Feeling Suicidal and Traumatized

[Preety_India]

Last few weeks have been really tough for me emotionally. One day I feel okay, the next day I feel very hurt and upset. These feelings are arising from knowing that I was cheated on. Since the day I found out that I was cheated on, I haven't been feeling normal at all. The breakdown of my trust has frankly traumatized me to the point I get flashbacks when I try to sleep, I wake up in fear and anxiety, seeing images of ex playing in my mind and how much he hurt me. This is the first time I have been cheated on in a relationship. I was never cheated on by any of my ex boyfriends in my previous relationships. 

I've been struggling really hard trying to remain sane for the past two weeks. The intense feeling of hurt/betrayal is causing me to feel suicidal. Every day I wake up trying to feel better for the day but the anxious feeling of "broken trust" lingers on and the anxiety comes back and so do the suicidal feelings. 

I feel played, betrayed, used, hurt, toyed and my emotions are all over the place. 

The emotions are raw and the wounds are fresh. I know time can heal such things and I wish time would really go fast. But it seems time is frozen when I'm feeling all these traumatic feelings. 

 

How to reduce/heal  this trauma of hurt/broken heart/betrayal? 

Please don't tell professional therapy because it's extremely expensive in my place and no way can I afford it. 

Thanks for listening. 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Preety_India

[BornToBoil]

@Preety_India shit, that sucks, hope you will get better soon. I really wish I had some solid advice for you, but I don't since I have never been through something like that. There is a book called "Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life" by Byron Katie, I think it could help you. 

I also think that trying to focus on a relationship with your new bf might help, but on the other hand it is probably very difficult to open up and trust someone again after being cheated on. Plus, I guess it's better to learn to deal with situations like that yourself without being dependent on a new relationship. But again, it's all just my speculation since I have never been in that situation, so you probably know better than me.

Don't give up, you will make it! 

[BornToBoil]

16 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Expect for 99.00% of them to play, betray, use and toy you.

@Etherial Cat I understand that you are saying that because you want to lessen her pain, but it's a very bad mindset to have in my opinion. If anything it will make her attract more assholes like that in her life and be an obstacle to finally finding a great relationship. People often take mindsets and law of attraction lightly and that's a mistake in my opinion.

Not to mention that it's obviously not the case.

[BornToBoil]

@Etherial Cat  as far as relationship compatibility goes I guess you are right, even though it's not like it's just a pure chance. I understand that everyone has different experiences and you probably had some bad ones,  but saying that 99% of men are going to use, play, and betray you seems a bit harsh to me.

Edited December 11, 2020 by BornToBoil

[MuadDib]

@Preety_India You are in a state of shock and it's quite normal to experience these things after psychological trauma. Your nervous system is on edge because your narratives of the world and your place in it have been thrown into chaos. You are going to be desperately trying to make sense of a huge chunk of your past and recontextualize all of that information and those experiences.

It is a HUGE process and can certainly feel extremely overwhelming at the moment. Be mindful that you will only be able to process so much of it at a time, it's not going to go away overnight. It could take weeks or months to fully integrate everything, ground yourself, and move forward (that's the best-case scenario). You are also going to be hypersensitive to potential threats in your environment and hypersensitive to people, the words they say, the multiple possible meanings of everything and your mind is going to skew heavily negative. It's important to keep that in mind so you can try to look at things more objectively. A terrible thing has happened to you, and there are terrible things in the world. It's true. But there is also so much beauty and goodness everywhere you go as well. 

In this state of vulnerability it's important you don't try to seek solace or protection or "revenge" in another relationship too quickly. You are going to want to desperately validate yourself and seek comfort in partners that may not be ideal and could make things worse because you aren't going to be able to look at people and situations objectively. Take time for yourself. It could be very difficult in the beginning but slowly you will heal. Writing out your experiences can help; just getting it all out in front of you, over and over with the INTENTION to become more conscious and move forward, not to spin your wheels in the mud and perpetuate your negative states.

Grounding exercises like shamanic breathing/ Wim hof exercises and trauma release exercises can also help you to alleviate some of your nervous system tension. 

 

MDMA is a great pseudo psychedelic for dealing with trauma. It is slightly toxic, addictive, and is notoriously impure when you buy it off the street so if you get some (preferably from reputable vendors on the dark web) be sure to test it with a Marquis reagent (at least) and weigh out a proper dose. Don't mix it with any SSRI's it could be lethal!

 

 

It's true, men can be pretty savage. As can women in their own way. Don't let it get you down, you will find someone worthy of your big heart one day. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by MuadDib
Edit: I just read that you are in a "good?" relationship already ... use that to your advantage if you can.

[BornToBoil]

15 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I could have used another perspective and say instead that 99% of human won't know how to love you properly. Would you agree more on that?

Whatever isn't perfect love is ego.

And the ego's favorite game is to push its own agenda to the detriment of others.

I guess I agree with that statement (even though there is obviously no way for us to verify it), but I would draw a distinction between not knowing how to love properly and using or betrayal. For example, because of my inexperience, I would probably suck at building relationships for the beginning and  wouldn't be a manifestation of true love, but I would never intentionally use or betray someone.

Edited December 11, 2020 by BornToBoil

[BornToBoil]

@Etherial Cat you are absolutely right.

I used the word "intentionally" rather broadly here. For example by my definition, you can not cheat unintentionally and then say something like "oops, sorry, I wasn't aware of what I was doing". By unintentionally using someone I mean something like me using a relationship for validation: "look I have a girlfriend now, I don't suck anymore!". But I guess since i am aware of it now it would also be intentional, haha.

So yes, you could argue that most people are highly unconscious and because of that they harm others "unintentionally", but that's not what i meant in that case.

[BornToBoil]

@Etherial Cat sure, why not, haha.

I mean, we could argue forever about meanings of different words, accuracy of our estimations, etc. But it's a thread about helping @Preety_India and not about some philosophical debate, so lets end it here 

Edited December 11, 2020 by BornToBoil

[Gesundheit]

@Preety_India

You're trying to be strong. Just don't.

Allow yourself to experience vulnerability in its fullness and without resistance, for healing comes from vulnerability.

 

[xxxx]

@Preety_India,

Hey there, honey!

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and while I know that I can't imagine how painful this is for you, I shall try my best to understand this situation. 

First Preety, you have to remember that this is NOT your fault. This has NOTHING to do with you. 

The person in question over here is his own individual, with his own set of conditioning and traumas. Whatever he is doing is a reflection of HIS personality. 

I have a friend who went through a similar situation - this boy cheated on her, and it was the first time she was cheated on, too - she was in immense emotional and physical pain. It was very difficult, I remember - especially because she had to see him every single day, since they were classmates. They had many projects to work on together, and it was just impossible for her to escape his physical presence. 

She did overcome it, though - without a therapist. What she did was she stripped away the power she had given to the individual. Slowly, she realized that what he did was a reflection of his existence as a SEPERATE individual. Her other boyfriends had not treated her this bad, and she came to the conclusion that this one individual is not going to determine her worth. 

Think of it like this, Preety - Say, we both meet. I hate chocolates, because early in my childhood I had a bad physical reaction after eating them. You, however, love chocolates. Would it be your fault if I berate you for liking chocolates? Would you take it upon yourself that you had a good experience with chocolates during your childhood, while I didn't?

See, there's always an environment around us - and we see that our relationship with each one is different. Your current boyfriend treats you so well - you actually did mention that he is your soulmate - why don't you look at yourself through his eyes? He sees no fault in you. He loves you for who you are as an individual. This is a reflection of HIS personality. 

How you treat others is a reflection of YOUR personality. Have no regrets, Preety, because in your capacity, you never did anyone any harm - instead your bestowed them with your true love. Not everyone we meet is going to complete our puzzle, and that IS OKAY - because there's way too many pieces. Each individual we meet is just a single piece - that's it - nothing more. 

ALSO REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT A REHABILITATION CENTRE FOR OTHERS. 

Why should you feel that your sense of self has more to do with them than with you? We limit ourselves like this; we believe ourselves to whoever they say we are, overthrowing our minds , and we end up settling for a position in this false reality as if we have nothing to offer to ourselves. What I'm trying to tell you is that what who you are isn't owned by anyone, nor controlled or even slightly understood, so don't give your mind to others for their profit, while you sit drugged by the belief that this all that there is to your life. No one can hurt you as much as YOU, and no one can save you from yourself but YOU. 

Tell this to yourself - The 'I' that is feeling so miserable because it hates what the world is doing to them, never truly existed to begin with - it's liberating, believe me.

I wish you the best of health, love.

Take care. 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by xxxx

[BornToBoil]

@xxxx Beautiful!

[hyruga]

Don't think. Don't care. Don't judge.

 

You will finally understand why I keep telling people to 'don't think'.

 

[Brittany]

Bentinho called Relationships "the anti-Christ of love" in his podcast.

I don't agree with everything he said. 

But it gives food for the mind to chew on.

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Brittany

[lmfao]

@Preety_India Interesting. 

I don't know this situation about your ex, how you've tried moving on in the past. @xxxx gave really good advice

I'll advise something that me be a bit bold, ignore it if you've done it before or you think it will be that detrimental. For the sake of your own growth and emotional healing, have a very honest, open and frank conversation with your abuser (this boy in this case). Have no shame or self-doubt in owning everything that you're feeling right now.

And when you talk to him, be honest about how vulnerable and hurt you feel (rather than just expressing anger and hate without admitting your own sensitivity and hurt), whilst also not being doubt or shameful about the validity and worth of your feelings. 

Maybe you won't get a response from him that shows much remorse or concern. But the important thing is that for yourself, you were able to develop the courage to own your feelings completely and stand up to your oppressor. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by lmfao

[xxxx]

19 minutes ago, Bojan said:

after which his penis went missing, so they accused her of stealing it from him,

I really hope and pray that this is figurative language, with some deep philosophical meaning, that I am currently unable to understand. 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by xxxx

[BornToBoil]

@Bojan what manipulations?

[Javfly33]

Exercise, it will clear your mind of BS.

[Preety_India]

 

@Etherial Cat thank you for the advice. Yes it's the same person. I'm trying to heal. 

@BornToBoil thank you for book suggestion, Byron Katie sounds great. Thank you for your encouraging words. 

@Gesundheit thanks for the quotes. 

 

@hyruga thanks for the input. 

@Brittany thanks for the videos. Helpful. Yea I totally get the Antichrist thing. Sometimes it really feels that way. That's a unique way of looking at things. Puts a new frame on everything. And makes sense. 

@Bojan lol hehe. That was one heck of a story. Thanks for the laughs. 

 

@Javfly33 thanks for the input.

 

[Preety_India]

23 hours ago, MuadDib said:

@Preety_India You are in a state of shock and it's quite normal to experience these things after psychological trauma. Your nervous system is on edge because your narratives of the world and your place in it have been thrown into chaos. You are going to be desperately trying to make sense of a huge chunk of your past and recontextualize all of that information and those experiences.

It is a HUGE process and can certainly feel extremely overwhelming at the moment. Be mindful that you will only be able to process so much of it at a time, it's not going to go away overnight. It could take weeks or months to fully integrate everything, ground yourself, and move forward (that's the best-case scenario). You are also going to be hypersensitive to potential threats in your environment and hypersensitive to people, the words they say, the multiple possible meanings of everything and your mind is going to skew heavily negative. It's important to keep that in mind so you can try to look at things more objectively. A terrible thing has happened to you, and there are terrible things in the world. It's true. But there is also so much beauty and goodness everywhere you go as well. 

In this state of vulnerability it's important you don't try to seek solace or protection or "revenge" in another relationship too quickly. You are going to want to desperately validate yourself and seek comfort in partners that may not be ideal and could make things worse because you aren't going to be able to look at people and situations objectively. Take time for yourself. It could be very difficult in the beginning but slowly you will heal. Writing out your experiences can help; just getting it all out in front of you, over and over with the INTENTION to become more conscious and move forward, not to spin your wheels in the mud and perpetuate your negative states.

Grounding exercises like shamanic breathing/ Wim hof exercises and trauma release exercises can also help you to alleviate some of your nervous system tension. 

 

MDMA is a great pseudo psychedelic for dealing with trauma. It is slightly toxic, addictive, and is notoriously impure when you buy it off the street so if you get some (preferably from reputable vendors on the dark web) be sure to test it with a Marquis reagent (at least) and weigh out a proper dose. Don't mix it with any SSRI's it could be lethal!

 

 

It's true, men can be pretty savage. As can women in their own way. Don't let it get you down, you will find someone worthy of your big heart one day. 

Thank you so much for the detailed input, your words resonate thoroughly with my current mental status 

I'm in a bit better mood today than yesterday. And as you said, it won't go away overnight. I'm waiting for time to heal it slowly. 

Yes, I was in a state of shock in the past few weeks and trying my best to move on. Journaling and venting about it definitely helps a lot. 

Thanks for your time, it means a lot to me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

20 hours ago, xxxx said:

@Preety_India,

Hey there, honey!

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and while I know that I can't imagine how painful this is for you, I shall try my best to understand this situation. 

First Preety, you have to remember that this is NOT your fault. This has NOTHING to do with you. 

The person in question over here is his own individual, with his own set of conditioning and traumas. Whatever he is doing is a reflection of HIS personality. 

I have a friend who went through a similar situation - this boy cheated on her, and it was the first time she was cheated on, too - she was in immense emotional and physical pain. It was very difficult, I remember - especially because she had to see him every single day, since they were classmates. They had many projects to work on together, and it was just impossible for her to escape his physical presence. 

She did overcome it, though - without a therapist. What she did was she stripped away the power she had given to the individual. Slowly, she realized that what he did was a reflection of his existence as a SEPERATE individual. Her other boyfriends had not treated her this bad, and she came to the conclusion that this one individual is not going to determine her worth. 

Think of it like this, Preety - Say, we both meet. I hate chocolates, because early in my childhood I had a bad physical reaction after eating them. You, however, love chocolates. Would it be your fault if I berate you for liking chocolates? Would you take it upon yourself that you had a good experience with chocolates during your childhood, while I didn't?

See, there's always an environment around us - and we see that our relationship with each one is different. Your current boyfriend treats you so well - you actually did mention that he is your soulmate - why don't you look at yourself through his eyes? He sees no fault in you. He loves you for who you are as an individual. This is a reflection of HIS personality. 

How you treat others is a reflection of YOUR personality. Have no regrets, Preety, because in your capacity, you never did anyone any harm - instead your bestowed them with your true love. Not everyone we meet is going to complete our puzzle, and that IS OKAY - because there's way too many pieces. Each individual we meet is just a single piece - that's it - nothing more. 

ALSO REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT A REHABILITATION CENTRE FOR OTHERS. 

Why should you feel that your sense of self has more to do with them than with you? We limit ourselves like this; we believe ourselves to whoever they say we are, overthrowing our minds , and we end up settling for a position in this false reality as if we have nothing to offer to ourselves. What I'm trying to tell you is that what who you are isn't owned by anyone, nor controlled or even slightly understood, so don't give your mind to others for their profit, while you sit drugged by the belief that this all that there is to your life. No one can hurt you as much as YOU, and no one can save you from yourself but YOU. 

Tell this to yourself - The 'I' that is feeling so miserable because it hates what the world is doing to them, never truly existed to begin with - it's liberating, believe me.

I wish you the best of health, love.

Take care. 

 

You have a beautiful heart, thank you for reaching out to me in my time of need. I desperately needed gentle words. 

Reading your words makes me feel better already. 

I like how you said 

"you're not a rehabilitation center for others." yep makes perfect sense. 

Once again thanks for taking out the time for a beautiful lengthy response.