Is this abusive, or am I overreacting?

[flowboy]

I would like some feedback on the following.

I know that it's all meant as a ridiculous joke, and I can see how it would be funny. But it does feel wrong to me.

I have been obsessively angry at my new girlfriend for two days now.

It's because she's bragging to her friend about all the nice things I did for her (certain gifts and dates).

The date ideas and gifts were all just cool ideas I had, that I thought were too fun to not do, and so I acted on them. And they were received well.

Or so I thought.

Two nights ago, during a dinner with her and her roommate and her date, the topic was on cooking specialties. But the girls asked me what my specialty was "that I would cook for her" and I started to feel pressured. I did have an answer of a nice dish that I could describe (although it already felt wrong), but then she asked: "So when are you going to make it for me?"

The air got very tense and uncomfortable for a second when I said: "I dunno. I just told you the ingredients, now you can make it too."

I basically panicked because I was being pressured, and did NOT want to fall into the nice guy suckup frame here. I had no funny way to get out of it, but I wasn't gonna give in.

She responded: "Do you wanna go back to your apartment?" (as if I had been rude!)

She also asked: "What's the other courses? Of course you need an appetizer and a desert, right?"

I had none come to mind, nor did I want to. I awkwardly suggested she come up with the other courses. Clearly that answer was not appreciated. But we moved on.

She seemed to have forgotten about it, but that night I still felt anger about her peer pressuring me to adhere to some frame as the kind of boyfriend she and her friend apparently wanted me to be, which I experienced as quite aggressive.

I felt so on edge that I couldn't sleep, and actually did something uncharacteristic: I dug out a bit of tobacco that I remembered I had, and smoked it in a bong. The nicotine did help to calm me down, but it did worry me that I felt that I needed that. Also I have been known to fall back into addiction after getting a 'taste'.

 

This morning, the problem I ignored had gotten way worse: I was shocked to see that she had made a group chat with her roommate, her, me, and her roommate's date, titled "Candidates Training Prog."

The first text reads: "Dear Candidates, Congratulations, you have been selected for the course 'how to deal with too-hot-too handle women'. We are aware that it is a very hard and exclusive programm, but we analyzed your CV's and motivation letters and we see you as potential candidates to get a degree. It is already the moment for a first evaluation. From now on monthly updates will follow.

- <fake name>

- <fake name>"

What follows is a chart they drew of different things we could do to please them, and how many points they are worth.

What follows is how they tallied up the score of the actual things I did (and the other guy did):

You could make the argument that she's making me win, so perhaps this is a fucked up compliment.

And you could make the argument that the green list is a fucked up way to show that she's serious about me and wants to experience stuff with me.

But instead of asking me, this is DEMANDING it.

I could not help but feel enraged when I read this, and the feeling has stayed with me all day.

Reasons I can think of:

• the things I did (see the 16 points above:p ) I did out of a genuine desire to do something nice for a girl I like a lot. NOT to score points. Her tallying it up in a point system is cheapening it, for me.
• I feel objectified by being reduced to a number of gifts and dates, and being bragged about in a contest
• I feel insulted by the attempt to get me to compete in a girlfriend-pleasing contest
• I feel my worst fear in this area is coming true: when I do something nice, I'm hoping that she will appreciate it without then taking me for granted more, her ego getting inflated by it, and starting the process of becoming spoiled and demanding, and me falling into the frame of the supplicating nice guy. I just wanted to do a couple nice things without that happening. And here it is.
• I feel disappointed: I was hoping that she was able to handle my nice gestures, without it having negative consequences for the dynamic. Thereby proving that she deserved them. But what I feel she's actually proven, is that she does not deserve them.
• I enjoy doing nice things and now she ruined it. I feel zero motivation to cook for her, come up with a date, or do anything for her anymore, now that I know she's just feeding her ego with it and bragging about it.
• I also feel she breached the trust of the relationship by disclosing to some guy I barely know that I gave her a sex toy. That shit is private. The guy had questions about it. I don't want to be put in that position.

 

I can see that it's meant as a ridiculous joke. That's why I have spent all day trying to see it that way, and have not indicated that I am angry.

But basically I feel like she did the equivalent of me and a guy friend of mine making a list of all the blowjobs our girls gave us, how perky their asses and tits are, and how little foreplay they need, assigned a point system, tallied up the score and then tried to make them compete.

Why am I jumping to blowjobs and sexual things in this analogy? Because it's something vulnerable for women to do. You like to do it, but you have to have trust that the other doesn't start bragging to everyone about it and give you social repercussions.

Guys can be proud of doing sex things according to social rules. So the reverse, I think, should be doing nice things like gifts and expensive dates.

You do it, and you like to do it, but you have to trust the person not to take advantage of you.

Edited December 11, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

A note for the hardcore pickup guys here: the gifts and more expensive dates were all after having sex multiple times. They were not manipulations to get into bed with her, but just genuine tokens of appreciation. That's why this hurts.

Edited December 11, 2020 by flowboy

[Display_Name]

Wtf did I just read

[BornToBoil]

Honestly, wtf, that's crazy! I think you should break up with her. That is rude and disrespectful as fuck.

Or you could make the list of blowjobs first and then leave, that would be fun.

Have you told her how it makes you feel?

Edited December 11, 2020 by BornToBoil

[BornToBoil]

Now I have actually read the list a bit and this is even worse than I thought!!!

She even had the audacity to turn things like wedding proposal and buying a ring into a freaking score game! 

Also her logic 10 chocolate bars = buying a house.

She is so materialistic, but also crazy. Run the fuck away from her! (But first troll her with the blowjobs list, lol)

[Username]

Sounds like Orange to me. I avoid such people.

[BornToBoil]

@Username It's not just orange. This is super fucking toxic orange...

[Preety_India]

Extremely emotionally abusive woman. 

Just leave her. Let her know you deserve better. 

 

[Username]

@BornToBoil Everyone is abusive in some degree. It's just a matter of how much abuse you choose to tolerate. In her mind it's probably funny nut it went too far. In Orange relationships power game is present. This is also a reason why you don't want to be around unconscious people - they will try to use you for their own benefit.

[integral]

Shes just externally displaying what she, her friends and most women are thinking all the time. Its always been shallow like this. Now you know what stage of development they are at.

Buy hey, congratulations, you got 16 points, better then the cat :).  

If your going to keep dating women like this, then the only option is to play there game... dont think your ever going to get what you want from them. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by integral

[BornToBoil]

@Username that's not true in my opinion. My parents are stage orange yet they have great and healthy relationship with none of that bullshit. Yes my step mom enjoys expensive gifts and stuff like that, but she would never push my dad to buy any of that, let alone disrespect him in front of anyone. As@flowboy said, those are just genuine tokens of appreciation. Not to mention that they have been through some pretty rough time together when money was a problem.

Every stage has healthy and toxic manifestations to it.

[integral]

To be clear, she does NOT value your vulnerability or the form of love your giving her. 

She values whats on that list. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by integral

[Arcangelo]

It's cool. Don't sweat it. Girls be bored girls be playing silly games. Let her have her fun. You go ahead and have your fun. Ignore that shit like you ignore a dog barking. If she asks you about the stupid list you go right ahead and ask her: -''Hey what are we gonna eat tonight? You want some sushi?

Don't even acknowledge her question.

You know better man, this is just another shit test. Don't fail it.

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

the gifts

According to my dating coach you go gift for gift. She gives you a gift you give her a gift. If you give her a gift and it is not x-mas or her birthday you are falling into the nice guy category. No matter how good the sex was, you are also giving her sex remember that.

We are good as we are.

[BornToBoil]

@Arcangelo I feel like you guys would be a perfect match...

[flowboy]

5 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

It's cool. Don't sweat it. Girls be bored girls be playing silly games. Let her have her fun. You go ahead and have your fun. Ignore that shit like you ignore a dog barking. If she asks you about the stupid list you go right ahead and ask her: -''Hey what are we gonna eat tonight? You want some sushi?

Don't even acknowledge her question.

You know better man, this is just another shit test. Don't fail it.

According to my dating coach you go gift for gift. She gives you a gift you give her a gift. If you give her a gift and it is not x-mas or her birthday you are falling into the nice guy category. No matter how good the sex was, you are also giving her sex remember that.

We are good as we are.

@Arcangelo I appreciate the advice, but I can't be happy in a relationship where I have to play these games. The right girl will appreciate my gifts whenever I give them without letting it go to her head.

 

Also, I feel like failing the shit test here would be to accept this disrespect. And I'm not going to.

Edited December 11, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

@integral @Etherial Cat @Username @Preety_India @BornToBoil

Thank you guys for the feedback and advice.

The consensus seems to be that this is messed up indeed.

I'm literally shaking with anger (still) and it's hard to focus on anything.

I wrote down the bullet list from my post, and I will sit her down and explain to her point by point how she made me feel. I will make it clear that this is unacceptable.

Then what happens next I will see. But if she doesn't make me feel like she really understands and it won't happen again, then I'm out the door.?

[Username]

@BornToBoil  I noticed SD levels are less clear for older/mature people. I heard from Ken Wilber that even blue will accept green values as theirs if they become very common. Flowboy's girlfriend is young and taking Orange to it's extreme to test it's limits.

@flowboy  I wouldn't want to play such games either.

[Arcangelo]

I agree on the sex toy thing, she crossed a line there. Everything else is just silly games. No one is perfect and all girls play games at some point.

[flowboy]

3 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I've read your posts quite often and you seem like a very nice chap. You deserve so much better.

And you are right, accepting the disrespect would be setting up a standard.  

Ah, I feel gratitude. The friend I would normally discuss this with is busy, and it's very nice to have understanding people like you on a forum like this.

[flowboy]

@Username We are both 28, not sure if you would consider that young, but perhaps. Old enough to know better, I'd say

 

The situation reminded me of this classic scene. Although these guys had the decency to hide it: