Sexual Abstinence Journal

[BornToBoil]

What this journal is about:

I want to quit watching porn and masturbating for an indefinite period of time (maybe forever if I like it, lol). So I came up with this idea to start a journal to record everything that I deem interesting and useful throughout my journey like changes in my energy levels, emotional challanges that I have to overcome, various insights, etc., and also to keep myself motivated.

I want to see if I will really experience any positive change from doing this and how big it will be. However, I will try to be as openminded as possible and try my best to not turn this into an ideology as I feel many "nofappers" do.

About me:

I am 20 year old. I don't have a gf. I have never had sex before and don't plan on having it any time soon, so I will be basically doing a complete abstinence for a while (probably at least for the next 6 months).

I believe that I have a porn addiction, I have been watching porn since I was like 10 years old (I use the term "porn" here very generally), starting with some erotic fanfiction and gradually regressing towards more and more hardcore porn. 

I have tried to do this before but was unsuccessful (relatively). However, I believe that this time is going to be different since my determination is much stronger now.

I expect this to be really hard but also really fun and rewarding 

Everyones comments are welcome as long as they are polite and respect opinions of other people.

Lets go!

[BornToBoil]

Today is the end of second day. Was a bit depressed in the afternoon and felt a medium level urge to relapse but used mindfulness meditation technique to feel into the urge and was able to let it go. Decided to listen to positive affirmations and do a workout outside instead.

[BornToBoil]

Insights

For me quitting porn is much more then simply transcending sexual craving. I discovered that I used porn for much more than that. I often used to watch porn to deal with all sorts strong negative emotions or difficult situations in life. It was basically a perfect escape and a painkiller for me. 

Feeling bad? Got a bad day? Bam! And you are lying in your bed completely apathetic to everything with a bit of melancholy. Turn on some nice sad music and you can enjoy pitying yourself to sleep.

If I want to successfully quit porn and masturbation I need to learn how to face and deal with all those emotions and difficult situations myself.

 

Deconstructing Lies And Negative Thoughts

My addicted brain often comes up with all sorts of negative, self-demeaning thoughts and lies to make me go back to porn, I know they are wrong deep inside but still get affected by them when I am in a state of weakness. So I have decided to break them down here while I am able to think clearly.

 

[BornToBoil]

Stupid thought

You have never had sex before and won't have it for a veeery long time, so just give up, settle for what you have and enjoy some porn!

 

Response

Porn addiction is one of the main reasons for why I am where I am. What would it tell about me if I decided to settle for the life of jerking off to porn instead of deciding to out in hard work and growing myself?

It would mean that I am pathetic, unambitious weakling who is ok with living a life worthy if a pathetic unambitious weakling.

It would mean that all those grand dreams and visions for my life that I have are worth nothing. 

It would mean that I will never achieve or do anything trully great in my life. Never be able to experience the greatest things that this existence has to offer. Because a person who is not able to give up freaking porn to reach his goals, definitely won't be able to face even more difficult and demanding challenges ahead.

[Porphyry Fedotov]

Keep it up, man. Four days is a decent progress.

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov Thanks 

[BornToBoil]

I think that quitting porn and masturbation caused me to have insomnia. I have had trouble going to bed on time for the past week or so 

I wonder how common it is...

Or maybr I am making it all up and I can't fall asleep for some other reason, haha

And of course that's when cravings usually come up. But it's ok, I will deal with it and come out stronger than before!

[BornToBoil]

Day 5 was the hardest by far. I guess withdrawal symptoms finally kicked in. Didn't have any motivation to do anything. Literally, I didn't even want to do stuff that I would usually use to procrastinate like watching youtube or tv shows, lol. 

Still pushed myself to workout and meditate as planned though.

Also, I had a dream about having sex last night, but not a wet dream (thankfully).

The other thing that worries me a bit is that I stopped caring about what I was considering to be my life purpose. Now I am not sure anymore. I think that if I found my real life purpose, those withdrawal symptoms and other bullshit woupdn't matter and that what happened was that I was able to look at the situation with the cool head and realized that it's not what I want to dedicate my life to.

[BornToBoil]

Probably what's even more challenging than porn cravings is the feeling of loneliness and desire for intimacy that sometimes comes up. Usually I would just numb it with porn and jerking off but now I have to deal with it myself. 

[BornToBoil]

 

[BornToBoil]

 

[BornToBoil]

Some relationships motivation to keep going:

 

[BornToBoil]

Crap, I relapsed...

But I am not going to give up and go on a week long binge now. I am going to get up and start again immidiately. 

I will definitely do it this time. Hello day zero!

 

[BornToBoil]

Well, I actually relapsed once more after the last massage and then went to sleep. I also had to overcome strong resistance to post it because it just felt too embarassing...

But whatever, I want to be honest and firt of all honest with myself. If I decided to hide that facr, what would it mean about me and about my chances of success on this journey?

I am going to start from zero today and do my absolute best to succeed this time.

[ajai]

All the best.

[BornToBoil]

@ajai thanks

[Panagos22]

How's it going man? Tell me you're keeping strong. If you're aren't take it up again!