator to your reality. 

Note though bro, that I don't know shit about her, you or your relationship so don't take my words as the truth. I hope that this is not the case and that I am terrible wrong. I have also read a lot of your posts and you sound like a super awsome guy. You deserve the best! Don't let gits, good gestures and stories manipulate you - listen to peoples energi and intent, not their words. Again she might be awsome and it might be as she explained, I don't know, but keep an eye on her. All the best man!

Edited December 25, 2020 by SamC

[Spiral]

On 11/12/2020 at 9:14 PM, flowboy said:

@integral As far as I know, there is an unspoken rule that you don't disrespect or humiliate the person you date in front of your friends.

I would go as far as to say, don’t do that at all with or without friends present. Unless it’s a appropriated sexual thing.

Sorry to hear about the whole thing. I hope you don’t stay with her.

Edited December 25, 2020 by Spiral

[Javfly33]

My eyes can´t believe what I am reading.

[Viking]

i don't know exactly the situation because im not in your shoes so i cant say anything regarding the situation.

what i can say is that you have all this anger and it seems you never shared with her any of it. if you tell her this seriously and she disregards it then that's a red flag, but maybe you share your feelings with her and you realize maybe she doesn't take all of this seriously and maybe you misunderstand the whole situation. you have to communicate. it seems like it could be that you built all of this in your head and you're angry because u misunderstood her.

communicate, and try to understand her. if she doesn't care about your feelings, run. 

[AnnaWhite37]

OMG WHAT IS THIS

It's a joke??

[UNZARI]

Idk man she might just being cute I’d say joke around a bit with her and be like “what the hell is this I’m not doing this lol” u know just play against it a little to see how she reacts. If it’s some weird abusive shit you’ll know by the way she acts for sure THERES ALWAYS red flags, this may just be a cute game to bust ur balls a little 

[flowboy]

Well, no matter. We broke up already. Not over this, but because we didn't feel enough butterflies.

Thanks all?